Thursday, June 24, 2010

And the (s)hits just keep on coming....

Yah….not a week (or even a day for that matter) can go by without me discussing poop. *sigh* If you think I enjoy it, you’re crazier than I am but I can’t help but share the shit hell I live in. Explosive Man isn’t here this week. This time it’s not even his raunchy ass doing the deed. I don’t know the culprit…but I intend to find out.

Anywhoozle – like I said, Explosive Man is gone but yet I went into the bathroom yesterday and would have inhaled sharply had I been breathing. I’ve learned not to breathe when I walk in there. Poop – real honest to goodness poop from someone’s bowels – was ON the toilet seat. I nearly lost my cookies but that would have meant bending down near the toilet and that wasn’t going to happen.

How does that happen? I mean I imagine you’d have to go in there and NOT sit down and bend over and hold on to your ankles and shoot. It cannot happen if you are sitting like a normal person going poo. So um yah, if you think my sanitary albeit cheese-curdy cellulite-y ass was gonna use that bathroom – well then I’ve got some land I wanna sell you for a good price. I haven’t been back to that bathroom all week. The memory haunts me. I have nightmares. I’m thinking of filing a workman’s comp claim. I am sure I have a case.

Also – my BYOC goal was to have no sugar, drink 64 oz of water and stay under 1200 cals yesterday. My blogger friend Carmen made her goal of 64 oz of water too and so we had a water fight all day. Well really we just bitched to each other about how stupid we were to make such a goal when we both hate water.

At one point she had the freaking nerve to tell me she had only eaten less than 300 cals. I replied with, “Wouldn’t a Dairy Queen blizzard hit the spot right now Carmen?” Hey – I never said I was nice or played fair. Little did I know she lives within walking distance of one. And little did I know Carmen has Rambo balls of steel under her too big underwear. She went past DQ twice – and never got ice cream. (She’s a whore. I hate her.) But whatever – yesterday found me at 8pm guzzling down 32oz of water right before bed. Nice. My bladder nearly exploded and I had to get up to pee during the night. Mama was not happy about that. I love my sleep and I’d rather pee myself than get up and go to the bathroom…but I did it.

I did have sugar though – as a family after soccer we had ice cream and I had the cals for it so I ate it. No regrets. I was really close to 1200 cals (haven’t tallied it yet) so for me 2 out of 3 ain’t bad. I see in blog world a bunch of you kept your BYOC goals…I’m thinking of making it a repeat challenge each week. Just one goal for one day a week – so we can build on those successes.

Speaking of BYOC – anyone have any questions you want answered that I haven’t asked yet?

And finally – I’m feeling guilty this morning. My little girl is sick…a fever and sore throat and my husband is on vacay so of course as she was up all night he took care of her. He had plans today but will be very tired now. And being the Mother of the Year that I am….I feel guilty for sleeping. WTF?

Might I mention that up until this year my husband worked 3rd shift so I was on my own when my girls were infants – and my kids were not sleepers. I can’t tell you the number of days I went to work in a coma….but I did it. I mean in all honesty it’s his turn and he does it happily – but Jesus – I feel guilty. Why are women programmed that way? I think it goes back to that stupid witch Eve and that freaking apple Adam gave her. I just know it.

Oh and one more thing. While we’re on the subject of men…yesterday a guy I work with walked in my office and said, “Hey – you’re an accounting type person….would you have change for a 5?” That’s like me saying to him, “Hey – you have a penis…is your head stuck up your ass every day or just every other day?”

WHAT? I’m an accountant so now I’m a bank? I wasn’t aware that accountants carried wads of change in their pockets 24/7…so your dumb ass can buy a candy bar out of the vending machine without even gaining an ounce. I told him NO – I don’t have change….now take your penis and go.

Um yah – I totally had change. He’s one of the bathroom exploding take 45 minute poopers so I’m not a fan of his….

Holy shitballs – I am done.....and I'm not wearing underwear today.  How fun is that?  I'm sure you all wanted to know that so I threw it in there cuz I'm all about making my bloggie friends happy!

Be well, my friends,
~Draz

14 comments:

Dazee Dreamer said...

