Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Goats, skittles and beds.......yup....all in one post.

Hello my little goat turds.

Not an insult. Seriously – ever seen goat turds? They look like blueberries…only you shouldn’t eat them.

Speaking of goats….here’s a fascinating fact I bet you didn’t know (except for Jenny). Before my parent’s home flooded they had 3 white goats. They lived on the hill behind the house and kept the weeds down. Two were swept away in the flood. One lived. It still lives….there….at the flooded house. It thinks it is in paradise. It eats every plant that was forbidden to it before. It goes in the kitchen, in the bathroom, upstairs, downstairs….hangs out….with his homies…the raccoons and chipmunks. He’s like the Daddy Pimp of the homestead…with his own pimped out house to live in. Until FEMA tears it down. We get about a call a month saying, “Did you know your goat is still down there at the flooded house?”

No shit really? OMG we better lock up the house so it doesn’t get inside and ruin anything the looters haven’t gotten already. Wow.

I bet you feel better about life in general after learning this fact. Yes?

Fine…moving on. I talked to Jenny (BFF) two days in a row – like real talk – on the phone. Here’s how I can explain that little moment in my day. To all of you coffee drinkers who say your day isn’t right without it and you function about 75% without it…well that’s how I feel about Jenny’s phone calls. She’s my coffee. She takes my function “life will be alright” meter up to 100%. There’s nothing like taking turns comparing who has the crazier family…and saying have a good day to someone I love and hearing it back knowing she means it.

Okay and lastly, yours truly is still sitting at 160. Blech. Whatever. I want a 5 dammit. If I have to go all ghetto on my scale’s ass I will. I have not cheated. In fact, dare I say I might not be eating enough? You guys – seriously – and I’m not even just blowing smoke up your shrinking asses - I am not hungry.

Now let’s all reflect and remember the last time Draz wasn’t hungry. Oh yes, in the womb and oh yes, on my death bed from depression. Dudes – even when I was in my 24th hour of labor with no pain meds…I’m pretty sure I could have ordered a pizza. I don’t understand this new thing called “not hungry”.

I think of eating. I have packed enough to feed a monster after all. But it isn’t calling to me. Food ALWAYS calls to me. Food ALWAYS has the power. I guess I could care less now. There is no limit on the allowed choices I can eat so I guess it’s like if I can have it what’s the big deal…I’ll wait until I’m hungry.

That sounds so stupid huh? But listen, my food overeating history goes way back to when I was a little girl. We were poor but I was still hungry….go figure. There was never enough and if there was leftovers – that was for my Dad. I never felt full. Never enough. Just never enough. So years later when I grew up and had money coming out of my ass (we had no kids once upon a time) I ate what I wanted when I wanted cuz I could….cuz there was finally enough and no one could tell me I couldn’t.

Now I can eat what I want when I want – the diet even says so. Turns out that little tidbit plus the fact that I’m seriously not hungry add up to no cheating. If someone stuck a Milky Way in front of me I’m 99% sure I’d turn it down. I know I would. It’s just not worth it at this point…especially if this diet ends up stopping my migraines. I feel like I’m on some 12 step process and everywhere I go I say “It has been 7 days since I’ve been sober….from sugar.” I carry it like some badge. Someone get me a medal or trophy or something.

So yes, please all of you get down on your knees like the good little ho bags you are….that was my pathetic attempt at a sort of sexual joke….did you get it?.....anyway – and pray that Draz sees a 15something tomorrow.

For now, I’m off to bathe in a rainbow Skittles….just cuz I like the way they feel on my naked exfoliated, yet still razor burned body….NOT cuz I’m gonna inhale without chewing half of them.

I’m too full. Who needs Skittles anyway?

Oh oh and tonight operation empty daughter’s room continues. Only the bed is left. Rambo and I shall conquer that tonight…it could be fun.


amandakiska said...

I'm sending 15_ vibes your way!

Ms. Chunky Chick said...

I am so happy or you! being not hungry is amazing yes so foreign to me. Congrats on getting the daughters room almost empty! Much love momma pimp...prying that a 5 pops up on your scale tomorrow

Heather said...

Definately sending 15_ vibes. I am glad to hear that the sugar detox is going well. I have went off sugar and I tried a candy bar the other day and couldn't understand how one could eat the foul tasting thing. One bite and I was done... ewww! Maybe you will hit that point!?

Cindylew said...

I'm thinking 158 tomorrow morning buttercup.

Sandy Lee said...

I so wish I could feel like that right now. I just made peanut butter cookies and now my band is crying. I know I shouldn't have but I'm addicted to sugar. Gotta get off it. You are doing so great. And I loved the goat story. Happy Happy little goat. Bet is is having a hay day (ha ha-get the food analogy)!

OK, so now you are beating my butt with weightloss. I gotta catch up buttercup. But I still drink coffee, cause I love the taste.

Kristin said...

Not hungry. Food unappealing. This is a foreign concept to me. I just can't identify, like when Paris Hilton complains that it's tough to be a skanky heiress.

I'm with Cindylew - 158 or bust tomorrow!

DiZneDiVa said...

Not hungry is a new concept to all of us... It is still a weird sensation to me, I'm like "When did I eat last?"....So friggin' weird!*Maria*-Blogger from "This one time at BAND Camp..." Check out my blog at mybigfatbandgeeklife.blogspot.com

Sam said...

Goats living it up.

Phone call caffine shots.

Weird non-hungry freaky people.

And nearly finishing a task that has been causing you emotional stress lately.

WOW you are doing great. There is the roar we all know and love.

Glad to see things are starting to clear up over the land of Drazil.

Sam said...

Goats living it up.

Phone call caffine shots.

Weird non-hungry freaky people.

And nearly finishing a task that has been causing you emotional stress lately.

WOW you are doing great. There is the roar we all know and love.

Glad to see things are starting to clear up over the land of Drazil.

Fiona said...

158! 158! 158! just keep chanting. Hey maybe if we all keep chanting it will be true? I cannot imagine what not hungry feels like. The only time I'm not hungry is when I've already enough to feed a small village. If I ever get there I will shout it from the roof tops. Well done honey x