Thursday, June 3, 2010

Best friend visits are good for the soul......but....

...not so good on my flabby ass. I swear to God Jenny tries to fatten me up when I visit her and now I have proof. My scale is up 5 lbs.

Go see Jenny for 3 days = gain 5 pounds.

Was it worth it?

Abso-freaking-lutely!

I even walked 4 miles BEFORE I went to Jenny’s Friday morning in preparation for my feasting…can you imagine if I hadn’t?

Ice cream ran amuck. The first night we had Dairy Queen cake for Jenny’s b-day. The second day we passed a Dairy Queen and decided we couldn’t pass it again without getting a blizzard. Third night we went out for Mexican and I was so full I could barely move…but I waddled my chubby ass into Coldstone Creamery and ordered chocolate with M&Ms. Before we did our vlog – we ate chocolate bars. Ate a bag of licorice too. And pizza 2 out of 3 days. And burgers and hot dogs. And parade candy. And orgasmic pop tarts. And bucketloads of soda.

All in the name of fun. And God bless Jenny – every time I turned around she told me I was smoking hot….as she handed me another Pepsi. She is evil.

Oh and the night of Mexican – anyone want to guess what our topic of choice was? It started at the end of the meal – thank God – and didn’t finish until we pulled into the driveway at home.

Poop.

Jenny and I laughed so hard our stomachs hurt as we got the male version of poop and all its grossness. They are so much sicker than women. They talked about how other men go at work and leave it in the toilet for other people as a present. We discussed how some men sit on the toilet for freaking hours – cuz when the turds are in there sideways and hard as diamonds (to quote them) – you know – it takes a while. And we found out some men adlib while pooping…like when they make an especially loud noise they’ve been known to say “Nice” – out loud – as if high fiving themselves on their abilities. I’m here to tell you they’d give Explosive Man a run for their money. We heard words like Shrek turds and sniff biscuits and on and on. Jenny’s husband could barely drive.

We’re a sexy bunch I tell you. Don’t you wish you could hang out with us on our poop parade? We’d feed you ice cream the whole time.

PS – A bunch of you asked for pics of my VS bras….well – Jenny and I actually did a vlog and showed you my new boobies but we can’t get the vlog to work (boohoo) so maybe if you’re lucky I could take some pics.

PPS – My followers are a bunch of pervs cuz most couldn’t believe I was let out of the bedroom long enough to blog with a bag full of new lingerie. Truth is – it’s still in the bag – I never took it out. Buying it was a huge hurdle – putting it on – well give me time….and let me lose the 5 lbs I gained. That’s not to say I am not getting propositioned by the husband every 5 freaking seconds about the bag and what’s in it and when will he get his show? I’ve created a monster…and I’m playing hard to get. Cuz I can and it’s fun.

PPPS – Some of you wanted to know what FUPA is. It is not my term – I think I heard it from Carmen first and it came up with our whootananny talk. I think it stands for Fat Upper P. . . . Area. (third word rhymes with wussy and I just can’t type it out – ha!) It’s what I call the Ken doll. Ever seen a Barbie or Ken doll naked – they have that square crotch area that sticks out? I have that. I didn’t before. My tummy tuck scar is super low – right above my Ken doll skin – and is almost concave, inverted, goes in – which therefore makes the skin around it seem to stick out. You can ask Jenny – she can confirm this. When I was trying on my lingerie I showed her my FUPA and she could clearly see it as a bump if you look at me sideways. It doesn’t bother me – no one sees this really but me (and Jenny now) and you can’t tell in my clothes. It does bother some though – I know many women have it lipoed after their tummy tuck but lipo that close to my vagizzle creeps me out. So there you have it – new word of the day – FUPA. Take that home to your momma (but please don't tell her you got it from me)!


13 comments:

Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

Just so I have months to prepare, is that the kind of eating that you're gonna require of me in Chicago? LOL

Good girl, keep playing hard to get & make sure he doesn't peek in the bag. :)

tessierose said...

You always make me laugh!

Carmen said...

that is exactly what FUPA means! male version is FUCA i'm sure you can figure it out!
and draz, what the heck is an orgasmic poptart, i want one, or many lol man i haven't had a poptart in so long.....

Jennifer said...

Oh Mi Ga!!! Please tell them *I* didn't eat that much. Or did I? NO WONDER my hubby ratted me out at the Dr. appt! lmao!!!

The day you left, I was up 2 lbs. but the next day I lost that plus one more. So we are 3 and 3 - just the opposite direction.
Sorry!! :)

LOVE YOUS!

LDswims said...

Those have got to be the five most amazing pounds ever. I say don't lose 'em. Just trade 'em for five others. :) A great souvenir, seems to me!

You know...I didn't know what the acronym FUPA stood for...but I know I have one. ALWAYS have. It's the danged FUPA that always made me think I was fat when I was a teenie-bopper. I don't have a scar from a tummy tuck but I have a major indent just above the FUPA that always made the FUPA look ginormous. I'd get mine lipo'ed in a heart beat...after we have kids...I HATE IT! I have this small hope that maybe this time it will just go away on it's own (HAHA - funny, I know) but if it doesn't, I'll get it gone somehow!

Alexis said...

I heart you! I too gained four freaking pounds in three days. I don't even recall how all the food made it into my mouth and down into my tummy it's like I was in a comatose state the entire weekend and I woke up on Tuesday wondering where the hell I was and what I had done.

Kristin said...

Eh, sounds like water weight to me. It'll be gone before you know it.

Sherry said...

Between my husband, a baby and our dog, 'poop' is probably the MOST talked about subject in our home. No exaggeration. Who, when, how much, what did it look like...

As for the 'types' of poop? My husband has coined some awesome ones himself: The Wall-Pusher, The Alligator Turd (because its like wrestling an alligator to get it out), The Bowl Buster, The Wallpaper Peeler, The One That Smells Like Satan's Taint...and that's just the tip of the turdy iceberg...

Dirttrackdiva said...

note to self.....
self,
please don't read draz's blog whilst eating. :)
my hubby is a wicked pooper too. i think it's a guy thing.

Cindylew said...

Most of hubby and my "poop talk" is regarding dog's poop...did Spike poop before work...was it a "good" one...how many poops for the day for Spike...did he hit his 3-4 poop minimum???
We're sick individuals...definitely have issues.

Girl Bandit said...

too funny and why tyhe hell can't the man get a show???? He must be busting his little....rhymes with walls....

Genie @ Diet of 51 said...

I have a theory about male poop. They do think it's a present to the world because they've never gotten over their mothers lavishly praising them for it when they were three/four years old and finally becoming toilet trained.

GET OVER IT GUYS! Mom only said that because she was so tired of changing your diapers! Wise up!

I could only share this theory with you, Draz. And, Jenny. You can tell her, too.

Sooze said...

Oh goodness dear - I do have to say I really love reading your blog - Between all the new vocab (love "vagizzle" - FUPA is a common household term already) and the poop talk, I feel right at home!