Monday, May 10, 2010

The prodigal son is home....should I let him in?

I’ve been MIA for a few days…so unlike me huh? I’m the blogger who can talk so much you quit reading after the 16th paragraph and the blogger who has been known to post like 16x in a day. (What’s up with 16? Weird.) And really – I only took two days off and I never quit reading your blogs BUT….in my heart I was gone.

I’ve got nothing to say and I’ve got everything to say. The thing is I keep thinking why the heck would anyone even care? I wonder if I can’t be funny – would anyone even read this? When I’m normal and just living – is it even worth writing?

I don’t know. But here I am – because I missed you all. You are not rid of me yet.

Nothing much is new. Except me in general. I am different. I can feel it. Most of you don’t know I’m painfully anti-social, very shy – literal social anxiety. I normally don’t even pick up the phone to talk to people who call me – except Jenny. But this weekend I picked up for other people. And it was good – I didn’t even have a heart attack.

I have joined a book club. I actually left the house and had fun there. I’m going to girl’s night out this week….and I’m sure I’ll have fun there too.

These seem like normal daily activities don’t they? Not to me – to me they are life-changing.

I’m going on vacation this year – first time ever. Out of state. For longer than 2 days. I’m scared shitless but I’m going to do it. I’m going to drive to Jenny’s house – by myself – first and longest trip driving by myself ever – but I’m going to do it.

I am changing. I don’t know why – but I feel it.

I am also not a very nice person – for realz. My brother is the prodigal son I referred to in my title. He’s come “home” so to speak. An entire half of me is deliriously happy about this. The other half is something but I have no word for it. My mom is so hopeful that this time – this is the time he’ll finally be okay.

He called me to say Happy Mother’s Day. I haven’t spoken to him on the phone in over 2 years. I literally picked it up thinking this was the end – there’s no other reason he’d call. That phone call was monumental….I told my mom he called and I could literally “hear” the pride and hope in her voice. All I hear is “he’s doing great, I think he’s going to make it”….and instead of being happy I remain doubtful and I remain jealous. I have *always* been okay. I have never faltered. I have never made them wonder if I would live another day. I have been successful. He has done unspeakable things – horrific things – things you can never forget….and yet – we will – for the sake of him now being okay. For sobriety. So we can pretend we’re a happy healthy family. For now. As if hope will heal all his demons and ours. I’m having trouble forgiving, letting go, forgetting and not being angry. And yup – I’m fully aware that makes me a horrible person. I get that.

As a mother I see things differently. I know as a mother – if one of my girls ever did the things he did – just like the father in the prodigal son, just like my mom with my brother – I’d welcome her home. That’s how it’s supposed to be. What I don’t know about – is how it makes the other siblings feel. It is difficult to process…and that’s all I’m sure of.

Lastly – Mother’s Day. I live right next to a cemetery. Yesterday was awful. I was outside in the yard most of the day and all day it was like a parade. People – young and old – visiting their mothers – in a cemetery. Gone. I’d hear a noise and be startled and look up and it was a woman crying. I’d see a shadow and look up and see a high school girl sitting on her mother’s grave talking to her. Her Dad killed her mother just a year ago….in a fit of rage. I saw numerous families who I know lost their mothers to cancer and I pretended not to see them. I saw a family whose mother died just days ago – and I felt like I was intruding in their sorrow. You can’t watch something like that all day and not be reflective and grateful and intensely sad for all those people. Life just isn’t fair sometimes.

I plan to do a blog for Band-Babe on faking it. And a follow up to sex every day cuz my God – your comments were a riot and bear more discussion. Soon. This heavy stuff is for the birds. I gotta get back to funny.


29 comments:

Band-Babe said...

You are not a mean person. Please sweet girl, be gentle with yourself. These are hard things that affect you to your core. No one, NO ONE can fault you for that. Including yourself.

Sex is good, but not the end all. Don't stress the "faking it" post. That is a bombshell of a request. I think of the subject of sex in general as all fabulous and fun, but I know for many women it may be a difficult and intensely vulnerable subject.

And Draz, I will bet a large sum of money that everyone would keep reading even if your posts weren't on the cutting edge of witty and intelligent (as they are)... every. single. day. Real life is just that, for all of us. And I for one love you for you, and know for certain our empathetic and loving blog friends feel the exact same way.

"Keep on keeping on", right?

amandakiska said...

We love you even when you aren't funny! You don't HAVE to be "on" all the time.

My pastor did a sermon about the story of the Prodigal Son recently and how it is really a story about the older brother who is angry and resentful of the flaky brother. I think most of us relate more to that second brother anyway. We do our duty in life, do what is expected of us, and are dissapointed when others don't do their part. It is natural to feel this way.

Sarah said...

