Monday, September 20, 2010

1 Day Clean....

I should have named myself Chatty Chatty Won’t Shut Up instead of Drazil when I picked my blog name huh? You’re going to have to bear with me. I’ve mentioned this is a monumental week for me and when I’m nervous, I talk (or write in this case.)


Now to the heart of my Monday post….motivation.

My motivation and goal this week is to just do what I know is the right thing for my body. Last night I had 3 pieces of pizza, a handful of candy corn (which by the way Satan invented) and M&Ms. YAY Draz. Pat yourself on your fat back. Nah, I’m actually not beating myself up over it. I’m not telling myself it was a slip up and it’s okay either. It happened. It’s over. I have to learn from it.

Side note: Halloween candy is like Easter candy by the way. At Easter if they put a Milky Way in a pretty pastel package it tastes better. On Halloween when they make Kit Kats with orange chocolate and M&Ms in fall colors – they taste better. You can try to deny it – but you’re wasting your time.

Anyway, since I’m doing low carb – clearly last night was a binge. And later of course I physically didn’t feel good. When I do well and eat low carb, I feel great. I had gestational diabetes…I don’t handle sugar and carbs well. I need to remember that. I need to remember I’m basically a food addict. A meth user can’t have one hit and be fine. A cigarette smoker can’t have one cigarette and not want another one. An alcoholic can’t have one sip and claim to still be sober. An addict is an addict is an addict. It’s not a pretty word nor are the connotations behind it…..and I’m not sure I’ve ever called myself one but my tendencies sure are pointing in that direction.

It’s my life – my health – my addiction and I can’t have binges and say I’m getting healthy. I can’t binge and say “I’m on a low carb diet”. I can’t binge and say I gave up abusing my body with food years ago…when my actions deny that. Weekend or not, special occasion or not, at goal weight or not, on a certain diet or not….I need to be “sober” every day and make the commitment. I need to plan – and not have an excuse to order pizza. I need to not buy a bag of candy corn. Having those things didn’t make my life better – didn’t create some life changing memory – didn’t help my health….they only took me off plan in mind and body….and at the core of who I am it’s not what I want for who I am today.

I don’t want to tell myself it’s okay, it was one meal, you’ll be fine. I’d never tell a meth user who’d been sober for a year that it’s fine if they took just one hit. It’s not really okay. One meal matters to my health, my mind set, my cholesterol and blood pressure. It matters. I told myself it was okay for years – now I’m telling myself it’s not. I’m making it serious….because for too many years I made it a joke.

If you think I’m being too hard on myself and I should ease up and realize it was one mistake…I get that. But get this. I was supposed to go in for annual lab work today. For my cholesterol and blood pressure that are borderline needing meds. I didn’t go. After the crap I ate yesterday – it wouldn’t have been good and could have put me on meds. Had I eaten well like I normally do – I would have gone. The results would have been accurate and reflective of who I am. Had I gone today, it would have been like a drug addict taking a urine test – it would have came back positive…..even if for a full year before he had been drug-free.

One day does make a difference. One day + one day + one day eventually equals a week which equals a month which equals years of my life that I already spent unhealthy and not caring. I’m not mad at myself or berating myself in my head. I’ve done that for way too many years too. I’m so over that. I am simply admitting I made a mistake. I am contemplating in my mind why I let it happen. I am learning from it. I am not giving up. I am starting over today – day 1 sober – clean - healthy.

Because it’s that important to me. I talk like an alcoholic or drug addict who has gotten clean – often saying – “I’ve been healthy for 4 years now…lost 70 pounds and kept it off.” If I wanna continue to talk the talk – I better learn to walk the walk.

Addicts are prone to relapses. Relapses can either define us or ruin us. We can either stay fallen or get up.

I wanna be in the group that gets back up. The group that knows exactly how many days they’ve been sober or healthy or clean…..

