Wednesday, September 22, 2010

It just comes to me.....

Sorry if I freaked anyone out yesterday….when a “poem” comes to me, I have to write it. I’m either in the mood or not and they come at me strong for about 10 minutes and then it’s over. No idea where yesterday came from – I swear to you I’m fine. I wrote it from a place in the past. Truth be told – this week – with all it’s coming out of the social anxiety closet firsts – is making me reflective and scaring the hell out of me….but damn – it sure does paint a pretty picture of how far I’ve come….and the poetry comes out. I don’t share my poetry easily, if ever, to anyone in my real life….so to put it here is another thing I can now be proud of. With that said….on the way to work….more came to me……I have no idea from where...but here it is....

Finally Free

Since the day you left I can admit there are days, even weeks, where I don’t think of you.
A tear doesn’t fall and the anger has subsided. I have gone on living….I did what I had to do.

Sure I crumbled to the ground…but you sure as hell weren’t going to pick me up off my knees.
I brushed off the dust and I cursed God…for a while I wasn’t sure who I was or what I should be.

I’ve been where you were. I have seen the darkness of emptiness and the depths of hell.
Don’t try to convince me a gun was the only way out because that’s gonna be a tough sell.

While it’s true you shot yourself, it’s also true you shot a part of me that terrible day.
I wasn’t sure I’d ever heal and yet today I stand here telling you I am indeed okay.

Suicide was your answer that became my problem and you didn’t solve a damn thing.
Yet today, I am stronger. I laugh, I smile, I live and on good days sometimes I even sing.

I find delight in rainbows and I believe in unicorns and I see beauty in two little girl’s faces.
Things you’ll never see again because you and I are in completely different places.

You think you only took your life but man, you took that and so much more.
And yet part of me knows you also gave me the courage to fight like never before.

For me, leaving is not an option. In fact, today I believe you took the coward’s way out.
Today as I miss you I realize I’m angrier than ever before – absolutely without a doubt.

I’m becoming the woman you knew I could be…and I’m pissed you’ll never see.
I can’t tell you about my new adventures or about how I am finally at peace.

Don’t you see? When you took your life, you took my vision of who you were to me?
Love is now anger. Respect is now disgust. Time wasted missing you is now me – finally free.

Congratulations Buddy

It’s definitely true that time can heal…but the fact remains that time cannot erase.
How I wish it could…then I’d never again have to see what I thought was your happy face.

That face, the emotions, the laughter – was all a pretense….pretty much a bold-faced lie.
You seemed like a perfect Uncle to me but you were slowly dying on the inside.

You told no one until the day you told everyone with one bullet and a shotgun.
What you did that day changed me at the core and even time can’t make it undone.

So I sit with memories. Visions of driving by your car…knowing inside you sat dead.
Tell me, how is a 15 year old supposed to make any sense of that in my adolescent head?

I have missed you, I have hated you and hated God and yet today….part of me only pities you.
You could have taken my hand at any time…there were other options besides what you chose to do.

I suppose these words are proof that I haven’t forgiven you…and maybe I never will….maybe I should start.
You got to walk away and leave this world while part of your bullet stays with me – lodged forever in my heart.

It’s like shrapnel stuck in an open wound and I’m not sure the bitterness will ever really heal.
Like I said, you left while I remain here and I’m still confused about how I’m supposed to feel.

To say I’m pissed that I still waste my pain on you is quite an understatement.
Even when I want to hate you it becomes quite clear that my love for you is permanent.

You can’t kill my love or end my feelings for you…you don’t have that right.
Now instead of an Uncle you’re nothing but a memory…out of mind and out of sight.

If you wanted to be more than that to me….you should have never picked up that gun.
You just wanted to give up and end your pain. Congratulations buddy…I guess you won.


tessierose said...

Thanks for sharing these, they are lovely.

Jess said...

Very powerful and sad. It's sad to know that something that happened so long ago still effects you so deeply. Thanks for sharing Draz.

Ice Queen said...

I am unable to transfer what I am feeling from my brain to my keyboard. I am reading and I am here and yes, I know that you are okay. I can see and feel it in your words.

Feels to bring it forward and work it through, doesn't it?

Gules said...

You are truly amazing! So brave and honest! These are wonderful and if makes you feel better in any possible way, keep them coming because we're all here for you, everyday. Wow, I even did me-self a little rhyme :)

Lucas said...

Two more great ones Draz. And I would guess you are right, stepping outside your safety zone is indeed giving you strength and courage to address other issues as well. I woke up thinking of you and your road trip this morning. :) Brave girl.

Bonnie said...

You are so talented. It's great you have an outlet for your feelings.

Cindylew said...

Love these...thanks for the reassurance that you're ok.

Yani said...

onces again ur blog make me cry!!! im glad u are fine!!! n onces again i have 2 say i love love ur blog!!!