Tuesday, July 6, 2010

I have to go on.

Really? I mean really?

I find it so disheartening that nearly 5 years into my health journey it is still easy to go adrift and run amuck. The weekend was filled with gluttony and non-exercise….and I’m pissed at how easy it is to slip. You’d think by now it’d be pure habit to stay on track wouldn’t you? How in the hell am I going to run a marathon when I’ve missed 4 days of exercise? I know – that’s not a lot – unless you are marathon training…which I technically haven’t started yet…but still. You have a training schedule and you stick to it or you don’t complete the marathon. It’s really very simple. And very complex. Especially for those of us who like to see how much sugar I can eat before going into a coma or how many Mountain Dews I can consume and still go to sleep.

I knew 8 people at the party this weekend I attended. Only 8. And two of them were under the age of 7 so that doesn’t really count. I wanted to run and hide the whole time but I pretended and I laughed and I talked….like normal people do. No one would have guessed I’m a nutcase.

So the holiday weekend was good but I have a mental hangover. Being social nearly every day isn’t just fun or busy time for me…it’s draining and exhausting. That’s not to say I don’t enjoy it because I do once I get there but the act of getting there and being nervous the whole time and anxious about what’s next just sucks the life out of me. And I’d be lying if I said that doesn’t piss me off.

I thought I made huge strides and now I’m not so sure. Especially in the fear department. There were teenagers drinking at the grad party I went to and while most people thought it was funny or okay that it was supervised or watchful….you know what I was? Scared. Scared they’d get caught, scared their parents had no idea what they were doing, scared of my girls one day being those teens, scared one of them would over-drink, scared something would get broken….just scared. And why? Even if all those things happened – the world wouldn’t end. Life would go on. I’d still be crazy.

I hate that kind of fear. I don’t mean I was a little afraid. I mean fast heart beating, exhausting, choke you to death if you let it fear. And I hate even more that I feel it. I hate that it taints my experiences. I hate that this fear is caused by a simple alcoholic liquid. I hate that I can’t look beyond what alcohol has done to me and my family over the years and just see it for what it is now.

Since I was at a family gathering that always means I have to talk about the flood. Relatives ask out of concern and the stories and emotions come and the resentment “floods” back to me over being the only sibling who dealt with it every day. Someone had the nerve to say “I’m sure it brought you closer.” Um no….it didn’t…and that’s another tragedy in itself.

I was with my Uncle – the brother of the Uncle who killed himself. I didn’t want to talk about it – but I did. His name came up over and over. I didn’t want it to. I found out that since the day of his suicide not one of his 8 other siblings have owned a gun…and they were all avid hunters. I told my uncle that the day before my Uncle killed himself he came to our house and told my Dad of his plans….but he was drunk again and so was my Dad…and my Dad didn’t believe him. And now my Dad lives with that. I didn’t want to tell him that story…but it came out.

Today coming back to work was hard. I know it was hard for a lot of people – but for me, it’s almost not possible. And I hate my anxiety/depression for that. I want to revert to seeing and talking to no one and just stay home – in my safe box – and never leave. Even typing this is hard because I hate the kind of person it makes me. Weak. Exhausted. Overwhelmed.

And why? Because I had 3.5 days off and went to a party.

Ridiculous.

But I’ll fight it. I’ll keep pressing on. I will put on brave face and say my weekend was great. I will plow through my work today and no one will know on the inside I am screaming. I like to say 10 years later that my depression/anxiety are under control and don’t affect me and weekends like this prove me wrong. I am not really okay. And maybe that’s okay.

It makes me realize I can’t get cocky. I have to take care of me. I have to run again. I have to eat right again. I have to keep fighting the fears.

I have to go on.

32 comments:

MrsFatass said...

Yes you do.

I live with anxiety, too, albeit a different flavor. Still crazy, though. I get it. I get you. I adore you.

You'll make it through your day. Promise.

Stephanie said...

