Thursday, May 13, 2010

Talking with a tampon....

It’s really not even funny anymore. This tampon, pantyliner, hemmoraging proclaiming it to the world crap. I guess it never was.

My Aunt Flo is manageable. I cannot complain. I get mine for one day – and it’s hardly anything. Which is exactly why being haunted by Kotex Gods is so odd to me!? I do not swear at Aunt Flo. I don’t hold any grudges against her. Once in a while I blog about her but for the most part I could care less about her. This is also why I do not carry Kotex stuff with me everywhere like most women do. 
I have a mom and a sister who carry tampons in their purses, their cars, their pockets, their shoes, and in their ears. Okay – not that bad but seriously – they are never without a spare. Not me. I keep them in one spot – under the cupboard. I only need one once a month – no need to pack them with me everywhere you know?

But this week a girl in my office came in and asked if she could borrow a tampon. First off – you could have one if I had one – borrowing implies giving back and after you use it – please just keep it and consider it a gift. No need to give it back. Second – why would *I* have those with me???  I barely use them myself.

But I got to thinking maybe it would be smart to bring some to work just in case. I could pretend to be like the other women in the office who stock boxes of them in the bathroom and put their name on them. I could belong. 

Why we need to label whose tampons are whose I do not know? I guess people are afraid someone might steal one and use it for something else…..like plugging their nose so they don’t have to smell what Explosive Man left behind. 

I might decorate my box with stickers but not my name.  I might put someone else's name on mine in fact because I just find it odd that you’d want to write your name in big black letters across anything that says the words SUPER SUPER SUPER HUGE AND ABSORBENT on the package.

Okay – back to my story. I NEVER bring these products to work but I’m all being proactive and threw a couple in my work bag this morning to bring in. I also threw in some granola bars – generic so the package is only white with blue writing. Yes yes – you see where this is going don’t you?

I couldn’t plan this shit if I tried.

I was talking to a manager this morning – while I unpacked my bag. I shove my hand in my bag without looking because remember – I *NEVER* have anything other than papers and food for the day in my bag.

I grab the “granola bar”….I’m waving it around like a Baptist preacher screaming hallelujah. Because yes girls – I am also a woman who talks with her hands – big time.

Only to look down and realize that I am making a point – to him – with a tampon…..not a granola bar. Granola bars are not round for those of you wondering. They are however, eerily packaged in the same kind of white plastic stuff - that feels identical when reaching in a bag when you aren't looking at what you are grabbing.

The man I was talking to doesn’t speak woman so I’m pretty sure he had no freaking idea I was using a tampon as a pointer. And I had to pretend it was normal. I couldn’t very well – in the middle of the sentence when I realized it – go “oh my – let me put my tampon down and continue talking to you.”

THIS is my punishment for only dealing with Aunt Flo one day a month. This is day 3 of being haunted by feminine hygiene products. What is going on?

I’m probably pregnant….and this is God’s way of laughing at me.

By the way – if anyone needs a tampon – my office is very proactively stocked now thank you very much!

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. 

I just can't wait for tomorrow.  I'll probably overdose on Midol because I've accidentally mistaken it for sweet tarts. 

How do you guys bring this contraband into work on a regular basis without someone seeing it?  Girls here bring whole boxes???  I try to bring a few and look at what happens. 

29 comments:

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

Listen Drazil.

Just get a REALLY cute box/lidded basket/kleenex box cover. Then put your ghosties INSIDE it.

Then take it to work.

K?

Amanda said...

I don't even bother hiding it. There's one of me and eight of them. I figure I have to make my mark somehow.

One day, eh? Day nine and counting here... the gods hate me LOL

Ice Queen said...

Oh Lord... I think I just peed myself, laughing.

LauraLynne said...

just for you:
http://www.tamponcrafts.com/

Stephanie said...

Sweet baby ray, you just made my afternoon. I was laughing so hard at my desk I was afraid I'd pee my pants. You are the queen of the blogs, you know that?

Diz said...

Damn girl; you REALLY have a thing for periods, or at least letting everyone in the office think you have a thing for them. Hahaha- this is a great story!!! Only you Draz...this shiz only happens to you. ;)

Stacie said...

I work in an office with all men, so I just don't hide carrying them to the bathroom on the days I need them. I carry them with pride, and as a warning for these men not to piss me off.

I have to admit I was litterally laughing out loud when reading your post a few times.

Kim said...

Draz - I got an IUD for birth control and have no periods! I haven't used a tampon for years . . .

Band-Babe said...

Didn't someone mention these things come in threes? Looks like your turn may be over?

Draz, you are so ahead of me as a mom. My third child is my charm (finally learned to not stress anything at all). I completely get you not wanting your children to ever change mispronounced words (we still say things the way my five year old used to, even though he's far outgrown those words)... I just want my children's sweetness burned into my memory forever. And I ask my son what my name is all the time because I can't get enough of his darling little boy voice calling me "mom". I remember your post when your daughter was driving you nuts one day, and then reading your reaction to watching her asleep that evening as nothing less than a little angel. That's when all is perfect in the world!

