Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Put that thing away.........

For those of you eating breakfast….maybe you should stop before you read this. This could be vomit-inducing. Like serious, hold my hands over my mouth, run to the bathroom, shove my head in the toilet never giving a thought to what’s gone on in that toilet kind of vomit. This isn’t your average “I just threw up in my mouth a little.”


This is the first time ever I have wondered if my blogging has gone too far….meaning it’s the first time I actually thought of withholding something from this blog out of sheer humiliation. Then in a little email to Mrs. Fatass she proclaimed what I’m about to say is no worse than her hemorrhoids…..and here we are.

For those of you who are emotionally scarred forever when I’m done…email me…I’ll give you MF’s phone number so you can sue her skinny ass. This is so totally her fault.

Okay – let’s begin.

One normal, mundane night this week I noticed my cha-cha was just not comfy. I had that whole “something is wrong with my underwear” or “I’m getting a yeast infection” or “it’s time to shave again” feeling…you know the general feeling that something is “off” in the nether regions. Now if I was a guy, I’d shove my hands in my pants, readjust, and make sure everyone saw me do it and all would be well with the world again but I’m not and so – Houston – we have a problem.

We have a mystery on our hands. It’s time to go all Scooby Doo on my ass…errr…. I mean chacha. Soooo I quietly go to the bathroom (because let’s face it – if anyone knew I was in there I’d be followed. This mom hasn’t peed alone in 9 years)…and I grab the handheld mirror. This is where it gets dicey.

I do the spread eagle thing on the toilet. (Damn sitting on the lid is cold.) I get all close and personal with the chacha. My first thought is “JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH – that is fugly.” Seriously – what about how that looks turns anyone on? Okay – moving on. I do some digging. I mean not literal digging….oh geez. I fumble around and eureka! – I find a bump. Now to some of you who don’t know how to exaggerate properly this would be a tiny bump. For people like me well versed in being overly dramatic….it’s effing Mount Everest on my pooty. It’s big enough to ride a dirt bike over.

I very calmly put the mirror down. I contemplate googling “GINORMOUS MOUNTAIN ON VAGINA” to see what comes up. But I’m too scared. I then assume I have a tumor, it’s cancer and I’ll die tomorrow. Rambo will have to tell everyone I died because of something I found on my cooter. My obituary will have the word whootananny in it. Serves me right.

I tell Rambo I’m dying and that I need him to check out this ahem…problem. Don’t worry. I warned him properly. I said, “This is gonna be gross. You may never want to touch me again. I’m going to make you touch it.”

I think I forgot for a moment that this man has watched prisoners smear poop on the wall and pick corn out of it and eat it. A little mountain on a vagina can’t scare this guy.

Soooooo yah – we go look. He sees. That is not enough for me. I say, “No, no – you can’t just look. You have to feel how big it is. You have to be as disgusted as me. You have to freak out like me. Hurry.”

Aannnnddd he does. I see a little concern in his eyes. He says, “Have the doc check it at your annual Friday. You’re not freaking dying of cancer”.

Now mind you this whole time my head has been in my crotch. For the last five minutes I’ve been seeing nothing but giner and my neck is seriously cramping up at this point. So I decide it’s finally time to put the tumor-infested cooter away and get back to life. I look up. My eye is nearly poked out.

What? How did that happen? Poked out by what???

RAMBO and his um….you know…...PECKER.

There it is all happy and ahem…up.

What the holy hell just happened here? I’m spread eagle nearly in tears over teenage boys jumping dirt bikes over the hill on my vagina and planning my funeral and he’s turned on???????? Good thing I was already sitting down or I would have fallen down.

I asked, “Are you serious? What is THAT? This whole thing that just transpired turned you on?”

He just says – and not sheepishly I might add – he’s all puffed up and proud-like – “Yah, I saw AND touched your vagina. Can’t help it.”

For the love of Pete - PUT THAT THING AWAY would ya?

This is my nightmare. I’m humiliated beyond belief and he’s turned on.

Oh, oh – and just so you all are aware that I’m not a leper and not dying and that everything is okay in twat land…..it was a pimple. Yes, stop laughing. I have heard of women having a pimple there but never experienced it. It’s gone today. The cooter will live another day.

