Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Compulsive much?

Please direct all comments to Joey if you hate this post. It’s her fault. She sent me a book and being the good little Joey-stalker I am, I am reading it.

And now I am scared.

Yup, Miss big hairy balls of steel Mama Pimp here – is frightened. Like Dorothy in the Bad Witch’s castle kind of frightened.

Let’s just first say I read a lot of self-help books. I’m all about living on a quest to make me better….cuz I believe who I am right now isn’t good enough. Yes, yes, I realize that’s a flaw in itself…I’m working on that. Anywhoozle….this book….well this book scares me so much, speaks to me so much, is exactly what I’m thinking so much that I’m scared to keep reading it. I’m scared of the truth.

But not scared enough. I’ll keep reading. There’s no turning back now. Since I began this blog in 2010 – I have grown in ways too big to measure. No – not my cheesecurd-filled ass people. I don’t mean I grew sideways…I mean my heart and soul and mind have grown in ways I never thought possible. I can’t explain it and I can’t reason it out. I can only be grateful. And I can only keep going….face my fears, live in the moment, never regret….and even learn to let go.

Because sometimes I actually like to impart a teeny bit of knowledge to my readers, I’m going to tell you what I learned in reading last night. I’ll make it quick I swear. The jist of it is all about a word.

Compulsive.

I hate that word.  It makes me feel not good inside.  I would not have ever said I was compulsive about anything – until now. I mean I’m anal and OCD about certain things – but compulsive…that’s just being a plain old nutburger. And that I am not.

Or am I?

Each morning I weigh. My mood is definitely affected by the number there. It defines what I wear – heels or flats. Dress or frumpy jean shorts. It defines how fancy I do my hair or if I put on extra eyeshadow.

By 6am, I’ve planned my meals for the whole day before I plan a single meeting or deadline or family event.

If I eat well, my mood improves. If not, the negative self-talk starts. If there are snacks around, I’m torked at the person who brought them. If it’s someone’s birthday I’m mad we’re having ice cream – instead of just celebrating a birthday. I think about how much I’ll have to run to burn it off. I think about how I should eat less supper now that I had ice cream.

I think about wanting another soda but talk myself out of it for a good hour or so.

I think all day about what time I can sneak in a run later on. If I cannot run, negative self-talk begins again. It’s a wasted day. Can you imagine? A day is crap due to what I ate or didn’t exercise. How’s that for taking joy in living in the moment? I wiped out all the joy….over what?

Food.  Weight.  Exercise.  Goal.

If I wasn’t thinking about where we’d eat this weekend, would I see the beauty in the sunrise instead? If I wasn’t thinking about how today is the day I’ll get back on track, would I notice my beautiful daughter’s smiles more?

If I wasn’t writing down what I ate…would I be writing a love letter instead?

If I wasn’t tracking my exercise, would I be outside playing with my girls?

If I wasn’t dieting, who would I be?

If I wasn’t seeing flaws in the mirror and too many fat rolls, would I see the beauty that is me instead?

If I wasn’t counting calories, would I be counting blessings?

Food and exercise and goals….it’s 24/7. I could lie and say it isn’t. But it is. It starts at first weigh-in and stops when I lay my head down to sleep and think about how I ate and worked out that day and how tomorrow will be better.

And without this compulsion….well….who knows? Imagine if I added up the minutes I wasted thinking or planning about food and exercise and put it towards something else…like my dreams, wants, wishes, hopes or even towards helping someone else.

Right now it is my protection – from having to take the initiative to worry about those pesky dreams and hopes – cuz this is more important. It gives me a free pass from working on my inner self. It is my reason for everything. If I’m dieting or never happy with my body – then I can focus on that and NOT focus on the things that are really wrong inside. I can pretend it is the reason nothing else goes quite right. 24/7 for years I’ve made it my thing – on purpose – so much so that “until I’m at goal” the rest of me is on hold. It gives me something to do, something to plan for, a goal, an initiative, a reason to keep trying….it is a job. It has become who I am.

For just one second I have to ask myself – if not for this elusive thin goal – the planning, thinking, working out, dieting, berating, congratulating – what and who would I be?

I do not know. I’ve never let myself be that person. I’ve let myself pretend that the ONLY thing I’m needing to fix in my life – inside and outside – is my weight. I’ve told myself unconsciously that I’ll let all the other dreams out and deal with all the inside hurt – WHEN – I get to goal. WHEN I’m done with this endeavor…knowing full well that may indeed be never.

Even when I get to goal – then the endeavor will be to maintain…and it’ll be a daily cross to bear. Daily journaling, watching, planning, working out. I’ll make it my thing – to never go back there, to keep moving forward, to stay mindful of my health.

It defines me. This journey defines me and I let it.

Cuz defining what’s underneath this journey is just too painful to face.

Until now. This journey is not me. I am so much more. You just wait and see.

22 comments:

*~D~* said...

Wow! What a deep, thought provoking post! Although I think I'm doing it the other way...hoping if I can fix the things that are wrong inside, the outside will follow. Fixing what's wrong on the inside is scary, it makes us face our fears and sometimes the truth...things we've buried in the recesses of our minds. However, I don't think I'll ever be the person I want to be until I deal with those things I've pushed away for so long.

Keep up your awesome work, Draz! you're such an inspiration!

Pamela E. Williams said...

I realized finding out who we what drives us good and bad is the journey and that journey never ends.

Its a scary one at that.

Leah said...

