Wednesday, July 28, 2010

I Wish Wednesday....

It’s I Wish Wednesday….the day when I let out everything I’ve been holding in for a week out of politeness. There isn’t any gumdrop farting here, no rainbows, no colored Skittle baths….today I don’t even know the way to CareBear Land where I usually reside.

I feel shitastic and craptabulous….I can’t break this funk that happened since the re-flood. I’m angry that I’m not stronger than this…and maybe I Wish Wednesday will help.

1. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t me. I’ve reverted to the old Draz. I don’t want to talk to anyone or see anyone except a select few – translation = Jenny, Rambo and my kids. That’s it. My family was spending time together and I left the room, I went to bed at 8pm. I never kissed my kids goodnight, I barely said goodnight to Rambo. I stopped talking, I withdrew into myself. I just left….to be alone with my self-destructive, pity party, why me thoughts? And I hated myself for it the whole time…but the will to force myself out of that desperation wasn’t there. I wish and hope and pray I gain that strength today because that is not who I want to be.

2. I wish I was more like Rambo. Had he pulled something like that – bitchiness, walking out, not talking, hating the world without an explanation, without reaching out to me – I’d have been pissed. Yet I woke up this morning with his arms wrapped around me whispering that he loved me and that everything will be okay. I wish I knew that everything would be okay – like he does. Life would be so much easier.

3. I wish I wasn’t on the brink of tears all day long…it’s not who I am. I am not a crier. I am strong – hear me roar remember? But it’s raining and I can’t explain how angry I am that the sound of rain sparks fear and anger now – when before it was joy. I’ll get back to that joy some day but right now – we can’t handle more rain. I can’t handle the sound.

4. I wish our solutions work….we began discussing plans of action for fixing the house before I regressed into myself – which probably caused it. Dig along the house, put in drain tile, re-seal the walls, make a mess of the yard, rip up our deck cuz it’s in the way, dig up massive amounts of flowers and move rocks, stain the floor in the basement….to the tune of thousands of dollars. I have our budget done out into next year and this wasn’t part of that. The planner in me is having panic attacks. I keep trying to picture it in my head – done and beautiful and dry. But it’s a vision that doesn’t come easy.

5. I wish that people I work with didn’t abuse the per diem system. When the state says you can have $51 a day for meals – that doesn’t read “try to spend as close to $51 as possible.” We live in a cost-effective area. It should never cost that much for one person for one day. If it does, you’re abusing the system just because you don’t have to pay for it….and you look like a selfish asshole. Ever heard of McDonald’s? I think you could eat there 16x for less than $51. I know if it was your dollar you wouldn’t have ordered lobster….jackass. Wow.

6. I wish I had done detox/Atkins before. I’d already be at goal. I lost another pound today. 7 to go to mini-goal, 12 to go until I’ll cream in my pants and do cartwheels goal. 7 lbs in 8 days – who knew? (Oh at the end of detox day 7 Rambo was down 6.5 so almost a pound a day). And folks – I’m so freaking full the sight of food doesn’t even appeal to me. Honestly. Weird huh? This from the girl who can out-eat nearly any man on this Earth. However, I will say – when I’m in depression mode my appetite is nearly nonexistent. It’s a symptom of depression and one I watch closely…. I always thought it’d be cool to have no desire to eat or no appetite but it’s not. It feels horrible – not natural – wrong.

7. I wish I could wear a bikini every day after work like I did last night. Little sparks of Draz are still here. Something about a bikini drives Rambo nuts. Earlier in the night we were both at our computers and we can’t see each other’s faces but we talk and he’d say, “I think we need to go to the bedroom, I’m not sure I can stand another minute with you looking like that.” Looking like what? I’m slumped at a computer screen…in a bikini. It’s funny to me when he talks like that – it’s like we’re having a conversation about how the grass is growing – except not.

8. I wish that soon I feel like Draz again…cuz I fear if I don’t….you’ll stop reading me. No one wants to hear this doom and gloom and poor me. It’s bullshit. I lost nothing that matters. There is destruction in nearly every home in my town and mine is not the worst. Anger doesn’t look good on me. Please….bear with me as I try to let it go.

Be well my friends.


Seeing in colour said...

I love the honesty.. i battled alot of that a few years back.... im trying to not hate myself as much now.

I loved #7 ahahah BEST EVER.... so cute :D

Your fantastic!

Vaia said...

Draz - I love Rambo. Not in the way you love Rambo - but he sounds, and probably is, super Rambo. I'm glad you have someone like that in your life - everyone deserves a Rambo.

P.S. How many times can I say Rambo in one paragraph, eh??

Dazee Dreamer said...

I will read you no matter what. I like the real blogs. People just aren't happy, happy, happy all the time.

Pamela E. Williams said...

You are allowed to feel this way. I wouldn't stop reading you for the world. I had been in a funk lately (last 2 weeks) worrying about money and such, but I read your blog and it makes me feel better. Not because I see others have worse problems, but because you have this thing that even when you are down and feeling blue you make me smile, I ♥ You. Hey that rhymed.

Hopefully that lame attempt at poetry made you smile and if not, just think of how your wonderful blog has made a difference in my life. Stay encouraged dear Draz.


Band Groupie said...

Hey GF...catching up...just ((hugs))...and enjoy that pity party...we all need them. I was talking to my oler Sis this weekend and her basement had flooded...again (rain just outside Chicago). I was tearing up for them (we've had two floods (neither due to rain and they both make me cry thinking about them)...they are talking about the same things you are; French drains, regrading the yard, etc.
Floods are just...grrrr!

