Thursday, July 29, 2010

A teeny little thing called a reason…**Updated at the bottom**

I live by reasons. They keep me going – because then when tragedy strikes I can reason it out. I can focus on the reason – not the tragedy.

When something bad happens, sometimes it takes years before I know why…but in my heart I know I’ll figure it out. I surmise all kinds of possible reasons until the real one is shown to me….it eases the pain.

When my Grandma who was a Saint on Earth died after I spent months nursing her through cancer…after we whispered in her ear, “you can go, they are all waiting for you there, just let go” and I thought I’d never recover….I did and it was because I knew there was a bigger reason for her death. Today, my 9 year old who never met that woman will swear to you she knows her. At the age of 3, she constantly talked of my Grandma and I would say, “Honey – you never met her, you don’t know her.” She’d get downright angry with me and say she did – that she saw her all the time. As a new mother with a colicky baby – that same 9 yr old – I felt my Grandma in the nursery with me, alone and scared and often I’d go in and my baby would be covered gently….and I hadn’t done it. My Grandma was there. If she had been alive….I would have truly been alone….she wouldn’t have been with me in that room.

When I lay dying in my parent’s bed – wasting away to nothing, not talking or eating and barely breathing – praying to die to stop the pain in my head from depression I had no idea there’d ever be a reason. But there is. At the age of 9, my sister suffered the same fate – yes I said 9. And instantly before it got that bad – we all knew what it was – because of what I had been through. She was put on meds and still is on them today…she is 21. She is alive because of them. When my father saw that two of his daughters were helped, at the age of 50, he went on meds himself and is very different from the man I knew as a child because of them. All because I nearly died….

When the flood came and life was like a slow motion movie for a year – I struggled hard to find a reason but I swore and would tell people…some day I will know. Some day. It’s been two years and I still don’t really know about that one. I’d still probably take it back…until I see my parents in a new home, safe and dry and in town as they get older and only a mile from me. They are better off – in my heart I know that. But they were good before so I still struggle with this one. I doubt I’ll know until I let myself go back there and actually grieve…some day.

Anywhoozle – what I’m leading up to is this latest re-flood reason. I have been beyond pissed – as you have read in my blogs. And then I get beyond sad. Then I crawl into myself and don’t let anyone in. It seems ridiculously unfair that every time I enter my own newly remodeled basement that I have flashbacks of something I choose to forget. One of the worst times in my life – staring at me from my own home. It is eerily familiar – the water and mud, how to clean, the smell, the aftermath, the emotions, FEMA…all of it. I swore to God I’d never go through it again….and here I am…even if on a lesser scale. I was emailing with a blogger – one who I am proud to call a friend (LDSwims) – and she said something about a reason and she said lots of other amazing words and I read it over and over and let it sink in and as I was reading – it was like a lightening bolt – a reason – right there – in between the lines. I nearly crumbled to the floor. (Yes, drama is my middle name.)

The room that is most ruined is my daughter’s. It has huge mirror closet doors we ordered just for her. Three pretty windows and a blanket quilted by the Grandma she knows but never met. It’s big and she has her own big bathroom down there to go with it. Trouble is – from day 1 – she’s hated it. She’s like me – scared a lot, needs people around her to feel safe, needs to be near us, needs to belong….and down “there” she hates it. She gets scared and feels alone and far away. We have to force her to go to bed every night.

For months since it’s been done we say too bad, suck it up, it’s gorgeous, as you grow you’ll want to have your own space with your friends and your own bathroom…..and she cries. I can’t get her past it into loving it. I know there’s nothing to be afraid of but as a mother it hurts me that she hates it that bad. I hate the begging every night to sleep on the couch up by us. I hate that she won’t use her bathroom down there. I hate that it didn’t work out – but what was done is done.

Until the re-flood. The room is near empty and there is no carpet. We will be painting the floor and making it brand new again. And without this flood – we would never take the opportunity to….


It’s a teeny little thing called a reason and I’m clinging to it. Good from the bad. Rainbow after the rain. Peace in my heart. Instead of dread at cleanup – excitement to decorate new rooms.

It’s just that teeny little thing called a reason…..powerful enough to save me.

OH AND.....down 7.5lbs in 9 days.  No sugar since Sunday.  No caffeine for 9 days.  I am officially not addicted!!!


TracyZ said...

My faith is built on the concept of everything happens for a reason. I look for it, search for it, and need it when things don't go my way or even when they do.

I had some really heartbreaking things happen to me and when it came down to it, those things all happened so that I would stumble upon my husband-to-be.