Sorry to hear you had such a hard time this weekend. Have you thought of taking Xanax or Valuim for occasions like that? I'm not trying to make light of your situation at all (please know that), but I know when I was going through a stage of social phobia, which is very out of character for me, that helped immensely. I just don't want you to have to go through that, Draz. You deserve happiness and not to have to worry.

Ms. Chunky Chick said...

Dear its okay to not be okay. Being under control and being okay are two different ideas. Being a 100% okay would be as if the event would have never happened or just pretending it didn't. Being under control is that you know that its gonna effect you that some days are gonna be harder but you keep chugging along. Take care of yourself lovey. And your right just keep fighting....xoxoxoxo

Vaia said...

Drazil, your honesty is inspiring and refreshing. I hope you are most definitely taking care of you - that is THE most important thing you can do for yourself, for your hubby, for your kids. Without you - what would we all do :)

-Grace- said...

You will keep on. I know you are not the quitting type! Love you, hun.

Southern Belle said...

Sweetie you will go on, cause that is what you do. Pick yourself, dust yourself off and get back on track. Your feelings are your feelings and they are never wrong, it's all in how you deal with them. Much love, J

tessierose said...

Wow! You are very fortunate that you are able to articulate these feelings. Most people who suffer from anxiety and depression are never able to really put into words what they are feeling. I hope that sharing with us will in some way help ease your pain. So many of us care! Take care!

Cheeseburger Girl said...
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Cheeseburger Girl said...
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Pamela E. Williams said...

Part of being a survivor is the fact that we know "WE HAVE TO GO ON." Sometimes it hurts, sometimes its just there taunting us, but we know that life keeps going with or without us. Depression and anxiety are such crushers of spirit if we let them be, but the great thing about you Draz is that you have so much spirit. No matter how hard it is, you keep GOING ON and keep inspiring us to do the same whether you know it or not.

Sandy Lee said...

Were here for you even when you think others aren't. Think of it as preparation for the Chicago weekend. It will be exhausting, I know, but in the end we will all be better for going! {{{HUGS}}}.

ps-I'm at work and sneaking in some blog reading when I should be working. Oh well.

Kerri said...

WOW, I thought I was reading about me for a few moments. I hate my anxiety and depression. I am trying but somedays it consumes me! Thank god for Prozac! Hang in there, I believe that it will get better...it has to!

Pam said...

Wow...sounds like a rough weekend, but it also sounds like you are an amazingly strong lady who is pressing forward, and that is awesome.

Thank you so much for your comment on my blog the other day - I am so happy to be part of this amazing network of caring people. Looking forward to getting to know you better now that I have found you!

Cheeseburger Girl said...

OK. Blogger hates me today. First it showed that I commented three times so I deleted ONE of them. Now it shows I only posted once and deleted it. Hopefully the comment I made got emailed to you, if not, let me know and I'll summarize.

V said...

I'm sorry you had such a difficult "holiday". At times we ALL feel weak,exhausted, and VERY overwhelmed...but think of how wise you are to KNOW what it does to you and how you can make things better....taking care of you. I know easier said than done, but just try to keep your focus on YOU this week....

Sumer said...

I am sorry you had a tough weekend. You did it though...you got through it. That is a success in MY book! I hope this week brings you relaxation, happiness, and, peace.

Tina said...

It sounds like you did all of the right things to overcome the anxiety!! I one read this book about a guy who approaches goals as an actor...he pretended to be an athlete and did everything an athlete would do and viola he became one. I have been trying it out for the last year and I think it works. You did it for the socializing and I bet everything thought you were the life of the party. Great work I think.

Now pretend to be a marathon girl and you will be set :)

Tina

Jess said...

"I am not really okay. And maybe that’s okay."

Yep! And remember, everything looks different the next day.

Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

Oh my beautiful friend, I'm sorry you had such a rough weekend. I get the same way in social situaitons when family is involved; it sucks... but you made it through. That's a step ahead of me, who cancelled rather than face the discomfort.

Its definitely okay to be not okay... and you will keep on keeping on... you're no quitter... everything about your life proves that. Loves you. :)

Scuttleboose said...

