Tuesday, July 13, 2010

White melted Mexican orgasm in a bowl.

It’s a bullet kind of day….which goes well with my gun shooting blog from yesterday don’t you think? Yes, yes, I know I’m not as funny as I think I am.


• First, many of you asked what book I’m reading to prepare for my marathon. It is called the Non-Runner’s Marathon Trainer by David Whitsett. I told someone yesterday that even if I never do a marathon, the book will have been worth it for the mental strategies I’ve already learned.

• Today is shoe porn 5 inch heel day…and in honor of that I have a little tip for you. While walking around your house in 5 inch heels try to remember that you are taller with them on – cuz you will smack your head on the corner of the cupboard that normally you’ve never even seen in your daily shortness. Yes. I smacked my head this morning and then was all surprised like “How did that cupboard get there? Why have I never had to watch out for that before?” Idiot. 5 inch heels….indeed make you taller. Wow. And ouch.

• Um I’m a whore…and it’s fun. I totally seduced the husband the other night. I mean the man was like seconds away from snoring and wham, bam, thank you mam….enter me….and enter earth-shattering dessert. Yes. I’m completely aware none of you want to hear any of this. However, ME seducing him is quite rare…and I still can’t quite figure out why I did it. Newfound confidence maybe? Hmm…could be.

• A package arrived in the mail the other day. From California. I know no one from California….well except an Uncle who has been stoned on weed since the early 1980s so I’m pretty sure he can’t even hold a pen to write so it’s not from him. I open it. Shut the front door! It’s a book from Joey. Our Joey. And she even wrote me a little letter. I have framed said letter for when Joey becomes famous so some day I can pawn said letter for millions of dollars and retire….all courtesy of Joey. *Side note: I have begun reading this book – it scares the hell out of me. I’m sure I’ll blog about it later. It’s by Geneen Roth. It’s called When Food is Love. In CareBear Land I pretend I was overweight cuz I ate too much….and there’s nothing behind it other than that. Um…yah…probably not so much.

• Today is a big day. I’m going to disappoint and piss off my mother…again. You guessed it…I’m getting a tattoo. On my foot. A few colored ladybugs this time….and I’m nervous. This is how sick I am. I’m nervous it will swell so I won’t be able to work out. Wow. Insane huh? Well rest assured the other part of me is thinking, “Woohoo – I have a totally valid excuse NOT to work out!”

• I forgot to tell you all that this weekend when my best friend Jenny was here that she is as crazy as me and she proved it. We were in Cabela’s – the man/hunting/fishing store where the women stand around and tap their foot and roll their eyes obsessively saying “are you done yet” to their men. We saw a princess butterfly catching net. And yes, Jenny took it upon herself to “flit” about Cabela’s like a fairy pretending to catch butterflies – even flipping her little leg up each time she flitted like the proper fairies do. Any of you ever flitted? It’s fun – you should try it. Don’t ask me to define it. It’s what happens as soon as you pick up a princess butterfly catching net. I’ve never been more proud of my bestie than in that moment…lol.

• Also forgot to mention we ate at a Mexican joint. I always order beef and nachos with that liquid white cheese stuff on it. No one at our table knows the name of that stuff. I proceeded to ask the Mexican waiter. I say, “What is the name of that white liquid stuff that tastes like melted liquid cheese…and it’s white…and melted…and liquid…you know like cheese?” (Yes, I have such a way with words….I speak so eloquently huh?) First he flipped me off. Okay – no – but he wanted to. And ready? Here’s his answer. “It’s called “cheese sauce”.” I thought Jenny’s husband might fall off his chair. Cheese sauce? That’s it?? Are you freaking kidding me? It’s like a bowl of melted white heaven and you give me “cheese sauce”? Whatever. I’m sticking with my name for it – which is – white melted Mexican orgasm in a bowl. No – not as catchy as cheese sauce but still.

