Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Jealousy and loneliness…...and tomorrow.

Jealousy used to consume me. Everyone around me had it better, was better and looked better. The person I was comparing myself to could have no front teeth and drive an Amish buggy and I’d still find a way to be jealous of them. I was materialistic.

I have a mother who grew up wealthy. Let me rephrase that – I have a mother whose parents wanted the town to believe they were wealthy – so she went to private schools and had fancy clothes and new cars – but in truth – there was no money.

I have a father who grew up poor. Let me rephrase that too. My father worked his ass off and didn’t have much of anything – though in truth, his parents were millionaires who saved every penny they made. Two opposite ends of the spectrum wouldn’t you say?

Anyway – I took on both qualities. When I got married and we had money coming out of our ears (no kids) I bought things – lots and lots of things with lots and lots of diamonds and brand names. I thought it would fulfill me and make my mother proud and make up for the things my dad would never buy me because he learned to be a penny pincher and hated debt. Then I figured out neither of them gave a damn about my money – how much I had or didn’t have. I still couldn’t make them notice me. With or without brand name clothes and diamonds – I was still invisible.

So then I grew up. I stopped filling voids with things…though I have a closet that says otherwise. I stopped being jealous…knowing I had at home what many would die for….Rambo who loved me. Every day I strive to be happy FOR people – truly happy. That’s a tough thing to do but it feels good to do it.

Today it is hard though. Some days it’s just harder than others. And some days you just gotta have a “woe is me – pity party day”….and today is my day for that.

There is nothing wrong. Nothing I don’t have. Nothing I need.

But I am jealous. I work with millionaires – and as you can guess, I am not one. I work with people who own 5 Harleys and 8 cars and mansions and heated indoor enclosed pools and Rolexes and diamonds hand picked for them and Aston Martins flown in on private jets from England for them. Not one of them is arrogant. Not one of them makes me feel less than. They all work for it. Not one of them shoves it in your face….but being happy for them is hard some days. How their lives make me feel is MY problem – not theirs.

And I feel lonely. I have people who love me – Rambo, my girls, Jenny, and my family…..I am not alone. But I feel alone today. Like I don’t matter. Like I don’t exist. Like I am not enough. Like I could leave this world and no one would notice. I know it’s not true – this is not a pathetic reach out for you all to tell me I’m wrong….because I already know that. I just can’t find my place…my calling….my purpose.

I just don’t want to be me today. I want to be someone else entirely. I want to change every single thing about me. I want to be enough.

And I will be….tomorrow.

Feeling this way makes me angry at who I am.  It makes me appear selfish, weak, pathetic and just not who I want to be.  It makes me feel guilty.  I want to scream at myself, "You ungrateful woman - how dare you feel this way with the life you have? Do you know how lucky you are?"

But years ago on a deathbed of depression I realized I can't fake happiness and I can't pretend what I feel doesn't exist and I can't not feel what I feel.  It is there.  I feel it. 

For today it is who I am whether I like it or not.  Not liking it is key though because it makes me a better me.........for tomorrow....when I take my head out of the sand and keep on living this blessed life I am grateful for.

To live in this kind of feeling would be shameful really....and I've felt enough shame over the years to last a lifetime.  I'm so over shame and guilt....so today I'm gonna feel what I feel....and try not to berate myself all day because of it.

I will be stronger...tomorrow.

30 comments:

Sandy Lee said...

{{{HUGS}}} I'd miss you and notice if you left this world and so would so many others. You fill a void for us in many different ways. You are loved and you are needed. Regardless of money, status or position. I learned that long. And sometimes that is all we need. Loves you and hope your vacation is amazing.

DB said...

Feel better! How awesome that you can nail down your issue & address it by actually feeling the emotions & not burying them. {{{HUGS}}}.

Carmen said...

love you poopyhead

Amy said...

What a great post. And I hear ya on the jealousy thing. I, too, suffer from that periodically. And I admit, it's often with my BFF, who makes boatloads of money, as does her fiance, and he only has 50/50 custody of his son, so they have lots of money AND time to go on all these great vacations. Sigh. I hate being jealous of her, when I know she'd die if she knew I was jealous.

Smooches - you are perfect just as you are.

Leah said...

Aww, I know exactly how you feel. There are the days I just want to be Alex so bad, but am content with being Leah, and there are days that Megan won't let me do a damn thing... we all have them, but least you work with people that don't throw their money in your face. Luckily I don't really have that either... but anyway everything is just one step at a time one day at a time. Everyone will have their good, bad, and just plain blah days. Lets just hope and work towards more good days!! :)

MrsFatass said...

I have to say that I have learned in my own mental struggles a couple of things:
A. When I get like this, when I let my symptoms show, or even when I'm sad and not depressed or anxious, people around me . . . want to make it BETTER. Want to make ME better. Want symptoms eased. Want me fixed. But . . .

B. When I get like this, if I let myself FEEL it and WORK THROUGH IT, it always goes away. There is always a stronger tomorrow.

So. I'm here to listen (read) and understand. And to remind you that there will indeed be a stronger tomorrow.

Roxie said...

The fact alone that you know there IS a tomorrow, is enough for today. Work through it and just be today, tomorrow you will be (hopefully) back to yourself.

Pamela E. Williams said...

