Tuesday, July 20, 2010

The things I'll do for a pair of shoes and some jewelry.

Well my little muffins….today is a big day. There are 31 days until I go on vacation. My first real more than 3 days more than 100 miles from home vacation. Good God – saying that out loud almost makes me go into convulsions. Or maybe more correctly I should say 31 days until I enter Satan’s domain voluntarily. I don’t mean to sound like an ass but I’ve been with Rambo for 20 years and this is the first time I’m going anywhere with his mother for longer than a day – 7 days to be exact. She is not awful – BUT – come on. 7 days – with a mother-in-law, 20 hours of driving with 2 young girls…..and a husband saying I have limits to how many shoes and outfits I can pack….well….could it be more like Hell?

Anywhoozle….I shall be meeting all of Rambo’s relatives for the first time evah. Yes, the anti-social Draz wants to literally throw a tantrum and refuse to get out of the car when I get there rather than face meeting them and first impressions and what to say and hives and sweating and skyrocketing blood pressure…but I love Rambo and I’d walk to the ends of the Earth for him and this is important to him. I’m pretty sure I can get a few new outfits, some shoes and maybe even some jewelry out of it. And most of all – I come out of my shell even more. I live. I go on. I don’t regret. I show my girls you can face your fears….and you come out stronger in the end.

Okay and yes – in case I didn’t mention it – we’ll be in Louisiana……and um yah….I’ve been warned it should be well over 100 each day. We will be swimming a lot. Yes – that means bikinis my chickens. And let’s all just try to scare the shit out of ourselves right now by remembering not only will his whole extended family see me BUT immediate family gets to feast upon the goddess that is me…..cuz his brother and family are going and again, his mother and father. None of them have seen that much skin on me since – well – um never. And they are better off because of that. That all changes when the thermometer goes over 100. I don’t give a rat’s ass or anyone’s ass for that matter who sees me in a bikini at that point. They can shield their eyes if they must. They can run screaming from the pool too – that’s just more room for me to perform belly flops. I could care less.

Since mentally this trip is going to be exhausting due to the fact that I’m going to have to force myself to not be who I would normally be every day for 7 days…I will likely be exhausted physically and not feel great as in my stomach will feel like it’s on fire and I’ll probably get migraines. It would behoove (love that word) me to be in the best physical shape possible before this trip to help alleviate some of that. I need energy. Mentally I need to feel great about my body in that bikini…it can only help. Well, that and large amounts of Valium.

Sooooo – today starts Operation Detox Draz. Rambo is doing it with me. 31 days of detox. We will aim for anywhere between 500 and 1000 calories a day. We will be eating clean. Certain fruits, mainly chicken, certain veggies and only water. Sugar of no kind is allowed, nor is caffeine. Yup – I said it. Draz is going off caffeine today. I’ve wanted to for so long and now is the time. It’s going to be hell on Earth and I need your encouragement but I hate drinking soda. It’s pure sugar and has no nutritional value and I hate being addicted to the caffeine. I only drink 1 can a day but still – I am addicted. Getting off of it means headaches – which means migraines but I am ready. It needs to be over. I need to take the control back.

And yes – I know this detox is not super healthy or nutritional although it is all clean foods….I know I can’t maintain this low of cals forever but I can for 30 days. I can learn portion controls, I can cut sugar and caffeine and I can have a leaner body and a clearer head.

Rambo and I weigh in each morning and we cross out the days. I want to lose 20lbs and he wants to lose 30-40. Yes – all in this 31 days. We will not be majorly working out due to the fact that this low of calories probably can’t sustain a major workout. But we’ll see how we feel.

This can be done. I am motivated. Rambo is too. In a few days I’ll start reporting my daily weigh-ins….here’s hoping right?

Oh and if you want to hit me over the head with a bat and tell me I’ve gone over the deep end and I’m crossed over into obsessive…please don’t. Right now I just need smoke blown up my ass. All raindrops and encouragement and gumdrop farts amuck. Please…..instead of telling me what you really think promise me when you comment you’ll do so from CareBear Land…..where Draz is the smartest, hottest, funniest person you’ve ever known and you want to hump my leg on a daily basis.

