Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Let me introduce you to Mr. Drazil…..

Also known as Rambo – for his ability to dress up just like Rambo. He has painted his face, poured wolf pee on his boots, bathed in dirt shampoo, strapped knives on both his legs and holstered guns across his back at times – all in the name of hunting.

Also known as Tarzan – for his ability to care for his woman (me = Jane) and for dragging meat home for the little family to feast upon.

And now…….he will also be affectionately called “Man born in a barn” (MBIAB).

Do you really want to know why? Are you sure? I can barely type the words.

Please remember I warned you.

I was sitting at home – in Care Bear Land – living the good life cuz I was reading blogs and MBIAB walks casually by me and stops and says……

I took a poop in the woods today.

WHAAAAAATTTT did you just say? I stopped typing. I stopped reading. For a moment I’m sure I blacked out. You should have seen Drazil's head spin around like he was possessed.

Poop in itself makes me sick. But you pooped in the woods? And he wasn’t hunting alone people!!!!

So the barrage of questions start. I could have rivaled an FBI investigation.

Where was your friend while you were pooping? *He wasn’t near me.
Thank God – he’d never recover. *Yes he would – he’d think it was cool.
You’re right – I forgot he has a penis.
What did you wipe with? *Grass
Grass? What kind of grass? *Grass – just grass
How does that work? * People do it all the time
No people don’t – cavemen do. We have toilets. *It was fun
FUN? That’s fun? *Yah – it’s manly
Is that even legal? *Um yes
You cannot get clean using grass. Do not come near me.
Don’t ever tell anyone you did this. *I’m putting it in my Facebook status.
NOOOOOO. *Yup – I was one with nature today.
I’ll show you one with nature – when I bury you in the ground.


There you have it….I am married to and have to sleep with the MBIAB.  *hangs head in shame*

God help me.

I swear to God if you all reply here with stories about peeing and pooing in the woods I’ll just die. Please don’t. I cannot bear to think of you all that way. One with nature and all.

I would not have done well in the caveman days I tell you. I could have worn Adam and Eve’s leaf bikinis and been fine but ask me to poo in the woods and use grass to wipe …..um, I think not. If you’re tempted to unfollow me after this little story I don’t blame you. If I could un-follow myself – I’m pretty sure I would.

Oh look – there goes Explosive Man by my office. My life is a sewer.


Miss Vickie "The Queen Bee" said...

OMG...that is hysterical!!!!! My own husband had to do that in the army. I'm with you it's disgusting. God help me cause I can't poop anywhere but home.

I can do this.....finally said...

ROFL what a man! Don't worry, no pooping in the woods story here. I camp at the Holiday Inn! I have to be desperate just to pee in a public restroom, and I've been known to leave whatever I'm shopping for just to go home so I could poop in my own bathroom. Men are such animals......

Carmen said...

lol thank god he's hot ;-)
oh, can i say that? lol sorry if i can't!

Tina said...

My family went to the beach to do some clam digging. They didn't plan ahead and could find no where with a toilet so we ended up on a piece of land that had recently been logged. All peeing and pooping had to be done over or near the leftover roots that the loggers didn't take...........I didn't poop for three days until I could get to a real bathroom :) hahahahahah My sister and cousin did the stump deed and we all of course had to pee...as you just cannot hold that one for three days :) hahahahaha


Katie J said...

I gave you an Award my little lamb chop :-D

Kim said...

LOL!!! That is hilarious!! I can't do that kind of thing either....I mean how can pooping in the woods be "fun"?!

Katie J said...

It is the wiping with Grass that gets me. How can that be effective?

River said...

NO! I had to pee "outside" once and no I couldn't. You know the little portable toilets you have to use when you go to a festival or sth. I even hate those. Twice I had tears in my eyes cos I had to use them. EWwww!!!!!

I'm 100% with you on the cavemen thing. I wouldn't survive a week at those ages.

But did you or did you not comment on my blog yesterday telling me you slept in the bathroom once (the same bathroom Explosie Man explodes in!)? I'm saying desperate times call for desperate measures!

P.S. I thought there were 2 Explosive Men. Well for your sake I hope it's only one.

Jenny said...

This is why I cannot go camping without an RV or hotel. YUCK!

DB said...

I can relate - I married one of these hunting knukleheads too. I betcha don't have a bottle of doe pee fermenting in the back of your fridge???

Heather said...

OMG that is funny! Men just don't get it... I was so upset with mine this morning! Last night at 10pm my son comes in, he has lost a tooth. First thing that pops in my head is that I only have a twenty. He got ten last time because that was all I had and his father forgot that he told me he would go get change. So I had to stick the ten under the pillow as I was waking him up for school. I tell husband, I only have a twenty. He says don't worry about it I will take care of it. Now in my world that mean he will take care of it. I went to bed. This morning I ask him if he took care of it. He says no you didn't tell me I had to!? WTF? Do all of these men folk need to live in the woods or something?

Bonnie said...

My Nascar watching, motorcycle riding husband is not looking too bad right now.

Jo said...

Okay - here's one for you...my hubby back in the days when he was young and stupid was in Florida on vacation with some buddies. They were far away from their hotel and I guess any place he felt like he could take a crap...so into the ocean he went up to his shoulders, offed his swim trunks and let it all out. A girl came up to him right after he did the deed and asked where he was from...mind you with his swimsuit still in his hand as he was waving his arms back and forth across the water to get the turds to float away from him. He said OHIO. Dumbass.

Dirttrackdiva said...

my hubby would totally do that! he's an animal lover so i don't have the hunting crap to deal with. but he would totally poop in the woods if he could. not me man. my idea of roughing it is one bathroom and black and white tv. unless there's a race involved. then i'm game for what ever it takes. even using a port a potty.
and bonnie, what's wrong with nascar?!? :)

my verification word is pig. hahaha. nice.

Em said...

Oh you SO would not have survived camping with my fam. LOL! The toilet was a hole in the ground behind a tree. (Though we did have a roll of toilet paper in a ziplock bag next to it.)

None of us kids could ever stand camping in camp grounds . . . ICK!