Ok, so I've only been reading your blog for about a week and a half, but I had no idea that you struggled with this. Thank you for letting me know that even people who are *hilarious* and brighten your day can also have some demons. Hope your day is going well, and if you need a laugh, just try to say the word verification for this post: "smshno"

River said...

You give me hope that it doesn't matter how long this journey takes it is still OK to have ups and downs and it doesn't have to end at all. There is not quitting! I will do great cos you are great! ♥

amandakiska said...

I know when I get off my exercise schedule, it is easy to feel really down on myself. I hope you can give yourself permission to chose NOT to work out every day instead of allowing it to prevent you from getting back to it now that the weekend is over.

I am not trying to trivialize the other issues that you discussed, but I suspect you are a perfectionist, like me, and that if you don't do everything "just right" then you want to say, "Fuck it!" and quit.

Thanks for sharing!

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

For me the big deal was realizing that this was my problem. Not everyone else's. Yes I might be right about every single worry, but it's not my problem and adding levels of stress I can't handle.

But, it stripped me of my self righteousness. Oh darn.

It's so hard. You are winning the battle AND the war. I know for certain you have come a long way. Look at you! Blogging/meeting people/talking to them/caring about them. You are amazing. Take care of you.

Lucas said...

SugarPlum,
Your gift is the ability to lay it all out there, write about it with honesty and openess and share it all with us lucky few. Huge hugs to you dear girl. Big. Huge. Hugs.

Sam said...

You are a true inspiration for the rest of us that also deal with these fears.

I realise that it must be very hard for you to put all this into writing, but I just want to say thank you for it; as it really does help to see that some one else has the same fears but is working through them.

You are living your life and it is a wonderful one.

{{{{{hugs}}}}}

workinprogress said...

As fellow sufferer of anxiety - I feel your pain.

This is a really brave post.

Hang in there. You can do this.

Cindylew said...

Of course you have to go on...what on earth would 3,814 bloggers do without you. Just kidding.
You need to take care of yourself and do whatever it is you need to do that brings you calm and peace after days that become so stressful for you.
It seems that one of those things is the consistency and predictability that working out and eating well brings you...perhaps when you can control and count on those things...then it makes everything else going on around you seem more easily controlled.
Just keep reaching out so that we can always at least try and keep flapping our gums and attempt to say something that might help...maybe just to tell you that we love you.

Miss S. said...

I would really miss you if you could not go on.

Good for you stepping out of your comfort zone. Hopefully someday it won't be such a struggle.

Genie @ Diet of 51 said...

Yes, you will go on. You have your girls, your husband, your friends, your followers, Chicago, etc., etc. all counting on that, and you must take care of yourself. Your uncle would not want you to be any less than you can be, or to suffer so much over his death. He just didn't think it through....

Gen said...

This is probably not my place to say...but living in a family with a history of depression and especially suicide (as I do), it is ESSENTIAL to make sure your depression and anxiety are at least somewhat under control. I can't tell, maybe it was just a bad weekend. But for me, after my uncle shot himself 3 years ago, I let go of this idea that I could fix everything all by myself. It is a brain and hormone and chemical thing, and medication (SSRIs) help immensely. Maybe you are already going that route, but if not, there is no point in trying to be "strong enough not to need medication." In families like ours, it is a life or death question, IMHO. Sorry if this is unwanted advice...but knowing we have that same experience with our uncles (mine was never treated for depression, was too "tough" to get help or take medication), I just had to put it out there. You will be fine, but it does NOT need to be this difficult!

Thanks for an honest and so articulate post!!!!

Joey said...

Rough weekend :( I hope you are feeling much better. I know for me that missing exercise triggers my depression. Hang in there you tough cookie (mmmm....cookies). XOXO

Jess said...

You may not even read this! I am catching up on blogs so I just got to this! Some of the things you say reminds me soooo much of myself. The anxiety you feel and the nervousness, anxiousness, your unrealistic fears. I have those too. Well you never did comment on my fear post about death and aging. So I know how hard it is for you. Believe me, I know!