A lot of times I think some of the "reason" can actually be what things could have been like if it hadn't happened that way. Like you and your sister. When my mother passed away she had been sick, but no where near how sick she was "supposed" to get before she died. She died because she was desperately trying to get better but the reality may have been if she had stayed alive she would never have fully lived again.

It's hard sometimes to just blindly believe that things happen for a reason. Especially when it takes years to find the reason, but its the way I live my life. It's the way I cope with the world. And I have never met anyone else that felt the same.

Thanks for sharing this today.

MrsFatass said...

That's not teeny. That's huge.

And, if she's not in the basement, then does that mean there's room for me to move in down there?

Gen said...

So sorry you have to deal with the re-flood, I just read your earlier posts. It is just heartbreaking, after what you have been through.

But the reason is huge. Your daughter will be happy up closer to you, and you will be too. Our babies all slept in our room - the 4 year old is still there - and I love having them close. This year my 9 and 11 year old boys wanted to move into the basement...but they sometimes get scared, and don't want to be there.

There is a Reason.

Vaia said...

I believe that there is always a reason - and it may not be neatly arranged with a silver lining - but it's there. I am so glad you found this one. It's a good one.

tessierose said...

I have found a reason in all bad things that have happened to me too, with the first flood it was a cleansing, a way to make the home that was mine and my ex's a home for me and my new husband, but then when it was all new and it happened again, I couldn't quite get my head around the why either. But I did, I learned so much from both experiences about what is really important about holding a memory even if you don't have the photo that once marked it. I'm glad you found some peace! Love you!

Karen@WaistingTime said...

Wow! What a powerful post. How wonderful that you can find those reasons after all that has happened in your life. I remember when my Dad died thinking that people say something good always comes from something bad. Eventually I found my reason too. But a part of me still wonders what life would be like if if he was still in it. Sigh.

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

What a wonderful perspective Draz. You are so amazing. I've struggled with a reason about my bipolar and about Chickadee's Rett Syndrome.

Don't have one yet.

I love the simple clarity and peace from your reason.

creatingsarah said...

I loved this post. I find it amazing that your daughter knows her, but never met her. And I love that you can always find a reason. (:

I just recently started following you, and even though you've already received it before... I've given you The Versatile Blogger award again. I'm really enjoying your blog!

Nella said...

I am so sorry to hear about the loss. I have been MIA the last few days...AUDIT! Wish I would be there to help you thru all the crap! Perservere my FRIEND!

Sarah said...

Draz... I read your post the other day. I couldn't comment because I was so sad for you and didn't have words to add... I have been praying for you, and I think that this "little reason" is a phenomenal reason - she needs you, you need her... and the room will be fine without her! And your grandmother is there with both of you... I'm continuing to pray...

Kristin said...

GREAT post. So glad this awfulness is working in your little girl's (and by extention, your) favor.

As for the sugar, you ROCK. Do you not crave it anymore, is that what you mean by not being addicted? Cause that would be f'ing awesome. Please elaborate. xoxo

LDswims said...

Argh, chills! Major crazy chills. Life is so brutal, sometimes, in making us do what we need to...but won't...unless our hands are forced.

I've STILL got the chills!

I'm proud to call you a friend, as well. Dangit if I didn't run out of time last night - but I'ma do what you told me a card and reach out to that friend who I realized last night that I am just incredibly lucky to know.

Love you, much!

Ice Queen said...

Blown away by you, I am, you extraordinary creature.

Barbara said...

You are pretty damn AMAZING...

Carmen said...

finding the reason in crappy things is the best :-)

Food Addict said...

very powerful - I really do believe things happen for a reason!

Linda said...

I think finding a positive motivation (making DD very happy) out of this is amazing and a really great way to deal with something huge that overwhelms you. Grab onto one little positive thing and run with.


Miss S. said...

That's a perfect way to turn the negative into a positive. =)

Quit tempting me with Low Carb. sheesh!

Genie @ Diet of 51 said...

That is very cool about your daughter knowing your grandma. I totally believe it.

I'm glad that you arrived at a reason you can accept.

That is quiet an amazing weight and addiction loss. BRAVO!!! You're going to give us all a reason to give up carbs and caffeiene.

Lisa said...

Amen for reasons and for your ability to share.

Lucas said...

I LOVE that a-ha moment of discovering a reason for something. Love it when things click into place. And I also love that instead of crawling inward, like you stated you tend to do, your blog is exactly the opposite of that, you are reaching outward! And isn't that an amazing change? Smile, Draz. The sun is shining down on you!

Lucas said...

Oh! And OMG! ESPECIALLY LOVE the loss and the time without sugar and caffiene. CONGRATS!!! You are SO freaking strong, dude! Color me impressed!

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