Sunday, September 19, 2010

Stepping out of Podunk, USA...if only for a weekend....

This week is going to be eventful for many reasons.  Many, many firsts for Draz.  If I make it through without touching the Valium...well, let's just say I'm gonna change my name to SuperWoman if that happens.

For my first ever road trip for longer than 20 minutes, I'm taking a GPS, written directions and Yahoo directions and a CD of my favorite songs...and 6 cases of wine.  Yah, I'm not kidding.  Joey sent me the wine for the BOOBs weekend....beyond my safety - there are many reasons you all should pray I make it to Chicago.  I have the wine.

I have board meetings and over-packing to do.  For me and Watermelon and Banana.  I have to get my prescription for Operation No More Sweaty Pits.  And Rambo leaves for SWAT team training Wednesday so getting into the car for the road trip Thursday will be up to me.  He won't be here to push me in and make me go.  It's all up to me.

I already know I'm going to have to call Jenny to make sure I indeed get in the car.

Oh and one more thing I decided to do....was put on a fashion show for my sister and mother.  To say I'm regretting that decision is an understatement.  While they mean well....they never like what I wear.  The other day I had a size 9 dress - which by the way is my usual size - apparently my mother isn't aware of that.  The dress fit me EXCEPT in my boobs.  I wasn't upset - my boobs were too big.  It wasn't my waist or upper abs or butt - nope - just the boobs.  That's not a bad problem - I'll take it.  I took it to my moms hoping my sister could wear it.  She took one look at the dress and said, "Oh yes, this is definitely a dress for your sister, not for you or I."  Um, okay.  She then gave me one of her dresses to wear in case I needed it for Chicago.  It's a 14.  It's too big.  She didn't notice...said it looked great...told me to take it home.  I am not her size.  Her size is gorgeous but it's not me anymore...why can't she see that?  When I go there Wednesday I'll be showing her my real Chicago dress...which again, is a 9.  She'll see the tag but she won't believe it. 

So I'll go there and they'll tell me what I've meticulously picked out for Chicago and wrapped my hopes and visions around is not good enough.  And on the inside I'll cry because I'll believe them. 

I've picked out some "hip" things...because we're going to a big city.  Here in Podunk, USA we're about 1 year behind every style so being "hip" just gets you stared at.  I'm not kidding.  I wore a pencil skirt to work the other day and three women looked at me like I had 3 heads.  I wore snakeskin shoes with it.  They were hot. 

Not one woman said I looked nice.  Not one.  To them I just looked different and like I was trying too hard because they had on flip flops and sweatshirts again.  (To be clear - I'm all about flip flops and sweatshirts 95% of the time but sometimes a girl has got to her sexy on.) 

Even the men could only say, "Why are you so dressed up?"  I actually said to the one guy...."You know - you're supposed to say, "You look nice today" or nothing at all - NOT "why are you so dressed up?"  If you say that a woman has no idea if you're giving her a compliment or insulting her."  He said, "Well, you look great but I don't want you to think I'm hitting on you."  *sigh* 

I'm wearing the mother-effing skirt again tomorrow - I have to break in those snakeskins for Chicago and I don't give a damn if anyone doesn't like it.  They can kiss my non-sweatpant-flip-flop-wearing-ass.

I'll go to Jenny's Thursday night - and I'll re-do the fashion show and she'll make a big deal and tell me I look like a model....and I'll cry on the inside a whole different way....simply because I'll believe her.

And I'm pretty sure I can never explain how much I want to scream to my mother and sister why I'm going to Chicago.  They think I'm going with Jenny to meet a group of women with lap bands...a group Jenny belongs to and I'm tagging along.  I can't tell them I feel like I'm one of you.  I want to tell them I'm finally fulfilling a lifelong dream of writing and that sometimes people actually read what I write and even like it.  I want to tell them I've met people I love and people who love me back.  People who've changed my life.  People I worry about at night.  People I run to when I want to get something out and need support.  Those people are you by the way.

I want to tell them this weekend is possibly the hugest step I've taken in 35 years of living toward becoming who I really know I am.  But I cannot.  I cannot risk them knowing I blog.  I cannot risk hurting them knowing sometimes I blog about right now. 

So Wednesday night I'll try on my clothes....and it won't go very well....but it'll definitely be different than all the other times.  Because I'm a different daughter and sister than before......I am so much more.

I am...

Me, Drazil and Sheniqua.


Joia said...

You are a fascinating woman!

Justawallflower said...

