Thursday, September 16, 2010

Pitties and Titties.

I know, I know – second post – someone should set limits for people like me who can’t keep quiet. Might as well tell you now – I’ll have another one today for Thousand Word Thursday.


I have a story – and because I’m just not able to keep anything private anymore – you all get to hear it.

Okay, I’ve mentioned I’m a sweater. No, no – not the pretty blue sweater you bought from Gap kind of sweater….like sweat-er. And I don’t mean a little. I mean I can sit at my desk and feel sweat drip down my back. It is gross. I’ve always been hot – wearing shorts even when it’s 40 below out because I am hot. So yah, my armpits sweat too – enough to give me those stupid sweat rings. It is embarrassing. Add in my social anxiety and general nervousness about people and viola – it’s all like Niagara Falls up in my armpits. Sheniqua laughs and points at me….until I kick her in the shin. Draz tells everyone he knows – until I duct tape his mouth shut.

Sooo I finally get balls enough to call a doctor for a prescription. They don’t understand and only focus on my anxiety and prescribe me anti-anxiety pills. Great…not what I need. I’ll sell those on the street thank you. (kidding) Whatever. I take matters into my own hands. I google – excessive underarm sweat. I have a plan of action now. A home remedy if you will.

First I buy Certain-dri which is like water in a can but apparently helps. Good.

Then I buy apple vinegar to rub into my pits. I’m scared to death it’ll hurt like hell – it is vinegar - and I’m also nervous to smell like vinegar all day. I’m pretty sure this is a smell reserved for 80 year old women who wear housecoats all day and rollers in their hair in public. I’ll let you know how this goes.

Then I buy baking soda. Here’s where it gets good. You’re supposed to make a paste with it and sit with it in your armpits for 25 minutes. Mmkkaayy.



I make the paste. Rambo says, “Um, honey…what are you doing?” I think he was afraid I was going to make him eat it for supper.

I said, “Well, I have to put this on my pits for 25 minutes so I can have dry pitties.”

He said, “You have never been more sexy than you are right now – well until you put the paste on your pits. Then I won’t be able to control myself.” And then he cackles like a boy witch and walks away. I hate him.

Now I go in the bath with my bowl of paste. It takes all of 3.5 seconds for me to realize this sucks green donkey dicks. Seriously – first of all – you can’t see your whole armpit without breaking your neck. What do I put it in there with? I used a spoon. I am literally spooning and smoothing paste into my pits. It falls off – in clumps. Plop! Plop!

F*ck it. I try my hands – less paste – smather it around. Pretty soon half my back and half my boobs are getting the paste solution. Great – dry pitties and dry titties. Bonus. So I sit. I would like to read because I have to sit in this paste hell for 25 minutes remember? How the hell do you grab a towel or a book when you have to keep your arms stuck to your sides? Seriously? Can you do it – oh – and remember you’re in a bath of water. Jesus. I look like a robot with no arm joints. Arms straight – trying to grab things, over the side of the tub, without losing my precious pit paste. It was an event pretty close to whootenanny shaving I’d say.

And this morning – Watermelon says….”Hey Mom, how’d that stuff with your pits turn out?”

WHAAATTTT? You saw that? Great – one thinks I shave my cooter with Barbie doll feet and the other knows I put white creamy crap under my pits and don’t move for eternity.

They’re both gonna need some major therapy don’t you think?

I swear to God – if I sweat one bead today – I’m going to cut my own armpits out.

22 comments:

Jennifer said...

Botox them!

tessierose said...

Yeah, I heard about the Botox, you won't sweat, but your pits won't have much expression anymore.

Kim said...

I am a horrible sweat-er too! It is a condition called hyperhydrosis and my dermatologist prescribed a medicine for a it. I am going to look it up for you and let you know. It works like a charm, however not only do my armpits, hands and feet stop sweating my mouth gets really dry. I can deal with this side affect because I have dry armpits!!

cody said...

hahaha! this is hilarious. i cant wait to read part 2 and hear if it works or not.

also, i've heard of botox for armpits, too. apparently it works really well! (as well as for migraines!)

-Grace- said...

LOL! I used Certain-Dri...be warned that shit burns if you put it on after shaving (I know it says it on the bottle, but I needed to shave and have dry pits. What do they expect!?!)

Kristen said...