Thank God – apparently Rambo likes it.

48 comments:

Dazee Dreamer said...

omg girl. How do I explain to the men at work why I was laughing hysterically in my office. god, that was funny

Sumer said...

Oh how I missed you! I am glad things are looking better down there today! Men are men....a quick peak at the vajayjay and it's on!

~ Katie ~ said...

haha! thank you for the laugh...

MrsFatss said...

So. The day I wrote the post about having to take the needle to the browneye in the ER because I had a thrombosed hemmie? Well, I emailed MizFit and said the same thing: is this the post that goes to far?

She said: You DO need to write it so people know health and fitness isn't always roses and lackofbuttproblems.

So really? Your post today is MizFit's fault.

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

I'm glad you're still alive...

I am a leper, or I like to call it battling the Beast. I hope that your ambassadorship serves you well!

Pamela E. Williams said...

As I was reading I was saying in my head, its probably just a pimple, LOL. Then I read the end. That Rambo is hilarious!! I think I laughed all the way to the end once I read: “JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH – that is fugly.” Seriously – what about how that looks turns anyone on?" Hilarious!!

tessierose said...

Holy Shit, you crack me up!

Jacquie said...

Yes, what tessie said!

Roxie said...

Water ALL over keyboard.

I'm dying here. Thank you. I needed that haha!

LauraLynne said...

Boys are funny. thanks for the laugh!

Alexis said...

And now I've ruined my makeup because I just spit coffee all over myself (it literally backsplashed off my computer screen). Kisses!

Alexis said...

Oh! and P.S....I can't believe you have never been to a Sephora! Please tell me you went in Chicago! If not, I will come out there and be your personal shopper for the day :)

Justawallflower said...

Okay, so seriously, laughing hysterically and trying not to make any sound doing so, as not to wake the napping husband behind me, not an easy task to do! Thanks for that!

The Ninja said...

HA! ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha...
pause for breath
hahahahahahahahahahahahaha phew!
-that- was awesome.
I hate those damn things (vag pimples) and think its amazing that you have made it this far in life without ever having one. I am also totally in awe of the euphamistic greatness of that post, I have never seen so many terms for what we call the Baby Exit Area at my house.

Read said...

OMG that was too damn funny! I just about calmed down from laughing so hard and then read "baby exit area" and it started all over again. Geesh!! But seriously thanks for that!

Jo said...

Only you Draz...okay, maybe Amy W.

Amanda said...

Oh god, I'm laughing so hard and of course the accountant is on her way over and will find me puddled at my desk in a fit of giggles... hehehehe!

I'm glad you're gonna live.

LDswims said...

Hilarious, like always! Sounds like something LHF would do, too! And then he'd chase me around the house...wiggling it at me.

DB said...

Wow! That's all I have to say.

Xina said...

Oh Jiminy Cricket! You are too funny.

What is wrong with guys sometimes? LOL

Lucas said...

What? You WANTED him to run away screaming and disgusted? I think it's GREAT that he popped a boner! Not great that you were crying and freaked out.....but great that he still digs your jay! And I'm especially glad that all is well in hooterville!

Anonymous said...

What happened to calling it "Candy"????

amandakiska said...

So glad you're not dying of some horrible downtown issue.

Please know I'm laughing with you, not at you.

CathyB said...

Too stinkin funny. That was great. I'm with The Ninja, though, caan't believe you made it this long without one. And, just so ya know, I never even considered stopping my lunch, despite your warning of serious grossness. I've seen, handled, smelled so many gross things on patients that pretty much nothing grosses me out. Except spoiled milk. yeah, that pretty much does it. Glad to hear it is once again a beautiful day in the vajayjayborhood.

Ginger said...

holy freak this was so funny that i must just need to share it on facebook!!! hahahaha just kidding but seriously glad it wasnt anything serious.

Ice Queen said...

Bwahahahaha! I think I just peed a little.

Yeah, your first vag zit is an event you will never forget. I am glad that your hoochie coochie is healthy and happy.

