Wednesday, August 4, 2010

I Wish Wednesday...

It’s I Wish Wednesday in Care Bear Land today…..I think it’s gonna be a doozey.

1. I wish I didn’t sweat like a large boar. Yes, I said large boar. Dudes – I’m not kidding. I am a sweat-er. Not sweater like in pretty little cashmere sweater to wear I mean like sweat-er like a dripping professional wrestler. Do any of you sweat excessively? It is not fun. I can sit at my desk (my office is always hot which doesn’t help) and feel sweat drip down my back – it’s disgusting. I usually have armpit sweat marks – but I recently found deodorant at Walmart for like $8 a bottle (yes, it’s worth it) and it has almost completely stopped that problem. YAY! It doesn’t help that I’m nervous a lot – so it’s worse in social situations but man it’s annoying. When I run/work out – I love it. A good sweat means I worked hard. In the career world – not so much. Bleh. But it really doesn’t matter….

2. I wish I wasn’t panicking about vacation and I hope Jenny keeps repeating to me that I’ll be fine. The first one. The longest one. Away from home (we’ve established I’m a home body). With people I’ve never met before. With the mother-in-law. You should see the lists I’m making and preparing. You should be in my mind listening to me mentally prepare myself. “You can do this. It will be fun. Go with the flow. Enjoy. Relax. Work won’t stop without you. You’ll be with Rambo and your girls every second. Take the risk. Take the XANAX!” I know to many of you vacations are normal and they are looked forward to. I am excited but I’m scared to death. But it really doesn’t matter…..fear has nothing on me.

3. I wish that I would have hit 158 today just to show all my commenters that their chanting and praying worked. It sort of worked. I saw a FIVE. 159.5. I haven’t seen a five since 2008 – pre-tummy tuck. Wowsers. No cheating, no caffeine, no sugar. What the holy hell has gotten into me? Draz is going into convulsions cuz he’s never allowed me to stop talking negative long enough to actually succeed like this and Sheniqua….welll….she’s only got 9.5 lbs left on her until I reach ultimate goal. She’s scerrrred! Anyone want her when I’m done with her? I’ll sell her…cheap…..maybe even free.

4. I wish I didn’t shut myself off to my 9 year old daughter – simply because she’s so much like me that it panics me. She’s scared, emotional, loving, sensitive, and needs attention – just like I did when I was little. I never got that. I am me because of that neglect. And now – I fear – I’m doing the same to her because facing who she is and remembering is too painful. I have recognized this. I am fighting it. I am doing my best to give more and be more to her because when I do her spirit lights up. I’m doing everything I can not to hate myself for passing on my traits to her. I’m trying to believe it’s not my fault. I’m trying to know her story won’t end the same way as mine. I’m trying to stop fearing she’ll fight the same demons I did. When I cry about this Rambo says, “If she fights those same demons, we’ll know faster and better than your mom did because we know the signs….and she’ll be okay.” And he hugs her tighter and tell her he loves her one more time….in case I can’t.

5. I wish used to be flooded floors painted themselves. I wish furniture – heavy ass furniture – moved itself to said used to be flooded room. But *sigh* - doing it ourselves brings much internal pride….and much more sweat.

6. I wish this weekend goes well. We have social outings planned for each day. Huge festival in town. Major family party complete with a band. Parades and games. Every day will be tons of fun….and internal angst. But less than ever before because I’m the new me…and the new me has proven I can do anything and live through it.

7. I wish Jenny lived next door. Period. Next. Fricking. Door. Before I’d go to all these social events she’d pre-approve my outfit, tell me I look hot and then say “you can do this”. And I’d believe her. My blood pressure wouldn’t spike. I wouldn’t get hives. It’d be that simple.

8. I wish I had been a better commenter this week. I’m reading but not commenting. I know that’s terrible. I know. And I’m sorry – I’ll do better.

What do you wish?


tessierose said...

1. I'm a sweater too, but a head sweater, can't hide that, can't put fancy $8 deodorant on your head!
2. You'll be in my neck of the woods, send me a message, I'll rescue you!
3. one fifty anything is the bomb! On leg weighs that on me!
4. Recognizing this is huge, you're on the right track.
5. Ditto, floods suck.
6. You've got this, smile, smile and smile!
7. Don't we al!
8. You get a hall pass on this one, you are like the best commenter ever, don't sweat it, get the $8 deodorant out and have a good day!

tessierose said...

I wish I had corrected all those typos before I hit the button, oops!

Ice Queen said...