• Every Sunday I make all my breakfasts and lunches for the whole week at work. Well today I forgot my breakfast. Translation: You now have permission to go to the vending machine and buy a cookie for breakfast. Way to go Draz. Might as well go have the Pizza Hut buffet for lunch.

• Lastly – on my quest to face my fears and stop being so anti-social and afraid to live I want to report that over the last week I have successfully picked up the phone every time it has rung. I spontaneously invited friends over for pizza and did not suffer a heart attack. I even called a second friend to come too. I did not worry and obsess about Jenny coming on Saturday. I signed up for a free fitness class here at work which puts me WAY out of my comfort zone. I forced myself to do all these things…in an effort to not live in a prison….turns out I held the key the whole time. I was just too afraid to use it. And it turns out life is a hell of a lot more fun outside the prison walls….scary as hell….but so worth it.

PS - I Wish Wednesday can't come soon enough....I've been pissed off so many times in the last week that we should have two Wednesdays this week.  I'm just saying....you've been warned.  Anyone gonna join me this week?

31 comments:

Stephanie said...

"white melted Mexican orgasm in a bowl"

Does it say something about me that I think the cheese sauce sort of looks like someone actually HAD an orgasm in the bowl. Think about it...:)

Yes, I'm crude, crass and a perv, but I love me some "cheese sauce".

Jennifer said...

The cheese sauce is SO GOOD! Maybe THAT's why I was up 2 lbs. Hmmm

LMAO! Yeah, you were SOOOO proud of me that you hid your head in shame and said "I don't KNOW that person!!!!"

Fairies have all the fun though!

tessierose said...

I sooo know how to flit, it comes naturally to me! Love the post, you crack me up!

Amy said...

@Stephanie - HAHA! I love you!

Draz, I think it's called queso blanco. :) I could bathe in it daily!

Later Never Exists said...

Oh man, you are evil for putting thoughts of that yummy, wonderful, orgasmic white cheese sauce in my head.

I just call it White Queso or Queso Blanco as Amy said. And that stuff is the damn devil.

I'm convinced Heaven is going to be full of that and home made baklava....

Corletta said...

I love that you love your husband!! Also, I love the fact that you are getting out of your comfort zone and living!! That's HUGE...NO...not you silly!!! I'm proud of you mama!!!

MrsFatass said...

Phone showoff. Lordy be, I can't remember the last time I actually answered the phone when it rang. The anxiety has such a hold over me on that one I just gave up. It's not in me to answer the phone. So there.

Dazee Dreamer said...

omg, I so wish I would have been at Cabela's when you 2 were flitting around. Why do I miss all the good stuff!!!!!!

Gilly said...

This is my favourite blog you've ever blogged. "it's called...cheese sauce." HI-larious!

When I went to school across the bridge from Detroit, we used to go to Mexican Town over in Detroit...they had this thing called flaming cheese. It looked like vomit, but it was the BEST THING EVER!! I still dream about it. Your post made me think about it and now I am craving some. Evil!

Sandy Lee said...

You're a slut. Just saying. Jumping your hubs on a Monday night-unheard of. Now you have set the bar so high for the rest of us weekenders!

Can't wait to hear for I wish...

Kerri said...

I want to read that book! Maybe we could pass it along to everyone in the sisterhood! I nominate myself to get it when you are finished!!! Just sayin'! HEHEHE! Please let us know how it is!

Pamela E. Williams said...

LMBO@Stephanie...in light of Draz seducing her hubby on a Monday night and having queso...yeah I can picture that. I'm just as bad as you.

That cheese will make you commit a crime. ok going to get that book by Roth today. Evidently I need to read it.

Ice Queen said...

Bwahahaha! I thought the same thing Stephanie did. But I love me some nachos. IMO they are God's perfect food on Earth. *swoon*

I am so proud of you Draz! You are emerging from your chrysilis and becoming a butterfly. I am inspired by your determination to use that key.

I might do I Wish Wednesday, this week. I have a little bitching to do, myself. :D

Pie said...

