Tuesday, August 31, 2010

More than just "a little time off"....

I swear to God in about a week I’ll be back to farting gumdrops….but not today. There are no CareBears in my land today. Instead of bathing in rainbow Skittles, I’m bathing in rabbit turds. Ack. Maybe not. That’s going a little too far. (although I will say Explosive Man has shattered my clean toilet paradise about 50x already)


I am officially in an after-vacation-didn’t-want-to-go-in-the-first-place funk. I am exhausted. I’ve had a migraine every day since I got back. I want to curl up in a ball and sob until there are no more tears left and then I want to start over and be like so many of you – back from vacation and never skipping a beat. I suck. (no, that wasn’t an invitation for you to comment and say “Draz you don’t suck”) Seriously – no comments needed...it may sound like I’m begging but I’m not. This is just a funk. It’s not how I really feel – it’s brought on by migraine pain, lack of sleep and being out of my comfort zone…and in a few days I’ll feel like an idiot for even typing this out. But for me – this blog was always supposed to be my therapy – my record of who I am and who I was every day…not someone I pretended to be. To pretend I’m not angry that I’m weak and can’t handle a vacation and can’t come back like a normal person – would be a shitfaced lie.

I would like to say that within 5 hours I was caught up at work. Over 450 emails and deadlines and I’m caught up. It’s like I never left. Sometimes I even surprise myself sometimes with my efficiency. I also want to say I’m planning on going away again this weekend….that is unheard of. Normally after leaving for so long I stay in my house – every day for weeks – just clinging to home. Not this time. Life is too short for that. I also want to say I’ve lost all 5 lbs I gained on vacation in just 3 days so that’s good news.

See – it’s not all donkey balls and moldy dicks around here….there’s a gumdrop or two sitting around. Crusty and stale as hell but you can still find some.

This vacation made me think – which yes, I completely know is beyond stupid. I know that mmkkaayyy? I mean vacations aren’t supposed to make you think….but we’ve already decided I’m an oddball with some screws loose so for me – it makes me reflective. About what I missed while I was gone. About my job and how much I love it and missed it. About how I’m good at it. About how much I love my home. About what family means – and doesn’t mean. About what I’m capable of doing – beyond my fears. About how much I need to blog and about how when I don’t – I feel like I don’t belong. About how every single thing I have and need and love is right here – within arm’s reach and if I never have to leave again – I’m totally okay with that.

While I was gone, a cousin I am very close to got engaged. I missed it. He was in Iraq and Afghanistan and Haiti and has two young sons. When he returned from his tour – his then wife met him at the plane, put her wedding rings in his hand, handed him his sons and said goodbye. She had an affair with another guy on base – who has since been dishonorably discharged for that. Anywhoozle – terrible – but now he has found love again and is engaged. Imagine him doing that while I was gone! The nerve right?

Secondly, my brother lost his job. That sounds so normal, so cliché – so common in these uncertain times. Until it’s MY brother. 15 years on this job, upper management, countless awards…but the boss’s son wanted a job so they pushed my brother out. To say I’m scared for him doesn’t begin to cover it. To say I’m not worried is like saying I don’t love Milky Ways. I spend 50% of my time being angry at this brother for who he is and 50% of the time loving him because he’s my brother and friend. I was gone the day they let him go. I feel terrible. I’m arranging a family visit to surprise him this weekend but still….I missed it.

Yah, I know – ego much? Events go on – with or without me. Who am I to think the world stops for me? Life moves at its own pace – it doesn’t give a damn who you are or where you are or how dark the places are in your head. With or without you – it’s moving on. So my vacation lesson learned is more of the same that I try to live by every day. Be present in the moment, memorize details, make memories, leave on good terms, say what needs to be said, don’t carry regrets, don’t hold grudges, nurture your soul and claim your own spirit.

To many, vacations are ordinary – normal, something that occurs all the time. For me…it’ll always be more than that. Before I left, my mother called to say goodbye and at the end of the conversation she said, “I love you….very much.” I almost dropped the phone. I heard myself say the words back without remembering speaking them.

It’s the first time I’ve heard those words in years, maybe even decades. I’d consider going away again….if she’d say those words again. Without having taken this vacation, I’d have probably gone another decade without hearing those words or saying them back.

Five little words forever wrapped up in my vacation memories of 2010. Um yah, like I said….to me it’ll always be more than just “a little time off”.

Now I’m gonna go see if I can squeeze at least an M&M out of my grumpy ass today. I’m dying for some chocolate.

19 comments:

Sarah said...

