Monday, May 17, 2010

The nipple extraction.....

While I completely understand there is a purpose for women having nipples….they serve no purpose for me. I do not breast feed any longer. Ever since my boobs were bigger than my thighs – which was like when I was 12 – they were NEVER sex objects to me - so nope – don’t need nipples for that either. Therefore I am on a mission to find a doc who will take mine off after this weekend’s nipple endeavors. I mean I like my boobs – after the reduction – I loved my boobs. I’d dry hump my own boobs if I could manage it.

After years of having boobs so big men never knew I had a face or eyes – the reality of having teeny size C boobs was almost like Playboy heaven to me. And due to the surgery I have two boobs exactly the same size and shape which we all know is rare. I’m all about me and my boobettes hanging out of shirts and going bra-less at home. I like my boobs. I want to keep my boobs. I want to lose my nipples.

This is why. For any of you who don’t know – when you have a reduction your nipple is completely removed. Taken out and set aside. Mine was anyways. What a funny picture – imagine – my nipple sitting on a table all by itself. Anywhoozle – of course – they put it back on your new manageable size boobs. Now before my nips pointed to my coochie – they stared at it all day. Some days I couldn’t find my nipples because they hung so low or so under all the rolls of my boobs. So on surgery day my doc put my nips dead square center on my boobs. I think he thought over time they’d drop a little.

I’m here to tell you folks – they have not. They are dead square center and they are forever 24/7 cold – like headlights cold – if you get my drift. They stand at attention every day all day. They had no feeling before – and now are super sensitive to even just freaking air. This creates bra problems of massive magnitudes.

First – I cannot buy thin bras – or everyone on this earth gets to see exactly where Doc put my nips. Now yes – I just proclaimed it to all of you here but most days it’s not something I want everyone to know. People see that and they think I’m aroused – um nope. It is odd – they are always “out” but actually I have very little feeling in them if any. They are still numb – as are all the parts he cut – over 10 years later. (Same with my tummy tuck – most of my stomach is still numb – 2 years out). Anyway – so padded bras are a must or I literally wear band-aids over my nips. Sick – but true.

Second – my nips come out of bras. Do you people with normal boobs have this problem? I’m not kidding. I’m seriously asking. I’m all good – bikini top or bra when I put it on and an hour later I look down – and holy shit – the nip is hanging out the side like it came out to have a conversation with me. The only bra that keeps them in is a sports bra and yah well – while I’d love to wear one every day I’m not fond of the uni-boob they bring with them. Just because I had surgery I cannot be the only woman with nips in the center of my boobs can I?

So no lie – how bad can it be to want them off? In clothes I’d still look good – no one would be the wiser. What’s one more scar right?

Those of you wondering whether or not I’ve told my husband this latest idea of mine – the nipple extraction….um no. I still hear about how I ruined his life forever when I cut 6 pounds off the suckers 10 years ago. This idea is going to put him in a straight jacket.

I swear to God if I catch any of you staring at my boobs in Chicago waiting for my nipple to pop out I will die. I might as well flash everyone as soon as we meet cuz chances are you’re gonna see one. You’re gonna know Draz in ways you never imagined. I’ll do a tummy tuck scar show, a whootananny shaving demo and a nipple flash and be the life of the party….yah…uh huh.

Maybe my problem is I’m buying cheap bras. Maybe I should bite the bullet and go see Victoria and see if her Secret is all it’s cracked up to be.

Until then I may resort to duct tape….over the nipples. I’m sick of them coming out to say hi to everyone….but I guess it still beats size E’s right?

P.S. - It just occured to me I have become one of those bloggers that should click that button that alerts people that I will be using profanity and adult content and they should enter at their own risk.  Eek!  How did that happen?


28 comments:

Jen said...

I had almost 5 pounds removed in 07 and my nipples are not at attention all of the time. I'm sorry you have to experience that all of the time.

Reminds me of those bond chics from the 70's. LOL!

Sorry, I know this isn't funny.

-Grace- said...

I, sadly, cannot help with your renegade nipples.
However, whilst out shopping for bras yesterday, I noticed that Hanes (I think) makes bras complete with a petal inside to conceal glass-cutting nips. Don't know if they would help conceal your trouble-makers, but it's worth a shot. Found them at Target!

Dirttrackdiva said...

holy shit! this sounds so much like my story. i had a reduction a little over 2 years ago. i had 7 pounds taken off each side. i also have no feeling or sensation in my nipples. unfortunately, mine were a sexual object for me. major bummer when that happened. i knew it was a side effect of the surgery though. i also had the nipple taken off, all my plumbing taken out and then redone. i'm pretty happy with my perky, nipples face out, C's as well. and mine were also hanging down to my girly bits. but hay, that's why we don't have any wrinkles in our face. :D i'm also standing at attention all of the time as well. which i never notice cuz i can't feel it. as for the nipple extraction.......i'd say think on it a little bit more. might look sort of alien without them. just sayin.

