Friday, September 10, 2010

A day in the life of Draz.

This is why I am crazy folks. These are little tidbits taken from one day in my life.

I dropped my 4 yr old Banana off at the mother-in-law’s house. In order to ensure she wouldn’t hang on to my leg for dear life – the night before I made her pinky swear she wouldn’t cry when we got there. (which by the way – have any of you ever pinky swore with a 4 yr old’s pinky – it is seriously precious)

Anyway, yup, I’ve been reduced to pinky swears so I can start my morning off without tears. She didn’t cry. She sat in the back instead with her most pitiful voice saying, “Mama, I don’t want to go to Grandmas.”

Well shit on a stick…neither do I. I’d rather stick toothpicks in a lion’s eye. *sigh*

At work, Explosive Man rode his bike to work. A pretty, fancy Harley. Wanna know what he wore for a coat to match the pretty Harley? Yup, the blaze orange deer-hunting jacket (with his professional suit and tie underneath). Apparently he thinks he’s riding around in the woods or something. Apparently his wife wasn’t home when he left the house. I’m surprised his deer rifle isn’t strapped to his back like a real redneck.

He promptly arrived at work and exploded in the bathroom – so loud I nearly pissed my pants when I heard it. I thought for sure this time he blew his leg off. I just don’t understand how a person can sound like that and come out alive.

Oh and Martha Stewart, my friendly neighborhood co-worker across the hall, has a cold. Great green donkey dicks….her and Explosive Man should get together and start a band. I don’t understand how someone who puts out matching linens each night at supper can blow her nose and sound like a whale – numerous times. I mean once and I’d chalk it up to a mistake blow. But over and over – well, I’m about to put a sign on her door that says “whaling not allowed in building”. Again, I just don’t understand.

So I get home from a hard day’s work and Rambo is waiting. Damn him and his good moods. Who works with the worst criminals on Earth and comes home smiling and dancing like a fairy? (and I mean that in the most manly way possible) Rambo does. Me? Not so much. He follows me to my closet and hugs me tight, shoos the kids away and says, “Cheer up or I’ll ravage you right here on top of all these shoes you own.” Oh yah, that’d be comfortable. This guy needs to read a trashy romance novel like I said – not once does one ever mention doing it on top of shoes. Romance oozes out of Rambo….for realz. It’s okay to envy me…I understand.

We visit friends later. And you all know my love of anything to do with poo and gas. Well, we’re sitting having an adult conversation – it is fun, we are using big words, we are not being parents. Hence - it is fun. All of a sudden we hear a fart that could rival the Pearl Harbor bomb. I mean it was enough to stop all 4 of us adults in mid-sentence.

What do we do?

First – we know we have to acknowledge someone just blew up cuz we all heard it. Second – we have to make sure they all have their limbs. Third – we have to decide which of us will be changing and cleaning up our kid and vomiting the whole time. Fourth – the boys start the chest-puffing ritual and take turns saying, “Oh, I’m sure that was my girl. She can rip them off like a man. That’s my princess. I taught her well.”

And that’s when we look over and all 4 girls are laughing uncontrollably. Turns out my 9 year gave the 2 year one of those fake raspberry farts on her stomach.

Good God that IS funny. Crisis averted. It’s time to go home.

I climb into bed thinking if I have to hear one more bodily function in this day – I will cut off my own ears.

……and Rambo starts snoring.

And he is now peckerless. The end.


Ms. Chunky Chick said...

Ha ha! That will teach him :) Love you girl your a nut

L A U R A said...

Kids are so funny. You just never know what they're gonna do or say, lol. As a soon-to-be-step-mom, I've been bonding with my fiance's son who is 7. Some of the things he says, you just can't help but laugh. Anyway, just wanted to stop by and say hi. I found you through MF's blog. I look forward to reading more about your journies :)

MandaPanda said...

Wow. You have been excused for your craziness. Explosive man would kill me. We got one guy who bicycles to work and actually wears his helmet and sunglasses into the building and doesn't take them off until he's seated as his desk. This is usually after stopping at breakroom for coffee. Seriously? Ya gonna fall over in the building? Weirdos.

Dazee Dreamer said...

omg woman. that was freaking hilarous!!! especially biker dude. Being that I work with nothing but men, I understand. Thanks for the friday pick-me-up.

-Grace- said...


Lucas said...

Uh-oh. I am getting the idea that you have the same illness I have. I have deemed it "Auditorily Hypersensitive!" and if you have it too, well that just makes me love you all the more! I have been in that same sort of office scenario (minus the explosions) but the gum popping and the verbal ticks and the "oops here comes my lung" coughing all drive me MAD!

Anyway, hilarious post kiddo. Love it when you just pour it all out on the page like that. And thanks for following Captured Choices. That makes me all warm and tingly!

Building Blocks Bootcamp said...

Congrats on your first ever guest post! I came over here from MF's site! Just got caught up and I love - love - love your posts! I even added you to my blog roll - hope you don't mind!
You, me and MF need to get together for drinks - without the kidos! lol!

DB said...

I just pee'd myself!

Miss Vickie "The Queen Bee" said...

Hysterical as usual, Draz!

Kara said...

I wear a bright yellow jacket when I ride (although I'm not upscale enough to have a Harley - it's just a basic Honda). It has nothing to do with thinking I'll be shot by a rogue deer hunter and hoping to god that the morons who drive cars might maybe have a chance of seeing me and not running me off the road or smearing me all over the pavement. Usually I laugh at your posts but this one seriously annoyed me. As a motorcyclist who has seen my fair share of horrible accidents and has experienced being "not seen" by clueless drivers I support ANYTHING that makes a biker more visible to people encased in their steel cages who are too freaking clueless to realize they're not the only people on the road.

Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

LMAO... I now have a comic book image of Exploding Man dancing in my mind. We need an artist rendering!

Ice Queen said...

Draz, you're killing me!

Why can't Explosive Man do that shit at home, where it belongs? Okay, he needs a good dose of public humiliation. I mean such a big dose that every time he enters the bathroom at work, his asshole slams shut and he couldn't explode in there to save his nasty, rude, disgusting life.

How about gathering a bunch of like minded individuals together and when he hits the toilet to explode, at the first blow, you all applaud, bang on the door, hoot, holler, tell him that he's the man! and so forth. And repeat until he is exploding at home.

I am evil. And yes... For the record, I would totally do that. ^^

Sherry said...

You crack me up!

Jess said...

I like the peckerless part. Good idea!

Diz said...

I hope your weekend is fabulous!!!! Love you, love your little fam and love your stories. XO!


DiZneDiVa said...

You crack me up!! *Maria*