Thursday, May 6, 2010

Tooth Fairies, liver stealing and 365 days of "dessert"......

Drazil's in a thinking mood....beware....


• Okay - who the eff invented the Tooth Fairy? I’m guessing it’s the same MAN who invented high heels, pantyhose, those “things” all men love – ack, and lingerie. The Tooth Fairy at our house is a lazy good for nothing slacker. He should be stripped of his wings.

Yesterday my daughter lost 4 teeth – yes 4 – so it was a pretty big deal. Of course we go to bed and Rambo (husband) is sleeping. Snoring. Pissing me off. I’m going to cut his weiner off any minute. BUT THEN – I was saved by the Tooth Fairy. I woke his snoring ass up and said, “Hey – go be the Tooth Fairy would ya? And be careful flitting over those legos on the floor while you do it. They can be a bitch on twinkle toes.”

Crisis averted. Rambo saved the day again. Didn’t even need wolf pee on his shoes to do it.

• Also today I just want to say I want a lap band. I want to borrow a band or steal one…I’m not above doing either. I want something in me physically that stops me from inhaling that whore Little Debbie and all her cohorts like I haven’t seen food in 16 days. I’m on the lookout for a vulnerable lap bander who won’t notice me stealing their lap band right from under their nose…you know – like those crazies who steal people’s livers and stuff.  Did I mention I’m desperate?

• Last – I have NO idea why I keep thinking about this…other than I can’t seem to post a blog without mentioning something that will surely offend someone. It’s part of my charm.

Did any of you guys ever watch the Oprah show with the couple on there that has sex EVERY night?

Every.
Godforsaken.
Night.

Get up off the floor. Pick your jaws up. Stop choking on your water. Cuz apparently it’s possible. Now no – they are not porn stars. They both work full time and have children.

I don’t get it. I think they lie. A. lot. The wife said in one year’s time there were probably only 2 days they didn’t. The audience was dumbfounded to say the least. Can you imagine – through stressful work days, pissy days with your in-laws, tiring holidays, trips, time of the month hormones and all that……they do it anyway?? I think they are part rabbit and insane romantic.

The wife said it’s part of their routine now and it brings them closer and they love it. My question is can it be good every day? Doesn’t it get old? Doesn’t the vagizzle need a break? In reality I guess prostitutes and porn stars probably do it every day but that’s my point – they can do it cuz they don’t have to love the person they are with – it can be just physical and they’re allowed to fake it. They’re supposed to fake it. (I should do a post on faking...that whole thing intrigues me....what the hell is wrong with me?)  This couple is expending emotions along with the physical demands of dessert that are involved. Can you imagine?

Does anyone else think this is crazy talk? I’m just thanking God my husband didn’t hear it’s even possible. I’ve told him many times that women can’t do it every day – if we try it – we’ll break for good and you can never do it again. How in the world do they keep it new and fresh 365 days a damn year? I’d rather spray bug spray in my own eyes I think. No I take that back. My mind wants to do it every day. My body is too freaking tired. That’s more accurate.

Okay – no point to this story – it’s just interesting. I wonder how many couples do this. I guess it’s not that odd. When Rambo and I were dating and not married it was every day or 12 times in a day really. The thought of that now with 2 kids and full time and part time jobs amuck seems impossible. Could any of you do it? You don’t have to answer that. Unless you want to cuz you’re pervs just like me!

BYOC tomorrow! Anyone got question suggestions you want asked?


44 comments:

Jennifer said...

lol - no way it's good every single day. NO WAY!

Great post! Yes, yes do one on faking!!!

DB said...

Ha - my Vagizzile has lost it's everyday sizzle - no way - need a break!

Linda said...

Ok- no way! I need my man to work a little bit for it.they are freaks- what do they do with a sick screaming kid?"sorry honey I know you have a fever of 102,but I have to go service daddy"?

Stacie said...

That is insane. I can't imagine that every day would be good. Some days she has to fake it.

Sherry said...

All I can say is "Shut Yo MOUFF". I do not want to even THINK that is possible. And my husband will NOT know about this. I won't even think about it for too long for fear he will hear my thoughts.

amandakiska said...

