Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Sluts R Us!

Alright – so – there are two things that have become pretty clear since my last blog.


1. I can’t write about anything of merit. Only boobs, bras, nipplettes, plastic surgeries, whootananny shaving, poopoo (in the woods or on toilets) and peepee and everything in between. There’s something wrong with me. It is not my fault. It turns out it is yours. I write these posts so I can read all your comments which are always more funny than my original post. So my secret is out….I write to read what you all will say. Pretty sneaky huh?



2. Everyone has nipple issues.

OH thank God in heaven I am not the only one who has nipples popping out everywhere. Doesn’t it drive you guys nuts???? I know they make flower petal thingys for that but the thing is – I don’t want to have to wear them! I want to slap on a bra and walk out.

My father-in-law came over the other day and I had a heavy sweatshirt on and no bra – I stood with my arms crossed over my ta-tas the whole time so he couldn’t hear my nipples trying to have a conversation with him! No other woman would have to do that. A heavy sweatshirt would be enough to cover the damn things and they’d stay hidden.

I stand around looking pissed off (arms crossed) when really I’m just hiding the nips. Ugh.

And a bunch of you said you lost feeling in yours after your reduction too…isn’t that ironic – no feeling yet they are always ON! How does that work? It’s just kinda sad – like losing 70 pounds and being left with hanging skin. It’d be like having a tummy tuck and still not being able to wear a bikini (that was a goal of mine). I feel like I went through having a reduction and I love my boobies BUT I can’t wear pretty sexy bras and I’m annoyed.

AND – what the hell – about the celebrities and people buying pointy cones to make their nips point out? NO ONE looks at you if you’re nips are on – NO ONE. It’s like you don’t have a face – only boobs. Even women can’t help but look at them. Sure – in a wet t-shirt contest or the bedroom it’s sexy as hell and that look will get me laid every time but it’s not really the vibe I’m going for in a board meeting.

The solution is that my best friend, Jennifer will be taking me to Victoria Secret. I’ve never had a bra fitting and most of you commented that you get what you pay for in a bra. I can’t go in there alone – with my social anxiety and general shyness – so I’m making her hold my hand and lie and say I look hot about 50 times while the salesclerk feels me up. I told her if she laughs I’m going to hit her with my purse – and my purse is more like a suitcase. A good 20 lbs at least.

Oh AND get this – I should ban Jennifers from my life. I have my best friend from Jen’s Lap Band Journey and then Jennifer from A Southern Belle’s Journey nagging telling me I should post bikini pics cuz it’s all the rage. Gilly whips out the big bazookas in a bikini and then Gen does and then Jennifer and it just keeps going. You’re all a bunch of followers….er…. motivators I mean. Jenny says I should do it – to use as motivation to lose my last 10 lbs. I think she just wants to see my boobs. Anyway – I might do it. I bought two new suits and could use an opinion on which one to keep.

I’m supposed to swim in Jenny’s pool in less than 2 weeks – in front of people other than Jenny . Just typing that sentence made me break out in hives. Oh oh and that’s the weekend we might do a vlog together for you! By September I won’t be anonymous any longer so why the hell not right? We shall see my bloggie buddies! Stay tuned!

I also want you to know I left work early yesterday to go home – knowing my kids wouldn’t be home – to get some “dessert”. Husband was on the phone with his mom – which is the perfect time to molest him because he can’t do a damn thing about it and that makes me feel powerful. Five minutes later his dad arrives.

Plan over.

Can you believe that? I – me – Draz – took off work early for the first time in my life to go home and “bake cake” and it didn’t pay off. Apparently I lost my touch. Well okay – fine – not really but I’m pretending to be sad about it. I’ve already gotten about 5 emails asking about when we will be able to finish “the recipe” tonight…and I’m saying no – my ego is damaged after yesterday.

