Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Ears and *the kitty*....oh and wedgies too.

Soooooo….grab a glass of water, get in a comfy chair, put your feet up. It’s story time. Our topic of discussion today will be…..ears.

Why the long face? Disappointed?

Calm down…I’ll get to the whootananny in a second.

First – ears. I’m not freaking kidding about this. I have been awake for nearly 3 hours and my ear is STILL sore. You have all heard me whine before about how when I lose weight the first place I lose it in is my fingers. Which is just dumb. Dumb with a capital D.

Wanna know the second place I lose weight? My ears. This is beyond dumb. It’s just God’s way of playing with me. “Here Draz…let your ass still jiggle and your thighs rub together but duh-am your ears are slim and sexy.” I slept on my side last night – to be awakened numerous times because my ear bone is so prevalent now that it hurts to sleep on my side. Do you think I’m making this crap up? Seriously – why would I? It’s ridiculous.

Alright – alright – on to what you came here for. Last week Mrs. Fatass over at Did I Eat That Out Loud swore up and down that she has solved the bikini razor burn issue on your “kitty”. She even posted pictures of herself naked. Well she was naked – but wrapped in a towel. She demo-ed the products she used and gave a great how-to on the whole situation. I read the whole thing. I rolled my eyes. I told her to eff off – that she was a liar. Well okay maybe not but I secretly wanted to. Then I issued a challenge – if it worked, I’d publicly apologize. If it didn’t – she had to do a BYOC. Well son of a bitch….guess who will be doing a public apology? It ain’t Sheniqua I’ll tell you that.

Mrs. Fatass said the key to no razor burn – which I HATE – was to use a scrubber and exfoliate the shit out of your kitty area. I asked if a brillo pad would work and she said no. So I went to Walmart. (Yah, I’m a high end shopper.) I have the husband with me and I say, “Mrs. Fatass says I can get rid of razor burn “down there” if I exfoliate like a mad woman. Oh and Mrs. Fatass is a blogger friend.”

You know what he says? He says, “Why in the hell is it okay for you to call a woman a fatass? If I did that my balls would get chopped off!!”

I told him he was missing the point. Focus on the smooth kitty. That’s the priority here. Ignore the fatass.

So together we shop for a proper scrubber. I felt like Goldilocks. This one is too soft. This one is too hard. This one is just right. And only $3.

I get home and prepare the scene. Let me just say right now ever since I’ve become obsessed with a smooth kitty I pretty much have the lovely razor burn along the sides where my legs bend all the time. It’s annoying and ugly.


I got in there and I scrubbed. And I scrubbed. You’d think I was trying to get rid of crabs with the violent nature of my scrubbing. I was only thinking in my head if I tell Mrs. Fatass it didn’t work she’s going to say “you didn’t scrub hard enough” so I made damn sure I scrubbed until I bled. Okay – not that hard but still. I had so much lather and soap built up down there I couldn’t even see what I was doing….but I scrubbed.

I washed off the lather and soap. Angels sang. The heavens opened up. Nothing but smooth skin remained. I nearly shart myself in the tub. I even made the husband come in and look at the miracle. Holy shit – you guys – in all seriousness….I was shocked. A few minutes of scrubbing and it was gone. I haven’t seen it since.

All weekend I wore bikinis and dresses and no underwear and every chance I got I was checking out the kitty….I was so sure the bumps and redness would reappear. They did not. If I was a pervert I’d stalk myself. I’m in love with my own vagina. Who knew that could happen? Who knew I’d ever be able to just see it when looking down without lifting skin? Vagina-land is so freaking cool.

And then reality kicked in. OMG – I have to tell Mrs. Fatass she was right. I have to publicly apologize. And I will…..tomorrow.

After all I never told her when I would do it – I just said I would.

Also – I’m having a skinny day and would like to proclaim that to the world. A girl here said, “Your scale at home has got to be broken – you look so freaking tiny.” I dry humped her leg and tried to make out with her but she called HR on me….something about sexual harassment policies or something.

Another guy here stopped and said, “You’re all dressed up today”. Um – I have on a cotton dress with 3 inch heels. This is not dressed up but whatever….I batted my eyelashes properly and said, “Oh am I?” Men are such toys. I could be wearing overalls covered in shit but if I had on 3 inch heels everything would be alright in their tiny little mind. I wanted to scream “Dude – can you go away? I’ve got a wedgie that is so far my my ass I may never get it out but I need to try!”

