Monday, August 16, 2010

It's a touchy subject.......regarding cats...and turkeys.

Like for real….touchy. And it’s Mrs. Fatass's fault because of  this post. My lovely friend inspires me to write these ever meaningful blogs…..well, actually what I mean is she writes about something and then I can’t stop thinking about it and it scares the sh*t out of me…so I end up writing about it. Gotta love her.

Okay so Mrs. Fatass recently was caught in the act by her son. Now by the in the act I do mean in. the. act. Like dessert as I like to call it. Like the ultimate embarrassment (though my parents never seemed to try to hide it). And as any good parent would do – she freaked out – and then blogged about it….and left us all with the wonderful public service announcement – REMEMBER TO SHUT THE DAMN DOOR. Ha!

Seriously though – it is scary. I mean I have MANY memories of my parents, the nymphos and let me tell you – it scared the living hell out of me but I never said a word. My brother didn’t either. My sister actually went in there and said something…and has regretted it ever since. They just didn’t give a crap about shutting the door….or um, being discreet or quiet. Wowser. Excuse me while I go throw up – I’ll be back.

Okay enough of that…I’m getting hives. Anywhoozle…so this has not yet happened to me BUT now Mrs. Fatass has me scared it will. Both my daughters are now upstairs – only feet away from my room…one within eye’s view if she stood just right in her room. She is 9….which means she ain’t stupid and things could get tricky. And because I am the scarred daughter of my parents – I indeed give a crap about how this all goes down.

Here’s the thing though – at 4 my youngest daughter will believe anything I say. Anything. So when I tell her mama has to shut her door so she can talk with the Care Bears about what to have for supper before we go ride unicorns…she’ll say “okay” and hop off to play in the magical world that 4 year olds exist in. *God I want to live there.*

The 9 year old is 9 – going on 30…and like I said - she ain’t stupid. Life would be easier if she was. She can’t help it her mother is a genius and she inherited my traits. *Gag right?*

We shut the door for the first time last night knowing full well the daughter is still awake. No biggie. This is what parents have done through the centuries (except for mine dammit). Which makes me wonder – back in the day when people lived in caves or huts – how the hell did that work? There weren’t any doors…can you imagine?? Gives me the heebiejeebies just thinking about it. I imagine it went like this:

“Tonto – go stick bones in your ears and cover your eyes with that tiger skin and pray your mama is quick tonight.”

“No thanks Dad – I’d rather hunt down a sabertooth in my bare feet without a spear…in the dark…with one hand tied behind my back.”

See my friends – this is why they were such good hunters. They were just trying to get out of the damn cave….and there’s not much else to do after sunset outside….

Okay – back to my house….now this is the part where I wanted to smack my friend Mrs. Fatass for blogging so eloquently….cuz dessert was ggoooddd but about every 5 minutes I found myself freaking out in my mind…..like this….

Oh my good God in heaven – what if she walks in right now without knocking? What would I say? “Mommy is practicing for the rodeo and Daddy was kind enough to pretend to be the horse.”

What if she knocks right now? Do I say “just a minute while I put the trapeze away honey – I’ll be right there” or do I dive under the covers and do my loudest fake snore ever? When she wakes me in the morning and asks why I didn’t answer the door and what were those noises – I will play the “there are quite a few stray cats outside and I think they were fighting” card.

Yup – just sunk to a new low – I compared our dessert-making to stray cats. Romantic huh?

If she bursts right in right now – how do I get untangled fast enough to not burn her eyes and take her back to bed? How will she not be terrified? Cuz let’s face it – to a kid – it sounds like their parents are being hurt….at least that’s what I thought.

So yah – all of this – intermittently during dessert….thank you Mrs. Fatass. Oh how I love you so….enough to put you in my bedroom with me. LOL

But alas all went well…..believe me….all tragedies were avoided and rodeo training was a success.

You’d think I was in the clear. Um, no. In our house and many I think – there’s a ritual after dessert. Get up, go pee, get a drink, call your friends to brag, come back to reality. This means opening the door – AFTER daughter thinks we went to bed an hour ago….and walking by her room.

The girl has got to be confused. Goodnight – we’re off to bed. Door shuts. Time passes. Door opens. Out walk naked parents. Back to bed they go. What the holy hell is going on?

And WHY ISN’T SHE SLEEPING????

Cuz ferrel cats were making too much noise outside perhaps? Jesus.

I suspect soon enough I may not have to explain the during….but the after. Why do we close the door on some nights and then come out and go pee and get a drink, etc? Oy – you can bet your sweet ass I’m not telling her the truth. I’m going to tell her that we are discussing the day she turns 16 and wants a car and the noises are her Daddy sobbing at the thought and it’s so mentally exhausting that when the conversation is over we need to pee and drink and call our therapist. Naked.

Can I also just say that by 6am this morning I learned a new term? It is a term I didn’t ask to learn….but learn I did. I was getting ready – all quiet and polite-like to as not to awaken Rambo and as if he’d been awake for hours I hear this.

Baby, I can officially call you a turkey now.

WHAT? You’re awake. What is going on? What in the cripes are you talking about turkeys so early for? It’s dark out. I’m so confused.

