Friday, May 14, 2010

Mama Pimp got her ass kicked by Kotex this week.......

For those of you who swore to me the Kotex haunting would be over because everything comes in threes and I had three days of horror….well you’re a bunch of liars. The Kotex Gods are still here – taunting and haunting and scaring the Bejesus out of me. The only reason I know this will end is because it’s Friday so I won’t be at work for this crap to keep happening. It can happen in the privacy of my own home. Great.

So here it is – the latest installment of the Kotex Chronicles. I’m almost afraid to type it. I’m beginning to think something is wrong with me. It’s like this crap happens so I have something to blog about.

Let’s get a few things straight.

I did not take my few “pons” to the bathroom yesterday as planned. I was too scared after the tampon pointing incident. I left them in the bag – scared to touch them. That and I want to find a pretty box to bejewel so I can have my own box in the bathroom to put them in…..yes…with stickers.

I am wearing short sleeves. This is an important fact in this story.

I am wearing pants that should be outlawed. The DCS (dropped crotch syndrome) factor is downright unprofessional. I have on capris with DCS, no pockets and a drawstring. You cannot see my butt in these because they are so loose and big. I should not wear them – ever. But I do. It’s Friday – I want to be comfy. I want to pretend I am still losing weight and that these pants are too big because of that. The drawstring is the only thing holding them up. If I pull on the waistband of these pants and look down – I can see to the floor. It’s rather sick. This is another important fact in my story.

I am wearing my heeled boots. The ones that are too loose in the calves and sort of sag a bit. Remember when I complained about skinny calves before – because my boots weren’t staying up tight on them anymore? I shall never complain again after today. Another important fact.

Another thing I want to point out is I work with almost all men. Highly educated men. Highly paid men. Not a lick of common sense but geniuses in their field. And most of them are scared of women and/or single. Cuz they are odd. But woman stuff is way out of their league and subjects like Kotex are taboo. If I even dared to walk around with a tampon I’m pretty sure one of them would have me arrested. They are the kind of men who don’t notice when you point with tampons because they forget I am a woman. They are oblivious.

So let’s face it – today I look downright slovenly – in heels no less. I get to work. I go potty in the Explosive Man bathroom. Ah great – the Red Hag has arrived. Yippee – the pons I brought to work will serve a purpose! Yay me for being so proactive. Now to go get one.

I go back to my office. I get a pon out of my bag. Here is where it gets tricky. THIS my friends is why the f*ck women put the pons IN the bathroom IN a box. Because if you don’t you have got to find a way to get the pon with you to the bathroom….secretly. I never have to deal with this. My AF always starts at home – never at work – until today.

Okay soooo – being the creative girl I am I try to put it behind my ear hoping maybe it’d look like a pencil and no one would notice. Nope – not gonna work. Too obvious. I thought of sticking it inside my Chicken with Broccoli but um yah – I ate that Tuesday. Tucked in my sleeve – nope – short sleeves remember? In my pocket? YES. Nope – no pockets – saggy miss saggypants here remember – these things I have on are barely pants – they do NOT have pockets!

Fine – I am left with no option but to put the pon in my waistband in the drawstring that is holding up my pants. I feel like a cowboy shoving a gun in my pants. I am armed. Get out of my way.

I am proud of me. This is ingenious. No one knows I’m carrying a pon and I’m on my way to happy Kotex land. And come on – I only have a few steps to the bathroom. I’ll make it. Yah – well except – Explosive Man hates my guts and while I was trying to figure out where to hide my contraband he snuck in the bathroom for the 3rd time already this morning. I want to chop his head off with a dull knife.

Fine – whatever – I’ll go to the other bathroom. It’s not that far. I’ll be fine.

And I would have been – had the stupid guy who can’t stop talking about how the sun came out today not stopped me to “chat”. I wanted to scream – listen dude – right now I’m losing red blood cells by the millions and if I stand here much longer you’re going to see it for yourself…but I don’t. I stand there. I appear nervous so he’ll get the hint. And then I moved – from one foot to the other – and MY GOD IN HEAVEN. The pon slipped. I felt it. I even suddenly put my hand to my waistband in hopes to stop it – the man even asked if I was alright. Oh yes – muscle spasm….I’m fine.