And you will be stronger tomorrow! I have had those days where I feel like I'm just not good enough or that If I could just be like her or live in his house or have his/her money. I dreamed I was talking to Oprah last night. I often wish I could be Oprah instead of me. Sometimes it seems as if she doesn't have a problem in the world, but I know that's not true.

You will be stronger tomorrow, but for today, just feel what you feel.

LDswims said...

You will be strong tomorrow. But not stronger. You don't know your own strength.

I think a little jealousy is good. It makes you strive for more. And in your case, that means you strive for strength, for being a better person, for fueling your body wisely, for caring for your husband emphatically, for protecting your daughters mightily.

Jealousy is a good thing and from what I know, you've got that perfect balance of enough to make you better but not so much that you are foolish.

Stuff is stuff is stuff. Stuff is all replaceable. Life and those that we love...those we cannot ever replace. And you do all that you can do AND MORE to keep your cherished close, safe and loved.

You are strong today!

Jess said...

I feel for you, Draz. I get like this too, quite a bit lately, it seems and it's tough. You inspired me to write my next post. So take a look at it for more details!

{{{{hugs}}}}

Scuttleboose said...

I think everyone feels that way once in a while. Just wallow. Then feel better! :)

Nella said...

Tomorrow...

Jacquie said...

Heres to tomorrow! {{{HUGS}}}

Cat said...

Jealousy, I think, is just part of life. Yes, it can make you feel bad, but you obviously are smarter than most. You SEE you are jealous, and that is the bigger part of the battle. It's okay to be wollowing in self-pity, upset, and just plain grouchy, but you again show yourself wise, you will work on making it better. Giving yourself time to work on a "snit", as my family calls it, allows you to realize what you need, and how to work it out. Even if it's just a hug, virtual or otherwise.

(HUG)

(And I think I wouldn't mind an Amish Buggy, they are pretty cool, in that 1800's sort of glam...)

Cat

Jennifer said...

Tomorrow is another day. You'll feel better tomorrow - if you don't - I'll drive there and do my silly dance untill you laugh. Don't MAKE me get the butterfly net out again!

Jenny said...

Some days we all need a day. I wish I wasn't a jealous person, but I am. We are all a work in progress. Don't beat yourself up too much. You are a wonderful person.

Band Geek said...

I know you know it, but you are a dynamic lady who means so much to so many--here and otherwise.

amandakiska said...

Thanks for sharing. I struggle with jealousy too.

Ice Queen said...

Guess what, girlie. That is called being human. And you have nothing to feel ashamed of or guilty about. We all struggle with these kinds of feelings. No matter what our "station" in life, there is always someone somewhere who can make us feel that way. It is how we express these feelings, how we process and deal with them that matters. And I think that you have done so in a very honest, positive manner.

So, kudos to you. *hug*

Angela Pea said...

Oh Baby!

I can so empathize. My best friend is incredibly wealthy, thanks to years of very hard work and wise investing. I love her dearly and don't begrudge her a single diamond, designer handbag or luxury car. There are days, though, when I just need to feel a little green. You're right. You'll feel better tomorrow.

Sarah said...

Ahhhh Draz.... you wrote what I am feeling today in so many, many ways. I'm right there with you... peace, my friend.

Lucas said...

Brave Girl.
True Girl.
Right Girl.
Strong Girl.

I'm lovin' you girl.

Miss Vickie "The Queen Bee" said...

You know we are always here for you. I think a lot of people ( including myself ) struggle with those same issues. Maybe you need this vacation more than you think! Enjoy :)

Cindylew said...

Today is almost over...tomorrow will be here in a blink of an eye...here's to feeling better tomorrow.
Who loves you cupcake??? Cindylew Who...that's who.

Joia said...

:::hugs::: Here's to tomorrow!

Barbara said...

Draz, You wrote.. "For today it is who I am whether I like it or not. Not liking it is key though because it makes me a better me.........for tomorrow....when I take my head out of the sand and keep on living this blessed life I am grateful for"
The best way I know to get out of this funk is to go and help some one else.. Tomorrow, go out of your way to make a difference in someone's life.. and you will realize what we already know.. You make a difference in someone's life every day.. Hugs to you.

Yani said...

Great post!!! i know exactly how you feeling is some day i wish i was some one else is day that im Jealous of my own husband bc no matter what he have a job and money come and no matter what he get to go around the world and go out and have fun bc he dont have to find a babysiter others day i get jealous of one of my friend relationship bc is like the perfect couple others day i get jealouse at my exboss wife bc they got everything but guess what thats been human!!!! i get over it and continue my life just like you say dont feel lonly bc u not the only one who feel like this ;0) and yes i will miss u if u desapear from this world ;0) HUGSSSSSS

Roo said...

I think everyone feels the green eyed monster for something...it's human nature....money doesn't buy happiness but it sure would make things easier sometimes....the fact that you have been honest about it is the best...not many people truly would be honest about jealousy...tomorrow is a new day that will be brighter than today....xx

Sam said...

Here's to a brighter, better day tomorrow:)

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

I'm glad you said that at the end there. About how when you were depressed you realized that you had to be real. Because that was what I was going to point out.

Something I've realized too.

Tis far better to have your day, week, or however long to sort out your "dumps" than to pretend and suck up and LIE. Because that's what it is. If we learn to lie so well that we fool ourselves, we run the risk of never knowing who we are or what we want.

I hearts yous. I hope that you feel bubbly by now.