Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Noodles on my ass and hot dog oatmeal in my car....

Hey Skittles.


You guys should see my fingernail polish…it is bright neon 80s pink…I’m hoping it goes with the BOOBS t-shirts. But dayum – it is bright. If anyone tries to mug me in Chicago, they won’t get away with it. You’ll see my pink nails flailing and flipping the bird and pointing like a spotlight on the dude who tries it.

I haven’t packed a single item yet. For an over-planner over-packer – this little bit of information is making me sick to my stomach. This spontaneous go with the flow crap is a bunch of horseshit.

Fashion show at my mom’s with my sister is tonight. I think I’d rather wrap a bag around my head and have someone beat me with a stick. The thought of it makes me break into hives…but yet I want to do it. I need a woman’s input on my outfits….and *sigh* - Jenny is too far away.

I’m glad I am not flying to Chicago. Seriously – if I had to pack everything for this weekend in one small bag – I wouldn’t go. You think I’m kidding – but I’m not. It’s just not acceptable. Or do-able in my opinion. Apparently airline companies are owned by men or there wouldn’t be such a rule.

My kitty has taken to peeing in clothes baskets all of a sudden. Either he’s pissed off at the world or has a bladder infection. Great – just when I’m leaving town. Cuz yah, I have time for a vet appointment. Sure.

My mom is making lasagna tonight. Great – pasta. I haven’t had pasta in months since I started Atkins. If I tell her that….she’ll do the whole, “So I cooked all day and you’re not going to eat?” guilt trip like any good mom would. I should say – why eat when I could just stick the noodles right on my ass and save myself the chewing work?

Jenny told me I cannot pack 14 curling irons. I’m only bringing 5 – so there. I can’t fit any more in with the 6 boxes of wine in my car. Can you imagine if I get in an accident? 6 cases of wine with the word BOOBS splashed across them…..I feel like I’m bootlegging in the Prohibition or something. I feel all illegal….naughty….or maybe I’m just drunk. Hmmm…is that what it feels like?

My car smells like someone pooped in it. We have a mystery on our hands. Last time it smelled like this I found a package of cheese hot dogs under the seat that had fallen out of the grocery bags. They um….didn’t look like hot dogs anymore…more like hot dog oatmeal and they didn’t smell so pretty either. What, I wonder, is the culprit this time?

Rambo left for SWAT training which means I have to do some things I never do. I have to clean the litter box and take out the garbage and if I’m desperate maybe figure out how to use the washing machine. It is not fair. It is downright poopy.

I think it would be smart if I just didn’t go to bed tonight because I have so much to do. Watermelon and Banana need their overnight bags packed. I must search the house for cat pee in baskets. I must clean. Fashion show. Eat a noodle. Finish up some Board work. Pack. Freak out. Stress. Itch my hives….

....you know…all that really important stuff.

Oh, oh…I got my “Operation Dry Draz Out” pills. Seriously – I’m gonna be like the Sahara Desert….no moisture on this chick anywhere where it’s not wanted. You all really should be thankful…if I had sweaty pits…I’d be afraid to hug any of you. Now I can give you all great big bear hugs until you start farting gumdrops!

20 comments:

Jacquie said...

Just Breathe and you will be fine!

LDswims said...

I want to see pictures of the perfect noodles once perfectly applied to the perfect ass!

And I want one of those totally moisture free hugs! I'll have to catch it next time...

Take care with those hives...might make the cat freak out...

Southern Belle said...

Holy Cow and I thought I had alot to do before I left. You win!!

Bonnie said...

I wish I could drive so I could bring my own booze. I'm wearing "ChicaGO Get A Manicure" on my fingernails and "BYOBoy" on toes.

Lucas said...

If you skip the fashion show, not only may you NOT want to put a plastic bag over your head and inhale, but you will also be able to skip the lasagna and the guilt you would feel for eating it or the guilt you would get for skipping it....your choice there. I vote for skippage!

