Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I feel dirty....so you have to join me......

Apparently it’s been way to long since I discussed something I despise…blame Stephanie. Seriously – did you all read her post about how someone pooped in the sink where she works? Oh yah – clean up the soda you just spit out onto your computer and read it again. You did not mis-read. I said someone pooped in the sink.

Now I have of course told Stephanie she’s never allowed to post something like that again (she hid it at the bottom of her post so I was happily reading along and then BAM – shock!) without properly warning those of us who nearly vomit at the sight of the P word.

For some stupid reason I keep thinking about it though. I guess I’m reminded every time I go pee and see shit everywhere and pubes hanging AGAIN. I find myself grateful about my bathroom for the first time ever…because all the poop and pubes are IN the toilet…not the sink.

Beyond the grossness of it all – I just can’t stop wondering – how the hell does one accomplish this? If you told me today – at my svelte (I kid) 160 lbs to go poop in our sink – I wouldn’t be able to. I don’t think I can bend that way. Now how about when I used to weigh 226…um I woulda broke the sink. I’m not kidding. There are only a few bolts that hold that thing into the wall you know?

And what about speed? I mean I’m assuming a man did this….sue me…it’s just not something I want to imagine a girl doing. But anywhoozle – no man I know can do this in less than say 30 minutes…and I’m assuming in this case you’d wanna hurry or be caught with your pants down – literally. Is doing this fast even possible for a member of the male species? I guess so.

So let’s say this student was a skinny kid and very limber. Fine. How did he get up there? There aren’t step stools or chairs in our bathroom. But let’s say he climbed like the creepy monkey he is and he’s up there.

At this point – is he naked? Did he pre-plan and take his pants off before climbing – so while he’s climbing his junk is swinging to and fro? If not, how in the hell do you take your pants off while you’re ON the sink? And how do you squat on a sink? How big is this sink? I mean I’ve had to pee in entire forests before and I’ll be damned if every time I didn’t get some drip of pee on me and the entire woods was my target. This guy had one tiny sink to aim at ….how is this possible?

I’m gonna vote he was naked before he crawled up there. Which only brings to mind the fact that some person left their clothes on the floor of a bathroom – and then put them back on – against his skin – on purpose. My God – I’m getting the dry heaves typing this.

So yah okay – let’s say he does his thing….now where is the damn toilet paper??? Oh – it’s OVER THERE next to the toilet! Novel idea. I guess that’s also because you’re supposed to shit over there. Probably why there aren’t toilet paper dispensers next to the soap dispenser by the sink.

I’d break my neck getting down. And you all know damn well on my quest to get down - my foot would slip and inevitably land right in my own shit.  It would serve me right but still....

And you know what else? This means said person could NOT wash their hands after so politely using the restroom….you know, cuz the sink is full.

My luck I’d walk out and my boss would be in line to come in. I might as well stick a pink flag in my “load” saying….Draz was here.

And this is funny how? I’m not a prude – I love a prank as well as the next guy but my God in Heaven I can’t fathom first thinking of this and then actually doing it. And if you do it you’re gonna wanna brag about it right? I’m not sure I could get the words out without my head spinning like I’m possessed.

And then when my brain is done going into convulsions over the logistics of this….I’d start sobbing….for the janitor.

I mean how does one clean this? For realz. With a spatula? Their hand with mittens on? A bucket? A fork? A shop-vac?  Do you blow dry it and hope it melts?

Then when it’s out – do you use 18 rolls of paper towels and 16 cans of bleach to clean the remnants off the sink and still vow to yourself you can never pee in this bathroom as long as you live again? Do you put it in a trash can? A purse? A ziploc? What? I mean what do they make out there to hold a pile of shit…….besides diapers? Do you obviously resign the next day and file workman’s comp for emotional distress?

And when you go home that night and the wife asks, “How was your day dear?”….won’t it be fun to respond….”It was nothing but a bunch of bullshit.”….and mean it?

I feel dirty. I gotta go shower.

I get my horror of poop honestly. Like I said Rambo works in a prison – and you guys cannot even imagine the things a human locked in a tiny cell for 24 hours a day can do with poop….including throw it at my husband, smear it on the walls and yes – even eat the corn out of it. I’m not making this “shit” up. See? My fears are valid right?


kagead said...

I didn't leave this comment on Steph's original post, but it is so fitting here:

A couple years ago, somebody smeared poop all over one of the elevators in my apartment building. It was EVERYWHERE and the poor maintenance guys had to clean it. After that, they put cameras in all the elevators.

Who would even THINK of that, much less DO it? It boggles my mind.