That was a beautiful post... and I agree with D, it's a lot about what's inside of me that scares me... and I'm hoping once I change, not fix because I think that would take a long time, change the inside, the outside will follow. We all have our own demons, our own personal battles... do we let those take over our lives? Because isn't it a constant struggle?? You're post has helped with a lot of insight my dear. Thank you kindly! :)

Jennifer said...

Holy Crap. I love this. Keep reading and blogging this out - you are going to help so many people!

TracyZ said...

Great post!

TracyZ said...

Draz - I wrote like 3 really heartfelt comments and Blogger keeps eating them.

In short, great post girl!!

Miss Vickie "The Queen Bee" said...

Dang it! I wish I could write like you do. What a wonderful post....gives me some tings to ponder about myself.

Leslie said...

Oh man! You are doing some deep work and having some deep awarenesses here, Draz. Reminds me totally of the 12 steps of those programs...if I give _____ up, who will I be? What will I look like? This IS who I am, so how can I let it go? Big deep stuff you're talking about.

Just knowing this all about yourself and owning it is huge. It's where you are on the journey...well enough to realize how crazy and sick you still are (I am too, so I'm not directing this at YOU but rather at the general you that is all of us). If you ever get interested in looking at the steps, you're kind of in a mix of 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7! Awareness, turning it over, letting go, asking for help having it removed. There I go blathering on about my aa shit! Sorry - I'm sure people get tired of it!

Thanks for the honest excellent post - sounds like you're right on schedule. Think Serenity Prayer!

Stephanie said...

Damn girl, where do you come up with this stuff? You are so freakin' profound and I'm writing comments on people's blogsand can barely think of a witty thing to say. Keep writing. You are so inspiring!

susieq4givn said...

oh man...can I totally identify with this post...this is me pretty much all the way thru. My day is determined by my weight on the scale in the morning and that sets my tone for the rest of the day. I am always thinking about what I am going to eat, when I am going to work out...great post, it really is making me think...

tessierose said...

You're on point with this one. So much of my life has been spent living outside the moment.

Diz said...

Here's the thing...I agree, but I don't. I've been here- thinking the same things. Of course I agree that it shouldn't define you, that you should be living in the moment now, and that you are MORE than a number on the scale. You're beautiful, smart, funny, loving...

However, there is nothing wrong with having a goal and driving yourself to that goal. If it makes you happier to be thinner, than there's a reason you keep shooting for it. There's a reason you haven't stopped and said that you were satisfied with yourself yet. I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to better yourself...we're all working on that all the time.

Just don't lose yourself in the goal. That's the hard part for me.

Good luck love! I know you'll figure it all out! Muah- xoxo

Kerri said...

Damn Drazil....did you somehow get in my head? That was an awesome post. Clearly I need to read that book. I am definitely compulsive...sad but VERY true!

Alexis said...

I've got to get my hands on that book. Even though I'll be scared as shit to read it too. I hate self realization sometimes :)

You are beautiful inside and out. Seriously. (((bear hug)))

DB said...

You're amazing & awe inspiring - Great post!

Pie said...

I am very much the same way. My good and bad days are dictated by how I feel about the scale and the person looking back at me in the mirror. I've been focused on this single goal for ten years now. I am "that friend" - the one that's always dieting, always going to the gym, always trying to lose weight. It's nice to be making progress on this for once, whereas before I was actually gaining weight on the journey. I've told myself time and time and time again, "Once I lose weight, I'll do this. Once I lose weight, I'll do that." That's the only part I really get hung up on sometimes. I don't see being focused on a goal as a bad thing, but not overlooking the other things in pursuit of that goal is something that requires constant vigilance. It's not easy.

Joey said...

It's a goodie, right? Did you see her on Oprah on Monday? I'll probably get her new book. I'm at the point where I know this information, I see the pattern, I know I'm compulsive.....but now what? What do I do with that? Glad you like it!!

Nella said...

I don't think compulsive...I just think you are being responsible and in order to do so, you have to think about it 24/7! If not, then you fall off.

You are finally putting YOU first and that makes you happy!

With all the changes in your new HOT body...may take a bit to register!

Enjoy!

amandakiska said...

Ya, Geneen will definately fuck you up in the brain. I never figured out how to quit dieting myself until I was banded (and you're too skinny for that). But I can tell you that life is 1,000,000 times better now that I am no longer obsessed about food, weight, etc. Now I'm just obsessed with reading your blog every 10 minutes.

Amaris said...

Great post! I'm blown away. I have some things in common with it, some not. For me, it's been all about food and weight, but I haven't really done anything about it. I've put all this energy into kvetching about it, all this energy into thinking what I'll eat next, how my life will be better when it mysteriously changes,and not so much energy into LIVING my life. You asked some really profound questions, questions that I'll need to take a closer look at. Thanks for your openness and honesty about where you are. It's gonna help a lot of people, I'm sure.

I am pre-op for being banded. I hope what Amanda said is true, and I won't always be obsessed with food and my weight any longer.

Thanks again for being who you are, so publicly. ***HUG***

Liz - Lizzle - Libby Lou said...

I'm sooooooooooooooooooooo proud of you, hot stuff!!! You razzle dazzle but I appreciate you can stop down and look on the inside. The fact that this book made to your hands and into your head tells me you are ready. YOu are ready to face all that is inside and none of it will be "earth shattering" like you fear! And I like to tell people that when you let yourself FEEL the hurt inside and just bawl like a big baby, the healing BEGINS from there. Without that first step, it is not possible.

LDswims said...

Wow. You just defined me. Interesting.

We are so totally in this together...paralleling...but it is so incredibly personal how we get there...

You inspire me so much!