Monday, June 7, 2010

Drunk on love in fishnet stockings....

Sooooo the time has come for me to elaborate on my Victoria Secret fashion show night. I’m sure all of you have soap opera montages and romantic music and glistening skin in your heads – WELL SNAP OUT OF IT!! This is real life – I got fat rolls and issues and a time deadline before the kids get home. Now let’s get on with it.

Okay – so I successfully shipped the kiddos off to the sitter’s house (obviously) and the hubby went to go get pizza about 20 minutes away. That meant I had 20 good solid minutes to prepare myself. I kid you not – he called AFTER he got the pizza to tell me he was on his way home to be sure I was indeed ready. Can you spell anxious and excited? The man was almost too giddy to talk – I should not have let him drive.

And yes – all you food maniacs out there – you can bet your happy asses I told him explicity that BEFORE any fun would be taking place I would eating said pizza he went to go get. And you think you’re addicted to food? Um, I bet not like Draz is.

So he’s gone for those 20 minutes. I’m getting ready. Of course, I wait until the last second to get dressed. Oh and yes, I bought fishnet thigh highs and prayed to God no one at Walmart would see them in my cart cuz yah – fishnet thigh highs aren’t something a lot of us around here just go around wearing on a daily basis. Halloween maybe. Every day – not so much.

So yah – I’m sitting on the couch all dressed now and the last thing I have to do is hook the fishnets to the lingerie.

MY GOD IN HEAVEN.

Have any of you ever used those? I thought they snapped. They do not. I pulled on one little plastic tab so hard it broke. I nearly sat there and cried. $50 on a piece of lingerie and now I broke it. Apparently the Godforsaken things slide….ugh…..I was so pissed and hot from trying so hard I nearly said the hell with it.

So then I’m done and I decide to pace around the house – never mind that the curtains on my huge bay window are open. I don’t give a damn. If my neighbors dare look in my window on a night like tonight well then they deserve what they get and I’m sure I’ll never have to worry about them trying to look in again.

He gets home – and Jesus – you’d think I was 10. I stand at the top of the steps and peek my head around – like this man hasn’t seen me in every shape and form and yet I don’t come out. I hide for a moment. I wanted to scream and run but I channeled my inner Mama Pimp and came out and stood there….and died on the inside.

Let’s just say he nearly dropped the pizza. Me – on the other hand – I was all over that. No way was he dropping that. And yup – we sat and ate our pizza – at our little table with my ass sticking to the damn chair all sanitary like and my boobs spilling out onto the table. I’m pretty sure my husband could have been eating dog poop and he wouldn’t have noticed. I had to smack him about 50 times and peel him off of me but I ate dammit.

After that - well all I have to say is if you’ve never had dessert with fish net stockings on – you should try it. I know – dumb little piece of material but I’m telling you…there’s something fun and powerful about it….even if you can’t get them *&%#!@ hooky-thingys on them right. It’s obvious some man invented them.

And just so you don’t think this all went off without a hitch and it was a scene perfect for a movie….I will tell you this. My kids came home the next morning….with the sitters who had them…nicest people on Earth, non-drinkers, non-swearers, never talk bad about anyone…etc.

After the activities last night I went to bed and I had barely gotten out of bed that morning before they came in the living room. Which is also when I realized that fishnet stocking #1 was ON the couch and fishnet stocking #2 was on the floor and Victoria’s non-secret was on the chair.

Holy shit a brick. Why does this crap happen to me? I felt like there was a neon sign above me flashing and pointing saying, “Resident porn whore at your service…fishnet stockings extra!”

I non-chalantly kicked the stocking on the floor under the couch and very quickly covered one with a blanket and then I sat on the non-secret.

Can you imagine if I had drank like some of you suggested? I bet they would have found ME on the floor – naked – sleeping in the pink striped Victoria Secret’s bag covered in pizza and the cats would have been wearing the fishnet stockings. My husband would have been dangling from the ceiling fan by them effing hooky thingys I swear.

Yup – it’s a damn good thing I don’t drink. I barely pulled this night off and I was completely sober….unless you count being drunk on love.

Gag right? Oh give me a break – I had to throw something romantic in here to prove I’m not a complete slut.  It totally worked, right?


33 comments:

MandaPanda said...

This was funniest post I've ever read - aside from maybe Amy's turkey ones! Married romance!! Ain't it grand?

Jennifer said...

I am smiling from ear to ear! I told ya you were TO DIE FOR in that! Glad yer hubby agreed.

Pamela E. Williams said...

