Monday, June 21, 2010

F*ck Your Day....

Ah Father’s Day. For once my husband didn’t have to work and for the life of me I cannot tell you how many times the words *It’s my day* came out of that man’s mouth.

And every time he said it, my response was, “F*ck your day.”

Now before you start poking me with sticks….hear me out. Mother’s Day usually sucks ass for me. Like dirty smell rotten ass. My husband usually works. There are no spas, pedicures or breakfasts in bed. There is no sleeping in. It’s just another day except for some reason my girls know it’s MY day and they turn into devils. Like seriously carrying around tiny pitchforks and sporting horns devils. They act like heathens – unlike I’ve ever seen…..and only because it’s Mother’s Day.

By the time my husband gets home that day I have my bags packed and divorce papers ready and I’ve contacted my online boyfriend Julio and arranged for a 6pm pickup time.

Soooo yesterday he got HIS day.

Sleep in? Um nope….6am….two little girls excited their Daddy is home jumped into bed right on his nads. Great way to start Father’s Day. I shoo them out about 50 more times before we finally get up at 9am because cartoons just aren’t babysitting them any longer.

Breakfast in bed? Um nope. I made bacon and you can bet your sweet ass I made him help me cook the hashbrowns. I had peanut butter sandwiches on MY day and I even got to clean up after myself. He should be happy he gets meat.

And all during this the girls are dying – like we have starved them for 5 weeks before today. We tell them we’re having eggs, bacon, hashbrowns, and toast. Can you imagine what kids in Ethiopia would do for a meal like that? Not mine. They want ice cream and Kool-aid. They pick today to suddenly start hating breakfast food. Great. Here’s an ice cream sandwich. Now go away because I have to figure out what to do with the shitloads of food I cooked for our lovely family breakfast.

For the rest of the day my sweet little angels fought, whined, cried, stomped their feet, and threw fits that would rival the best 1 year old. I’m not kidding.

Once the 4 year old heard the 9 year old say she had to go potty. The 4 yr old then commenced to race into the bathroom to “beat her” to the toilet. (yah, that’s a race I’d want to win). She then sat on said toilet and just sat there….doing nothing. The 9 year old stands over her yelling, “You’re not even peeing!” This goes on for about 5 minutes. Husband finally goes in and tells the 9 year old to go use her (might I had HUGE and all to herself like a princess) bathroom downstairs. 9 year old starts crying and yells “Maybe I don’t like my bathroom and maybe I don’t want to go down there” stomping like an elephant the whole way. The 4 year old never peed – and promptly got off the toilet. I guess she won that battle.

Imagine again what a kid in Ethiopia would do with a bathroom the size of Tahiti….or hey…just a toilet with running water? Yet today – in our house – my 9 year old is crying because we made her use said toilet and they have now successfully fought over toilet location and who gets there first. I never went in to either one – you know me and my toilet phobia.

The whole day was like that. Devils I tell you. Little gorgeous devils who turn it on and turn it off just like that. It’s enough to make you insane.

Especially when the world has dubbed it YOUR day.

So we went to bed that night and I turned and said, “Honey I’m sorry you had a bad day.” He said, “Yah, I’m sure you are.”

I said, “You don’t think I made you have a bad day on purpose do you? How could you think that of me?”

He said, “Well it is a little suspect in that every time I tried to remind you it was my day you replied with “F*ck your day”.

Oh shit – that kinda was a dead giveaway wasn’t it. Well hell. The day you try to push two huge watermelons out of your tiny little nostrils and feel just a little of the pain I did during childbirth is the moment you might get a day just for YOU. Don’t call me until then.

You’re lucky I didn’t make you do dishes….cuz dude…that’s just one more thing I got to do on MY day.

And you’d be smart to kindly ignore all those Dads posting things on their Facebook like “Oh my wife and kids made me breakfast in bed because it’s MY day.” Or “Oh my wife and kids bought me a Harley Davidson and let me go riding all day on MY day.” Or “I slept in until noon on MY day.”

First off – they lie. Second – I bet they don’t even have kids.  Third - if his wife bought him a Harley it's cuz she maxed out the credit card on Coach purses just the day before.

If it makes you feel better just comment back to those guys and just simply say, “F*ck your day.”

I guarantee you’ll feel better....I did anyway.

17 comments:

Jacquie said...

You just tell him how much worse his "Day" could have been! I made my husband "volunteer" at a Seafood Festival and he hates Seafood and had to smell it for 4 hours! Men! Can't live with them and you can't shoot'm!

♥ Kenz ♥ said...

Wow....sounds like it's a good thing that "his day" is over...at least for another year. I certainly hope birthdays are better for both of you! :)

Pamela E. Williams said...

I'm still laughing because the 4 year old won. I bet they fight over seats in the car too. Your hubby had such a wonderful Father's Day. Something to look forward to next year.

karen said...

TOUCHE

Carmen said...

oh and i love the new layout! :-)

Carmen said...

wtf where did my other comment go? well it said something like "lol lovely!"

Kristin said...

My kids can fight over anything too. It's crazy-making. I like to think they're learning life skills while I rock by myself in a corner.

1reign said...

This is hilarious and I agree whole heartedly!

Ice Queen said...

Ha! My husband didn't get to lie around, nap and snore and watch baseball and westerns all day, yesterday, (like he was planning) either. lol

Ice Queen said...

Oh...

And he didn't get breakfast meats, either! ^^

Jenny said...

Seriously! According to my DH every day is Mothers day and my birthday and Christmas!

Thank god he opens jars for me or there would be no reason to keep him!! LOL

Sherry said...

Yup. Sing it sister.

Flabby McGee said...

I can't stop laughing. I dont' think I can even come up with the words to say how funny that was. That was the greatest tell it like it REALLY is post that I've ever seen!!!!

Angela Pea said...

LOL! That's sort of how it works at our house too. Mother's Day - I cook my own dinner, wash the dishes, and buy myself a card and flowers. (Actually, a total stranger took pity on me this year and paid for my Mother's Day Flowers!)

Father's Day, I TRY to be mean, but I just can't. Wish I had your gumption! Instead, I catered to his whims and reminded the kids to make him a card. *sigh* And to think it's been this for what, nineteen years since our oldest was born?

Nella said...

Have you ever thought of "writing a book?" in your spare time? The words just flow and seem so in such an efforless way!

Jess said...

haha I really laughed at this one. But I say F*ck your Day every day so I would laugh my azz off! You're just a bitchy little firecracker and I LOVE IT! Smooches! :)

Diz said...

LOLOLOLOLOL.

LOVE YOU.