Monday, August 30, 2010

Sorry I'm not sorry....

My good friend Mrs. Fatass wrote a blog today called “sorry I’m not sorry”…and dared us all to write our own….so I’m taking that dare. I can’t write like she does though I wish I could but here’s my shot at it.


The screens in my windows are dirty and the furnace/air vents in my house have dust on them. Sometimes it’s days before I can find the time or energy to get down on my hands and knees and clean the floor. Sometimes I leave my day before underwear on the floor – right in front of the hamper they belong in. Dust bunnies in my office have become my new pets. I own 6 cans of Pledge – 5 3/4 have never been used. My ceiling fan blades have dust on them too…they probably always will. Sometimes I get disappointed in myself about all of this and feel ashamed. Other days I resort to the “life is short, I refuse to spend it cleaning” attitude.

Sorry I’m not sorry.

I, like Mrs. Fatass, am completely fine with time away from my kids. I crave it, I need it, I long for it like a drug addict longs for more cocaine. I need me time and more importantly, me and Rambo time. I need quiet. I need hours at a time without the word Mom, Mommy or Mama in them. Sometimes I wonder what I did before I had kids. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t responsible for two human beings – knowing at every turn I could be scarring them for life. Sometimes I leave my kids in the bath unattended for a few minutes cuz one of them is 9 and I trust them. Sometimes the thought of cooking one more supper FOR someone other than myself makes me lose my appetite. I don’t read my kids bedtime stories. I will never be mother of the year. When my own mother tells me she couldn’t stand to be away from her own kids for mere seconds….I don’t understand that. I can never be a stay at home mom….I would eat my young within days. I’m also prone to giving my kids fruit roll ups instead of cutting up an apple because I’m annoyed they won’t eat the peeling. I’m no role model folks.

Sorry I’m not sorry.

I went on vacation – it was good. But if I’m really honest with myself I can say I’d rather have been at home. It’s hard to explain but leaving home, being “social”, pretending I was having the best time of my life, being in strange hotels, eating food I don’t like, being in a car for 36 hours, knowing work was piling up….was really, really hard for me. Yes, I did it and yes, I am proud….but it’s not for me. When I tell someone that and they tell me I’m lame or stupid or that I’m not fun – I want to punch them. I *AM* fun – but I’m fun in MY territory, MY home, MY surroundings. I don’t need to go anywhere to be me. I don’t even want to go anywhere. If that makes me someone you don’t like – great – I’m sorry I’m not sorry about that. Go travel the world – I don’t tell you you’re stupid for doing that, do I? I have social anxiety that most will never understand. It’s unexplainable. I can force myself to get out of my box BUT it doesn’t mean it’s easy or that I want to.

Sorry I’m not sorry.

I am a weight loss snob. I have met a few people from where we just visited – but each time I met them I was pregnant. No one had ever seen me not pregnant. Hence, no one saw me thin either. No one ever knew that prior to pregnancies I was heavy without a baby for an excuse. So consequently, not a damn person said anything to me about how I looked – 70 lbs lighter – blood, sweat and tears later. My sis-in-law lost 30 pounds doing Jenny Craig. EVERYONE said something cuz they see her every year. I wanted to say “HEY I LOST DOUBLE THAT!!” I wanted to scream “Do you know how many miles I ran and how many hours I spent away from my family working out?” But I did not. I let her have her moment. All the while wanting to scream and pull out my fat pictures and prove to them they should be proud of me too.

Sorry I’m not sorry.

Every time I see my husband’s mother and father I want to deck them. Like real life – punch them in the face. My entire body screams “please, never ever let my husband end up like you in any way”. They are good people….but I do not understand them.

Sorry I’m not sorry.

Just like Mrs. Fatass….I’m pretty sure I’m going to eat chocolate the rest of my life. Some days, maybe even weeks I won’t have any. Other days I’ll probably eat more than I should. I will never be a food snob. I won’t parade around saying, “I will never eat processed food or ever eat anything that nature didn’t create and I’d rather die than consume aspartame.” Sometimes though I know I shouldn’t I will eat my favorite pizza simply because it carries memories and it tastes like heaven and I have that choice, not for any other emotional reason. I will try every day to be healthy and will continue to aspire to my goal but when it comes down to it – some days the extra 10 pounds I carry just don’t mean shit to me.

Sorry I’m not sorry.