Hmmm.... "fully aware that makes me a horrible person...". Well, Ms. Drazil, I'm going to disagree, okay? It makes you human. Nothing else. CERTAINLY not horrible. Just normal, human, and probably well-within-your-rights... And I know you didn't ask for my two cents, but, you are too GOOD a person to be thinking that you aren't decent. I imagine you're a wonderful wife, mother and friend - fears aside. So, be easy on yourself, and although I don't have siblings, I will pray that you protect your heart. And yourself. Don't be so hard on yourself, okay? Because you're a great blogging buddy and friend to SO MANY of us... and we love you.

*~D~* said...

I'm right there with you, Draz. I spent my weekend praying my brother would get only house arrest instead of a year in jail for being busted for a probation violation. The violation just happened to be the same thing that put him on probation, driving without a license. He's 30, living in mom and dad's basement to get his life straight. Yet when I voiced hope that the house would rent so we'd have income knowing the mortgage is paid, my mom said I needed to get a job for income. Excuse me?! My bills are all paid, I have no credit card debt and work in a career where I can get a job on the drop of a dime if I ever needed to. My kids are well taken care of and want for nothing.
So I get the resentment, I get the anger, but I also get the hope that maybe this time will be "the" time he gets it right. *sigh*
Hang in there!

Jess said...

(Was that too mean?)

Jess said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jess said...

My office overlooks a cemetary. I wasn't here yesterday to bear witness, I can see the floral remnants, and, thanks to you, can practically feel the tears. It's beautiful to think of all the love, but horrible all at once.

Cuz, you know, we do that...feel two complete opposite things at the same time. There's no point in trying to figure that out. It just is.

I deleted the mean part. (I know it's going to kill you, wondering what I had put. Muaaahahaha.)

Ice Queen said...

Funny is appreciated. But not required. :D

You are not a terrible person. You are human and you have things that you need to work thorugh for yourself. It is hard to be a sibling of someone who is in profound trouble. It brings a lot of emotion and inner conflict. Mine took me years to work through and come to peace with.

Give yourself time and be patient and kind to yourself while you go through that process. You will arrive in the place that is right for you.

Sandy Lee said...

My BFF has twin daughters-one a recovering cocaine addict and alcoholic, the other with a job and living in a great appartment. So who do you think my BFF seems to care more about. Yup-the sorry assed addict. But she is holding down a job and doing better in life. She has some mental problems, but I still worry more about the twin who doesn't have those problems. I know she resents the differences. Of course I treat my two kids EXACTLY the same (maybe not but I hope I do)!. I don't know why parents do that-not recognize the good in their kids. But you'll do better, I know. The cemetery would drive me wonky. I don't think I could handle it. Too many ghosts I guess.

BTW, I enjoyed all the jokes over the weekend. Today is pretty bad at work. The F word has escaped my lips to my manager and assorted co-workers and I don't give an F. My job is safe-I just wish they would get on with deciding what my job is as it keeps changing. Maybe they'll put me in charge of accounting. BTW, the men's washroom is right beside my office cubicle. All I hear is the paper towel dispenser. At least I know they wash their hands.

Gilly said...

What you just described is why I hate mother's day...and father's day...and valentine's day...all the stupid made-up holidays. When they're happening, all I can think of is the people who don't have mothers or fathers...or the people who desperately want to BE mothers or fathers, but for whatever reason, can't be...and how heartbroken they must be on those days.

Quite the little downer today, aren't i?

Jenny said...

Not that this is a shock, but you really put too much pressure on yourself. We like you for you, not because you're funny. Of course you are funny, but this blog is for you, its not so you can please us.

On your brother. You're not a bad person. You feel how you feel. At least you can see both sides (mom and sibling) of the situation and have empathy for your mom. We always hope that this time will be different.

And I totally get you on the social anxiety thing. I never would have thought that of you though.

Nella said...

Great post! One day at a time!

Carmen said...

:-)
that is all
oh and
xoxo

Lindsay said...

Take it one day at a time and don't be so hard on yourself!!!

Tricia said...

My sister is clearly my dad's favorite and he makes no qualms about it. Nevermind the repeated relapses to her crack/cocaine addiction. Nevermind that I've never been in trouble a day in my life. The line's been drawn, and I'm on the "boring" side. I liken it to a girl who's in love with bad boys because she digs the excitement of all the near-death experiences? I don't get it, but whatever.

You're not wrong to feel like "what the fuck?" I do all day every day. You're not a bad person for having real emotions.

Plus, I think you're awesome and I can't wait to hear about your fakes.

Maria said...

You're only human, Draz! Your feeling are your own and it's ok to have them!

Miss Vickie "The Queen Bee" said...

I am a mother of 5 and one of my sons is a heroin addict. They were all raised the same but you just never know. He is serving 3 years in prison and is sober for now. I still always have hope that he will be okay but I am realistic. It's a tough thing to beat. My relationship with my son is much different than with his siblings. I do my best not to play favorites. I praise all of my kids for the great people they are. I am also there for them when they need a shoulder to cry on. My mom taught me that. She has since passed away but I remember she was that way with us. All you can do is pray for your brother. Believe me, your parents know which of their kids are doing well.