Again... I wish that you would lighten up on yourself. Seriously. The fact that you can see your flaws in your treatment of your daughter and that you are working very hard to change them and to give her even more love, see to the things that need even more attention tells me that you are deeply tuned in to her. That you want to be a fantastic mom to her and that you actually are. I would be concerned if you didn't care, worry and stress yourself that perhaps you were doing something wrong. Not seeing. Not caring. Now, those are big, fat red flags of bad parenting. I am not seeing those red flags in you. So, try to relax a little, lean on Rambo and his ability to bridge and smooth for the two of you, love her, see her needs and keep doing your best. It really will be okay! *hug*

Jenny is right, you know. You are a hot mama. (And no... I am not talking about the sweat. ;))

Some weeks you comment. Some weeks you receive comments. That is one thing I love so much about this bloggy community. There are times when I just need to read and absorb comments and support and feel them and let them wash over me and make things all a little better. And sometimes I run around like a madwoman, commenting like crazy and giving it all back. So stop feeling guilty. You will be back in yap mode, before you know it.

Leah said...

I know what you mean about sweating Draz... I sweat like no tomorrow too... and I live in Texas with no A/C for my car and I drive about 25 miles to work and 25 miles from work with no A/C... yeah, that is not a pretty site when I get out of the car! lol

Way to go at being 159.8 though!! That's amazing!! You're still doing it, and still can do it!! And everything for the Vacation is going to be fine Draz!! You can do this, I mean, look at what you've accomplished so far!! You've done amazing things. We all get knocked off (more like shoved off) the wagon, let our demons scare the hell out of us and turn us into someone we're not... but in a few days time we're right back up kick some ass and taking names!!

And I understand what you're going through with your daughter... It's hard to break a cycle when that's all you knew growing up, but luckily you do have Rambo there to help you, and you will break the cycle... You are strong, beautiful, and extremely intelligent, you will find a way.

I hope your weekend goes well indeedy and it shall!! Stay positive and we are all staying positive for you!! And don't worry about the commenting, everyone has times where they read but don't comment, sometimes you don't know what to say or you're just not up to it... either way as long as you read, that's all that matters... you're listening to what people have to say and you take it in, that's amazing!!

Well, it seems like you're doing better this week and I hope that stays that way for you!! Love you Draz!! :)

Deborah said...

I wish I weighed 159.5!

Mary said...

My husband is a sweat-er, too. He got a prescription that is a roll on gel or something that helps to dry out his sweat glands. The doc just says their over active. He only has to use it about once a month and he's good! Congrats on the 150's!! That is so exciting, you'll be at goal in no time!

Jennifer said...

I wished I lived there too. I'd have you AND cheese curds everyday! What more could a girl need?

Oh, and I wish that the mail lady who uses the hall bathroom would push her used hand towels all the way into the trash bin. EVERY DAY for 2 months, she's left them half sticking out of the lid. It's the type that has a dome top and a little door that you push in. She is too lazy to push it in all the way.

Pamela E. Williams said...

Chicago will come and go and you will have the grand time. You know you are THE SOCIAL BUTTERFLY!! Even though you think you're not. Everybody gonna want to meet Draz. Heck I want to and I'm not even going to Chicago. Congrats on the WL too!!

On the topic of your daughter. Take it one day at a time. You will get her through it because you recognize whats going on. Your love will help her. Take it slow.

((((HUGGS & ♥♥♥s))))

Scuttleboose said...

I swear all the time, even more when I am cold - it is a symptom of PCOS :( In fact, I only wear black shirts during the summer (talk about fashion!) because the pit stains aren´t as noticeable. And I WISH I did not have to deal with this forever!

Kim said...

I am an excessive sweater as well. My dermatologist diagnosed it as hyperhydrosis. I take medicine and I don't sweat. It's awesome!!

Nella said...

I wish you all the best!

Danielle said...

Oh, god, I'm a sweat-er, too. And to make it worse, all the deodorant here in NZ is either a spray (I always end up inhaling half of it somehow!) or roll-on (I don't like the idea of putting something wet onto my armpits to stay dry). The "good stuff" - normal, stick deodorant - is non-existant or about $20 each. *sigh*

I wish:
- for my new job to go well. My boss took a big risk promoting me and I want to prove it was a good choice.
- I was in better shape. I can't do 1 push-up. That's pathetic! I'm working on this, though...
- gyms were cheap. Oh, and fresh fruits/veggies were cheap. Hell, I wish all the things that were GOOD for you were cheap. Or free. Ok, maybe just cheap. (You can't be too demanding, right?)
- my family lived here. I miss being able to visit them, hug them and just spend time with them.

Cindylew said...

I too wish Jen lived right next door to you and that I lived across the street from you two little cupcakes.

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

#4 We* all think that way. It scares us to death. It makes us angry. We want to cry about it.

The truth is that I am aiming for accepting. Her and me. That we're doing our best and we have our limitations. I was emotionally neglected. But I know that acceptance would have helped. And understanding. Even if that adult was still unavailable in ways that I needed.

Because no one human can be everything for any other human. It's impossible. So it's okay not to be able. She'll get it.

*you know who 'we' are

Carmen said...

i wish that i lived across the street from you and jenny :-)