Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Victoria doesn’t have a Secret anymore…

Ahhhh….my bubble boobs have been rescued. As you heard in our vlog – we had some boob issues Friday night. I bought a $7 bra from Walmart and it kicked butt in the dressing room. I got it home and the cups were inverted and bubbly. I showed it to Jenny – who proceeded to poke me to make sure the bubbles weren’t a figment of her imagination – and she said it was too big. It was a 38C.

So I told her I’d go to Victoria Secret IF she went with me and held my hand. She’s a good BFF – so she did….she held my hand with one hand and held her camera phone in the other. She’s a picture taking whore.

Soooo – Jenny – Miss Confident – I’m not scared of all these thongs girl marches up to the sales lady and says “We’re gonna need a bra fitting”. I felt like Pretty Woman. I was trying to get things to bring in the dressing room and Jenny’s all like – no way – the sales lady will do that for you.

So after Jenny says we need a fitting – I stand there - no lie – and put my arms up like I’m all ready to go right there in the middle of the store…and Jenny says, “I think they do that in the dressing room.”

Oh you mean everyone in God’s country isn’t going to watch some random salesgirl measure my niplets. Whew.

I go to the dressing room. She says 36D. She lies cuz the bras that fit me best are indeed 38C or 38D so I was wearing the right size before.

Now - let the fashion show begin. Holy shitaki.

My saleslady apparently thought I was her muse. She’s bringing lingerie, thongs, bras, shirts – shoving them at Jenny – and saying “make her try these on”. I was sweating like a pig from being nervous and my stomach was in knots but I was pretending to be completely fine with standing there having 3 women and anyone who walked by stare at my boobs. I knew Jenny would see them and I didn’t care about that – but the saleslady was all over checking me out. I put on lingerie – and she’s all “let me see” and I’m thinking – my vagizzle is hanging out but I guess if you want to burn your eyes – go for it.

In that particular piece of lingerie my boobs were literally spilling over the top of the cups. I could have died and the sales lady is all “They’re supposed to fall out”. Jenny says, “You’re only going to have it on for a few seconds so it’s all good.” Miss sales lady is smiling, drooling and saying, “Oh I love that one on you – it looks ggooooddd.” I flashed Jenny a God help me look and what did she do? She took my picture. God love her.

Lucky Jenny even got to see my FUPA…it sticks out for real…and now she can verify it. My stomach almost goes in due to my tummy tuck scar so my FUPA sticks out. It’s great…yah…uh huh.

Meanwhile – Jenny is continuing to snap pics of every bra and lingerie piece I put on….for the man at home you know.

At one point I asked the sales lady if she worked on commission cuz if she did she was gonna want to hump my leg. Thankfully she did not.

Soooo – I leave later with 3 bras – one of which is zebra print – so of course I had to buy matching zebra panties, a dress, perfume, and lingerie. $250.

YOWSA.

My 9 year old (no - she was not present during the boob show) sees the total and says to the sales lady – “Oh Momma – Daddy is going to be mad”. All three of us women shake our heads and say in unison – “Oh no he isn’t…not when he sees what is in this bag.” (And can we all just remember he went to Hooters last night?)

So there you have it. My boobs are now separated, rounded and nicely enclosed in $55 zebra print. I’m walking around like a bra model – whipping my shirt up for anyone who wants to see. I guess *you get what you pay for* indeed is true when it comes to bras.

I gotta go – I’m waitressing now as a 4th job to pay for my new bra habit.

And I have to pay the blackmailer (aka Jenny). She’s threatening to post pictures of my FUPA and bras all over the internet if I don’t pay her big bucks. Have I mentioned how much I love her?


25 comments:

Kristin said...

Piece of work, you are. Congrats on the new bras, enjoy them. ;)

Angie said...

You're so hilarious! I'm glad you got fitted - I've gone from a 42DD to a 36DD and the girls, although not perfect like yours, look a whoooole lot better!