I am so sorry you are hurt by your family. It is a shame you can not be who you know you are around the one group of people that you should be able to be yourself with any fear of judgement. I never had the fear that my mom would judge me, mine relationship with my mom was quite different. She wasn't emotionally available at all, positively or negatively. My heart hurts for you. Just know that you are beautiful (I can tell that without ever seeing pictures), and be proud of all you have accomplished and more importantly, who you are. Don't let them stomp on your spirit! And remember, have fun! The only way I could ever do any kind of fashion show, or family or anybody, would be to do it up all fun and crazy. Throw on a boa with your outfit, and rock it! strut out to some catwalk music (don't actually know what counts as catwalk music....) and don't take what they have to say to heart (unless of course they surprise you and gush about how awesome you look!). Best of luck to you!

Sherry said...

I too have a mom and a sister, Draz and I could probably have recited your story about them back to you word for word because I've BEEN THERE.
And its hard to reconcile that there are people you love because you want to and people you love because you HAVE to. You love them differently but you love them all the same. And sometimes that is what hurts the most. One of 'us'? Nope. You're one of 'we'. All the same road, just traveling in different vehicles.

Band-Babe said...

You remind everyone of the emotional and psychological work that must happen for any kind of sustained weight loss, or really even any challenges we face in our lives.

I'm not just saying this because you're my friend, but you are going to look amazing in Chicago. There is no doubt about it in my mind. I'm looking forward to our big squeeze, but don't be offended if I move away from you in pictures so you don't make me look dowdy and fat in comparison. Oh hell, hopefully I'll be drunk enough to not even care about it!

See you soon. REALLY soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Marie said...

So proud of you! You're on the right path and a size 9 dress! My gawd! Tiny thing you!

Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

My Mom is the same way, she is still trying to share clothes with me even though her size is now about five sizes too big for me. You are a step ahead of me... who still has no idea what she is bringing to the big city. LOL. Guess I should get on that! Loves you. :)

Kim said...

Amen for Operation No More Sweaty Pits!!! Me and you siser, me and you!! You are a wonderful person and my life is better because you are in it. Don't let them get you down, I know easier said than done. You are an awesome person and you are going to rock in Chicago!!

Sarah said...

And let me just remind you again, you are one of us - in fact, you are a fearless (Yes!) leader of ours! You're an amazing woman, and I can't wait to see the outfits and shoes... and I am reminded constantly by the fact that it doesn't much matter how we've lost the weight, but that we finally cared enough about ourselves to do it. Can't WAIT to meet you - take care of the wine!!!

Miss Vickie "The Queen Bee" said...

Honey, don't sweat the small stuff. Pack your bag, drive the car to Chicago and please, please don't forget the vino! Seriously, I really cannot wait to give you a big hug!

Jacquie said...

Hurry up and get there...but don't speed! Love ya and can't wait to give you a great big Italian hugger!

Lucas said...

Darling Draz,
I don't know you too terribly well but I want you to know that I say this with love and compassion and a desire to protect you. Why, why, WHY are you going to ask your mom and sister if what you are packing is ok if you KNOW ahead of time what they will say and how it will make you feel? Baby girl, PROTECT yourself, advocate for yourself. If their words or reactions will be harmful to you....SKIP IT! There are other ways to include them in your life honey. I hate to think of you hurting if it can be avoided, you know?

And I'm SO PROUD of you for stepping so far out of your comfort box but guess what? Those boxes have moveable boundaries and someday, going on a road trip alone might just be within those comfort boundaries. Growth comes from change sister. You go on with your bad self! :)

And I can't wait to hear about your trip!

ajourneyof262milesbeginswithablog said...

You rock your sexy skirt and heels! I know you'll look good. And while the road trip will be stressful, the experiences in Chicago will be worth it. Good luck and have fun!!!

MandaPanda said...

I agree with Lucas...if you know how your mom and sister will react, why go through it? You already know the two will not support you in the right way...go to jenny's and leave it at that. Whenever possible, you should try to surround yourself with positive energy - not energy vampires. This is true for everyone, not just you. Why should we waste our time with people who only seek to hold us back instead of encouraging us to fly? Just some thoughts. I wish I could go to Chicago and meet you and all those others who encourage us to fly. We deserve it.

Roxie said...

Own those clothes Draz. I'm sure you look fabulous. And I'm jealous of the size 9 ;)

Families are our worst critics. It's hard to be flippant about them even when you want to. Don't let them get to you too much. You are fierce, especially in snakeskin shoes.

Steph said...

I love your words. You are a wonderful writer and I am honored to know you and that I will get to meet you for real this weekend. (And I would have TOTALLY told you that you looked hot!)

Cindylew said...

What is it with family??? If anyone should see our potential, be it realized or not, it should be them. But instead, they're usually the ones telling us we're aiming too high or that we have unrealistic expectations.
Tell your Mom you're the leader of a group of 50 crazy women with amazing hearts who love you and hang on your every word. Anyone in their right mind would be proud to be your mom.
The cool thing is that in Chicago, you and all of us for that matter, can be whoever we chose to be...and everyone will love you/us.