And to be clear, I’m not downplaying drug or alcohol addiction or its severity or difficulty…nor am I downplaying health and obesity. Obesity kills just like drugs and alcohol and other addictions. It ruins lives, creates depression, carries stereotypes, causes us to lose relationships and jobs and self-worth. It’s becoming a world-wide epidemic and I feel like it’s about time we took it as seriously as other addictions.

For me, it’s real. And it’s a hard fight…just like any addiction. But I’m strong…and I’m going to knock it on it’s ass. 

You with me?

22 comments:

Mary H. said...

It is an addiction. Eating (or maybe I should say OVER-eating) for pleasure is something that not everyone experiences, but when you do, it's HARD to get rid of that mind-set. It's not easy when stores are CONSTANTLY stocked with holiday goodies. It used to be that those Reeses treats only came out at easter and now they have them shaped like bats and christmas trees and hearts...I'm surprised they don't have George Washington's head for Presidents day! And WHY is it that candy corn only looks good at Halloween? Any other time of the year it's the lowest form of candy on the planet...

I understand why you are not being easy on yourself. I think that "easy on yourself" mind-set is thought to help people not give up after a "failure", but you seem to let it kick your arse into gear! Good attitude to have!

Keep fighting the good fight, Drazil! :)

Stephanie said...

A band is only a piece of plastic. The bond we have is SO much more. You could be wearing a trash bag and you'd look like Giselle Bundchen in my eyes. Rock on with your bad self in that pencil skirt and snakeskin heels!

Ice Queen said...

Yeah girl. You know I am. :D

Jacquie said...

I'm with you girlfriend!

Lucas said...

I consider myself prone to addiction. Food, alcohol, cigarettes, ATTENTION, I'm a want it now damn the consequences kind of girl, much to my own detriment, so I smell what you're cookin' kid. These are important things to think about. It's a slippery slope between keeping yourself on the straight and narrow and beating yourself up over occasional slip ups. As long as self love is your central theme, I think you'll be ok. (In otherwords, own that you ate the candycorn and move on, don't beat yourself up over it...but it sounds like that's right where you are.)

Keep on fighting the good fight and remember that success means getting up just one more time than you fall down.

Marie said...

Loved this post. Especially about waiting to have your blood work because you ate like crap the day before. How often does that happen to people and F's up your results! I think it was smart to do that!!

Leslie said...

God, I'm so with you on the seasonal version of candy. Shape an already orgasmic Reese Cup like a pumpkin, a tree or an egg, and it becomes a multiple O!

I keep threatening to go back to low carb, but I have to get over my Olive Chips from Food Should Taste Good first. Good luck.

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

Draz.

I'm right there with you. But, it is gonna take me a lotta work to keep my momentum up for the next hour, day or month. Good fest.

Lisa said...

Draz,

I loved this post. I loved that you were honest, serious and compassionate with yourself. This post feels like I should stand up and shout, "Testify sister!" So this is me, doing that...figuratively of course. Your perspective helps me on my journey of living a healthy life. Thank you!

Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

Totally with you. I've been putting off blood work for a good month because I don't feel like my eating is going to give me good results. Good or bad, I vow to get it done before Chicago though. And yes, of course candy tastes better when they make it pretty colors. :)

Beth said...

I am right there with ya sistah, ummm I wish I would have read this last week in the midst of what I may hve to call the 7 days binge of September, umm all I can say it it involved a tub of chocolate fudge icing. I love the way you talk abut sugar addiction and binges - there are dangerous and one hit can turn into a full on relapse. The one thing that (I think) makes it so much worse is with someone who is addicted to sugar ( or any type of food really) is that we have access to it at and food is everywhere, at the store, at work, the gas station. Annd you can't just quit food cold turkey, you have to eat to survive.

LDswims said...

A lot to think about. I don't know that I can claim I'm with you quite yet. I'm watching things unfold right now and I'm testing the waters if you will. I'm trying to learn the difference between letting a compulsion for some sort of food rule me vs. really needing food. I don't think chicken wings have to be my undoing so long as I am the one controlling it. Like I said, still playing with it, still seeing how things are unfolding. I know that fat is not my friend and carbs must be controlled. But I also know that my body without carbs is a catastrophe and too much fruit, especially of certain kinds of fruit, can be worse than one chicken wing.