Anyone who can push a kid out their jay can pack a suitcase, I'd reckon. I have FULL faith in you Draz. You are going to be able to pack AND make the drive AND actually get out of the car and meet new people.

I BELIEVE!!!! (hands raised to praise) I BELIEVE!!!!!

Sandy Lee said...

I'm so busy, I have 6 of your posts to read. Not fair. Through a bunch of stuff in my suitcase last night but that was only because the cleaning service was coming today. Just threw in a load of laundry but realized I really should do the underwear load!

For your fashion show tonight-put on an entire outfit, then when they give you a pass, fold it neatly and place in suitcase. Do that until you have all your outfits packed and many suitcases full. United doesn't charge for bags but then I am going to try to carry on. I'll just wear half my stuff on the plane.

Work is crazy but then only 7.5 hours to go. I leave at 7 am and arrive at 9 am. Cross a time zone so really it's a 3 hour flight. Will be at the hotel around 11 or 12. Will call Jacquie as she and a few others will already be at the hotel. So we get BOOBS wine. Was that in a previous post? So good. Can't wait for hugs and hugs. Be good and eat your lasagna. Just think of us poor suckers who can't get pasta past our lips. Soon baby girl, soon. I'm so excited.

Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

The Husband was just asking me last night how I think I'm going to fit everything in a carry-on when I fill 3/4 of the trunk on a weekend trip to my Mom's house, lol. Seriously, I'm jealous that you get to drive & bring as much as you want. But, at least I get an extra day to figure out what is going in the suitcase... somehow I don't think I'll be sleeping tomorrow night. Can't wait to get on the plane! :)

Cat said...

Don't let anyone dis you about curling irons or wine, whatever. My husband was mortified to find out that on an overnight trip, I brought about 10 pair of underwear, and 3 pairs jeans. I didn't really intend to wear them, but a gal needs to be prepared, right?

Cat

Gen said...

OMG I have to fit everything in a carryon. Its all I have unless I use my husband's super-manly luggage! I am an overpacker but I am going to try REALLY hard to do the carry on this time....
No fair you get to bring wine! Wait, what am I saying? HOW COOL you get to bring wine with you!

kagead said...

Tee hee. Not only am I sure I am packing too much, I am also pretty sure I'll decide I want something different at some point and will cab it home to get it!!

Also, may as well tell you this now, I DID look for a bathing suit but couldn't find one- actually I couldn't find any stores that are selling them now. I'll hit yet another store tomorrow, but I'm not holding my breath. Next year, I promise.

Band-Babe said...

Drive VERY carefully... ;)

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

You just rock.

#thatisall

♥ Shrinking Kenz ♥ said...

Okay, so I know I shouldn't be smiling because you're clearly stressed, but your post cracked me up. Keep breathing, my friend...and 5 curling irons? I'd like to hear more about that when you have time...:)

Liz said...

Draz,

I've stayed up way way way too late every night this week (even tonight, when I need to be up in 4 hours to go have surgery!!!) reading your blog from start to finish.

You've made me laugh and cry (sometimes in the same post). You're an amazing woman, and I am so excited to be your newest follower (altho I am sorry it'll put you at an odd number again...)

<3
Liz

Scuttleboose said...

Ok, so I skip reading blogs for 10 days, and I immediately come back to the word "ass" and the image of oatmeal phalluses (phalli?) in your post. Thank you, all is well in the world. :)
Have a great trip! :)

Nella said...

Have a fabulous trip and make a ton of memories baby!

Lisa said...

Um, I know you don't really have time for this question, but, um, does the "dry you out" stuff only dry out one's sweat? I mean, not to put too fine a point on it, but there is a certain female location in which moisture can be quite helpful. You know, when you're having "dessert"?

Genie @ Diet of 51 said...

You will be fine and "Chicago" will LOVE you! I guarantee it!

So much to blog about when you get back.

The Ninja said...

I totally had a simalr car situation today except mine started as cream cheese brownies and now looks like that plant monster on the creepshow, and it smells too!

Raegun said...

Have a great trip! And, I just have to say, your post titles always make me LOL.