Friday, August 13, 2010

The journey is hard....

Some days the journey is just harder than others...let me explain.

80% of the people I follow have lap bands and as many of you know, I don't have one.  As many of you also know....there are days when I wish I did.  I have no problem admitting that.  It's hard to watch and hear about people who can eat 1/2 cup of food and be stuffed.  I can admit I am jealous.  My best friend who has a lap band worries about me following/loving/befriending so many lapbanders because she knows it's hard not to compare, not to want the control a band helps many with, and not to see big weight losses each week continuously like many banders see.  I mean let's be honest.....I can physically eat whole pizzas, candy bars by the handful...and then more pizza....if I choose.  Every time I do it - it's my choice....and then it's my regret, my backslide, my imminent damning self talk.  To pretend that some days I wish I didn't have that choice would be ridiculous. 

Today I'm not happy with my choices...and I really do wish I had something in me physically that would take my choice away.  I haven't cheated...but I ate too many approved Atkins things I am sure.  Too many nuts.  Too much cheese.  Too much diet soda. 

Just.
Too.
Much.

Thank God for Rambo - he saw me literally with my hand in the cookie bag and said, "Close that."  When I said, "You wanna just get a pizza?"....he said, "Nope....I don't."  God bless him for having self control I lack.

I often wonder how I've lost 70 pounds (almost) and kept it off.  Honestly it boggles my mind on days like this when I suck at this journey.  I am tired of it.  I want a day off.  I want to quit.  And then I remember bikinis and how I feel at this weight and how proud I am of me and my blood pressure and cholesterol...and how I look in chubby pictures....and I keep going.

I think back to the days when I first started and I couldn't exercise....and then I remember how later on I ran 5-6 miles a day every day after working 9 hours rain or shine.  I ran an hour a day no matter what and people knew me at the gym as the runner.  I had never run in my life and next year I'm doing a 1/2 marathon. 

I am different now - but the journey is not easier.

I have not been heavy my whole life - only after pregnancy and gestational diabetes kicked my ass....so for me....I don't believe I have emotional reasons for getting heavy.  I can't tie my eating to loneliness or emptiness or filling a void or any reason except I get bored and I love food and it's there.  Sounds so simple but for me, it's true.  To fight the fact that it tastes good seems unnatural...but fight it I must.  I gain weight easily and it comes off hard.  I refuse to be the fat one in the family tree ever again and I refuse to have wasted $5k on a tummy tuck for nothing.  I just refuse.

I'll keep fighting the fight - for the rest of my life.  I may have a bad day just like I have had in the past 4 years but I will not stop.  I will never say I'm done and gain it back.  I have never let a slip become a full-fledged slide.  I will keep running.  I will treat my body like the temple it is.  And I will keep writing about it. 

The journey is indeed hard...as hard as the first day was sometimes.....but giving up is not an option. 

It's just not who I am anymore...and not who I ever want to be again.

So to my lapbanders who I love....don't hate me because I'm jealous of you....love me because I make the choice not to give up...and together - we'll all get to our goal...

....and live happily ever after in Care Bear Land.

27 comments:

Camille said...

You know what? You have no finish line!! The journey is hard on both sides, but you are never finished. Keep fighting because I love that you are a success story. You are in such a minority for keeping that weight off and staying on top of it. You are an inspiration.

Kristin said...

Draz, you are really something. (In a good way.)

I love that you've done this through sheer willpower (despite the occasional lapses - who doesn't have those?). And I love that you've jumped into this pool of lapband bloggers and you listen and sympathize with all our bitching and complaining when you've got a really tough journey of your own.

You're doing a great job, you really are. Good for Rambo for being your strength when you needed it. I know you'll return the favor for him.

Hang in there!!

Barbara said...

Alright Draz baby.. we hereby bestow upon you an honorary BAND. I even forget that you don't have one. You are such a part of our group to encourage, inspire, cheer, console, the whole 9 yards.
We are totally blown away with your own successes.. without the band.

The journey is hard, for all of us.. there is no perfect answer, cause 90% of this success is in our heaD!

We love you Draz, all of you!

Miss Vickie "The Queen Bee" said...

Bless you for keeping up the fight. Because it truly is a fight, even with the band. We all have choices and we don't always make the right one everyday. It is a difficult journey, but well worth the effort. I commend you for losing the weight on your own and keeping it off. Believe me, I do know how fortunate I am to have the band.

Sherry said...

Sweetie, you must know that we are the ones envious of you. Right? Being able to keep of the weight? Having willpower? Those are things that most of us bandsters will either have to learn and relearn and relearn and relearn or worse, will NEVER learn.

You're a great supporter of those of us fighting the fight, banded or not. And you know what? I'm glad you don't have a band. It gives me hope that someday I can rely on willpower too. I'm not convinced that my band will be a magic tool that will last me until I"m 80. But I'm hopeful (I mean REALLY HOPEFUL) that it will give me the power to finally control my eating in a healthy way so that by the time I"m 80 it doesn't freakin' matter whether I have a band or not.

You're awesome. That's just a fact.

Ginger said...

So funny that you would mention Pizza because tonight is pizza night. We make homemade every time and yes a stuff my face. Hi my name is Ginger and I am a pizzaholic. lol

Seeing in colour said...

Well im super incredibly proud of you :D

Darlin1 said...

I'm proud of you also--I think we are all in this together and I appreciate your valuable input!!!!

AmeyinIdaho said...

I am sure I don't just speak for myself when I say that we (those with bands) are jealous of YOU!

Draz, you have what we wish for, do not have the ability to have. YOU have the gift that we all covet.

