Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Suck it up buttercup....

Alright – today I’m just gonna outright ask for a free pass….to cry like a baby. I rarely pull the PMS card here…but today I’ve got a handful of said cards and they all say whine, bitch, cry, and get out of CareBear land free. Lest you think something really catastrophic has happened….let me explain.

My snakeskin shoes I bought for Chicago don’t fit. Ima gonna cry

This sounds like a simple little problem to many of you. Go to the mall – find another pair. Done and done. Yes?

NO! People – do you remember I’m a social-phobic-get hives-sweat-like-a-banchee-over-obsessive girl? When I go somewhere I go overboard in what to wear. You think about it for days. I think about it for months. I envision how I want to look. I take forever to get ready. I worry about how I’ll look…in comparison to others. How people will look at me. How I’ll be sick to my stomach. The very least I can do is try to look good so that part can at least go well and I only have to focus on the nausea.

Soooooo I’ve had my shoes for a while. Just thought I’d wear them to work today. Nope. I nearly sat down and wept. Now of course I had another pair at the ready. I am nothing if not prepared. Tried them on too. Didn’t fit either. What the fuh?

I wanted to wear them with my cute jean capris today. Think those fit? Nope. Just bought them a few weeks ago. Wasted.

See a pattern? I mean this in the nicest way possible….I’m losing weight without even trying hard. Losing weight for me has never been easy – mentally. Physically I can do it. I know how – I’ve been doing it most of my life. Work out, eat right, do the math. It isn’t easy peasy but I can do it when I put my mind to it. I can workout like a fiend and stay on track and get there. This time I’m not even working out like Jillian Michaels and it’s still coming off. The physical stuff has become second nature finally.

Mentally – it’s a whole other story. I have sold totes by the dozens on Ebay of clothes that I couldn’t wear anymore. You’d think that’d be fun….not for me – when I’m a person who ties emotional strings to everything I own. Those clothes represent moments and memories of when and where I wore them. I held on to them as long as I could before letting go. It was letting go of the person who wore those clothes – because I’m not her anymore. It’s letting go of the denial that back then I was happy with the physical me, pretending I was healthy and fooling myself that I looked damn good. I looked alright – but I wasn’t healthy….but you couldn’t have told me that back then.

So as I lost 70 lbs over the last few years every month I had to let go of something. True – I gained something each month too but that’s easy to grasp. Letting go takes effort. I lost clothes. I lost identity as the fat sister. I lost having to be the person camoflauging fat every time I got dressed. Treasured rings I cherished had to be taken off or sized. Shoes stopped fitting. Bras wouldn’t work anymore. Even underwear had to be replaced. I even had a tummy tuck – I physically let a surgeon cut parts of my body off. Body parts I’d had my whole life….but parts I knew I couldn’t go on living with.

Every day for years I would grab my stomach skin to gauge if it was getting smaller….knowing it wasn’t. It was a ritual. I prayed it would go away – that it was fat and not skin. It didn’t and it wasn’t fat. For years that was what I did each morning and each night – then one day – gone. No more. I’d look in the mirror and wonder who the hell that was with the flat stomach? I didn’t know her. Surely it couldn’t be me….could it?

And what do I do with my hands if there is no skin to grab and swear at?

It’s like shedding an entire persona….skin and all.

I’ve maintained for about a year now so my “losses” physical and mental haven’t been as obvious as they were when I started. Until this year when I decided I need to meet the goal I set out to meet in the beginning….and I lost more weight.

Today my capris didn’t fit. My rings are nearly unwearable again. And now my shoes…shoes for Chicago…shoes I already placed a lot of meaning into… shoes I envisioned with my dress. A dress I wouldn’t have worn even months ago. I had a vision – and the vision is gone. Over-obsessive brains like mine don’t let go of visions easily….

Roll your eyes. Tell me suck it up. You can. I should.

And I will.

I mean when it’s all said and done – what I’ve gained completely outdoes what I’ve lost. What I’m really saying is that if you don’t deal with the mental losses, if you just keep losing without letting go, even grieving who you were….well you’ll miss what you’ve gained and wake up one morning and wonder who the hell you really are at the core. It isn’t just physical. I don’t believe it can be. Inside the fat I lost – were wrapped up memories, outfits and personas.

