Saturday, September 18, 2010

I called Mrs. Fatass and got God's Mom instead.

I'm not normally a weekend blogger but I just couldn't wait for this..

Alright - I hope you have a cup of coffee and your warm fuzzy lion slippers on and you're all comfy, cozy - cuz I got a doozy of a story for you.  It involves a fellow blogger you all know and love and it is funny if you ask me.

The other day I got an email.......from Mrs. Fatass.  I see her name in my inbox....I smile...this is not unusual.  I look forward to her emails.  This one though?  Um....this one induced hives, nauseau and instant diarhea.  Okay maybe I exaggerated on that last one but still.  I was at work and the only thing worse than diarhea is having diarhea in public trying to be quiet about it.  Anyway - I put on my big girl panties, sucked it up, took a deep breath and kept reading.

In summary - the email said:

Hey ______ - and in that blank space she used my REAL name.  It's bad when that happens.  It's like when your mom finds out you melted crayons on the stove burners and screams your entire first, middle and last name.  It's your cue to RUN!  MF and I routinely use our code names...not real names.  I knew this was serious.  I was already hyperventilating.

Then she said, "Could you call me?"  Yes, MF I could - but that would require the earth to move and pigs to fly.  I call three people in my life.  Rambo, Jenny and my mom.  MF is not on that list.  Until now.

She continued, "I know this sucks.  I don't want to call you anymore than you want to call me.  We'll make it short.  I just don't feel like typing.  Let's set a timer for 5 minutes.  We can do this."

Just a minute...I have to get the calomine lotion for the hives that have creeped all the way down my ass by now.  How does she expect me to pick up the phone when I need both hands to itch said ass hives?  I need a bucket for the vomit rising in my throat.  I'm sweating like the Devil.  Is it hot in here?  My face is red.  What's my blood pressure right now?

You all think I'm kidding.  A little - but really - not a lot.  This is the range of my social anxiety - and this is the range of how much I will fight it until these feelings don't happen when a dear friend asks me to call - this is the range of how far I have come in fighting my fears.

Sooooo...I trust MF.  If her life will be complete by hearing my voice....I shall fulfill her dream.  I dial the phone number cuz if I wait much longer I will never do it. 

Ring.  Ring.  Ring.  Someone picks up.  She's going to answer.  Holy shit - I'm really doing this.  Would it be rude if I hung up now?

I hear "Helllooo" in the oldest, crabbiest, I have smoked 6 packs a day for 30 years voice I have ever heard in my life and I say, "Sue????????" 

She says, "NO!" 

Oops - wrong number.  F*ck a duck!

Can you imagine if I would have said, "Mrs. Fatass - is that you?"  I think that old lady would have pooped her pants.  In her defense....it was pertty early in the morning....so um, yah, at that precise moment - I lost my nerve. 

First MF wants me to call her and then she gives me the wrong number?  Is she trying to kill me?

I then email MF and tell her, "Okay - you're gonna have to call me cuz I just called an 80 year old woman and nearly called her a Fatass." 

See how I did that?  Now I'm making her call me - it was all part of my evil plan.

So the phone rings a bit later and I see her number and I know it's MF.  Yes kids - I answered.  Hard to believe but I did.

So it begins.  Having code names makes things hard....how do we address each other?  It seems cah-razy to call another woman Fatass to her face.  I stuck with Sue.

So we chat.  I ask if she has hives.  She does.  I love her more.  We laugh - a lot.  We get straight to the point.  We're not here to mess around - we both know how difficult this is....but we both understand it's still fun and it's also a big step in our lives.  Our time is up.  If we talk any longer our hearts will explode from the sky high blood pressure we've self-induced.  It's time to hang up.

Before we go - we both whole-heartedly agree that the little pissed off old lady will be great blog material.  That little old lady provided us with laughter and an opening to our phone conversation and you all can think it was coincidence if you want....I know it was God intervening.  Hell, it was probably God's mom.

She probably told God "If I don't intervene - both those girls are gonna die of a nervous heart attack or pee their pants or both."

10:23.  That's how long I talked to MF.  I'm pretty sure next time I can do 15:23.  How about you MF?

14 comments:

Cindylew said...

Holy schnike...proud doesn't do how I feel about you justice my friend.

Joia said...

You go girl!

Maria said...

Nice job, Draz! Oh how I would have snorted with laughter if you had actually called that old lady Mrs. Fatass!

Just Me said...

LOL about the lady being MF. Sounds like you really dislike talking on the phone.

Jacquie said...

Great story!

Results Not Typical Girl said...

Ok, I rode the short bus to the blog today. Were you two in a tiff or was it just the sheer anxiety of making real-life human contact? There's fat between my ears and I need you connect the dots. Please and thank you! :)

Justawallflower said...

I understand where you are coming from! My social anxiety is not quite on that level, but i can certainly relate! I am so happy for you to make that milestone!

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

Is it totally rude that I told MF I hate talking on the phone? While I was talking to her? Or that I told her that I hate talking specifically to blogging people on the phone WHILE on the phone with her?

UGH!

Actually it was really fun. But I still need Benadryl.

Gules said...

Yay! Looks like it was a big day for both of you and you got through it. It's amazing how I know so many people who don't like talking on the phone. I never used to either, I'm getting better, but I still am a bit nervy doing it, unless it's with someone I'm 100% confident. I would have LOVED to hear what the Old lady would have said had you opened with " Is this Mrs. Fatass"..would have been hilarious :)

Diz said...

I'm so proud of you girl!!! :) I might make you call me some day...j/k. I still feel like we have a special bond though. LOVE YOUR FACE AND GUTS A LOT! xoxoxo

Band-Babe said...

You might need to hire a PR person if you don't slow down this road! You are so awesome, especially to do what you thought would be difficult, only to find out it was wonderful! You're a great example to me... I wonder how many opportunities I've passed up because I was holding myself back because of myself. Anyway, good thing is... you did it, and you have another wonderful phone friend. That's as much part of a healthy lifestyle as healthy food. You are so amazing!!!

Julie said...

There is one of the things I had missed the most away from blogland your posts! you truly are an inspiration for me :) have a great sunday!

Genie @ Diet of 51 said...

Big step for you! I'm glad you two figured it out, and the wrong number detail is HILARIOUS!!

MrsFatass said...

This is about the fifth time I read this. Thanks for putting it to words so beautifully. It was awesome and horrbible all at the same time, wasn't it?