And finally, dammit….I am who I am. I’m so sick of apologizing for being me and trying to be something more, something better or someone else – who loves more, does more or weighs less. Every single day I do the best that I can. According to many, I work too much and have too many jobs. I care too much and love too much, always giving more to others than I give to myself. I take what you say to heart and if you say the wrong thing it stays with me and cuts me to the core and I spend my life trying to change your mind. I worry – incessantly – about things that will never occur. I am scared a lot – about life, the future, my children’s futures, money and letting my dreams go. I can find dark places in my mind that I rarely go to – for fear of never coming out of them. I choose to keep my depression a secret from the people around me – not because I’m ashamed – but because I don’t have the words to make anyone understand and I want understanding – not pity. I spend hours picking out something to wear and getting ready because people will be looking at me only to get there and realize no one gives a damn what I look like and I get mad that I cared that much. I read a lot. I write a lot. I have nightmares a lot. I only really love a few people in my life – Rambo, Jenny, my kids, family – because loving more than that is too much of a risk that I’m not willing to take….not yet anyway.

I am me, Drazil and Sheniqua. I always will be.

Sorry I’m not sorry.

Now I dare you to write your own “sorry I’m not sorry” post…..what are you not sorry for?

23 comments:

Gail said...

I just love reading your blog.

Dazee Dreamer said...

And I'm not sorry at all that I read your blog. I love how open you are!!!

DB said...

We love who you are - and you should never be sorry about who you are. You have touched so many people with your blog dear beautiful girl. Once again - "I get you". xoxoxox

MrsFatass said...

That's my girl. How good did THAT feel?

Some day we should get together and compare social anxieties. I'd say we could talk on the phone about it, alas, phone phobia is one of mine. lol.

Thanks for playing. I love you like peanut butter loves jelly.

Jo said...

I'm glad you're not sorry about any of these things! Just be YOU.

MandaPanda said...

Great post (as usual)! A lot of my "not sorries" are the same as yours - chocolate, inlaws, and time away from my kids. Maybe I'll do my own post but not sure I could say it as well as you already have.

Corletta said...

Gosh....
A post like this takes some guts and lots of thought. My favorite part was when you said that you would eat your young if you were a stay at home mom!! bahahahaha

Amy said...

Wow, I love this post and I think you are brave for writing it. I agree with a lot your sorry's, which made me feel better :)

Kristin said...

Great post! I'm with you and Mrs. Fatass on the leaving my kids sometimes thing. It completely recharges my batteries. I don't feel bad about it.

I hope you're not too anxious about Chicago. I view the BOOBS weekend as a time when everyone gets to do whatever they want. You can hang with the crowd, you can do stuff with Jenny, you can sit in your room and read. I'm looking forward to all of it.

Brooke said...

I don't have kids (yet) and I already resent the idea that I have to be mother goose 24/7. That's not even healthy, let alone practical.

In my books, you have nothing to apologize for ;-)

Jennifer said...

Love this! You are perfect just how you are. :)

Fiona said...

I'm not sorry that my tiny apartment is a mess while I am reading your amazing blog. I have dark places too and I can't tell either because I don't understand them enough to explain and I don't want pity either. Also you may not wish to travel but I bet you are amazing to visit. And who cares if you are not? You are allowed to be you. We love you for it x

Jenny said...

I love the way you write. No one is perfect, we are human. I love this post.

Jess said...

You're so good. You should have your own book called the Drazil Chronicles! awesome!

rosiemomma said...

O my word. Only my third time here and it's as if I'm reading about myself. Do we have the same in-laws? My kids were gone for a week and I hardly thought about them. Experiencing a huge sense of relief here feeling like I'm not alone! yay!!!!

Ice Queen said...

Well, I'm not sorry that I read your blog. I'm not sorry that I agree with you about parenting. I am not sorry that you are who you are. Flawed, feeling, human beings are far, far more interesting to get to know than cookie-cutter Little Mrs. Perfects.

:D

Just Me said...

I love it. Thanks for posting.

Jess said...

<3

Cat said...

Read yours, and read Mrs. Fatass', as well. I think I will have to say Sorry, I'm not sorry I read it, and will have to write up a sorry, not sorry of mine own!

Thanks!

Cat

Sandy Lee said...

We missed your witty posts. Did you know that Canadians are always sorry for everything. If someone bumps into us, we say "sorry". They did a study and found we were the sorriest people in the world. So Sorry, I'm not sorry I am a Canadian who will always say sorry. Hope you can get out of your comfort zone for BOOBs or you will be sorry!

Miss S. said...

Great one Draz. I wish I had your balls.

Lucas said...

I love you. I love your crazy. I love your NOT sorry's! You are raw and beautiful. Thank you for posting Draz. I'm NOT sorry I found you!!!!!

"Sasha" said...

Loved this post!