Wow... a lot happened while you were gone - I can understand why you are sorry you missed it, both the highs and lows, and it is okay to have a bit of an ego about that! Lord knows I would... find some (fresh) chocolate, and hang in there... you've got a great life which I know you're thankful for - it's nice to have that, huh?

amandakiska said...

Tonight I want you to take a Tylenol PM and get a good night's sleep. I hope you feel better soon!

DB said...

CareBear Land is on the horizon, I can see it looming. {{{{HUGS}}}}.

MandaPanda said...

Wow! For awhile, every time my grandparents would go on vacation, something would catch on fire. First it was their barn, then it was their tractor. On and on like this for years. Finally, they stopped going anywhere. Field caught on fire. They decided to hell with it! Didn't matter if they were there or not. Moral of the story is what you've already learned - life goes on whether you're there or not. Your brother will need your support more with his job hunt than the day it actually happened. Hang in there! There's gotta be some gumdrops around somewhere...

Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

Vacations always make me reflective and thoughtful too. Its the only time I have enough less responsibiity to be able to think, lol. I'm liking the Tylenol PM suggestion... think I may have to borrow it for tonight.

-Grace- said...

I just love you. That is all.

Jess said...

Gah lee! :) (((hugs)))

Bonnie said...

I love my vacations so it's hard to relate, but hope you are feeling better soon.

Cindylew said...

I can relate and I hope you realize how positive/good many of your realizations were.
Most of us have "back to work blues" when we return from vacation and one of your realizations was how much you love your job and how good at it you are. I too am good at my job but my vacation realization in this area is how unfulfilled I am at my job and I get depressed to think that I won't be able to be out of work for an entire week again, for another year. How'd ya like to carry that crap around with you everyday. You are blessed in so many areas and that is just one of them cupcake.

Ice Queen said...

If you need to cry, then do it. Crying is your body, heart and mind's way of working through whatever is eating at you and it is wonderfully relieving and therapeutic. I like to cry in the shower. I have complete privacy and with the water and the vent fan blaring, no one can hear me. And if my face is red... Well the shower was a bit too hot, I guess. Red eyes and stuffy nose? Hello! I have allergies. :D

Camille said...

May I just say that I am Sooooo glad you are back!! It felt quiet in Blogland! Hugs and a big smooch!!

Stephanie said...

Another stellar post by you Draz, but I was surprised about the "Now I’m gonna go see if I can squeeze at least an M&M out of my grumpy ass today. I’m dying for some chocolate." because it just seemed like you were alluding to poop, but I know you hate that word and probably just vomited a little reading this comment, but I thought it was funny. :)

Jacquie said...

So sorry about your brother and losing his job....however, I am a true believer in that something better will come along!

Regarding your mama telling you she loves you? I got goosebumps reading it. I am so happy for you that it was said. I think for a lot of people, saying those words "I love you" can be so hard....why? I have no idea. Its great that she said it and you said it back! I love you too!

AmeyinIdaho said...

Oh Draz....I have tears...your mom. Wow!!!

Brooke said...

Oh man, vacations suck but are wonderful because I feel like "me" when I'm vacationing- 100% me without any shit sandwich eating side effects from work: no headaches, stomaches, urges to drink large quantities of red wine, rage, shame, random feelings of inadequacy. Just pure me. It's great. And every time I promise myself that this will be the time I carry my "me-ness" forward when I go back to work. No stress, no second guessing myself, etc etc etc.

That resolve usually lasts right up until I swipe into the building and some douchebag with social retardation says something stupid about a work related topic that is a backhanded compliment so he can feel better about himself.

It doesn't take long to start guzzling coffee and stealing post-its once I'm back....

Genie @ Diet of 51 said...

So much, so much, then the line from your mom. I do understand what that meant to you, and I'm so glad that you heard those words from her.

That totally sucks about Brother's job. Boss's offspring will always trump any worker in the place, which is one huge pitfall of a family business. I'm sorry your brother got caught in that trap. I'll say a prayer for him.

Just Me said...

I am so glad you posted these words - this blog was always supposed to be my therapy – my record of who I am and who I was every day…not someone I pretended to be. That is exactly how I feel and I've just e-mailed your words home to include in my blog today. Fantastic!


That sucks about your brother losing his job, especially the way in which it happened (sometimes I am grateful for my Union job). Love your writing style and enjoyed your blog today (except for the crummy things that happened).

Pamela E. Williams said...

I am sorry for you brother and excited for your cousin. Get some rest and rejuvenate that lovely crazy mind of yours.

Ginger said...

i wish you would come check out my blog because i gave you an award for being awesome.