Tuesday, June 22, 2010

I do not belong....

Sometimes – well most times – I just don’t understand families. I don’t understand how siblings come from the same DNA and the same parents yet we are so different. If I wasn’t a sibling to my brothers and sister, I wonder would I choose them as a friend in my life? Or would they be an acquaintance? Because there is blood, there is an unwritten rule I must love. And I do. But it doesn’t mean I understand it.

We had a family meal at my parent’s house last night. It was good. Really fine. But as I left later all I felt was alone. I do not belong there. I don’t belong with them. I am different. I always have been. Since my choices make me ultimately different than them, I judge myself by different standards than them. I am looked at different…not on purpose…but still I feel it.


I am the only one with kids…..which brings a whole lot of judgement from 3 people who have none but think they can even remotely know how it feels.

Until just recently, I was the only one with a mortgage. I’ve had a mortgage for 14 years. One of my brothers has one for just over a year now.

I am the only one who has owned numerous cars at a time and paid for them all with no help from my parents.

I am the only one who owns such things as lawn mowers, washers and dryers, furniture to fill a house, a utility trailer, a snow blower, a furnace, a motorcycle….or just simple things like a full set of silverware and pans.

I am the only one who has to upkeep and maintain the items above.

I am the only one who is married.

I am the only one who works full time with 2 part time jobs and a husband who does the same.

I am the only one who has never borrowed a singly penny from my parents.

I am the only one that never lived with a person of the opposite sex…until I married him.

I am the only one without a single college loan even though I too went and graduated with a 4.0.

I am the only one who has never been drunk.

I am the only one who has never flown.

I am the only one who doesn’t give a damn if my suit doesn’t say Armani.

I am the only one who opened their house up to our parents when they had nowhere else to go.

I am the only one who has to watch our parents have nothing to do with my kids.

I am the only one who has to watch my parents judge my husband.

I am the only one who doesn’t get a special get together when I visit because I live in the same town as my parents.

I am the only one who gets lectures on not attending church.

I am the only one with a credit score that I am proud of.

I am the only one who can get a loan with no questions asked.

I am the only one who has never been late on a payment for anything – ever.

I am the only one who worries about medical care for someone other than myself….I am only one of two who even carries insurance.

I am the one who survived a debilitating depression – so they could all learn to go get meds for themselves.

I am the only one who doesn’t take my parents for granted or think they should buy me things just because I am their daughter.

They are all single, some have relationships…none have even been close to marriage. My brothers sleep with quite a few women because they are hands down hot. They all do what they want, when they want – consequences aren’t something they care about. Daycare isn’t a word on their radar. They finish college or they don’t – they do it in 4 years or drag it out for 7. They need my signature or my parents to even own a vehicle…and then usually they need help with the payments. When they need a job, they get a resume from me. They keep jobs or they don’t – but they are never happy where they are. They move around and leave bills behind them. They never worry about a fever or a flu. They have never been up all night with a baby. They have never had to fight to save a marriage. They have never even had to mow their own grass. They don’t have grass.  The stress and struggle of running a household and a family is so overwhelming sometimes...and I can't commiserate with them about it...I cannot make them understand the weight I carry. 

Just once I wish I could....so they could see....and maybe judge me less from their pedestals. 

We are different. I am not better than them, they are not better than me. How I live is not the right way, nor is it the wrong way. How they live is not right or wrong either. It just is.

But the fact remains that in that group where I’m supposed to feel at home and feel comfortable…instead makes me feel like an outsider. It’s hard to not feel left out and different in a not so good way.

I’m not sad about this…it’s just something I’m observing as I live my life.

Everyone just wants to feel like they belong somewhere, don’t they? Where do you belong?

Be well, my friends.


Veronica said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Veronica said...

i'm new to blogging....but i love you already!

i think your feelings are shared by MANY people. i'm an adopted middle child that has very similar issues w/my 1 sibling related by birth. very sad. very true.

nine days til i'm banded!

Carmen said...

i have NEVER known where i belong
i always feel like i am the other side of the glass looking in on the people with the better life, the people who have their shit together


Jess said...

I understand this too. I am the oldest child out of 10 kids and I was the only one raised by my grandparents. I didn't start seeing my siblings until I was 16 so I was definitely the outsider and even after 8 years I still am in many ways. I don't feel that I belong and I don't have the same stories to share and to top it off it's kinda hard for me to be a sister because I was raised as an only child so I am more selfish and secluded than they are. It's tough because they all look up to me and I really don't know what I am doing.

Katie J said...

I was adopted like Veronica so it is a little different for us because we DON'T share the same DNA.

It is the old nature vs. nurture or lack thereof in many cases.

Anonymous said...