Thank you….for the smoke blowing. I appreciate it.


Jacquie said...

Good luck to you and Rambo! I think anything is doable for 30 days...go for it girlfriend and blow those fu**ers away next month!

Leah said...

Draz, if I've learned anything from you, besides you being a bad ass motha f*cka, you can do anything you set your mind to!! With you already accomplishing so much... this will be like taking candy from a baby!! You can do this Draz!! You'll be even MORE sexier when this is all done!! Good luck to you and Rambo!! :)

Kara said...

Draz - I love your blog, but I have to say what you're doing is stupid unhealthy. 30 days of eating 500 calories? Do you want to burn lean muscle and leave yourself weak and tired? If you're going into a stressful situation the LAST thing you need to do is weaken your immune system and fatigue yourself by not getting enough nutrition.

If you lose 20 lbs in 30 days, I guarantee well over half of that will be muscle loss. It's DANGEROUS. As for your husband losing 30-40 lbs - I can only hope he doesn't wind up in the hospital.

Ice Queen said...

The only one who will be getting it
over the head with a bat is Rambo. The nerve of the man, limiting your packing! How dare he? Doesn't he understand that there are things a girl needs? That necessities are... Well... Necessities and must not have a limit imposed upon them?

If from the above diatribe you have acertained that "pack light" doesn't not figure in my vocabulary, you would be right. lol

Okay, while I don't normally support exceddingly low crash diet type calorie levels, since you are bound and determined to do it, I will give my grudging support. As long as you promise to take vitamins to help fill in where you are missing nutrients in your food and don't pass out and fall down a flight of stairs or something.

I can't understand giving up caffiene, tho. That is just crazy talk!

Kristin said...

Good luck with your Austerity Plan this month. These things are always easier when you have a partner in crime, so you and Rambo can buck each other up and smack each other when the going gets tough. STAY HEALTHY!! xoxo

Katie J said...

I would check with a doctor/nutritionist before cutting your calories that low. It is not a sustainable level IMHO.

Sooze said...

Bless your heart!!

Go for it! I know exactly what you mean about the physical and emotional drain this trip is going to have on you. Anything you can do to lessen that I say do it 110%

See how you feel day to day and adjust as needed - if needed.

Mark off those days AND the pounds!

Dearest knows better now than to allowance my shoes and wardrobe. :D I think you'll definitely deserve some new pieces after this though.


Joey said...

Whoa. Good luck! I did a detox for 10 days once. It was pretty harsh! You can do it!!!!

1reign said...

Draz, you are the smartest, hottest, funniest person I've ever known and before I read this post I was just hear at work thinking about humping your leg (coinkidink). Really I think if you pay attention to your body you can do anything for 30 days ONLY! I won't say anything else I'm gonna go back to my fantasy.

Alexis said...

Well shit. I should be doing the detox with you to get my ass back in gear.

Honey....7 days with the MIL ain't nothin'. Mine lived with us for SEVEN months and there is talk she may be back soon! Crap stick.

-Grace- said...

I know you and Rambo can do this! Just promise if you start to feel bad to bump up the calories a bit, mmkay?


Miss S. said...

I think if you bumped up the calories with extra veggies/fruits it would be okay. Just be careful-you don't want to drop 20 lbs & eat a piece of pie and have your shorts button become a projectile!

Nella said...

Oh yeah! I have faith in you and RAMBO!

Genie @ Diet of 51 said...

You and Rambo will rock this challenge. His relatives will adore you, and the whole reunion will be fabulously fun. Not just making this up. I really believe it.

DB said...

You can do this & you can't lose with that hunk of man Rambo by your side - hubba hubba!! By the way - they are going to love you in the Bayou girlfriend :)

Sam said...

Of course you can do it and you will rock at the detox, (but take your vitamins and remember to listen to your body)

And I am sure that in the next 31 days you will be able to talk that hunky man of yours to let you take more of the necessities with you... use your bath time wisely girl:)

Best of luck and keep us posted, look after yourself.

Bonnie said...

You and your hubby can definitely do it. I think doing it together will help too.