All I can really think is man – BandBabe would be so proud of me. Leaving work early, reigning in my woman power – to make cupcakes – before 5pm – on a week day. I think I might actually BE BandBabe….Sluts R Us unite!!!!! (I mean that in a good way BB)


18 comments:

Crystal said...

perhaps when they put your nips back on they stuck a mike and ike into it... just sayin...

LDswims said...

ohh too funny. Here I am, today, talking about how much I hate high-priced constrictive pieces of metal and lace and you are working your way towards actually buying that crap! I have a fake boob which equates to always on, too - and I could care less. Somehow I manage to make people stare other places. :) Or just not talk to me...that works, too. :)

I think since yesterday's recipe caved in...that you should try again today. I mean, come on...you do everything right all the time - so you've got to perfect this, too! Go fart some danged gum drops and enjoy the cake! :) Life's too short...

Bonnie said...

I cross my arms all the time when I talk to my mother-in-law, but it's not because I have hard nipples. She's a biatch. Luckily she lives 3 1/2 hours away.

Stephanie said...

I think they might have accidentially tossed out your nipples during surgery and they had to use two pencil erasers in a pinch. Consider yourself lucky, if you're ever doing a hard math problem or penciling in your taxes and need to erase, just whip out one of the girls and correct your mistakes! Or, if your car ever plunges into a lake or river, they'd be hard enough to break your window glass. Remember the positives! :)

Alexis said...

Oh geez...I take a little time off from blogs and this is what I come back to?! I.LOVE.IT! This seriously brightened my day -- you crack me up.

While you were trying to "bake cake" yesterday -- I literally was baking cupcakes. Seriously. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Cupcakes. Yep. They were good. The real "cake baking" came later in the evening ;)

Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

How did I survive two whole weeks without my daily dose of the giggles you supply?!? lol

Hope your trip to Victoria Secret is successful. The last time I tried going there I had the poor girl so frustrated I thought she as going to cry. No, I wasn't trying to be difficult... but she was new and totally unsuccessful in finding a bra style/size that actually worked for me. I felt bad for the poor skinny thing with here A cups (and I'm being generous, lol). :)

Camille said...

Forget Bikini pic...We want new bra pics!! (Okay that sounded kind of creepy). Can't wait to see you on a vlog!

Tricia said...

As someone who is part of the IBTC, can I gently say I'm jealous of you gals with the big boobs. It may seem like a curse, but at least guys prefer it! :P

Band-Babe said...

What? Huh? Did you say something? I couldn't get past the nipples...

Nella said...

YOu are a TOTAL SLUT! Love it mamma and keep on rocking it!

Kristin said...

Crazy, girl. Crazy.

Diz said...

I love that you went home early, I would've done the same thing. GOOD GIRL! I don't know why you don't want to finish the recipe tonight either, I say do it. Make some damn good cupcakes for those of us that don't have any batter right now.

Maria said...

I went to meet a personal trainer last week, and my nips were at full attention the entire time. And the sports bra is not padded, of course. I wish I could've kept them under wraps, but I realized I'd never manage a shoulder press with my forearms glued to my chest. Ah well. Hope he didn't mind the show!

Tina said...

Ok...at least you dont have to stick your hand down your bra and position yoru nips so they aren't pointing out yoru arm pit or down...Mine move all over the place in my bra....I even had a bra fitter position mine for me because i was not doing it quick enough for her....

I wasn't very happy with the VC bra fitters. I go to my big department store (nordstroms for me not sure what it would be in the midwest)...They are awesome but molest your boobs more.

Jess said...

You dirty little hook piece.

I hope you find a bra you fall in love with. Boring for us but yay for you.

And hot vloggity-vlog, that'd be rad!

Corletta said...

You must be a technical writer!! I don't even like to read, but follow EVERY word on your posts!! It's like I gotta finish :) Anyways...woot woot to no longer being anonynomous. I think that you should get a poll of what everyone thinks you look like before you reveal!!!

-Grace- said...

I will also join in the nagging you to post bikini pics!

And I really hope you and Jen do a vlog because I just cannot wait until September to see you!

Girl Bandit said...

Post bikini pic...now!!!