On days like this I am reminded of how hard it is to let go. Years out in the journey – I still buy things too big and still wonder at the girl in the mirror. I wouldn’t take back the girl I was because she made me girl I am today.

The girl who can blog about crying over snakeskin shoes that don’t fit….and turn it into another life lesson.

I am skinnier on the outside but I swear to you – my heart is bigger on the inside.

I must run. I have a date with the mall.


1reign said...

I love you Draz because you talk about the things most people rarely talk about. There are attachments to things that's why most people have clothes in their closet ranging 10 sizes, out of style and all. But to learn to let go, I wonder how hard it is going to be for me, I know my fat is my shield and the fact that I am starting the process of exposing my real self is daunting, you inspire me though

DB said...

You get me every time. I wish I could put my thoughts & feelings into words as eloquently as you do! I would not trade either one of you -EVER!

Pamela E. Williams said...

You are just the funniest thing. It can be a catastrophic if you let it or you can say, how about I return these babies and get a better size. That is provided you still have the receipt. I'm sure you do, LOL.

Mom to the Fourth Power said...

The mental part of losing weight and letter go is WAY harder than the physical.... can get cha!! I giggled at this post, hope that's okay... just the way we are as women and all our drama. I so relate! Have a great week!!


Gen said...

I understand this totally. So sad about the shoes, seriously! But you are going to be gorgeous and hot and flat- tummied no matter what. Enjoy your date at the mall. I bet an even cuter pair of shoes is out there waiting for you.

-Grace- said...

I just love you. Go get yourself a new pair of those hot shoes so you can rock that outfit for all of us. I hope you're ready for the bear hug I'm giving you when I see you!!!

Ice Queen said...

Sometimes letting go is the most freeing thing we can do. It isn't always easy and it can hurt like the dickens but in the end, we feel lighter, happier and unencumbered and able to move forward.

Let yourself have your time of reflection, cry if you must then open your hands and release it.


Angela Pea said...

Yeppers, the mental release is a billion times harder than the physical.

Sweetie - the capris are probably a lost cause, but SHOES that are too loose can be FIXED. FIXED, I tell you. Fixed quickly and easily.

Get yourself to a shoe store (or Tar-jay or Wally World), and buy a pair of those sticky gell inserts for high heels that fit only under the ball of your foot. They will fill the gap enough that the shoes won't slip, and yes, they work invisibly with strappy shoes, slingbacks, etc. If the shoes are a pump style, get the no slip heel thingies, too, and glue those suckers into the back of the shoe.

As a person who totally plans outfits weeks in advance, I get it. I really do.

Carmen said...

just wear your bikini and motorcycle boots

Sherry said...

Feel better lady! If it makes you feel any better, I've not purchased one new thing for this trip so you'll definitely be looking better than me...

Stephanie said...

Tell me your size and I'll buy them for you in a size that fits, honey!!

Cindylew said...

I'm with Carmie...bikinis for you all weekend long.

amandakiska said...

I'm with Carmen!

Kristin said...

It makes me sad to think you'll be anxious about **anything** in Chicago. I know the fashion will be fabulous on everyone, and definitely on you, but please please remember we are all so excited to meet YOU, talk to you, hang with Jenny's BFF. We love the way you write and express yourself and support all of us so thoroughly. xoxo

AmeyinIdaho said...

I second what Kristin said! And saying that I can really relate to how you're feeling. I was telling my friend at work today how I didn't realize it would be so hard to clean out my closet, to give away my too-big clothes. Maybe if I just sit down and write it will help. Thanks Draz, again, for saying what I need to hear. I love you, and can't wait to to give you a big hug!!

Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

Thank you for proving I'm not the only one that has attachments to clothes based on when/where they were worn or with who. It literally took me 15 years to get rid of the dress that I wore to my dad's funeral... nevermind the fact that it was a size I will NEVER see again. And I'm sure you know what comes next... if I think about giving up that dress I get sad and regret doing it.

Hope your date with the mall was a huge success! Loves you!!! :-)

MizFit said...

Im so the same way and it makes my husband and our ever bulging closets NUTS.
he simply doesnt get it.

I love your blog because youre as funny as you are wise.

a rare combination.