Oh Girl....I feel your pain. Sounds like you are probably the first born...the "overachiever" who clearly just wants a better life. Good for you for 1)being who you are and 2)for not judging them (though I know it's hard sometimes). Life is tough...you have made great choices regarding your values.....they seem to have different values than you. Thank goodness for a family of bloggers who seem to be more on the "same page".

Pamela E. Williams said...

Wow!! I had to take a deep breath and sigh with this one.

I think it probably helped to get this out (just a little). I do understand your frustration with this. I used to always say that I was the alien from another planet in my family and in this world. I just look at things differently sometimes. My experiences are different from my siblings (especially the not living with anyone).

I know I don't have to tell you this, but Draz, you have a special place in which you belong. You have to find that and marvel in it as we do. It may not feel good from a blood related family stand point, but there are people non related that think you are a wiz.

Now breathe....WOOSA!!

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

I think every family feels this way. If they don't, then maybe they are a little too close and need to get out a bit more.

I think this goes away when families are confronted by the strange world, and they step a bit more in unison to make a wall shutting it out.

Feeling different is a given. Belonging. Well, I feel like it's a personal choice.

LauraLynne said...

There are scant few in my family that I consider my friend. I would die for every one of them - help them out every time they call - but, like you, I do NOT belong.
They do NOT understand me and don't take the time to get to know me. I reach out over and over again and still get nothing in return. But if they NEED something - I'm the first phone call.
It gets old. I often daydream about disconnecting completely from every one of them. i wonder if I would even miss them. I hope I would. But...

Dazee Dreamer said...

oh my. I thought for sure I had written this post.

I am the "lone one" in my family too. But I have just decided I could give a rats ass about "my family" anymore. I'm tired of all the behind the back talking. I'm tired of the not accepting my husband either. So I have just decided that I will go to family functions, WHEN IT SUITS ME. Not every time they have one. Which is alot. It's not worth going home and feeling like crap.

You belong where you are, and you have friends in the blog world, that love to read your words. like me.

Pie said...

This was a very interesting read! This might be common knowledge to your long term readers (and maybe you mentioned it above and I completely missed it) but are you the oldest? Either way, while you may not "belong" around your family, you're certainly an amazing and productive member of the human race! And a true star in this little family we have here on the ol' internets. So that counts for something!

Fiona said...

all I can say is love you sweetie x

River said...

4.0! and all the rest of that list I have to say CONGRATS! :) Cos you have a real life, a wonderful life with beautiful kids.

I never wanted siblings. My parents asked may be 5 times. I always said NO I don't want any. Partly because I would be jealous. But most of it I have eyes and ears and I don't care for my parents' siblings and all that crap.

But I do belong with my family. We may fight everyday but they saved my ass a couple of times which became the point we became a real family and we became closer. I don't know how it would be if it weren't just the three of us.

*hugs and lots of love*

Barbara said...

Please don't take this the wrong way. But you sound like the most grounded and normal one ... and why do you need to be a follower.. you are your own person, with your own principles and standards in life.

Your job is to set the standard for your children.. and it sounds like you are an excellent role model.. hugs to you Draz baby

Alexis said...

((hugs)). I love how in tune you are with your surroundings and your life. Some people just go through life aimlessly looking and searching, but you are so in tune and aware and reflective. I don't have an extremely close relationship with my family much either, but I'm certainly not going to say I know how you feel!

Just know what a wonderful example YOU are setting for YOUR children and providing them with the things (both physical and mental) that you may never have received.

Sandy Lee said...

I disagree with your point that you are no better than they are. You are the best and so much better. I am sure if you could actually read their minds that they are terribly jealous of you. You went through so much and came out the better on the other side. Maybe some tough love (on the loan co-signs) are in order to make them grow up too. And one day you will get on a plane-I love to travel-too bad it has to be by plane, but I get on and just go. Maybe at our next BOOBS meeting in alifornia or Florida or even OZ!

Cindylew said...

All I can say Draz is thank God for my DH because I feel pretty much the same as you when it comes to a feeling of belonging with my family...it's non-existant even while I can love them.
I'm adopted but really don't think that has anything to do with it. I often wonder if I had that sickness as a baby where the parent fails to properly bond with their child.

Butterfly/Amy said...

Draz, I love you. This blog has me going off on my own I don't belong train so I'll be posting another blog here soon. It's amazing how therapeutic it can be to read someone else's journey and reflect on your own. To know when you feel like an outsider, others who are "normal" feel that way too.

DB said...

hmmm? You're in my head again! I've pretty much felt like an outsider around my brothers all my life. It sucks big time; but you know what? I am slowly starting to realize that they are no better than me & I am important.