JourneyBeyondSurvival said... read me and that's practically all I do. People hang in with you. Really they do.

Rambo is awesome. I love that.

You could always call a reporter about the per diem. They would love a scandal like that. Oh, but that would only work if you worked in the government, which I don't know. HR might be interested though.

It's just nice to think about once in a while.

LDswims said...


Email coming shortly...

And lots of love, too.

Deborah said...

I've been through a catastrophic flood also. You can whine if you need to.

Ice Queen said...

I wish that you could see that we are not going to leave you while you are working through your stuff, here. You don't owe it to us to be up and cheerful and full of rainbows and lemondrops 24/7. You have to feel what you have to feel. Don't shut down and push it aside or bury it. Feel it. Move through it. Then you can come out the other side.

And be full of rainbows and lemondrops. ;) :D

Hang in there, love. We are all here for you, as long as you need us. *hug*

LauraLynne said...

I wish the one word on the tip of my tongue didnt' hurt so much. I wish that I didn't cry all the time these days - like you, I'm not a cryer. But hurt in ways I can't describe right now. the tears, well, they're filled with the words I can't say out loud.

MrsFatass said...

Okay, first of all, FIFTY ONE DOLLARS A DAY??? I can't even imagine. I could feed my FAMILY OF FOUR on that, EASILY. Holy Crapballs.

Second of all, Trophy Husband and Rambo might be twins. He, too, appreciates a good bikini and he ALWAYS tells me things will be okay.

Third. People don't come here for you to do a song and dance. You strike a chord because of your honesty. So, you know, rock on with your depressed self. For now. Nobody's going ANYWHERE. Though we may start to throw jellybeans at you if it goes on for too long . . .

Pamela E. Williams said...

oh and BTW on that per folk in my office just came trip to NY a conference. They pd was $71($53 for 1st & last day). My VP had the nerve to ask why she couldn't get $71 for those days too. I just looked at her. She said she was flew there early & was there all day. Yeah but did you spend $71?? Nope but she still had me claim the whole thing for each day. SMH!

Jessica said...

kudos to Rambo.. my husband is sometimes the same way.. I get in the "i hate world and i take it out on my hubby" mode and poor thing just keep on chugging along with me. Makes a girl feel good to know that they've got somebody to put up with moodiness that possesses us!

amandakiska said...

I wish I could find that magic wand you lost so I could make everything better!

I also wish I could $51 lunch per diem!

Carmen said...

love you pookie!

Cindylew said...

Don't you know that we'll never leave you and will be reading you as long as you grace us with your wit, eloquence and yes, sometimes your broken heart.
We love you cupcake...not going anywhere!

Leah said...

Drazil, I wish I could take all of your fears, your discouragements, your stress, your problems, crumble them up into a tiny little ball, set it on fire, take the ashes, mix it with monkey poop bake it, and shove it up the clouds asses! I'm so sorry you're going through this hun, but you will get through it, I know it. Try and not worry about the past and look what you have now... you have an amazing husband that loves you and will never stop being there. You have beautiful children that look up to you and adore you. You have a house that's still there, may it be the basements flooded but it can be repaired, your family is still safe. And even though your families pictures were ruined at your parents house, you can still hear the stories and you still have the amazing memories, and no one, not even stupid rain can take that away from you. The rain may flood out your basement, wash away whats been done, but in the end you still have what matters the most, you and your wonderful family.

I hope you get out of your funk Drazil, you don't deserve to feel that way. You are an incredible, beautiful, funny, crafty and one bad ass mother fucker... rain won't change that, a flood won't change that... you just need some time, but you will pull through... I would say have a piece of chocolate, but your on Atkins... so have a piece of delicious Atkins... something! I have know idea what the Atkins diet has for sweet pick me ups, but damnit they have to have one!

Also, I will NOT stop reading you and it seems like quite a few other people agree... that's not something you need to worry about, that should be the least of your worries... don't worry about planning right now, don't worry about losing bloggers... worry about making yourself feel better, and spend time with your family. That's worth everything.

I love you Drazil!!!

Gilly said...

The first time you emailed me, I said to you: "bad news...I think I have the hots for your husband." Well...I stand by that. I'd say you're a lucky girl, but I have this feeling that he's just as lucky as you are. I hope you both make it through all this stronger and happier and more together than ever!

AmeyinIdaho said...

I would never stop following you! You are human, you get down, you have bad days, you want to run and hide and bury your head in the sand. You will get through this. You will be stronger. You will survive!

Happy thoughts filled with gumdrops and lollipops (sugar free of course) are headed your way.

Sam said...

I will always read your blog, I love every bit of it and even if I don't always comment, my thought are with you.

I really hope you get through this tough time and can soon begin to love the rain again like you once did.

I hear your roar. It is a beatiful sound.

Miz said...

yanking from the mainly lurking closet as well.

I love your honesty as I know I can relate to SO MUCH of what you shared.

thank you.

xo xo

Dinnerland said...

I hope you feel better soon-- and that getting these feelings off your chest is soothing. I know that when I feel bad, journalling is so helpful. This is like a diary with feedback!

Jess said...

I just got to this today (yes, I am still behind on reading everyone's posts! I hate that!) I feel your disconnection. I really do. I get like this alot even though it's just me and the hubby. Sometimes I would just prefer to be alone on certain days. I don't want anyone talking to me and I am stuck with my thoughts and that's a scary thing, really. New Draz will come back just give her time.