HI-Larious!! Only you Draz. But you know this is the stuff sitcoms are made of. Maybe me and Tess can write that up for ya. Or maybe I can write, direct & produce and Tess can play you (since she's the actress and all).

All and all love & pizza rule out. You did it!! You should be proud!

Gilly said...

Tramp! You are a Pizza Whore! I knew it!

(and my word verification is MUNCHOR!!!! I SWEAR TO JEEBUS!!)

Alexis said...

Love it.

McKayla said...

lol

Way to go you lil hooker!! (and I mean that with much love)

When I grow up I want to be like you. Fishnets and all!

Girl Bandit said...

You are so damn funny!!!! I bet it was a great night!!! Still laughing.....

Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

LMAO, this is totally one of those posts I would be reading out loud to The Husband if he was here. Just be glad the kiddos weren't around to walk in on you... that's what would happen to me with my luck.

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

Gotta love those neighbors. Being so helpful and all. Bless their hearts.

You are totally awesome. I think your husband wants to worship the ground you walk on. Turn around quickly and I bet you'll find him at it.

Nora said...

I love this. So funny. Thank goodness for real life - because Hollywood would have us believing such evenings go down effortlessly and seamlessly. So great how much the hubby wanted you too - nice work, hot stuff!

River said...

I found out about the stupidity of those hook thingy in a smilar story myself there I say I wish those things were never invented!

Ah the true love and pizza and getting caught in the morning. Lovely ♥

Sandy Lee said...

Poor little girl not being taught how to use those hooky things. We used to wear girdles with them attached way before pantyhose. You are just too young. Give us grannies a call and you could have saved your hooks. I was thinking about you and your Friday night special when the song Rude Boy by Rihanna came on the radio and I thought maybe you should either be singing that when hubs came home. And reading between the lines, it seems that the pizza calories were burned. Is hubs still smiling?

Joey said...

sounds magical - and by magical I mean naughty. Good for you!!!

Miss S. said...

I love how you were shy until you had to save the pizza. And then made him sit there and eat it while staring at you. I really needed to laugh today. Thanks.

Sherry said...

I think I saw this same thing play out in an episode of "Friends". No? I am sure you were smokin' hot and husbands all over the universe are jealous!

Cindylew said...

So what did you get on your pizza???

Stephanie said...

Sounds totally pornariffic!! Glad you had a good time and from the different locations of said clothing, was a stiptease involved? ;)

Jenny said...

You kill me! I'm glad that the purchase was worth it!!

Carmen said...

you go on with your ho bag self!! 2 thumbs up for eating pizza and "dessert" in fishnets and lingerie! :-)

Angela Pea said...

Yeah! Sounds like it went perfectly! Nothing like an evening sans offspring for indulgence in WMS and pizza. (WMS = Wild Monkey Sex.)

Genie @ Diet of 51 said...

Wow!! Hot stuff!! The old pizza delivery man fantasy.... Got it!

Band-Babe said...

Memories to last a lifetime! Good for YOU (and Victoria!).

Liz - Lizzle - Libby Lou said...

Sounds PERFECTO to me!!! :D I was completely engaged and amused by your story!

Pie said...

This is amazing! I had a mini-anxiety attack just thinking about pulling this off! I'm glad your inner Mama Pimp prevailed, it sounded like you both had an amazing night!

I'm 28 and I've never bought fancy lingerie. I've bought some cheap Target stuff, but I've never splurged. I just got a little giddy!

Now about that pizza, mmm...

Bella said...

LMAO! So Victoria's secret is not so secret anymore? ;P

Ms. Chunky Chick said...

Ha HA Drazil your insane! Love it!

beautifulinsideandout said...

Here's the trick... next time, get your hubby to help you with those hook things, at least the ones at the beack that you have to twist for... they don't mind helping, I swear ;)

Sounds like you had a fantastic time - and by my books - a fantastic time is only such when there is a slight bit of embarrassment involved... lol

Corletta said...

I love that you love your hubbie!!! That is the best part about your funny 'get it on' posts!!! Love it! Thanks, as always, for the laugh!

Vaia said...

I love this post!! Glad you had fun! And got to eat your pizza - I would have done the exact same thing.

Miss Vickie "The Queen Bee" said...

Sounds like the perfect night! I can't wait to lose enough weight to be able to but lingerie like that!

Butterfly/Amy said...

Sounds naughty and fun. lol

Meli said...

awwww!!! what a cute story! Its great that you can still make your husband so nuts. It made me think of my husband. They're just so darn cute when they're like that. lol.

DB said...

You hubby is one lucky man!!!