Thursday, September 2, 2010

Fairy tales are bullsh*t.

Hi turdmuffins. I will be participating in Amy’s Thousand Word Thursday later tonight – gotta take my pic first.

It’s been two weeks without a BYOC – are you all excited to get back to it or do you want it to go away for good?

Last night went well. If you recall I had to put on a presentation about how the Board I work for has turned things around after being granted a raise. I talked too fast since I was nervous but my focus was on congratulating and telling everyone at the meeting about the awesome job everyone else does and that made it easier. It felt good to tell them that less than two years ago we were borrowing money from other townships just to pay our electric bill and now we have over $220k in the bank. The board and Mayor were impressed so it was a success. If this social anxiety ridden girl never has to do it again though – that’ll be fine by me.

After that – I got another migraine. That makes 4 this week. That makes too many. Another trip to the neurologist is in my future. Part of me knows the migraines are coming because I’m back from vacation and that stresses me out and part of me knows my migraines are just plain and simple from the stress I carry. For example…..

Remember the brother who lost his job? Yah, you’d think he’d need/want family with him now. You’d think in this economy he’d be freaking out. He lost an upper management position he held for 10 years. Big stuff here. If Rambo or I lost our jobs you can bet we’d be on full on freak out hit the pavement with our resumes in our hands mode.

But what does my brother say? “Meh, I knew it was coming. I’ve worked since I was 15 years old – I’m enjoying the time off.”

Excuse me while I go scream bloody murder at the insanity of that statement. Rambo has worked since he was 8 – milking freaking cows. Welcome to adulthood. Welcome to real life. Ever heard of paid time off – that’s what a vacation is for. This is not that kind of “time off”. You are unemployed with 3 months severance in your hand and you think you got it made.

He said, “I’m deciding what I really want and where to interview. I have time.” You’ve got Jell-O for brains buddy.

Anyone wanna guess who he’s gonna call when his condo goes into foreclosure?

Well he will call but I won’t answer. Because I’m done.

Because of all this going down, on Monday my little over-achieving caring brain thought up a plan. Wouldn’t it be cool to go see said brother as one would assume he could use some family time? He lives three hours away. Little brother lives in the same town so we could see him too. And wouldn’t it be extra cool if I could get my parents to go too? And my sister and her boyfriend? I could keep that a secret and surprise them. What a happy little fairy tale right?

Fairy tales are bullshit. Fairies aren’t real. Neither are my plans.

It turned out that the 6 of us could actually do it which is downright earth shattering. If you think I’m anti-social – my father is me times about…oh 60! Remember I can be in house visiting with my kids and never see him or speak to him – and he’s there. He has it bad. So for him to want to go and do this and all of us to have a family day – well, like I said….freaking. earth. shattering. I was hopeful. I felt like a real family. When things get tough – families pull together. I felt like a bonafide country song.

All that was left to do was confirm with the brother….again. On Monday he had said, “Sounds good, I have time.” Wednesday I called to confirm. His reply?

“I’ll be out of town all weekend at a wedding.”

The bottom fell out. My heart sank. I wanted to cry.

So I figured well what the hell – I might as well tell him our parents and sister and her boyfriend were all coming. He says nothing. He actually said, “Well I don’t know about you guys but if you could come during the week, that’d work great for me.” JERKOFF. Of course it would – you don’t have to work. Meanwhile I’m still tied to my THREE jobs…so is Rambo and the rest of us. I hung up. I have nothing left to say.

Oh wait – yes I do. I have to call the parents and tell them it’s off. I have to break their hearts. I have to call my little sister – tell her it’s off. Piss her off. I have to call little brother’s girlfriend – tell her the surprise won’t happen. I have to cancel our sitters.

I have to get a migraine.

I have to admit we aren’t the family I wanted us to be – once again. I have to admit none of us ever spend time with each other. I have to admit he doesn’t give a damn about me. I went to Louisiana for 8 days – he didn’t know I was gone. I do not exist in his world….until he needs something.

He owes me money. Money he’ll spend at the wedding all weekend. Money he should be saving because he’s unemployed. Money that I really don’t give a damn about.

I am done. Done wanting someone to care about me so badly that I force it, beg for it, dream about it. I don’t have the energy to keep this farce of a relationship up. There are people in my life who actually call me first and want to spend time with me. Hard to believe I know….but it’s true.

My heart is broken….the truth is…it has been for a long time when it comes to him. He never wanted me – ever. In high school, he wouldn’t claim me, wouldn’t be seen with me, wasn’t my friend, and let people say whatever they wanted. I thought it was youth. Now I know different. I know I sound dramatic but this was that whole “straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back”…..and it’s time I faced the facts.

I have never existed as a real valid person to him….ever.

It is over.
I am done trying.

Funny thing is….I’m only a little sad. I’m more angry than anything. Angry it took this long for me to wake up and realize this was never gonna end like I thought it would. I’m angry I have never told him how much he hurt me in high school and after. I am angry I don’t value myself more than to let someone walk all over me for most of my life.

I am angry that brother….doesn’t automatically mean friend.

I am angry that I can’t just let go….grieve the loss….and move on. Just once I want to be the kind of person who doesn’t give a flying f*ck.

Until I figure out how to be that person….I’ll just go on being angry I guess.

And the self-inflicted migraines will continue....


Jennifer said...

