Saturday, June 5, 2010

Inner angst..

I'm not typically a weekend blogger cuz I think it's nice to give you guys a break from me since I post so much during the week but I feel the need today.  My soul needs to write....about nothing really.

1.  I just went for a run.  Stupid of me considering the heat index is nutso and the humidity is terrible.  Kind of dangerous even.  As I sit here and type I am dripping but I burned 562 cals in just 58 minutes so it was worth it.  Which brings me a question?  All my followers who run and walk outside - do you take water?  If yes - how do you carry it? Do you always take your phone?  Where do you put it?  I never take a phone and today I realized that was stupid as I thought I might pass out and wouldn't have any way of calling anyone.  Hey - I never claimed to be smart.

2.  I hate Facebook.  Okay fine - I take that back.  I don't hate it.  I hate the drama it sometimes brings between friends and family.  While I have gotten back in touch with people I truly missed and I have found family on my husband's side I didn't know existed - there are other things about Facebook I don't like and it's so ridiculous that I let it even bother me.  So juvenile.

3.  #2 brings me to this thought.  Sometimes family just sucks.  Really when it comes down to it sometimes it's hard for me to face the fact that there are few people in my life I really need and love - and that feel that way back about me.  And it makes me sad.  Because it makes me feel alone.  If I lost my husband or Jenny - in essence - I'd be alone.  And it makes me wonder - what in the world have I done with this life of mine to be in essence alone - how could I not have touched any more people's lives in a more real way than that?

4.  Which brings me to #4.  I am an accountant.  I love the work.  I excel at it.  I work at a wonderful place....I am paid well.  But it's not my passion.  I don't help anyone.  I don't give of myself every day except in conversations with my co-workers.  I don't change people's lives. And I want to.  I have to.  I have always had a feeling I was put here to do something bigger than me....I just don't have the balls to figure out what that is.  But I will.  Some day.

5.  Two years ago this week was one the best moments of my life and one of the worst...all within days of each other.  Looking back isn't fun.  It hurts.  Plain and simple.  It still hurts.  I got a tummy tuck which was good - until days later a flood took my parent's home and all their possessions and they moved in with me.  There really aren't words to explain how that day changed me so I won't try.  It's over.  Everyone is safe.  But I am different.

6.  Lingerie night went could it not?  Did I mention my husband has a penis?  LOL  I will have a full blog report Monday cuz I know your lives are just in suspense dying waiting for it. 

7.  I miss my BFF Jenny (Jen's Lab Band Journey).  I called her today and realized a week ago today I was packing to go see her.  When the Facebook issue happened today my only thought was, "I have to talk to Jenny."  I've never had that before in a girlfriend.  That feeling of knowing and wanting to talk to someone because she'll get it, she'll talk you down, she'll understand.  But then talking to her made me miss her.  Terribly.  I love you Jenny.  I wish everyone the peace that I feel in having a best friend like you.  No one should go through life without it.

8.  That is all.  Oh that and I love you my little turkey bones.


Tricia said...

I carry water for anything over 5 miles. Its WAY too hot and humid here not to. I use a Nathans Quickdraw which is a waterbottle with a pouch on it to hold things and a place to slip your hand it. For runs over 10 miles I go with a hydration belt.

Heres the link for the quickdraw:

Kristen said...

You are so lucky to have a BFF ...gosh I would love to have #7in my life..


and that's awesome that your hubby has a penis! :0) i'm super glad mine does too..

Jacquie said...

Thank you so much for all the support you have given me during my recent family tragedy. I hear you so much with the comments on family.

I have two "Jenny's" in my life but beyond that, I have acquaintences. If anything happened to them or my husband Steve, that would be seriously tragic...I don't even want to go there.

About the running with water and phone, I don't run at this point but I do bring my phone on walks along with a bottle of water. I would do the same if I was running.

Miss Vickie "The Queen Bee" said...

Always bring your phone. There are creepy people everywhere! I have a couple of very good friends. Generally, I might talk to them a couple of times a year but it always seems like it was just yesterday. I see the potential for lots more friends through these blogs.

Jen from Oregon said...

re: #4
you do help people and make a difference (you just aren't making a living at it) Via your blog what's a girl got to do to get you to follow them?

Stephanie said...

I think we all have the feeling sometimes of wondering if there was something more we could do in our lives for a career. I like my working with students at a university, but is it my life calling? No...I just don't have the guts to do what I really want to do (be a social worker or a teacher). I am afraid of failure and also part of me is just hesitant about seeing all the bad in the world in an attempt to help children. It doesn;t make sense, but one day we will all find our true calling. All I know is that you SHOULD be a writer or a motivational speaker, because you touch so many lives through your blog. :)

TracyZ said...

I always carry my water. I have one of those camelbak bottles with the little handle thing. My finger grips it and I run my ass off...literally.

And I never take my phone but now you've made me wonder if I should. What if something happened? What if I got hurt and needed help...or an ambulance even. I guess I always figured that someone would come by with a cell phone but what if they are all like me and never take one. What did people do before cell phones?!? :)

I also have this feeling that, while I do love my job, its not what I am meant to be doing. I have way too much heart to waste it on "work" but until I hit the lottery and can take the time off from work to figure out what it is I am meant to do, I am going to keep going to work. Maybe my calling will come one day while I am sitting in front of my computer at work reading blogs!! ;)

Ice Queen said...