Someone more enterprising than me should start a Sisterhood Book Swap. I HAVE SO MANY BOOKS! SO SO SO MANY DAMN BOOKS. Because prior to the band, the key to losing weight wasn't eating right and exercising, it was *reading* about eating right and exercising! Seriously, they're just sitting around collecting dust. So...many...books...

Also, mmm...cheese sauce.

DB said...

You had me at *melted* - Missed ya!

Angela Pea said...

LMAO!! Cheese Sauce!

Ooooh, you Hussie! On a Monday!

Hmmm...Thuursdays are ususally good, too, because Hubby is already thinking in his head (the big one) that he should probably wait until FRIDAY to celebrate surrviving another week at work and the kids are usually out with their friends on Friday evenings. You know, just in case you want to suprise him again...

karen said...

Draz you are such a slut - I like that about you. No excuse me while I whore myself out for some of that cheese

Nella said...

Definitely 2 wednesday's this week! Count me in baby!

amandakiska said...

I loved When Food is Love. Not so much with the new Geneen Roth book though.

Fiona said...

I can honestly say I may never eat cheese sauce again! But I'm with you on the Monday night sex, not literally!!!!! But it makes Mondays more bearable.
Pics of the tat please. Hope it went well.
Love you x oh and love the idea of book club even though I'm accross the pond.

workinprogress said...

Good for you for going out of your comfort zone - that's awesome!!

And I agree - that white, melted cheese is YUM!!!

workinprogress said...

Good for you for going out of your comfort zone - that's awesome!!

And I agree - that white, melted cheese is YUM!!!

Bonnie said...

I am so hungry. Mushies can't come soon enough.

Sam said...

OMG you crack me up.

Glad to see you are grabbing life by the balls and just going for it.

Cindylew said...

Geneen Roth was just on the Oprah show yesterday...I think it was a re-run but I think my Tivo was trying to tell me something. I get it and I totally understand that it's not physical hunger we're feeding but they keep seeming to fall short on giving us any answers. It's like there's this secret that they know and won't tell us...or perhaps I'm just not evolved enough to figure it out...but that certainly can't be it!

Carmen said...

umm...yeah....stephanie totally stole what i was going to say!! geez.....you know that in chicago she and i are going to be the ones finding dirtiness in everything everyone says right? LOL

oh and FYI just yesterday i saw that tostitos has a new sauce in a jar...monterery jack something or other, but it is a white cheese sauce....if you don't have it there let me know & i'll send you a jar. mainly because i want to be just like joey and send you something :-)

1reign said...

I love love love me some queso, I could definitely take it in a i.v. drip. I am glad you are coming out of your shell because everyone should get to see that awesomeness we get to see daily. Although I could be totally selfish and hog you for selfish reasons.

MLM said...

This post just cracked me up! especially late at night after a long day when I am so cranky..only problem is now all I can think about is cheese dip (as I call it)..it is indeed a block of white cheese put in the micro...i love it at home down south..it does NOT exist in NYC (or that I have found)..i have spent many times dreaming about that dip..haha! thanks for the laughs (there were multiple!)

Lucas said...

Wow! We were just flitting along with butterfly nets, husband jumping and orgasmic cheese and then BAM you just it us with all that HUGE stuff at the end about your anxiety. Sounds like some fairly major progress there Draz. I'm impressed and proud. :) YAY for you!!!

And MAN are you one giant sack of crazy! I mean you are really nutburgers.......Yeah, about as much as the rest of us, actually but I really love reading about your anxiety. I have just a tad of my own but for other reasons...and I am extrovert extraordinaire (when I'm not seeking silence in the ICU). Thanks for sharing with such honesty.

Sooze said...

Ooooh beef nachos. Thank heavens the mexican place is closed right now.

Liz - Lizzle - Libby Lou said...

I love the orgasm in a bowl! Bet ya it'd sale more if they actually named it that too!

So I wrote down those two books, I've gotta check 'em out!