Too late. My friend Kotex is gone. Oh yah folks. All the way down my freaking leg. And into my boots – my heavenly too loose around the legs boots.

Can you imagine if I had had flip flops on? Just thinking about it makes me turn red. What would I do – bend over and pick it up? Step on it in the hopes he didn’t see it. Look at it like it’s the plague and say “where did that come from” and pretend I’ve never seen it before?

I am having a heart attack. My blood pressure spiked. I turned red. And the whole time this guy has to be thinking “Jesus woman – we’re just talking about the weather – why are you so upset?” He probably thinks I have explosive diarrhea by the way I danced around on my feet and held my stomach for a minute.

Finally he shuts up and I walk on – praying to God no one can hear the swish of the paper IN MY BOOT as I walk. And it occurred to me…THIS is where I should have put the damn pon to begin with. Duh.

Tomorrow I cut my vagizzle off. I can handle the pain. It can’t be as bad as the humiliation I’ve suffered all week here. If I can’t succeed in losing my vagizzle, I have decided next month on this one day I am staying home. It’s not worth it. I’ll just call in and say “Kotex made me do it.”

Move over Mama Pimp – there’s a new guy in town….his name is Kotex and his wrath stretches far and wide……….ugh.


Crystal said...

i think that's it tho... every other time you've h a run-in with this crap, it's come out as an embarrassment... think about it, tho, this time, the kotex promptly hid itself in your boot! hurray, you've been cured!! too funny, tho... i feel so bad for laughing at your stories, i'd be pissed if you laughed at me for it ;) j/k

Carmen said...

i'm totally cereal, i'm going to start writing scripts about your life and send them to hollywood.... :-)

-Grace- said...

It's almost too unbelievable. Almost. Then I remember you're Draz and somehow this sort of thing is commonplace in your life! LOL

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

My hands are gargantuan enough that I just fit it onto my palm and hook it neatly under the knuckle of my middle finger. Nice and hidden.

Also. Bedazzling is not recommended. It attracts Mr. Kotex. He enjoys a good sparkle. WAtch out if you don't want to be haunted.

LDswims said...

So...what I get from this need to throw out those danged saggy pants, miss saggy pant!

Too funny!

You won!!!

Sandy Lee said...

You should switch to Always (P & G). They are the ones that say "Have a Heppy Period". You can even send cards if you go to their website: . Maybe that will cheer you up.

Sandy Lee said...

Sorry that should be Have a Happy Period!

Miss Vickie "The Queen Bee" said...

Now that's funny! Thankfully, I had a hysterectomy (sp) at the age of 33. Yep, the best thing I ever did! I guess that would be an option for you!

Jess said...

At work, I used to store my pons in a box of granola bars to carry to the bathroom. I know I wasn't fooling anyone. Mow that I'm not as fat, it would be less convincing, I'm sure.

But I've totally done the arm to the waist walk, so the pon doesn't fall out of my underwear waistband.

And yeah, as you figured out eventually, the sock, or boot in your case, it the best place to sotre for transport.

I'm still trying to paint the picture of the no-butt drawstring capri's with boots. Really, you had to wear boots? Telling me they're Uggs, or the like, are the only way this can be forgiven.

Jess said...

(Sorry, I got Friday fingers and grammar today.)

The Curvaceous Conundrum said...

Draz, are you on BC? I just got put on the ring and I have a period 4 times a year. Thats it. ITS AMAZING! Something for you to chew over :)

DB said...

C'mon now - you crack me up too much - I'm gonna get in trouble at work!!!

Maria said...

My hubby just accused me of "LOL-ing" at this post... cuz I was. OMG, you are hilarious!

Girl Bandit said...

Too you make this stuff up???? You probably couldn't...LOL

Barbara said...

I just love you to death.. you crack me up..
ALso.. thank you so much for BYOC.. I just love reading everyone's responses.. hugs galore to the Draz!!