LauraLynne said...

so much for lunch.

People are gross. *shudder*

-Grace- said...

I'm literally doing the wheezy laugh in my cubical right now while crying, clapping and cackling.

Holy crap. This is too funny. I'm glad someone else wondered about the "Phantom Pooper" could have accomplished this "feat."

Roxie said...

I'm totally skeeved right now.

And I just get pissed off when people here don't flush.

TracyZ said...

Seriously, the people at work think I am totally nuts. I just laughed my ass off all the while trying to pretend that I wasn't cracking up.

I knew you were going to have something to say about the poop in Steph's sink!

MandaPanda said...

Oh my freakin' God!! I missed the original post but this absolutely cracked me up. That is so disgusting but you're... forensic... description of how it might done was hilarious!

Diz said...

I'm guessing the person pooped earlier in the day...in, say, a canister of sorts (pringles can?) and dumped it in the sink...I mean, if I were going to drop something in the sink, that's how I'd do it. SICK. Someone is sick and twisted- who the hell does something like that? I'm glad I don't work with Stephanie- must be an awful place to work if people are starting to act out using their bodily desecrations...

Stephanie said...

If I can clarify a few things, this was not a poop previously done elsewhere and transported. It was obviously done IN the sink. Just so you know, it is a dual sink, so there is still hope they washed their hands and they DID cover it with a paper towel. THAT being said, when we first hear about it, I immediately joked that me and the other two fat women on the floor had an iron clad alibi as there is no way logistically possible for us to hoist ourselves up there, even if we wanted to. Sorry to hijack your message but I KNEW these questions would come up, cause I knew you, Draz, would not let this go without a mention!! LOL

Stephanie said...

A few more things, your write up was hysterical. You made this something to lauch about and lord knows, us in the office are still wondering who we pissed off!!

What makes it worse though, and you can stop reading ehre, Draz, is that when it happened 2 other times (once in the sink and once smeared ALL over the toilet), one of my COWORKERS actually cleaned it up. I freakin' kid you not. She didn't call security or facilities, but cleaned up some random strangers crap-a-doodle-do on her own. Without gloves. Needless to say, me and my boss/friend were mortified and quite reasonably disgusted.

tessierose said...

Un-holy crap!

AmeyinIdaho said...

O.M.G!! You know when you're laughing so hard that no sound comes out, you can't breathe, your eyes water and you're holding your ribs because they hurt so bad and your back is cramped up??

Yea...that's me reading this!! Two co-workers asked if I was ok. No shit! (ha ha get it?? LOL).

Oh Draz! I knew you wouldn't be able to let this go. Thank you for the laugh. I love you!!

Kristen said...

This cracked me up. Gross...but funny nonetheless. Thank you for the laugh. And yes...I feel dirty with you now. Im not sure if someone else said this...but maybe they did it in the toilet then picked it up and dropped in the toilet. Ewww. Either way they couldnt wash their hands. Grosss.

Anyways, thank you for the gross humor.

Bonnie said...

My brother used to smear his poo when he was two. I suspect he's behind all this.

Southern Belle said...

All I can think about is swinging junk and what happens if the balls hit the cold sink and then they would clench up and it would take even longer to finish the job. The mad pooper strikes again.

Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

OMFG... laughed til I cried & my chest hurt. Had to catch my breath so I could type, lol. Holy crap, the mental picture you draw is fantastic... in a "I wanna hurl" sorta way. :)

Sparkler said...

Just when I thought this post couldn't get any more gross...you had to go and mention the sweet corn! Up until then I could hold it together, but that image nearly made me toss my cookies...I swear I can almost taste it...eeeerrrrggghh...I'll never look at corn nibblets the same way again.

Angela said...

Literally laughing out loud at work. OMGoodness too funny.

Thank you for adding me. I am loving the support I am finding on these blogs.

Have a blessed day!

Miss Vickie "The Queen Bee" said...

Still laughing all by myself at home! Hysterical! Only you can write a post like this. BTW, thank you for your sweet, kind words on the BOOBS page. I was traveling to NY that day and I didn't see it until yesterday. I can't wait to meet you!

Yani said...

nasty!!lol but Draz u will be surprises I just to work at this places and the nasty one leaving poop in the bathroom was one of the boss and she was a female!!! nasty lol

loveeeeeeee ur blog!!! and i just star it my own no to long ago i can used some people please please go check me out and see sorry im getting the hint of blogging and writing in english but i want people to fallow me :0( take care oxoxox

Liz - Lizzle - Libby Lou said...

H-I-L-A-R-E!!!! You covered all the things I could've possibly thought! I love it!