They’re the cutest lace underwear ever – if they weren’t up my ass. A girl can’t win. No razor burn – and the payoff is an all day wedgie-fest.

Beauty ain’t easy.

Now excuse me while I go pet the kitty. 

Oh I crack myself up. 

Be well, my friends,
~ Draz


-Grace- said...

Once again, you have cracked me up! I need to try this exfoliating method--I hate the razor burn.

Ice Queen said...

This time of day, it is coffee. Not water. But I have read and learned, Oh Wise Kitty Scrubber. And now, I know the secrets.

I feel as if I should lay gold at your dainty, three inch heel clad feet, or something. :D ^^

Oh! Could you please, pretty please post a link to Mrs. Fatass's blog. I am sure that you already have, but I am too lazy/stupid to go looking for it. I need to go get another cup of coffee, instead.

Corletta said...

So it appears that everyone cracks up at your posts. I tell ya....I wish my summer reading, back in the day, was this interesting :) Happy Tuesday mama!

Stephanie said...

Can you show us a picture...of the scrubby thing you used and let us know where you got it?

I'm sure you thought I was going to be all pervy and ask for a photo of the kitty!

LDswims said...

I'm still working myself up to getting back to hairless. Got my MSP and a card and everything set...wanna try tonight...I guess I was hoping the MSP would avoid the bumps....

Too funny! And yeah...what kind of scrubber did you end up with? pics?

Jenny said...

I will be trying this!

Roxie said...

Ok, I'm buying a scrubber tonight. Case settled!

Alison C said...

I have to ask...do you go to the gyne with the smooth kitty??? I think she'd be asking me if I got a new "profession" if I showed up like that. Plus, I can't imagine the visual she would have of a chubby girl w/smooth kitty. She might just yak all over the room!

Oh yes - PLEASE post a pic of said kitty scrubber. :-) Thanks!

amandakiska said...

You are a HOOT!

Nella said...

Priceless! I so look forward to your posts!
I love to exfoliate...I even weigh myself afterwards!

Keep on rockin sista!

Maybe This Time said...

freakin hilarious!!! luv luv luv your blog! will be back for more!

V said...

i'm w/stephanie....we need a pic of your tool!

Leslie said...

You are the Kathy Griffin of the blogosphere! Just hilarious - from ears to ahem, felines? Very funny stuff, and am glad that you're please with the results.

Thanks, Draz, for your kind comment yesterday - it means a lot to me. I'm in a weird place that I hope translates to me finally getting some of the f-ing weight off. Finding one's truth and then owning it sucks at times. But the alternative was sucking more, so here I am. I really appreciate your kindness and hope you keep reading!

And you, my friend, need to write a book!

Jess said...

Well Leslie stole my comment! That's exactly what I was I was gonna say. You should write a book cuz you are funny as hell.

MrsFatss said...

Told ya.

1reign said...

You had me at "see it when looking down without lifting skin". Is there such a place? I'm sure my kitty would just welcome being free from the shroud of darkness that is my panni.Once again you have made me laugh out loud not the fake LOL but literally so that everyone is like "wtf".

Cindylew said...

Cracked me up as usual...I've got nothing else but didn't want you wondering..."now where's that Cindylew Who...I miss it when she neglects to write."
Love ya.

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

Whoowee. You're amazing.


Thank you for enlightening me. <3

Sandy Lee said...

Now I have to make a public apology. We would NEVER unfollow our sweet little Drazil bacause then it would be a dark, dull world. How else would we get some fun in our lives and also learn some valuable life lessons, like getting a smooth OOOOOO. You have my deepest apologies for ever making you ticked off with me. Please Don't Leave Me (the song I have for my ringtone- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9zUMx-FG5FE.

And please forgive my crazy words. (did I sound sincere enough?) And if you pet it too much you might go blind-oh whoops-that's for guys. Luv and kisses. I will have to comment now on every one of your posts.

Band Groupie said...

Holy CRAP!! I have the same ear problem...I thought I was the only one, or that my ears are deformed...bought those expensive memory foam pillows...your head sink in and then the foam feels like a rock under your ear...that lasted one night! Le me know if you find a solution as I like my sleep!

Isn't there a book a used to read my kids 'pat the cat' or 'kitty' or maybe it was a 'bunny'...OK, just pat it!