You say you are envious of someone that can eat 1/2 cup and be full. *I* am envious of YOU because you can eat 4 fritos and walk away. I am envious because you can eat pizza and walk away from it. I could never have done that. I hit my rock bottom, I had to go the the extreme of having a foreign device installed in me to help me do what you do every day. Don't you see how incredible you are? YOU are Wonder Woman! I look to you and what you are eating and think...Wow, that's how a normal person eats, that's how I should eat.

You make me laugh, you make me cry, and you motivate me and give me hope. Yes, Draz, you are my super hero because you do every day what I was never capable of doing.

Angela Pea said...

Fat is Hard. Thin is hard. We've chosen the thin hard.

It bites big time every single day - every morsel of food we ignore even though they're screaming our names; every binge we want to go on but don't; every snack, every dessert, every piece of bread or scoop of mashed potatoes. I HATE the fight and the inner mental battle, but like you, I absolutely refuse to give in.

You totally rock, Draz, and we're so inspired by your willpower and your success.

Marie said...

You are a super hero to me. There is no doubt. I so wish I could lose it without the band. We all have our bad days with eating with or without it!

Hang in there - you are such a great inspiration!

Tina said...

I understand the jealousy thing. My good friend lost 90 your way and here I sit losing it a slightly easier way with the band. The funny thing is I sometimes envy you your days off. It is a good thing I cannot take a day off because for me one day off turned into a week and then a month and finally years off of my 'diet' but still there are days when I could kills someone for a whole piece of pizza or a burger and fries.

I think we all have our loads to carry and jealousy to fight. I appreciate reading your blog because even though you don't have a band you are fighting a lot of the same battles we are too.

DiZneDiVa said...

You are amazing... I didn't even remember that you are band-free... That makes your weight-loss success and understanding of the issues of the bandsters... even more amazing! I wish I could have done what you did without this little band-o-mine... Some days I don't even think I could do it with a band... so, as always I am amazed by you! *Maria*-blogger from "This one time at BAND Camp..." Check out my blog at mybigfatbandgeeklife.blogspot.com

Sam said...

You are an inspiration to both the banded and non-banded people in your world. We love and support you just as much as you love and support us:P

Sandy Lee said...

I agree with Camille. There is no finish line. So it takes you a couple more days to lose all your weight, so be it. We banders binge too. For some reason junk food (like chocolate) goes down so well. And just like a lot of us don't think of this as a diet, neither should you. Each day you choose to eat stuff-good, bad, Atkins, JC, WW, healthy, not so healthy. We all fight the demon. And you know we will always be here for you even when you reach your "goal" weight. And will be on your back if it starts to go up. Cause we loves you.

Yani said...

draz to me you are a superwoman u r my favorite super hero!!! u can do it and u go girl!!!;0)

Nawlinz Lady (Dee) said...

Tell me about your trip to New Orleans, when? I'd love to meet for a drink or meal if you have the time. Tessierose also lives here, maybe we can do a 3some lol

Genie @ Diet of 51 said...

I've got a definite jealousy toward anyone who can eat a small quantity and be "full". It doesn't matter if they're a lap-bander, a lifetime healthy eater, a bird, or a liar. My appetite has always been HUGE, all the way back to childhood.

A half-sandwich and a cup of soup? Are you serious? That's supposed to fill me up?

So, it's a battle every day, every meal, every snack. Truly, even though I'm about five pounds heavier than a normal BMI says I should be, I almost think it's a miracle that I've stayed at a normal BMI or within short striking distance for the last twenty-something years. Especially when I could knock over a pizza joint at any given time.

Yes, that would be me, an Internet sensation. "Woman Crashes SUV Into Pizza Parlor, Eats Entire Place".

I keep fighting the fight because I know what it's like to be thin, and life is better that way. Simple as that. So, let's hang in there.

And, you can hang out with anyone you want. This is America!

Blossom said...

I get jealous of those who can lose weight without the extra help (band, etc.) and keep it off! You must have sooo much willpower. I wonder, why can't I be like that? For whatever reason(s), I just have not been able to succeed at keeping it off over the past 15 years. So I'll do it with the band, and you'll do it without, and hey! We get to the same place in the end!!

Nicole said...

Draz your will power amazes me, you have the drive to do your weight loss journey with out a tool. And heck I am jealous that you can eat pizza :) But like you said losing weight ANY way is hard but we will all end up at the same place in the end :)

Jess said...

You're amazing.

Nella said...

Keep fighting the fight baby!

Jo said...

Could NEVER hate you Drazil. I love hearing about all of your successes, failures, tirades, and fun times. I'm thinking maintenance is the hardest part. I've never had to deal with it before and now it's the point where you know there is never a finish line.

I'm glad I have the band, because unlike you, I knew deep within that I would never have the mental fortitude to keep the weight off without help with my appetite. It's still a difficult struggle but like you said a rewarding one. Keep us laughing girl!

Ali said...

Funny, I'm on this side of the band thinkin that I wish I was more like Drazil and Christine, who have been able to lose weight and keep it off without resorting to having surgery and a band put inside my body. I feel jealous of YOU that you can just be "normal" in that regard.

I think you are doing awesome!

Lucas said...

Lady,
You are right. It IS hard, will ALWAYS be hard, but it will also ALWAYS be worth it. Keep on fighting sister. You are doing great. :)

My Life As I Live It said...

If you're not already folling her, you need to head over to www.priorfatgirl.com, Jen lost her weight without a band and she's maintaining a 90lb weight loss and still struggles, she may have some insight that you need :)

You're doing great, BTW!

Amaris said...

After reading all these wonderful comments, I do not have anything to add, my dear Draz. I just want to add my voice to the chorus of "proud of you", "love you", and "you keep it up"! You're doing something I could never do, so I'm amazed at you. YOU ROCK!!!