Wednesday, September 1, 2010

I Wish Wednesday....

Alright, I have officially pulled my sad, rabbit turd bath taking self out of the self-inflicted gutter…..and this drama mama needs her some routine….so routine is what I shall have. I’m gonna do an “I Wish Wednesday”.

Settle down. Hold the applause. Keep on with the wolf whistles though – I like those. I never get hit on like Gilly does so if some of you could whistle at me I’ll call that good enough and pretend in my mind mmkkaayy?

Oh it’s amazing what one day without a migraine will do isn’t it? Oh, oh get this!? I am under my pre-vacation weight AND I worked out last night. Me and Rambo worked out together – sweating our chubby asses off, inhaling our lungs, hacking up our spleens….but dayam it felt good. I looked back and I only worked out 3 days in August. Wowser – worst month yet….funny though I lost the most weight since I restricted carbs and sugar. September will rock – all you Chicas better be scerrred….Draz is on the warpath. I never forget that I have a half marathon to run in a few months….and Chicago is in 23 days.

Holy shitballs and green donkey dicks. Can any of you believe this is actually going to happen? I gotta find a dress to wear. I told Rambo I want one that shows tons of cleavage as I so ladylike-ly grabbed my boobs and squished them together so he could see what I meant. He said, “Um no. I think not. If I was going with you, maybe. But I’m not…so no.” I told him too bad – all the BOOBS were gonna be hot tomales and me and my Spanx gotta try to compete.

Okay – on to I Wish Wednesday.

I wish I could get paid to write. Clearly I can’t shut up in real life or in writing…..people would like me to but I can’t. So here I am. Anyone want to start throwing dollars at me? How about if I put on a G-string you could tuck them into? No? Dang it.
I should submit my children’s books I’ve written to more publishing companies….instead of whining. Stellar idea huh? Doing instead of whining?! I did get asked to guest write for a famous, amazing (in my book anyway) blogger and I feel extremely honored. I’ll keep you posted on that.

I wish my little girl Watermelon wasn’t sick today cuz it’s her first day of school and she’s crouping/coughing like a coonhound. Poor little thing.

I wish I didn’t have to work on the days when I drop my 4 yr old Banana off at daycare when she clings to my neck like it’s the last time she’ll ever see me. Only my body goes to work on days like that. My heart stays there with her….even in its broken state.

I wish I had better hair. Mine sucks a fat baby’s ass. For realz. No lie.

I wish my California king size bed was a Texas king bed. Or hell even a North America South America bed for that matter. One thunderstorm and two kids and one cat who misses us and Rambo means this drama mama can’t move or even fart without touching someone.

I wish I didn’t have to do a presentation for a whole Board of community members tonight….because I will be required to brag. Long story short – I took over being the Treasurer for our Village – it was in bad shape. I had to petition two other villages for money/a raise….it was very hard to do but they gave it to me. Now 1.5 years later I want to go back to those Villages and show them what I did with the money they gave me. The proof is in the pudding but I gotta say it out loud – toot my own horn – and Rambo’s since he’s the President of this Board. We HAVE turned things around. We are completely and utterly in the black with money to spare when just 1.5 yrs ago we couldn’t pay our electric bill. I know this but I don’t want to say it out loud and hear the “congrats” when I’m done. I really don’t. That may sound strange but I don’t know how to take that….I shut myself off from being able to hear it when I figured out long ago as a child it wasn’t coming. If I hear it now – I don’t know what to do with it. I make everything complicated don’t I? Anywhoozle – I’d rather be at home cleaning the oven. Or maybe not.

Lastly, I wish that every time I shaved the whootananny that I didn’t think of you women in blogland. Last night – it was Mrs. Fatass. I must now admit – and Amy W. told me this would happen – that I am getting good at this shaving thing. I’m like a professional landscaper by now…taunting the giner Gods – sometimes even taking a shaving swipe without even looking at what I’m doing. Like a self-propelled remote lawn mower I tell you. Sometimes I don’t use cream. I’m a risk taker I tell you. I’ve gotten bold. I sometimes don’t do the rub down exfoliation that Mrs. Fatass swears by just to tempt fate. But last night I decided I had time. Time for a get in there and get it done scrub. The whole time – all I could think of was Mrs. Fatass. Ridiculous no? Could be – but it’s true. The good thing is the whole bath was filled with Skittles….LOL.

What do YOU wish on this Wednesday?


DiZneDiVa said...

I wish I didn't pee a little when I read about you shaving your VJJ...*Maria*

MrsFatass said...

Oh dear. I fear I shall never stop laughing and blushing at the idea of you shaving your ladyparts in a bath full of skittles thinking of me.

DB said...

I wish I had your imagination & writing ability - your words just flow my dear.

Angela Pea said...

Swiped that blade without LOOKING? Lordy you live on the edge!!

tessierose said...

"All Edward Scissorhandlike" to quote Gilly! lol.
Glad you're feeling better. I was behind on blogs and didn't get to comment on you saying you'll never say it's hot again after being in Louisiana....I know, it's hot as Hell, isn't it?

Just Me said...

I wish I had better hair too and that your little Watermelon was feeling better. I have a soft spot for sick kiddos.

I wish I could go home and read more blogs and I'm glad I read your today (hee hee...)

Beth said...

I wish when you say giner it didn't make me blush - its just one of those words that turns me into a kindygardner. Love your post- you are hilarious. Oh and take in every compliment tonight, you worked hard and succeeded and its about time you learned to be proud of yourself- congrats

Pamela E. Williams said...

Awww I hope Watermelon feels better and that Banana gets better with being dropped off at daycare. Thats got to be hard. Soon when Banana goes to daycare and skips in without so much as a "bye lady who says she's my mom" you will make a face and say "well I never".

Now go do that presentation and kick some BOOOTAY!!!

Andrew said...

I wish we had more men reading and adding material to these bloggs and I wish I was coming to chicago.....

Cat said...

I wish that your kid was feeling better, sick isn't fun for anyone... And I wish that I was a bit more awake since I have two more hours at this desk! :)


Carmen said...

i wish i didn't have the visual of you scraping your cooter with a barbie foot...yes i still have visuals of it! lol

Cindylew said...

I wish I could think of something to blog life must be so incredibly dull that I can't think of a single interesting topic...guess I'll wait for this week's pathetic am I???

Brooke said...


I can so relate to the bad hair. FUCK ME but I do have bad hair. Since I have lost weight there is less of it, too. And what's left can't make up it's mind: is it wavy, straight, kinky or lank?

BTW, I have not shaved my ladybits since my first attempt. Anything that requires me to go to a walk-in clinic t receive medication to soothe said ladybits freaks me out but I am impressed by your ladybit dedication.

And, my dog's name is Skittles. So that created a mental picture I will never forget.

Miz said...


thank you for that.

and me?
Im a little glad Im late to this and shall just deem it THANKFUL THURSDAY...methinks my wish list would have beeen wayway far far too long :)