My cousin got the botox thing twice...it helped but only temporarily. So she went a step up and got the nerve snipped under her armpit (or something like that)...it was considered surgery and she had to stay overnight in the hospital but she said it worked better than the botox :)

Kristin said...

I am a MAD sweater too. I used Certain Dri for about two years and I'm telling you, I **never** sweat in the pits anymore. Even though I haven't used anything other than regular ol' Secret for years. I don't know what Certain Dri did to my body (though I can guess based on the holes in every t-shirt I wore to bed during that period), but I can tell you it completely cured me of sweaty pits.

Also, my HEAD sweats like crazy. As in, my hair was soaking wet as my husband pulled the 5 jillion hairpins out on our wedding night. Super romantic.

So when my sister got married. Outdoors. In May. IN SOUTH FLORIDA., I went to my dermatologist and had her shoot up my entire scalp with Botox. Not in my face, nothing below my hairline, just in my scalp. Worked like a charm.

Blossom said...

Lol! I hear you, and feel your pain. I have a couple of suggestions. One, you can buy over the counter, a product called Drysol. It's a deodorant you wear at night. I had great success with it. Wear it 2-3 nights in a row, then a couple of times a week. I still wore regular deodorant during the day, but that stuff worked wonders. I've also had laser hair removal on the pits, and for some reason, now I find I don't sweat as much. Plus as a bonus, not as frequent shaving! (I still need more treatments).

Lucas said...

Man! MAJOR suckage. I hope whatever you try works. Seems like there are some GREAT recommendations in the comments so far. Way to go readers!!! Thanks for the funny story, I totally feel for ya sister!

amandakiska said...

Poor Draz! What a problem to have! I can't wait to hear how the paste works!

DB said...

Lol!!!!

Jen said...

I'm a sweater as well.. and not just in my pits! I'm a crazy face sweater, as in eyelids, above the lip, forehead.. it's gross. and considering I live on the sun, I'm doomed for life. I have heard about the Botox thing, but since I work for the company that markets the direct competitor for Botox - I suggest you DON'T use Botox, and try Dysport instead! I use the clinical strength dove and it works like a charm for me - on my pits, not my eyelids, forehead, above the lip, etc... :)

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

Yeah, good luck with that...

*whispers*
...and keep me informed

Miss Vickie "The Queen Bee" said...

I really hope that something works for you honey. Your story is hilarious though!

Diz said...

LOLOLOLOLOLOL. I love you. LOLOLOLOL

Sorry to hear about the schweaty pits- those are the pits. ;(

xo-

D

Just Me said...

Sweating sucks. I get that on and off ... thanks to the Mentalpause. It mostly happens around the back of my head on my hair line or under my bangs, but it runs...and here's me in meeting with about 10 men and me...nice. Arrghgh. I feel for you. Thanks for making your pain humourous though. I hear botox works for pits too.

Bonnie said...

Hopefully somebody's suggestions will work for you, but, if not, you really need to vlog your process. Seriously though, like Kristen said there is a surgery to correct it. The thoracic surgeon where I work performs it and I've heard him talk about it. Here is the link to his video explaining the surgery for hyperhidrosis. http://www.gbmc.org/body.cfm?xyzpdqabc=0&id=38&action=detail&ref=486

Seeing in colour said...

Ahaha Draz this was a brilliant post your fantastic! Hope the pit woes change soon!

Ash

DiZneDiVa said...

Well, did the home remedies help at all? *Maria*

Carmen said...

lol! i love tessies comment!!! i've heard of the botox thing too :-)

Gules said...

Hi my name is Giulia and I'm an excessive sweater! I've always been embarrassed about the situation but luckily I'm not the only one. I've done the Drysol thing, that worked for a bit and now I use Dove clinical treatment and that seems to work too. My problem started with just the pits, but now its all over. I can't dance in a club for more than 10 minutes and I'm a mess. I constantly worry about my wedding day and how I'm going to be. I was told there wasn't a solution for overall sweating--great. I was suggested botox too but it would have to be my entire body. I wish there was something more concrete! Reading all these suggestions are great and I LOVE LOVE LOVE this post! Hilarious and informative! awesome!

Building Blocks Bootcamp said...

LMFAO! Even after I went about my day - I kept thinking back to the visions you created in my head! Could NOT stop laughing!