LDswims said...

I say you might be on to something - be ware...the Gods are telling you something!!!

Too funny!!!!

Beth said...

You are do damn funny! I am in a library right now and I laughed out loud, so everyone else knows your funny too! You should really do some sort of voodoo dance or something, because the feminine product goddess is mad at you!

Katie J said...

I am with Kim. Get yourself a Mirena IUD and you won't have periods at all.

I used to have MAJOR problems with my Aunt Flo and considered buying stock in Kotex. At one time, I bled for an entire summer! Yes, you read that right, the WHOLE summer. You would have gone bezerk Draz! Anyways, it is well worth it if you are not planning on more children.

This shit only happens to you honey. Did you piss off the period gods? :) Smooches!

River said...

I really needed this laugh. Thank you!

I don't even have that one day some months. I don't use tampon. I use the daily, thin ones and that's enough for me.

You could ask for sticker donations from fellow bloggers :D

Genie @ Diet of 51 said...

Obviously you have been cursed by the Gods of Feminine Hygiene. Maybe because they initially let you off so easy by only scheduling one day a month with you. I didn't even know that was a possibility!

I used to have 'em crammed into all of the nooks and crannies of my life until the Flo Factory finally shut down last year. I thought that would be great, but my body misses its estrogen!!! Apparently, it was addicted, but I didn't know..

So sorry, Aunt Flo, didn't mean to hate you so much each month...

amandakiska said...

Oh Drazil...I swear I am laughing WITH you, not AT you. The only think that I can say is that most men are so terrified of these items that you might have been waiving around a stick of dynamite. When you are talking with a tampon in your hand would be a good time to ask for a raise or some extra vacation time.

Bonnie said...

I'm sorry I can't read your blog any more because I hate you. ONE DAY! You deserve to be haunted, girlfriend. Just kidding. Not about the haunting - about the not reading. There is no way I could stop reading your hilarious posts.

Brooke said...

I work with two guys who are constantly going into what they haved deemed the "brooke tampon and shoe cabinet" to steal my cinammon gum and my DH is cool with feminine hygeine so I probably would have continued using the pon to make my point, but I'm just that way!

;-)

Ms. Chunky Chick said...

Ha i knew it would happen. Sorry dear but it is too funny! And to let you know I used to bring my girlie things in an old makeup bag. I also threw a pair of emergency panties in the bag too. And I am one of those has to have one everywhere kind of gals.

Barbara said...

OMG that is funny.. no more P's for me.. i got the tunnel zapped and that put the end to that..

Miss S. said...

HA HA HA! Bling out that Tampon Box!
You need a Tampon with a lazer pointer for meetings. =)

Cindylew said...

Damn girl...you've got to start a book with this shit.
I'd buy it.

kagead said...

Too freaking funny. I don't have an IUD but I do the continuous pill so I only get my period 4x per year (if that.) Needless to say, I don't carry anything with me unless I know for sure I'm going to be using it!

When I worked in an office, the women outnumbered the men by 5 to 1 or so. They guys had no chance of escaping our feminine products, discussions of feminine products and the inevitable synching of our feminine visitors. We used to laugh our asses off!

Carmen said...

lmao! you are too much! i can't wait to pick you up and swing you around like a little doll :-)

i have a separate bag in my purse that i keep all my plugs in (that is what i call tampons lol)

-Grace- said...

Hilarious! Lemme know who you pissed off so I can avoid this wrath!

Fiona said...

ha ha loved this post. To prove men dont listen for fear of finding out something they dont want to know, when i had my surgery I showed my boss the letter from the hospital which only stated I was having surgery not what it wasfor. To this day he has not asked me what I had done. I am sure he fears it may have been for "womens problems" given that I am over 40. Ha Ha jokes on him. We should use this fear to our full advantage.

Fiona said...

oh I dont have your email address but wondered if you could ask the following question on your BYOC?

Donny Osmond or David Cassidy? Who was your teenage heart throb? Either of these or someone else?

Thanks xxxxx

Roo said...

To funny, but you would be surprised how often a tampon related incident occurs...I dropped one out of my bag one day on the train at peak hour and it seemed everybody on the carriage saw me drop it, so I had to pick it up and pop it back in my bag ..I was so embarrassed...if no one had seen it I would have just left it!

*~D~* said...

Just so you know, I am certain my 9year old thinks mommy had a complete psychotic break last night. I was watching the second half of Private Practice, bawling my eyes out because they killed off Dell. Seriously?! (oh, that's Grey's Anatomy) Then I read your blog during the commercial and laughed so hard at the "Overdose on midol thinking they were sweettarts" that not only was I wheezing like a 90 year old asthmatic but tears were streaming down my face. I'd stop and try to continue reading and bust out laughing again. Yes...I am sure my daughter thinks I'm certifiably nuts now!

Deborah said...

You only have Aunt Flo for one day? WTF When I was in middle school a girl's kotex fell out while we were performing a dance rountine for our parents. And she did just what you said, she bent over and picked it up on our way off the stage. When I think of her I always picture that.