Sometimes an extra post is a good thing. :D

I don't spend much time on Facebook. It is confusing and irritates me. I keep thinking I might just delete my membership, once and for all.

Url to my nail blog is: All of my nail natterings and pics are there, now. :D

My security word is hories. He he.

Bella said...

I only use Facebook for close friends and family for that exact reason... too much drama can come of seeing the little snippets of people's lives that are put into those three available lines.

I'm a bit like you on the friend front... my husband is also my bestie - nobody knows me as well as him, and i'd be devastated to lose him. Guess that's why i'm blogging... so many people that I don't even know in person that inspire and amaze me on a daily basis.

I'm glad you did a weekend post :)

Girl Bandit said...

MY BFF is coming over today and I so get you. You do make a difference to us....I am not a fan of facebook...I like my blogs. Sorry you got hurt ya!!!

Cindylew said...

Let me address these one at a time...
1. I'm a walker, not a runner and I carry neither a phone or water. I'm an arm swinger and I certainly wouldn't want to be carrying anything in my hands and the other concoctions are too cumbersome.
2.I don't get the whole Facebook thing. I think I opened an account when my hubby did so that I could read his posts. I might have written something twice and it was in response to something DH posted.
3.You could have been writing this about me and I can't believe that someone as fun loving and charming as you isn't a friends magnet. Me, I'm shy and have had BFF's through my life but I found once I moved (geographically for job reasons), it was too easy to let them slip away. I've always just assumed I was boring on top of being initially shy and that's why I didn't attract a large circle of friends. Now at 48, it seems pretty much like that ship has sailed. Thank God I found hubby a few years ago.
4. You read my blog on 5/27 on this very subject so you already know we're in that same boat.
5.I don't know what else to say other than I'm glad everyone is safe and I hope your "different" is a good "different".
6. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
7. I'm jealous of what you guys are blessed.
8. We love you too. I started typing "I love you too" but didn't want you to run from the room screaming.

Jennifer said...


Genie @ Diet of 51 said...

Hey, no fair, I'm the Queen of Inner Angst. You can't be everything!

As you advised me recently: blog it out. We all have insecurities and imperfect lives, some of us are just more honest about those facts.

Miss S. said...

I love all your posts-even though I don't get a chance to comment much.

Having a friend like Jenny makes life much sweeter. Mine is also a Jen. I don't know what I'd do without her.

Carmen said...

duh. you DO help people. all of us bloggers. personally you help me more than you know...many times throughout the day i find myself saying "WWDD?" or "WWDS?" what would drazil do or say? :-)
i can't wait for the blog about your lingerie adventures! i need to live vicariously through someone on the aspect!
ps what's a penis?

Sooze said...

I use a camelbak - Right now I'm not out running for over an hour but with the heat and humidity it just isn't safe without water. I'm also too clumsy to run and drink from a bottle simultaniously.

This also takes care of the where to keep stuff problem, it has some small pockets that I can keep my keys, ID, and whatnot - and best of all my hands are still free to flop around as they please.

Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

I totally get #3... and I typed out a whole comment about it, but I'm gonna go cry on my own blog instead of in your comments, lol.

And for the record, you do change peoples lives right here in blogland. :)

Fluffy said...

I always take my phone, but water depends on the length of the run as others have said. I put my phone in a zip lock bag (very important cause of the sweat - how I found out? Uh, did without and the screen essentially fogged up - ON THE INSIDE!) and slide it in my sports bra. It can look like a "third boob" sometimes, but I don't get hung up on that.

Jess said...

Fanny packs are gay but not for long as the pack's not bigger than the bottle.

This one's not too bad:

Diz said...

We love you too!!!

I don't take my phone or water when I run. Half the time I get out there and think...damn this sucks right now but I'm out there and I have no way to contact anyone so I have to run my pissed ass home so it motivates me. Hopefully you're still being safe and running during the day in well seen/traffic areas so no one kidnaps you or anything...


Yani said...

I just want u to know that i love ur blog and yes u r changing peoples life when they read you blog u have change mine. and thank you for that.

also about the water and the phone i take a small backpack and i put my water there and i have a ipod thibg that u put on ur hands(close to ur shoders) so i used that and put my phone even thought is not an iphone or and ipod!! good luck!!!

Alexis said...

First of all, you are so lucky to have a person like Jenny in your life. I too only have one or two real, true friends and I don't have an extremely close relationship with my family so I too have little freak outs now and then that if anything were to happen to my husband that I really don't have too many people in my life that I can count on and that just makes me sad. Is some of that at the fault of me? Yes and no.

Secondly, I feel EXACTLY the same way you do about my job. I like my job and don't dread coming to work, but I just feel like there is something missing in my professional life. I have always been one that loves to do things for others and I just feel like my job is so money driven from a company stand point that it just makes me sad. I want to make a difference and bring joy to peoples lives. It's frustrating because I just don't know what that is yet. I actually may do a post about this so thanks for the inspriation :)