My fella and I are doing good to have it EVERY WEEK! I cannot imagine every day! Crazy! What about TOM? That's just gross!

One time the Tooth Fairy forgot to come to our house. I had to send her an email and then she came by right away. My daughter still talks about it. Drazil, this is part of the "magic" of childhood and we grown ups are obligated to participate. They'll have decades to be jaded old farts who only want sex once a week like the rest of us!

Gilly said...

I WANNA do it every day...just not with MY hubs! lol!

Band-Babe said...

My favorite subject, thank you very much! Ummm... I think there's a little more excitement to sex when it's NOT every day. Especially for a woman. For example, if it's been a week (or two plus weeks because you've just had major abdominal surgery)... the thought of it is WAY more exciting. Plus honestly, it feels better if it's been a few days- the climax is WAY better. I think guys should do it everyday so that they don't become mental, but honestly, that doesn't have to involve me at all. And, it is all about me.

tessierose said...

I love you all! My side hurts.

VRaz60 said...

Dear God!! Every night??? Not a chance in hell.

Nora said...

No effing way. We don't have kids and just live in sin (cohabitate) and I can't imagine it. Both sides should be able to take care of independently... Less work and worry about the other person all the time. Connection-schma-scmection.

Although - likely when I lose those last 30#, my boobs magically lift and my cellulite disappear, I may want to have sex like a porn star or above mentioned couple. I'll report back in a few months. lol.

Colls said...

You CAN'T have mine! Stay away, I like my band too much! Actually, I am kinda glad now that I can't go to Chitown with all you fabulous bandsters. I wouldn't be able to close my eyes and go to sleep, I would be wondering if you were lurking in the dark ready to take my precious band ;)

Sex everyday - no way! I too feel that if I had it everyday my poor little hootananny would brake! And you are right, when Dan and I started dating we did it many times in a day! We couldn't keep our hands off of each other! But, that was almost 11 YEARS ago, life happens and you do it less.

Now I do try to make sure we have naughty fun time at least once a week. We don't even have kids yet, ugh!

For me though, less sex actually stems more from self image issues that I have had since gaining those last 40 lbs a few years ago... <3

LauraLynne said...

maybe because I'm still a honeymooner (last August still counts, right?)
Or maybe because my husband turns on every sense in me
Or maybe because I'm in the prime of my life (or so they say...)
or maybe...

Well, let's just say I CAN imagine it! :)

And maybe you could google the ingredients or somethign icky about that whole Little Debbie...something to gross you out?
I'll bet that's what EM bowel movements LOOK like (there - how's THAT?!)

good luck.

(and I'm cracking up because my word verification is SuLUTT, I'm ignoring the extra u)

Carmen said...

the bf's sister and her hubby do it at least once a day, every day, TOM included, even when they are fighting... craziness

Brooke said...

Hmmm I could do it every day for a period of time- like when you're first in love (lust) but for a 5 yr marriage? Come on. That's just crazy.

River said...

Hey there! I'm a 25 year-old girl in love with her boyfriend and no I don't wanna do it everyday. I've also been with many women, some fun some serious, and no I didn't wanna have sex every single day.

Good for that couple if they are happy with what they've got going. It's not for everyone. Simple as that. Moving on...

If you'd waken me up in the middle of the night for a tooth! I'd have killed you woman! (I believe this is the second time I'm on your hubband's side what the hell is wrong with ME!)

4 teeth! Are you sure your daughter isn't trying to tell you something like rob a bank soon or you're in deep trouble?! May be.

I'm Just Another Fat Girl said...

Dear Drazil,

There are some parts of sex that I wouldn't mind on a daily basis...

You know, I'm at work. I can't be thinking of such things right now!

But still, Sex does burn calories.

-jafg

Jo said...

1. No, you can't have my band.
2. Every day? You've got to be kidding me. All I can say is thank God for blood pressure meds.
3. Little Debbie HoHo IS a WHORE.
4. Great post!

Debi said...

LOL! No freaking way do I WANT sex every single night!

Now remember, I am going to be 55 this summer, so I am happy to have it once every week or two!!

On the other hand, my DH would like it every night! So we compromise and have it 2-3 times a week (most weeks).

Which I think after being together for 19 yrs and our age, isn't too bad!