I feel like you and I work at the same place. Men and their stinky poop. I'm the only woman where I work, and got so tired of the left poop in my restroom, I finally told the boss, a deadbolt on my door, or I'm outta here. Now any woman that comes in and needs to use it, has to go through me. hahahaha.

Not to mention, I ended up buying a nice flavor of air spray because honestly, when the smell is coming down the hall, that is some smelly shit. Don't these guys eat the same food as woman. I don't get it.

Carmen said...

LOL!! you are too much :-)

1reign said...

Draz you make my day, and thanks for gracing my blog with your presence and showing me love, I was flattered.
At my old job someone pooped on the seat and left it and my friend who discovered comes out and was like "go see" why the hell would i do that, i gag at the smell of other folks' poop I don't need visual evidence of the lack of home training. I'll take your word for it boo.

Jacquie said...

I think you should open up your own "one woman accounting practice" and than you wouldm't have to worry about going in the bathroom at work! On second thought, don't do that...you're too funny right there at work!

TracyZ said...

So I also share a bathroom with lots of men as our floor has co-ed bathrooms, 30 or so men, and only about 4 women.

I cannot count the number of times I have walked into the bathroom, looked around, got disgusted, and walked back out. I climb the stairs to the floor where there are separate facilities for the men and women.

I totally missed BYOC last week so I don't even know about this whole goals-we-set business. Crap! I promise I will pay better attention tomorrow (even though I do have my house inspection and will be spending the morning standing in MY NEW HOUSE)!

Oh and I do have a BYOC question to throw at you. I've noticed a lot of band bloggers that have hit a wall. It seems to be those of us around the 6 month mark. So I am curious to all the dieters, bandsters, and bypassers (and anyone I may have missed) when they experienced the "worst" plateaus and what did they do to get past them. I think a lot of us need some serious feedback from people who have been where we are!

Kristin said...

OMG, my first-grader keeps going to school without underwear too. Now I know where he gets it.

karen said...

WTF? Who craps on the toilet seat - I want to know do these people do this at home? No ?! Then why would they think it is acceptable somewhere else. I am a nurse and you cannot believe what people will do - like patients who leave their dirty kotex on the middle of the bathroom floor - Really? There is a trash can right next to the toilet.
Amen on the husband paying his dues. Hell when my kids were infants, my husband would sleep right through the kids screaming - I finally took both of my feet and pushed him out of the bed onto the floor and announced that it was his turn

Corletta said...

I tell ya. EVERY TIME. There is always something that I read and think, "Uh....she kills me"! My favorite part this time was about you getting workmen's comp.....HA HA HA HA HAH AHA HA :)

-Grace- said...

I love you, Draz. And I'm sorry that you work with folks raised in a barn when it comes to bathroom etiquette!

Ice Queen said...

It amazes me that people have no problem being absolute pigs everywhere they go. Public bathrooms are not the place to practice your shit art or hold a vampire rodeo. Yuk!

Jess said...

I have a similar "shit in the bathroom at work story" only when I walked into the stall and latched the door I turned around and saw stanky shit smeared on the floor, stall walls, toilet seat, flusher, toilet paper dispenser and in the trash can beside the toilet. My theory is some old senile biddy done went in there and dropped trou, grabbed ankles, and explosive diarrhea shat everywhere! Like a bomb went off in her ass! And I almost hurled my guts up as I fled the bathroom screaming like a banchee! Yup....scary nasty bastards!

Bonnie said...

This is a totally selfish question for BYOC and understand if you don't want to use it, but I'd love to know if there was one piece of good advice you'd give to a new bandster, what would it be? It's amazing to me how clueless people can be - inside the bathroom and out.

Cindylew said...

Draz...love the BM stories...they never get old.
How about a BYOC question about "blogging habits"...how many do you follow...what's your nightly (or however how often) routine to check those you follow...how long does it take each night...how long do you keep commenting and following someone who continually fails to visit or follow your blog????...that kind of stuff. I follow 60-70 and I just marvel at the numbers that you and others look like you follow.

Liz - Lizzle - Libby Lou said...

I love the line about the accountant and for him to "take your penis and go"! LMAO! And the fact that you're not wearing panties.... um, you made me hot! Haha! :D