Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Everyone needs a penis stick....

Soohohoho……I’d like to introduce myself.


Hi. My name is Get the f*ck out of my way or I’ll mow you down without an ounce of guilt or regret.

Happy Wednesday. Yah sure.

Today I wondered out of farting gumdrops and pooping daisies in Care Bear Land into the Land of who the f*ck cares and does someone have a scissors so I can cut these muffin tops off?

I
Am
Crabby.

And I ain’t kidding. Fine. I’ll admit it. Aunt Flo is knocking on my door and I’m using it as an excuse…which I hate. I’ve never ever been a woman to blame my moods or feelings too much on AF. Let’s face it – when I was overweight I felt like crap every day so I never noticed when/if AF was coming because in general I felt like crap anyway. Now that I am healthier and thinner I feel it all. Ever since my tummy tuck I am even super sensitive to ovulation for cripe’s sake. I never had bloating issues when I was fatter – um cuz it’s pretty hard to tell if you’re bloated when you are 226 pounds. I was a bloat. But now when my stomach is flat thanks to surgery – if I’m bloated – I don’t just look bloated. I look like a heifer about to calf.

Okay – yes – I am exaggerating. But let me have my day – my fat day. Today is a “let’s see how many flaws we can find in the mirror day”. Today is “let’s see how irrational my crazy mind can get in making up new flaws that don’t exist day.” Today is “crazy Draz should have stayed in bed day.”

I put a dress on this morning. Two words. Stuffed sausage. There ain't a pair of Spanx in this universe that could make me walk out of my house wearing that dress.

I tried on 4 pairs of shorts – not one buttoned. I picked up the fifth pair and decided to stupidly read the tag. Size 6. I laughed out loud in my closet. Who the f*ck put these in here? Are these even mine? Am I in a midget’s closet cuz these won’t go past my cankles? SIX – that’s a number of burgers I can eat in one sitting – not a number I can put on my body this day.

Did I seriously fit into these clothes just last summer? Who am I kidding? I nearly stood there and cried. I have muffin tops the size of Miss Piggy’s ass today. Even my ears look fat…and trust me…yesterday I had skinny ears.

I guess it’s not all bad. I have 16 miles in already and it’s only the 9th. I’ve worked out 6 of the past 8 days. I’d rather pour gasoline in my eyes than work out tonight but I will try.

Oh and just so I don’t forget that the world has a sense of humor – I ate a fortune cookie this morning and the fortune read:

“Rarely do great beauty and great virtue dwell together as they do in you.”

Really – have you seen my chubby white caboose? I got enough dimples in my ass that people mistake it for the Grand Canyon - which would be completely fine if I could just charge admission.

That fortune would be all perfect and Winnie-the-Pooh-ish if I knew what the hell virtue meant AND if could use the word beauty and me in the same sentence without throwing up in my mouth.

Today is not a day for fortunes. It is a day for saying f*ck way too many times. It is a day to hit people with large sticks and laugh at them when they start to cry. It is a day to feel and look like a leper. (We’ve been over this – I said I was going to exaggerate.)

I swear to God if anyone comes near from the card carrying penis club I will rip said pecker off and beat them over the head with it. Everyone needs a penis stick right?

Tomorrow good ‘ol blow rainbows up your ass Draz might be back and we can all once again feel a sense of peace and calm. Until then – there’s only one good way to end this post without saying the word f*ck again…I’m really trying here…but it’s all I got.

Word.


27 comments:

Juli's Journey said...

You are funny. I LOVE the attitude. I am following you now because I KNOW your blog is just what I need to keep me going. Thanks for your humor. I look forward to reading more from you.

Miss Vickie "The Queen Bee" said...

Oh dear God! You are hysterical!!!! I always enjoy a morning chuckle because of you!

Stephanie said...

At least you keep your sense of humor. I bloat up like the Michelin Tire Man and become bitchier than my mom without her Prozac & martini cocktail. :)

Alexis said...

Word.

Sumer said...

We all have these days....go with it. F*ck everyone, F*ck everything. We are all entitled once in awhile. ;)

-Grace- said...

F*ck yes.


Word.

I can do this.....finally said...

Who knew I could f*cking laugh today????? I'm feeling the same way, ONLY I have noooo AF to blame! Just some random biatch in her bf's hopped up Ford pickup this morning that nearly took out my pretty white Escalade. Idiot, get off your f*cking phone and pay attention!

Oh that and I'm trying to go off my Pristiq............


Not pretty.

But thanks for the laughs! Of course you do know that I'm not laughing AT you. Right?

Hope your f*cking day gets better.

DB said...

That really F*cking sucks sweetie.

Nora said...

WORD.

Carmen said...

whew.
f AF she's a a big old "C" word
yes i do use the "c" word as well as the "t" word but i won't here to avoid offending anyone :D

MrsFatass said...

You totally stole my punch line. My whole comment was going to be comprised of just the word WORD. What the eff dude. Now you just blew MY day.

Jenny said...

AF time sucks!!

Leslie said...

Excellent yuks. Thanks - I needed them.

Corletta said...

I never get tired of reading your blog. I swear, you have a way with words. I almost fell out of my chair reading the part about you realizing you were putting on a sz 6 pair of pants!!! Who am I kidding? I was laughing at most of this post!!! You crack me up! I, too, have preferred gasoline in the eyes rather than the gym, at times!!! p.s. When's the big reveal comin?

Kristen said...

Skinny ears :0) Only you ..only you..

Miss Tori said...

Beating them over the head with their own penis assumes it's long enough to do, but most likely, it'll be more along the lines of holding it in your hand and gazing hypnotically at a little viena sausage.

Word.

Band-Babe said...

I need a penis stick. Or a f*ck. :)

Anyway, thanks for your comments yesterday. I love you!

Hope you have a better day tomorrow...

Jennifer said...

WORD!

Cindylew said...

What a f*cking b*tch...LOL...just kidding twinkle toes.

Miss S. said...

I love you. I am selling my house and moving in next door to you.

Sandy Lee said...

I think you need to go see Stephanie. She has these wonderful Fiber Plus bars that you should try. The farts will scare everyone away and maybe a few gumdrops with fly out and put out someone's eye. But as Jess says, we all need a Who-gives-a-frack-day!

Girl Bandit said...

Penis stick. Word!!! You are too funny ...I WILL give you your fat day because even the tiny are entitled to that but go and have a look in a real mirror tomorrow would you???? I think you will see what we see...skinny!!! Hope hubby stick has his pecker tomorrow let alone exploding man

Bella said...

Word to yo Mama!

Vaia said...

I think you pretty much summed up what most women feel like once a month for 4 days. Brilliant!

Fiona said...

No AF in sight for me and I am having a "fat" day. Even though most of my days are still fat days. Why are women so complicated?
Hope you are back to your usual gumdrop farting self soon honey x

Dirttrackdiva said...

does anyone else thing that everyone needs a penis stick sounds like a lady gaga song? :D

Liz - Lizzle - Libby Lou said...

Word!