Friday, August 6, 2010

Karma knows....I have proof.

Before I partake in BYOC (I’ll do a separate blog for that) – I’d like to share a little story with you. It focuses on how karma bites not so great people in the ass….um, people like me.

There is a little competition going on where I work. Our company bought us all pedometers. We formed teams. Hoopla was properly given to the program. We all walk.

Then we all realize the pedometers don’t work. Nice. Some work, some do not. Mine does not. I get another one. It still does not work.

I’m silently praising God I have an excuse to not log any steps because it started right as I got my foot tattoo and I haven’t gone any extra steps since that day. I suckola in the wracking up steps department. Martha Stewart (co-worker) is promptly kicking my ass every day. She walks miles every morning with her two perfect dogs who wear perfect slippers and then comes to work and eats Cheetos for breakfast.

Anywhoozle…Martha Stewart knows she is kicking my ass because Martha could not dare put a free cheap pedometer on her waist. Eek – can you imagine – such cheap plastic touching her spa-like skin? No way. She bought an expensive one…it even talks to her. It says things like, “Listen up Martha…walking 2 miles every morning ain’t gonna do shit when you eat enough for lunch to feed a linebacker. And that bottle of wine you have every night….um, duh.”

Anyway – we have to report our daily steps. And well, Miss Draz doesn’t freaking know her steps cuz her pedometer doesn’t work soooooooo……wanna know what I’ve been doing?

Guessing. Estimating.

Translation = lying. We aren’t going to win so it’s not like I’m stealing some huge prize because of my “guessing” you know?

Okay – so all is well until yesterday a new shipment of pedometers comes in. I get one. They are nicer….meaning they actually work. I wear it proudly. I will no longer have to tempt fate and lie. All is well in pedometer world.

I go to a movie last night (Despicable Me – which by the way ROCKS!) and because I now drink gallons of water a day I must pee. I must get over my public restroom fear and pee in public. I can do this. I can. And I do.

I get in there. I whip off my now loose pants and I hear a “thunk” and a “plop”. Oh shit no. Please don’t let that be what I think it is. I turn around and sure enough….there’s my freaking pedometer….floating in public toilet water.

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? What the holy hell did I do to deserve this? Oh yah, lie. Oopsie.

Yes, yes, yours truly stuck my perfectly blinged out manicured hands into the water and got the pedometer. Then I threw up. Okay - no I didn’t - but I wanted to.

Moral of the story. Lying is bad. Karma knows. Beware of toilets.


Gilly said...

Oh. My. GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!

Angela Pea said...

Karma is a cruel mistress.

Vaia said...

Karma is a bitch (sorry for the cliché!)

Leah said...

Lol, poor Draz... damn you Karma!! Just when you get over your fear about peeing in public your pedometer drops in the toilet... what kinda crap is that?? lol Stoopid karma, couldn't she just come at a later time?? lol

Carmen said...

true parents were thisclose to naming me karma (i was born in the 70's after all!) i have one friend who refuses to call me anything but karma :-)
my point? karma is a bitch! haha
i once dropped my cell phone in a public toliet that the previous occupant hadn't flushed, (it was the only toilet option) that was FUN! not. the one and only time in my cell phone history i had to use the insurance!

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...


That sucks.

But Martha Stewart needs a "special brownie" to relax her. Or somethin.

Lucas said...

BRUTAL! Even for someone who doesn't have a hang up about public toilets. But you make that pedometer your bitch Draz! Death to Martha!

Jennifer said...

hahahahahaahaha!!! Love it. I'm sure you are still traumatized. PUBLIC TOILET WATER. EW. At least it didn't happen at work after Explosive Man.

Kristin said...

Wowzers. Seriously. Wowzers.

You're not alone on the toilet issues, though. I once lost the newsroom police pager the same way. Went to the bathroom, it flipped right off my pocket AS I FLUSHED and down it went. The city editor laughed so hard he cried when I told him what happened.

(I was later called into my humorless, jackass managing editor's office and reprimanded because I didn't call him on a Saturday to notify him that I had destroyed company property.)

TracyZ said...

Ha ha ha ha ha ha! As always, you crack me up.

Hate that you had to put your hand in the public toilet water, but something tells me you and the public soap dispenser had a bit of an affair.

Roxie said...

That was my fear every day I wore my pedometer.

I don't wear it anymore lol I'm glad I don't.

Nikki said...

I was bad...I giggled when I read this. :::Hangs head in shame:::

I LOVED Despicable Me....I think hubby is gonna take kiddo to see it again tonight...her and I saw it...he hasn't. :)

Kinda sucky about the pedometer...BUT atleast it didn't happen AFTER you went then it would be pee-filled public toilet

Hope it still works?

LauraLynne said...

Omy God. I'm gagging just thinking about it. it would have stayed there - no shit. Pun intended.
My mom's dropped her IPhone in public toilets THREE TIMES now. No effing way - I'm serious, anything that goes in the toilet goes to the sewer in my book.


sorry it's time to walk...and show Martha just what a punk bitch she is.

Robin said...

YOU... ALL YOU PEOPLE WITH WAIST DROPSY!!!! Get leashes for your devices!

Ice Queen said...

Bwahahahahaha!!! ^^

Scuttleboose said...

hahahahha - be glad it wasn't something you actually cared for! :)

LOVED Despicable Me! LOVE foot tattoos! LOVE Draz's post! :)

Diz said...

Cute story! I don't know how I feel about Martha- she sounds stupid. :)

Amaris said...

Sorry, Draz, but I thought that was hilarious! If I wasn't sitting at the dining room table with my FIL, I would have been laughing out loud. As it was, I definitely snickered out loud and got a bit of a look (he's busy writing checks to pay bills. Serious business!)