That’s what they call people who get three strikes in a row in bowling. Turkeys. *as he smirks*

Um wow – I’m slightly embarrassed and it’s quite apparent he should be called a damn peacock. Rambo is pretty proud of himself this morning. If you have no idea what I’m talking about – you’re actually better off. It’s just so lame I felt the need to blog about it. Rambo can’t fit his ginormous head through any doorways today….cuz his wife is a full-blown turkey.

Such a romantic pet name huh?

It’s pretty obvious Rambo had no door during or after fears. He’s all good. Stray cats have never bothered him when the mojo is flowing.

You may commence to vomit now. You’re welcome. Like I said – blame Mrs. Fatass.

19 comments:

Miss Vickie "The Queen Bee" said...

Hysterical as usual! Thankfully, all of the munchkins are grown and gone now. Back in the day though, we had the tv on in our bedroom and I would cover my mouth with my hand! Let me tell you, it is like another world when you are the only people in the house!

Amaris said...

I only knew my parents did it once -- and I was probably 15 or 16. It was mortifying and embarrassing for me. Not that they did it (after all they had five kids; I knew they did it), but that they were loud enough for me to hear. I don't remember if their door was shut or not!

Thanks for the trip down memory lane! HAHA! Hope you have a great day!

MrsFatass said...

Wow, friend. You, uh, turkey, you. Thanks for the shout out. I think.

Hilarious as usual.

Dazee Dreamer said...

omg, that was so hilarious. once again, they are wondering what is up in my office. Thanks for the monday morning laugh.

Lucas said...

So, your worried about making noises and having the child walk in on you while you get your freak on, but walking around the house afterwards naked while guzzling beverages is accepetable? ;)

Angela Pea said...

Welcome to the Turkey Club. LOL...gotta tell my DH that there's an official name for it!

-Grace- said...

I sleep under my parents bed...in order to sleep, I need earplugs and an eye mask.

Thank you for thinking of your girls before they are scarred like me! ;)

Kristen said...

OMG- I had just watched this video, and then read your post and I was dying laughing...I can just see this being your next post! http://perezhilton.com/2010-08-12-kids-say-the-darndest-things

Pamela E. Williams said...

LOL, this is to funny. I can't imagine being a kid and hearing or catching my mom having...um....dessert!! I would have been mortified.

When your girls get like 15 or 16 they will shutter and thank you for closing the door and not want to talk about it at all, LOL!!

TracyZ said...

As always, HILARIOUS! Perfect for a Monday morning. This is one of the only reasons I am glad I don't have kids yet! We're free to have dessert anywhere, anytime ;)

Fiona said...

I could not begin to tell you some of the things I walked in on but when mine walked in on me I told them I was learning to swim. Now they are 18 and 23 I think they should either move out or wear headphones, they have them in every other minute of the day!
But reading the above made me think. Maybe thinking about Mrs Fatass helped in some way, you Turkey lol

Scuttleboose said...

Well... I guess this is a notch on the "reasons not to procreate" list. :)

MandaPanda said...

OMG! This post cracked me up!!! I'm sorry to say I have been caught in the act by my then-4 year old daughter. How terrifying for her...AND ME! I told her we were wrestling. Needless to say...we now shut AND lock the door. But it took a couple weeks for me to be able to "make whoopee" without those same scenarios entering my head.

Liz - Lizzle - Libby Lou said...

LMAO! I'm a turkey as well, welcome to the "club" chortle chortle! I think that's hilare that that is your husband's first thought in the am. Not vomit worthy, it's precious for you both! ;)

LDswims said...

I never walked in on my parents. They always closed the door and I was never allowed in the bedroom anyway. If something was wrong, they came to me. It was like there was a barrier at their door and only they had the power to cross it.

After my mom met my step-dad...somewhere along the way...my step-dad decided I needed to know about my mom's fantasies. And one time we went Christmas shopping together. And now I'll never think of bear skin rugs the same way.

I'd have rather walked in than heard the fantasies.

When I built my house the knob they put on the master bedroom door was a locking door knob. I really appreciate that. And we don't even have the kiddos yet...

Kristin said...

I never walked in on my parents as a kid but made a BIG MISTAKE when we bought our first house. The guest room was directly over the master bedroom.

More than once in the three years we lived there, Hubs and I were awakened at 3 or 4 am when my parents were visiting. We would look at each other and scream, "NOOOOOO!" into our pillows, waiting for the noise to stop. Horrifying.

We finally decided we couldn't take it anymore and bought a new house. Mostly because of the horror that was my parents getting it on when they visited.

The guest room is now on the opposite side of the house.

Genie @ Diet of 51 said...

You are so funny! I admire that you tackle any and every tough topic!!

I never heard of parents that were as.... open?.... as your parents were. That had to be difficult to grow up around, but at least you learned what-not-to-do in front of your kids.

Sandy Lee said...

You need to put a little fridge in your bedroom so you can get a drink "after". Switch the lock from your bathroom and put it on your bedroom door. The delay of the kids trying to open the door gives you a chance to get decent.

Other than that, tell them that you and daddy need private time. Or book them for sleepovers. Too funny. Maybe on vacation at your MIL you can try other things.

Ice Queen said...

Hmmm... So the boy scored a hat trick, did he? Congratulations. *waggling eyebrows madly*

Okay, as far as kids and sex go, be direct, honest, frank, open and age appropriate. Then remind them that parents need private time, too. And consider remodeling your basement to be a master suite. Woo hoo! All the stray cat fun you can have and not a peep to be heard by the kiddos.