I'm sorry Twink. Hugs. I LOVE YOU!

-Grace- said...

I'm sorry Draz. Love you, girl. *HUGS* (Real hugs in only 22 days!)

Lucas said...

Family stuff is SO hard. I have family members too that just aren't what I wished they were. It sucks. Sorry you're hurting.

And I think this might be the first time ever, anyone has called me a turdmuffin. ;)

Beth said...

Sometimes people suck, they suck even more when they are family and are supposed to love you no matter what and fail to do so. You cannot change him, but you can change yourself. Sounds to me like you need to tell him how you feel, or maybe just write it out, write him a letter telling him how you feel. Let it out - so you can move on!

Pamela E. Williams said...

There probably no words that will help with the brother stitch, but I do know that you are on your way to healing from that situation. You are reconizing the anger and the route it took to get to that point. Wash your hands of it. There is a such thing as loving from afar.

Ice Queen said...

Aw, sweetie. *hug*

Family doesn't automatically mean friend. I have also had to learn that the hard way. And to just let it be and let it go. It isn't easy. And it takes time but it is possible. And your first step has to be not hating yourself and punishing yourself for accepting that and then just letting it be what it is. Trust me, Draz, when you reach that point, you will be happier and more at peace without his poison in your atmosphere.

And, by the way, you are so, so, so worth calling first. That is for the record. *muah!*

Brooke said...

Hey Draz, I hear ya! My sister and I haven't talked in a year (well a bit at my dad's funereal but unlike my usual pattern of seeking her out, I didn't go out of my way to be around her then).

Honestly, not talking to her has not made a difference either way. We made a tentative peace at his funereal, I'll always love her, always want the best for her, but really, I can't have her in my life when she's sick. Been there, done that for 15 years, it's a waste of time.

So I say let your brother go if you need to. You don't even have to tell him you've taken a giant step away. He'll figure it out or he won't (which is scary but narcissists usually are!). You put a lot of energy into that relationship and get nothing back when there's no reason why you shouldn't!

And I hope the migraines get better. Fall is coming so I know I'll have more (the barometric pressure does a number on me) do you get more in the fall, too?

Stephanie said...

Draz, I took your advice when I was going through my own issues with my brother and so now it it time to hand it right back to you. You do not need the toxicity in your life. You are better than the drama and the stress. he is a grown up and is making choices, bad ones as it seems. I never thought I could sever ties with my brother, but I knew I had to. So I did and we have talked once in 2 months and it was a very short conversation at that. Do I miss him? Surprisingly not as much as I thought. having that stress and drama out of my life was the best thing for me. I feel better mentally and physically. When he gets his shit straight he can prove to me he is a changed person through his actions, not just words. Until then, I need to be the best person for me and my husband and daughter, just like YOU need to be for YOURS. Do not let your brothers failures and irresponsibilities be YOUR cross to bear. You are beetter than that and you deserve more. I love you!!! :)

kagead said...

Hugs to you, Draz. I know it is soooo much easier said than done, but you can't control what others do. You can only control your reaction to them.

He isn't worth it. His hangups are all his. It sucks for those around him, but it is what it is. YOU are not disappointing your parents, HE is. HE is the one who bailed, and they should know that. If you take the blame for this, you are only helping him which I am fairly certain is the last thing you want to be doing right now.

Focus your energy where it is helpful and appreciated. Don't confuse obligation and affection. There are people and places and causes that will welcome you. Find them and let them know the awesomeness that is Drazil.

Bonnie said...

You can choose your friends, but not your family and sometimes family aren't friends, which is a damn shame. I'm sorry you don't have the relationship you want with your brother. I have 2 very different brothers and have 2 very different relationships. It is what it is. I can't change them - only how I relate to them and that's what I've done. XO

MandaPanda said...

So sorry your brother and family aren't what you need them to be. Sometimes family just suck.

tessierose said...

Hang in there honey!

The CilleyGirl said...

Wow. Pretty damn conceited of you to assume that you know what is best for your brother in all of this, how it will end up, etc. To quote Jane Austen, you aren't taking into account differences in situation and temperment. It sounds like he has felt stuck in a rut after all those years and he wants to reevaluate rather than stress himself into daily migraines just because that's what you're supposed to do. I like you a lot Draz and agree with you on many, many things, but your way isn't always the way. It could save you a lot of pain if you live your own life and let others live theirs how they will. You know you're never going to change them, yet you keep trying and some times it seems that it's not because you want something better for them but because you want them to praise you for being such an awesome, together person. Which, you are, but can't it be enough that you and Rambo know it?

Joey said...

Oh pumpkin are right - you can't get your self worth from anyone else. You can't make him love you my your definition of love. You know what they say - your friends are God's way of apologizing for your family. And we are your friends, darling.

3 weeks until I make you give me piggy-back rides up and down the hotel hallways!! What? You think I'm kidding? xoxox

Cindylew said...

Hang in there cupcake...he's is not worth 1. more. migraine.

Stephanie said...

Just reading the comments and I have to ask, is that The CilleyGirl serious? It's not you being conceited, not in the f'ing slightest and don't dare think that YOU are being self serving.

Ginger said...

i love byoc, it is my only chance to be crazy. ;p

on a side note true family should want to be a family but some people are just crazy and you cant depend on them to make you happy. it has to come from you. -hugs- and no more freakin migraines