Katie J said...

I big puffy heart Band Babe!

I am lucky to get it once a month! I averaged 3 times last YEAR!! Hmm the perils of dating an older guy. I supplement by investing in Duracells ;-)

Barbara said...

Who the hell has the energy for THAT.. I would rather be the tooth fairy every nite!!

The Curvaceous Conundrum said...

If I could, I would have sex at least once a day, if not more. A lot of guys are all talk...not many can handle girls with high sex drives :)

Xo honey!

Cindylew said...

First of all...Take My Band PLEEEEEZ.
There's this new charming thing that started Tuesday and has pretty much been with me ever since...sharp stabbing pains which travel between my rib cage and my lower abdomen...on the side of my port scar. Feels like when you get a "stitch" in your side that makes it hurt to stand erect. I had my one week check-up yesterday with the surgeon and all he had to offer was..."you're doing too much and this is your body's way of telling you that"...WTF...get down there and check out what the heck is going on...anyway...Horton's all yours.
As far as sex every night...when pigs fly.

Nella said...

Love it!

Nella said...

Oh yeah, bring me ROB LOWE and I AM DONE!

Bonnie said...

I've seen from different sources that the "average" married couple has sex 2-3 times a week. There is NO WAY I would want to have sex every day. Doesn't she get her period? Thank God my kids are past the tooth fairy stage. My go to excuse when I forgot to leave money is "Did you look really good?" and when they went back to check again, I'd palm $1, go to their room, reach under the bed and pull out the money saying "Oh, you must have knocked it our from under your pillow when you were sleeping." Yep, when all else fails, blame your kid.

Tina said...

I saw that episode on Oprah!!! and she was pitching it as a weight loss option (please!!!)....They did a follow-up show later and if I remember correctly she said they quit for more than a month after the year was up because it did get old.

From the sounds of things it was a gimmick she dreamed up the idea to sell books.

Oh and gets your mitts away from my band....

Tina

Sandy Lee said...

OK. I know I posted that there hasn't been anything funny posted this week but my wine just squirted out my nose. LOL. You can borrow my band if you like, but you will have to clean up the mess and I know how you feel about body fluids. So willpower will be your nemesis. You want to look good in that bikini in Chicago and make us all look like old ladies don't you. Oh yeah, I'm an old lady. I wanted to get a bit romantic on Friday night since the hubs had been away. He rolls over and start coughing up crap from his lungs (he has asthma and I think the cat is getting to him :D). I told him he had his one chance this year and too bad he was sick. But every night! I wish. That's what the magic bullet is for and I don't mean the bullet. Nasty old lady I am.

Also about the tooth fairy-always forgot. I still remember my 8 year old son looking forlorn because the tooth fairy forgot TWO nights in a row. I finally had to tell him. He asked if the Easter bunny was real and I had to confess. He said that was OK because at least Santa was real! It was another couple of years before he "knew". No wonder he was in therapy for a year.

So thanks for the wine out the nose post because I really needed it. Maybe I really needed a good screw, but who's keeping track. I hear sex is good for migraines. My verification work is Ball U

Sandy Lee said...

Sorry meant to say the magic bullet is not the blender thingy. My friend gave us one. She has a friend who distributes these vibrating bullet thingys. Just so you get it straight in your head.

Kristin said...

A few years ago I read an article in a magazine that was similar to this. I challenged the Hubs to do it every night for a week. Pretty sure we gave up after day 3.

I do remember doing it nearly every day when I first started having sex. And as I recall the BF and I did it as often as possible for about two years. But then I turned 20 and it all went downhill... ;)

Sandy Lee said...

Me again. Just want you to think you get a lot of Comment :D . Anyway, BYOC-Have you ever told a fib to get out of a date? I have a great answer to that one. Also I need some funnies-so how about a short joke or best funny post this week. I am going to post my most inspiring post now on Fridays. I hope you have a great Friday-I'm off work, so I will.

Genie @ Diet of 51 said...

You are so funny!

"I’d rather spray bug spray in my own eyes."

DITTO!

-Grace- said...

Every day?! That shit is bananas. I'm tired just thinking about it.

Jess said...

