Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Oblivion and torture.

There are days when it’s raining in my head….though it’s not storming outside.

There have been times when I told you I was okay…and really, the truth is I lied.

I can’t explain the clutches of depression to you….I can’t put you in the black hole.
I can’t tell you what it’s like to want to die…to want to rip out your very own soul.

You can’t make me want to get out of this bed….you can’t give me back the will to live.
I’m barely breathing and I want it over…I’ve already given all I know how to give.

I know it’s not right. I know I’m tearing your heart out and I can’t look you in the eye.
When you ask me for the 100th time…how can you just let yourself wither away and die?

I don’t know – I have never known. I just know everything’s broken & my heart has been shattered.
And yes, though it kills you, I can even admit to you that I no longer love everything that once mattered.

I don’t have the energy to love or to hate, to eat or drink, to live or die.
I can’t stop the voices in my head that are constantly screaming and questioning why.

This disease isn’t about me and it sure as hell isn’t about you…so stop with the disbelief.
When I need to take meds to keep me alive…can you not judge how I finally find my relief?

Can you not look at me and see only weakness? Can you look at me and not feel shame?
Can you admit that I nearly died by my own hand & that we can never go back and be the same.

The day you looked into my eyes and saw nothing but emptiness shook you to your core.
The me you loved was gone, it was real…death was standing and waiting at my front door.

I saw you inhale your breath that day. I saw you turn away. It was then you realized you were losing me.
This wasn’t a game or a sick joke anymore – depression of this magnitude was beyond you and beyond me.

I didn’t need the questions in your eyes or the anger inside that you kept.
I needed you to hold my hand & I needed you to hold me while my body wept.

I needed you to stop sticking rainbows in my face and realize I could only see a cloud.
I needed you to pretend that I’d be okay even if that meant masking your deep seated doubt.

You couldn’t pull me out of the hell that is depression because there are no ropes and there is no ladder.
I had to crawl around in the dirt until I found my own light and I had to relearn that who I am does matter.

If you could have just believed that I had the strength to beat this but then again, that’s just not who you are…
If instead of being brought to my knees, maybe I’d have only stumbled…maybe it never would have gone this far.

As it is, today I sit with a medical history that says “depression” stamped across the file in bright red.
It might as well say, “She lived to tell about it – but a small part of her will always be dead.”

You can’t get back what you lost when you spend days in oblivion and torture….but you can remember.
You can separate yourself from the old and the new you & though it’s the same person…you can never tell her.

I am not the girl who didn’t eat or move for days. No, no. That’s not something I’d ever do.
And you are not the one who didn’t believe me. No, no. That never could have been you.




(P.S. I'm fine folks....just writing....no worries.)

15 comments:

Angela said...

I was about ready to run across the border to Mexico so I could buy all sorts of drugs and send them to you so you would feel better. Whew! Glad you are doing "fine". lol

Lucas said...

That is amazing Draz. Again, your ability to bare it all and pour it all out there astounds me. I already said this once to you today, but you are raw and you are beautiful. Thanks for sharing that.

tessierose said...

Very touching. See you soon!

LDswims said...

So much more I want to know.

Thank you for sharing. That is beautiful. And hard.

Love you much!

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

This is me from my chemically sane standpoint: It sounds to me like you are healing. BIG healing. I can hear a lot of the anger is gone, just from a few months ago. I can feel a lot of understanding in your voice, for them and for yourself. New and old selves. You have learned "I had to crawl around in the dirt until I found my own light and I had to relearn that who I am does matter."

My chemically altered self thanks you, because I am learning that self is every bit as beautiful, meaningful, smart, loved, healthy, and valuable in every way as the old me. xoxo

MandaPanda said...

I'm absolutely speechless (definitely a first). I was ready to come find you to pull you from the abyss...such a powerful post. thank you for sharing it.

amandakiska said...

So glad you're better. Thanks for talking about a tough subject. So many benefit from your experience and openness.

Cindylew said...

"There have been times when I told you I was okay…and really, the truth is I lied"...you write this and then say you're ok. How do I know that you're really ok?

Angela said...

You captured it perfectly. I need to let some people in my life read this. Absolutely beautiful...and haunting.

Band-Babe said...

Amen.

Carmen said...

lovely

AmeyinIdaho said...

WOW!! You have a true gift for putting into words the feelings that others cannot verbalize to themselves let alone to anyone else. Thank you, my heart and soul truly thanks you!!

Kerri said...

Well said (written)!!!

only a number said...

"It might as well say, “She lived to tell about it – but a small part of her will always be dead.”

That packed a punch. This was incredibly well written.

Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

Wow... the first ten lines of that could have come out of my mouth the last couple weeks... except I would never be able to express it so beautifully. I'm glad you're okay and "just writing."