Cindylew said...

We love you every day of your life...not just the one's in which you're funny, or wise, or grumpy, or happy...we love you on EVERY ONE OF THEM because you're you. Please stop being so hard on yourself. Most of us are probably more anti-social (as you say you are) than gregarious...we just don't talk about it here because we don't have to. Dealing with the family issues you have right now must be so taxing and I wish you the courage to summon all of the strength that we all know you have inside of you so that you can come out on the other side of this...I have no doubt that you will.

Genie @ Diet of 51 said...

I like your vulnerable side just as much as your bawdy, hilarious side. Very good to hear that you're taking baby steps out into the world. Who knows what lurks in the heart of that shy woman? Drazil knows, and now we do, too. Be afraid, people--be very afraid--of being amazed.

Stephanie said...

I have issues very similar with my brother. He has been a fuck up of sorts most of his life, bue to depression and issues from our childhood, but my mother always excused his behavior and was his enabler. He is in prison now and will get out next year. Although he has been away for 8 years, he has learned very little. he is repentant for his crimes, but has not learned an iota of responsibility and once again my mother is already preparing for him to return like the prodigal son. She's setting up his apartment, buying him a car and will be financially supporting him for lord only knows how long. I feel like a crappy sister, but it's emotionally hard on me to accept him and know that he gets everything handed to him, while I worked hard to make my life a good one. It sucks...

I'm so proud of you in that you are stepping out of your comfort zone. That is such a wonderful life changing step and I am so hornored that I'll get to meet you in September!!

Jess said...

Emailed u.

Angela Pea said...

Huh. Nowhere in that Bible story does it say that the older son did any sort of rejoicing. He obeyed his father and helped prepare the meal, but there is no mention of whether or not he hung around to eat, or if he even said one word to the rotten, stinking sibling who showed up and set his world upside down.

The story does say that the Father is proud of the older son, and that he reassures him that his life will be okay.

It's okay to be the older, wiser sibling, to go your own way, and to celebrate your own life. It's okay to turn your back on a sibling - you're not his keeper, you're not responsible for anyone but yourself and your children.

Been there, done that....my youngest sister is one seriously messed up chick, and I want no part of her in my life or my children's lives. Forgive her? Sure. But I still don't have to talk to her, nor do I owe her anything, nor do I feel any sort of guilt over it. I'm okay with that, and I have to believe that God is, too.

Tina said...

awesome for you that you are going out and socializing and I feel soooooo much of myself in this entire post. I think you have every right to protect yourself from your brother and the hurt that is likely to come over time. It is not horrible it is smart, cunning and safe.

I have typed more three times here--but--because i am not anonymous I will take care :). We can talk in Chicago if you like :) or we can leave it at. Just because siblings were raised by the same parents at the same time does not mean that they grow up to be anything like each other or more importantly need to like each other.

I am not the huggy type---but here is one for you.

Skye said...

Wow. What a deep post. Sadly, I can relate to it all too well.

Anti-social? My hubby swears my picture is next to this word in the dictionary. ( :


My brother is a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. He first went away when he was just 14 years old so I'm sure we can relate on so many levels. Including the part about not being very nice.

As far as the cemetery.... I lived next door to one growing up. It has it's ups and downs... literally. Positive: quiet neighbors for the most part. Negative: Holidays

Congratulations on your changes. I know it's not always easy, but sometimes change is good.

And for the record, I missed you, too. ( :

Amy said...

Funny, sad, happy, or boring, we love every post of yours!

As for your brother, I am sorry. I wish I knew why it happens in families the way it does, but it's so hard to understand all the dynamics.

You are a wonderful person, and whether or not you open your arms to your brother does not define your wonderfulness. You have the right to feel the way you do, and it's ok to feel that way.

Hugs, my friend. I hope today is a little brighter.

Jennifer said...

I love you and I'm so proud of you for all of the changes I'm seeing in you. But you know what? I loved you before and I'll love you after. No Matter What.

I'm Just Another Fat Girl said...

Sometimes, funny isn't funny, it's a defense mechanism.

It's ok to be vulnerable.

You're a gem.

-jafg

Merri said...

What book are you reading in your club? I am super antisocial myself. I don’t know the whole story with your brother but you mention the sobriety thing. After dealing with a few addicts I can definitely see how youre having trouble forgiving and forgetting. Im in the same boat with you, but fortunately (well I guess unfortunately) I don’t even have to try. I hope your brother has gotten the help he needs and will be able to change his life around, for his sake and your family's.

Girl Bandit said...

Hey Draz....I love hearing about the real you...your struggles and hopes. You don't have to be funny...in fact sometimes I feel like I can't keep up with all you funny gals. I love you...whatever you want to be!!!!