When we were trying to make babies, I made us do it every day near ovulation time. We were both barely able to 'perform' by day four. It was like an earthworm trying to dig a hole in the Sahara.

Diz said...

Believe it or not, there are a few (very select few) of us poor, deprived souls who are having NO FUN...if you know what I mean. I've been on a strict diet of "dessert" for so damn long I barely remember what it even looks like, tastes like, smells like...

So of course, if the day ever comes, I will need to do it every day to make up for the hellish drought I've been in for all of these years (all in my prime, mind you. Life can be CRUEL sometimes).

Now that I think about it, I distinctly remember my dessert being a little better when it wasn't everyday...was a little more explosive if you know what I mean. Had a little more pop to it. Everyday kind of dimmed it a little...but of course it's been so long I don't even know if I'm making sense right now...

Anyway, if you go steal a lapband, will you steal me one too? I'd appreciate it-

Loves! D

Angela Pea said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Angela Pea said...

LMAO this morning!!! Oh Lordy, I needed a laugh today. This week has sucked raw eggs.

In our bed, Hubby really does want it every blasted day. Personally, I could do with once a week, so that the poor hoochie has time to recover sufficiently for the next go-round. We compromise. Oh, and I always get "vacation week", as he lovingly refers to that TOM, off. I drafted that deal into a contract because no-WAY am I going to wash messy sheets.

I about to have some major surgery and the playground is going to be closed for six weeks. Poor Hubby may expire from DSB (Deadly Semen Backup).

Girl Bandit said...

OMG....these posts are too much. Love it Angela Pea....too funny. Not much to add except I would like a bit more. I semt hubby a text about getting his arse on upstairs but he was asleep on the lounge...so who missses out....yep me...HAPPY MOTHERS DAY

Tina said...

Reading these comments was almost as funny as the post itself....I came back for some morning wake up laughing.

Tina

Dirttrackdiva said...

ok, i've said this many times, but now i believe it without a doubt. hubbykins and i are wired backwards. like katie, i'm married to an older man (7 years my senior) and it's different for him. no taking sex away from my man, he doesn't care. lol not much "homework" as my dad calls it, gets done around my house.
in hubby's defense, i have a really bad back. three herniated disks and such, but my theory is i'm gonna hurt anyway, i might as well get some joy out of it. lol when hubby and i started dating we went at it like rabbits.....then we got married. lol you always hear the men say the sex stops after marriage, well i'm here to say that it does.
he once said he was afraid of hurting me. i told him to get over himself. lol then he said he meant hurting my back. oops. there went that shot.
nice post draz, smooches girlfriend. love ya.

Sandy said...

OK, that was great! So fun to read the post and all the comments. Great way to start the weekend (ok, it is only Friday...but I am counting today as a weekend, so there!). TGIF!

I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have forgotten the tooth fairy. Finally, just last month, after DAYS of tooth fairy failures, I confessed to my 9 year-old. My 7 year-old may soon be none-the-wiser...Stupid Tooth Fairy...

And as for S-E-X. Hilarious!
Jess, the visual of a earthworm trying to dig a hole in the Sahara...priceless!

Great post!

Katie J said...

Okay so I just had to add that my man is 15 years older then me. I am 43 and a horn dog and he is 59. We are close and we cuddle and kiss but sex is far and few between. It is getting better though ;-) as I have already done it with him 3 times this year and its only May - last year it was 3 times the WHOLE year! Thanks D for talking about this. Nice to know I am not alone

My Life As I Live It said...

I can't imagine doing it every day, in theory it seems fun, but in reality, one good night can satisfy me for days (cause it's that good).

Merri said...

Hmm im not married..and the only time I was in a (over a yr long) relationship where, altho I had my own place, I was practically living at this guy's house, we were together 9 nites out of 10, we had sex about every day. At least once if not more, often twice, or more. If we didn’t id complain lol. Whats the point of being in a serious relationship if you don’t get frequent sex? When im single, which is 99% of the time, I NEVER get to have sex. Ever. But if I were married id for sure want sex most nights. Or days. Or mornings. Or all of the above.
the only other semi serious relationship i've been in, she lived pretty far away so it was very difficult for me to get sex very often at all :( and i can see by the comments that my way of thinking is def in the minority lol.