Thursday, July 1, 2010

You hurt me still.

This weekend is Independence Day - parties will be hosted and fireworks will be going off everywhere.
I will watch and I will party too but there’s always this nagging thought that something isn’t there.

I see the bright colorful explosions and I hear the boom but in my head it turns into a gunshot.
Pretty sick that my last memory of you is a bullet….pretty sad that it’s the only thing I’ve got.

Drunk and 22 – you sat and took your own life and you killed a part of me that day.
I was only 15 and suicide wasn’t in my vocabulary and I wasn’t sure I’d ever be okay.

I used to be sad…but now I’m angry….because now I have two beautiful girls you’ll never meet.
All I can tell them is what I knew of you…and the words are laced with tears and they come out bittersweet.

I doubt you really meant to die…I can’t imagine your desperation or your internal pain.
I doubt you understand the hole you threw me into…I doubt you realize I nearly went insane.

The thought of you leaving with a simple bullet to your chin without even saying goodbye…
Is something I just can’t forgive you for no matter how much time passes or how hard I try.

I needed you dammit….why did you pretend to be my hero if all you wanted to do was die?
Why be my father figure if you were going to kill yourself and never tell me why?

I get your pain. I get your sorrow. I have been there too….courtesy of you.
But I got through the pain and I conquered the sorrow….I think you could have too.

But now we’ll never know – because you chose the easy way out.
I can say that because I know that living is harder without a single doubt.

I have two little girls who could have been the light in your eyes.
Now they only know of the Uncle who makes their Mommy cry.

Damn you for that….for keeping a tear in my eye and an ache in my heart…yes still.
I can’t stop hating you and I can’t stop loving you – and I doubt I ever will.

I go back to that 4th of July – and I am there and you never pull that trigger.
Though I have to believe you are happy now and that life is actually about something bigger.

It is about going on through the darkness, and it’s about staying here to live - not to die.
I guarantee I could have saved you, if only you’d have let me….but you didn’t even let me try.

So you sit in your Paradise with not a worry or a care…and I am here…still picking up the pieces.
Trying to explain how someone can die of their own will….to your two adorable great-nieces.

I hope you got what you wanted and I hope you understand that I still can’t let go..
And I hope you regret just a little and that you feel my tears every time they still flow.

Because they do flow, and they probably always will….
Because even this many years later – you hurt me still.

30 comments:

Island Bandit said...

I'm a new follower so you don't know me at all, so i hope this isn't weird, but

{{{{{{{{{{hug}}}}}}}}}}}}}

1reign said...

Speechless...

Sarah said...

Wow Draz... beautiful poem... thinking of you and sending hugs and prayers.

Pamela E. Williams said...

No comment in the world can ease the pain that you have experience. Know that we are here for you anytime and any place. I think your courage to write and share this with mere strangers is a compliment and testiment to who you are as a survivor. Your daughters are so blessed to have you as there mom.

Love you much....I'm still sitting here processing. This has taken me for a loop for real.

Barbara said...

Come on over here Draz.. so I can give you a big ole hug.. keep that chin up .. you are a warrior..

Carmen said...

love you!

xoxo

Sandy Lee said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sandy Lee said...

Me again. But this time to give you a big {{{{HUG}}}}.

Your girls can still know the good in their great uncle by your stories and pictures. He may be gone but we can see he is still in your heart. And it all shaped you into the wonderful person you are today. And you are one of the best. Where would us bloggers be if not for your posts the good, the bad, the hilarious and the ugly. We loves you!!!
(sorry about the delete above-it published before I had finished).

tessierose said...

That was so touching. You have a real gift, one I'm sure that can only come from such life changing experiences. I have loved people who took their own lives too, only God knows truly why. I wish you only peace my dear! Love you!

LauraLynne said...

you are one tough cookie. *hugs*

Ice Queen said...

There is so much I want to say, but it keeps coming out sounding stupid. So I am just going to tell you that I understand. And gather you into a warm hug.

MrsFatass said...

No words. Just wanted you to know that I came, I read, I appreciated.

rskmom said...

((hugs)))

Liz - Lizzle - Libby Lou said...

WOW sweetie, that really sucks! Sorry you had to go through that. I hope you will be ok this weekend and enjoy your babies and what the holiday stands for. I'm sorry this holiday brings you such sorrowful memories. :( ***hugs***

DB said...

Beautiful and painful at the same time - - - {{{HUGS}}} to you sweetie.

DB said...
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DB said...
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Marie said...

I"m so sorry for your pain. I felt it in every word of that beautiful and haunting poem.
I truly relate - living is definitely harder sometimes. That's why we need our sense of humor and friends.

Kim said...

Wow Draz....Hugs

Cheeseburger Girl said...

A thousand hugs to you for being here and sharing.
You are loved and appreciated.

Genie @ Diet of 51 said...

Oh, Draz, that's so sad. I somewhat feel that way about my brother who was shot to death because he was in such a bad neighborhood. Why did he think it was OK to go there? It was such a dangerous place to be. Can't blame the victim if he wasn't doing anything wrong, but still not a good decision.

We are now at the half-way point of the year, but what if my family could start it over and undo this? I didn't hear the actual gunshot, but I've heard it in my mind many times. So sad.

HUGS, indeed. Sorry that it's a sad anniversary for you.

Cindylew said...

Sending you all of my love wrapped up in a big squishy hug. Try and remember the good times...even if only for a few days...you deserve some peace.

amandakiska said...

My family has been affected by two suicides so I can relate. I wish I couldn't!

Thanks for sharing your experience! Someday you need to write for a bigger audience than this one. You are very talented and have a unique perspective.

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Sam said...

{{{HUGS}}}

I am sort of glad I can't relate to the feelings you are going through. But I am sending all my sympathetic vibes and hugs your way.

karen said...

{{{{{{{Big HUgs}}}}}}

Susans Journey To Stay Fit said...

This is a very powerful if sad post. Thank you for writing it it helps me understand what my friend Cathy must feel every year around this time because her brother committed suicide nobody saw it coming we never do...

I hope some day you can find or make peace with this with Gods help you can...

Lucas said...

Wow. Just wow.

Jess said...

Very touching!

{{{smooches}}}

MLM said...

what a powerful yet painful poem..I can't even imagine the pain..thank you for sharing this and being so exposed..