Nella said...

Oh mine are a very sexual source and I always thought I would get a lift of some sort...but I have heard you could lose sensation. Its definitely another great POST Drazarazma! Keep on rockin it sista!

Crystal said...

geez you could have done me a littel favor and passed some of those six pounds over here! and yes, my nips pop out every once in a while... i've been know to have to readjust myself from time to time in the middle of a crowded room because i just can't take the rubbing anymore... btw, i was freaking born without feeling in those bad boys... if i wasn't slightly thinking about children in my future, i'd get mine amputated too (lol, amputated... i crack myself up)...

Bonnie said...

I had considered getting a breast augmentation down the road to celebrate my weight loss, but now I'm reconsidering.

kagead said...

You know, they make little pads for that exact problem! That way, you can wear any bra you like. I believe you can buy them at VS, IIRC.

MrsFatass said...

Hmm. I apologize in advance for the amount of time I am going to spend today trying to visualize what your nipples look like. And how they pop out of a bra.

Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

Just yesterday I was trying to explain to The Husband why the thin little bra I was purchasing was going to cause problems. He of course sees nothing wrong with nips exposed to the world, lol. I may be joining you in the land of duct tape because that thin little bra was the only one in the whole store that fit right... and for the love of Draz, I tried on 30 different bras!

My Life As I Live It said...

I've never had anything done to my boobs but I do have a problem with my nipples wanting to poke out, so I started using the pads from the inside an old swimsuit, now I can't find them so I've taken to stuffing my bras with tissue to cover them. When shopping for bras I find myself feeling them up to see if they will offer good coverage. Totally feeling your pain.

Jess said...

I bought a $7 bra from Walmart and everytime I bent over, they popped out and didn't want to go back.

I bit the bullet and bought a $30 one at Kohl's and have come to the conclusion that, when it comes to bras, you get what you pay for. (Yes, $30 is biting the bullet when I'll probably shrink to a new size in a few months.)

Gen, i heart the band, is seemingly a bra expert. Hopefully she'll share some wisdom.

Sherry said...

Oh nipples. Well, you could have nipples the size of small dinner plates, like me. It could be worse. And for the record, I have conversations with my nips all the time. Maybe yours just feel like you don't listen to them? I think you should spend more time on their level and make them feel heard.

Karen@WaistingTime said...

This made me think of the Sex and the City episode where the girls had these little inserts that made one look like the nipples were at attention. For me, I am not even an A cup so I have bra problems of a very different kind! BTW - I have a draft of a post that is quite a departure from my usual rambling and I almost deleted it thinking it was way TMI. But maybe someday I will press the publish button.

Katie J said...

I think mine will eternally point at my coochie :(

Carmen said...

maybe your nipples act like a needle on a compass? maybe because they were taken off their equilibrium was thrown of and they are just trying to figure out where the heck they are?

now that you put the image in my head, i cannot gurantee i won't try to dry hump you in chicago, but that is a whole other can of worms!!

Carmen said...

oh and because i don't want the world to see my pop up timers, i ALWAYS wear padded (but not push up because i would look like a porn star) bras from lane bryant

Corletta said...

You know what I like about your blog? You're honest. I like that about you!!! Keep it up :)

♥ Kenz ♥ said...

I have no advice...but I wish you the best. hehe

Cindylew said...

And here Samantha from Sex and the City went out and bought some "nipple extensions" to accomplish exactly the look that you're trying to banish. One person's trash, etc., etc.

M said...

Duck Tape=OUCH! This is something IM not looking forward to.

PS:Im having a giveaway, check it out.http://dailylifewithm.blogspot.com/2010/05/giveaway-classy-and-sassy-charms.html

Girl Bandit said...

Too funny...I am just imaging your nipples sitting on the table all by their lonesome....

Barbara said...

Draz.. your post fascinated me.. and yes I will probably stare at your nipples in CHI.. PS I thought the nipples were supposed to be in the middle of the boobs..

Genie @ Diet of 51 said...

Cute story about your wandering nips. Never know what you're going to come up with, or come out with, that's for sure!

Kelli @ From Bulge To Bikini said...

hahahahhahaha this post is hilarious!!! Sorry for your troubles...but you are a great writer!

Vaia said...

I am a well-endowed lady who has always had a case of the nipply nipples. Hard as rock all the time. I recently got them pierced and now, as if it's even possible, they are harder than they've ever been! TMI?? All to say - I feel your nipple nightmare.

Little Miss Fatty Pants said...

I thought nips in the center of your boobs was a good thing? I know I want mine there (they're not there). =(

Sandy Lee said...

Sorry I didn't get my reply in yesterday. I love my breast reduction. They didn't take off the nipples though. Just cut around and repositioned them. Guess it depends on the size. I had two pounds taken off each one and now at my age, I have perky boobs. And actually gained back sensation. It had been gone for years and eureka! the boob job fixed that little issue. Mine are comfortably ensconced in a C cup and don't pop out.

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