Carmen said...

lol! nice....i'd dress you up in all sorts of crap!!

Beth said...

have I mentioned I love you?? You are so cute and funny.
And yeah I'm sure your hubby will not care at all about the bill once he gets to see what you bought!!! Men are so easily manipulated muhahaha

Jacquie said...

Too funny! I just bought a 7-way bra from VS that I am loving! Will be back for sure!

Miss Tori said...

Congrats on the new bras! So, were the new bras a 36D or 38D?

I say post the pics!

Crystal said...

i LOVE victoria's secret!! and you crack me up!! i think this is starting to edge on word porn :)

DB said...

You are too much - I say post the pics sweetie!

Jess said...

I want new cute bras!!! I have a hot pink Ed Hardy bra on right now because it's the only one I have now that fits decent! haha! Also I must say, it's good to finally put a face to a name! You're just as fabu as I imagined you to be! :) Glad you liked my tattoo...there's 5 more where that came from! hehe

Gilly said...

She sent them to me. You look HOT!! ;)

Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

Glad Victoria and her Secrect helped you out. She has been of NO use to me... I swear its unending bra hell for me, lol. You should totally share at least one pic... pretend their bikini pics... come on you know you wanna share with us. :)

Sandy Lee said...

OK. I know I am dumb but am I the only one who doesn't know what FUPA means. Come on, it was sticking out and all and I wracked my brain trying to figure out what the acronym stood for. Head bowing in shame! My second sin of the week since I also never watched Sex and the City.

Sandy Lee said...

But I do want to add that I am glad those puppies are properly enclosed now. Hope the hubby enjoys.

River said...

I love Victoria's Secret but I usally use that for fancy panties and babydolls :) I always buy nice underwear and force my mum to wear nice ones too. For me if you don't do anything that's one thing you gotta do.

I kinda thought there would be pics with this post :p Not with you in the bras but the bra itself :)

Congrats to your hubby! Sounds like he'll be enyojing the goodies.

Girl Bandit said...

Sounds like fun!!! I need to visit VS when I go to Chicago...

Nella said...

Priceless!

Cindylew said...

I'm surprised you have time to post...I figured your hubby wouldn't let you out of the bedroom in light of the new lingerie.
Did you ever see that Oprah show solely dedicated to the fact that something like 90% of all women are wearing the wrong size bra.
Bottom line...take the size your wearing (unless of course you've been professionally fitted)...deduct one number and add two cup sizes...I swear to God it works. At the time that show aired, I was at my thin weight and thought I was a size 36C...followed their advice and went to Macy's to try on some good bras and lo and behold...36 down one size brings us to 34 and 2 cups up from C brings you to DD. My new thin weight bra size is 34DD. I can't wait to be there again...only another 60 lbs to go...yikes!

kagead said...

Money well spent, no doubt!!!

Butterfly/Amy said...

I definitely agree with you on the money spent on a bra. I've found some decent bras here and there but Victoria's Secret has the best without breaking the bank completely. I just picked up a new bra there and love it, it looks better than any of the others I own and I've never skimped on bras, because well, nobody wants to look all droopy. lol

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

You.

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

ARe positively hilarious. Help me I'm getting tipsy from your words!!!

Band-Babe said...

Doesn't it feel wonderful to have on fabulous lingerie? Totally worth every penny.

You look amazing in your pool pics. Healthy and radiant. What's FUPA again? I missed that. I really want to know because it has to do with your TT? Honestly, my scars make me in a bikini NOT so hot. But, looking good in clothes...

Genie @ Diet of 51 said...

After seeing your vlog, I can imagine the hilarious scenes in the dressing room at VS. I bet that saleslady wants in on your next vlog.

I don't know what FUPA is either, and I'll admit it.

Jenny said...

Its amazing what a new bra can do!

karen said...

You two are a riot! Well was the hubby mad. I bet not. Thanks for the smiles today.