Rambo is a scream. Typical guy, tho. Terrible aim, trying to get you in the eye... :P

DiZneDiVa said...

Ok...Hilariously humorous. I can almost see you sitting there on the toilet upset and traumatized and him coming on to you... too much. Gotta love men! *M*

Bonnie said...

My husband gets a hard on when the wind blows.

Cat said...

I am now finally able to type without laughing, which was making lots of typos. (I can do that withOUT laughing, thank you very much...)

Haven't had THAT problem, but I had cyst there. While I was in the ER, arguing with the doctor that I was NOT pregnant, (I was, in fact, a virgin at the time, which he didn't believe, ALL college girls have had sex... JERK!!!), Dad was out in the truck on his ham radio. Turns out, he was talking to several of his friends about what I had, what these GUYS would do about it,(none of them have MD's after the last name.)

Before long, Dad came back in letting me know that X, Y, and Z of his ham group wished me speedy recovery... down there. (I was so thrilled...) Good thing it takes a lot to embarrass me.

Cat

Jess said...

Damn....damn....damn....that was too funny!

Damn! hahaahaha

Scuttleboose said...

Ok... that was the funniest thing I have EVER read. Thank you so much :)

Jenny said...

OMG! I love it!!

Heather said...

Ok that is too funny. My kids wanted to know what I was laughing at. Men are such strange creatures!

Cindylew said...

Just another day in the life of my little cupcake. I live for the next installment.

cmacraven said...

I'm such a lurker- but have to come out and say- LOVE IT!

Juli's Journey said...

I have no words. LOLOLOLOL. I was dying just thinking about the ordeal. Rambo is the BEST. You are lucky and HIGH-LARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Debi said...

LOL!! I too recently discovered a HUMONGOUS ZIT down there, while I was in the shower!! My hubby wasn't home to show it to though (he would have loved to look though). I decided not to panic...YET! And of course, it went away, so...whew!!! But I too had thoughts of the worst things imaginable!!

KCLAnderson (Karen) said...

So after hearing about you all over the internet for a long time I finally made it over here to read...this. And well what the hell...the same thing basically just happened to me too...while in Bermuda no less. There is something very disconcerting about a pimple "down there."

Building Blocks Bootcamp said...

I am crying - i am laughing so hard! Not because of the pimple, but because my hubby would have done the same thing! Um - up with his and a WTH is that, from me! and he would have said that he can't control it! Lucky for us that we have men that can do some of the stuff we ask and still WANT us! LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seeing in colour said...

You wont believe how much i loved and laughed at this post.... your amazing! This post was fantastic and dont you dare ever hold back from your honest posts because if anything you make us all feel comforted that we are not alone in these kinds of situations.....

why were women blessed with having bits that look like aliens.... it sucks!

YOUR GREAT!

Liz said...

OMG, I just almost fell off my bed laughing. Very glad it was just a zit, and nothing serious :)

Diz said...

I hate zits in the Vag...they HURT! Not that i get them there often or anything...but I think I've had one before. UGH! Glad it wasn't a tumor though and that you're still alive. And that Rambo got turned on...hahahahaha...for some reason that is awesome to me. ILYG!!!!!

XOXOXOXOXOXO

Nikki P said...

Holy Crap I think I just wet my pants. Totally laughed my guts out.

Ginger aka Gidget said...

I was laughing so hard that my co-workers think I've lost my mind.

And I've been poked in the eye the same way and with the same "WTF?" response. I believe just about anything cooter related can turn a guy on. I'm not kidding.

Miss S. said...

LOL-I love you Draz. Glad the cha-cha-cha will live on to cha-cha.

Sarah said...

Wow. What exactly else can I say other than sorry I didn't get to say goodbye again... Wow. Hey - nice (belated) welcome home, right???

Miz said...

OHMYFREAKING-DAREYOUHILARIOUS.

I wanna be you...chchchcha pimple or not...when I grow up.

Liz said...

HAHAHA. That is definitely the funniest blog post I have ever read in my life.

You have a way with words miss Drazil!!! I think I may have to follow you to get some more of this entertainment