You've got me thinking, though. In addition to all that I am already processing, this plays in. And blogs are coming as I start to finally put pieces together.

Great blog!

L A U R A said...

You are so right! The best thing to do is accept it and move on. Dwelling on it will make you want to do it again.

Just Me said...

As always, love your post. I agree with what Mary H. says as well - overeating for pleasure is an addiction. Funny how one person's candy corn is another one's M&M's. If I had only candy corn and Oreo's - I'd never overeat - hate them - but M&M's, now that's a different story. Inspiring post, Drazil, said in a most eloquent way. You're not attacking anyone, but you are getting your point across loud and clear. Congrats Chatty girl.

Cindylew said...

When have I and Horton not been with you...you little knucklehead.

Barbara said...

Oh Draz.. you hit this one head on.. CARBS are SATAN to me too.. M&Ms are a weakness, and I love those damn Oreo's even though they make a mess on my pearly whites.. but it does seem like after you have one carb you graze on to the next one you can find.. hang in there. you are a strong chicka!!

Diz said...

Hahahaha- I just got your comment on my blog. ILYG MORE!! You don't have to say anything- I know you're my friend regardless and that's enough for me. (And ps- carbs are satan to me too and they're all I'm eating today in celebration of my effing singleness). XOXOXO

Diz said...

BTW- I love your post. It's real, and I agree 100% that it should be taken more seriously (obesity). I just watched that movie Supersize me and it seriously was so disturbing to me. We cannot keep killing ourselves through obesity and keep acting like it's not going to happen to us, or it's not us. IT IS. And you're 100% right- every day MATTERS. EVERY DAY. But good for you for not beating yourself up- you shouldn't. It won't do you any good but make you feel bad about yourself. Just forgive yourself and move on. You'll do better next time. You've already done better- like when everyone in the office got death take out and you were "sober" and had a healthy sandwich. YAY!!! xo- I seriously do love your guts and think you're fabulous. And you're a serious inspiration.

Genie @ Diet of 51 said...

You are so right about taking obesity seriously. It is the root of many physical and psychological problems.

Addiction on its ass. Go Draz!

Ali said...

Awesome post. You're so right about the Halloween candy. Candy corn WAS created in the bowels of hell by it's notorious resident. (and with peanuts, its like a salted nut roll) And those cute little orange pumpkins that always accompany the aforementioned candy corn? Pure sugar crack! I LOVE that stuff. But....seriously, after reading this blog entry, I am thinking I shouldn't. Because seriously, once I eat one, I will eat tons of them. One right after the other, until their gone. And I have no reason to believe that my band will stop me from eating them.

Thanks for posting this. You've made me think twice.

The Babbling Bandit said...

As a recovering alcholic and addict, I can tell you that you've hit the nail on the head. Food addiction is exactly the same - we have the same highs while using and the same lows regretting falling off the wagon. As they say in rehab though, with every recovery there is often relapse, but you just need to pick yourself up and start all over again as soon as possible.

One therapist once told me food and shopping addictions are the hardest to crack because you can't stop eating and you can't go through life without spending money, so abstinence is not an option, like it is with drugs and booze.

I have been sober 2.5 years and its easy for me now. But I have to treat bad food, particularly chocolate and sweets, like I treat alcohol - like poison that will make me very, very sick if I succumb to its temptation.

And you are so right, food addiction needs to be taken more seriously in the western world. Here in Australia obesity related illness is now the number one killer of Australians - even over nicotine related deaths!

We all need to do our bit, fight the good fight and keep working with our bands to become healthier people in a healthier world.

Jess said...

Yes! Food is my drug of choice too. And I guess compared to the alternatives it's the better choice but it still sucks! I wish I could just be one of those people who walk around all day and when they are hungry they eat a celery stick and are happy. That would be LOVELY!