Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Who I am.

Who I am…..

I am not a full time employee, a CCD teacher, a city billing clerk or a Board Treasurer – though these things both fulfill me and stress me….they are not me.

I am not the role of mother of two precious girls – though they are my greatest accomplishment

I am not the role of wife – though this role means everything to me

I am not the role of sister, daughter, niece, daughter-in-law, or granddaughter.

I am not the c-section scar from one pregnancy, the stretch marks from another or the heartache from another one lost.

I am not my clothing.

I am not the house I own and love.

I am not the possessions inside that same house.

I am not the car I drive.

I am not the jewelry I wear though the symbolism behind these objects is very real.

I am not the anger that sometimes takes over when I think of what was lost in the flood my parents suffered.

I am not even the hope that arose from that same flood.

I am not the 15 year old teenager who cursed my Uncle for taking his life at 22.

I am not the woman who sat in a room with my mother and listened to her tell her own mother she could let go….that it was time.

I am not the woman who hated the woman my other Grandma became when Alzheimer’s squeezed the very life out of her.

I am not the woman who let her Grandfather die without ever really making an effort to know him.

I am not the woman who wishes some things in my childhood could have been different.

I am not the woman who wants to be someone else on days when I can’t like myself.

I am not the impossible standards that I set for myself.

I am not the dream that I should be more and do more.

I am not the extra 10 pounds I am carrying around.

I am not the 70 pounds I have already lost.

I am not the fear that I will gain those pounds back.

I am not clothes I can’t fit in because they are too big.

I am not the clothes I fit in now – in sizes I haven’t seen since high school.

I am not the sibling who finally fits in with the others now.

I am not the sibling who felt like the ugly duckling of the bunch for so long.

I am not my debt….no matter how much I hate it.

I am not my assets…no matter how much I think they define me.

I am not the mood I am in – be it happy or sad, grateful or self-pitiful.

I am not the woman who never missed church ever growing up and now can’t bring myself to go regularly.

I am not the deep faith I carry with me every day.

I am not fear.

I am not pain – be it physical or mental.

I am not the migraines that make me want to crawl in a hole and die.

I am not the woman who is grateful I am healthy each day.

I am not the self-hating mantras that I replay in my mind over and over again.

I am not jealousy or envy or worry.

I am not the stress I feel every day.

I am not the books I read or the poetry I write or the cards I send or the gifts I give.

I am not my thoughts.

I am not these words I type.

I am not my memories – good or bad.

I am not the friendships I maintain….or the ones I let go.

I am not my regrets.

I am not the songs I sing off key to in the car or the movies I cry to in the dark.

I am not the fear of what Rambo working at a Supermax prison really means.

I am not the exhaustion I feel from never sleeping peacefully.

I am not the fear that stops me from following my dreams.

I am not the woman who is afraid of being judged.

I am not the fear of losing the people that I love that will cripple me if I let it.

I am not the dirty dishes I let go one more day.

I am not the dust bunnies in the corner.

I am not the bills I pay or the money people owe me.

I am not success, I am not failure.

I am none of these things – I am me. At the core of my being, I am just me. There has never been, nor will there ever be another one of me. If I dare to strip away everything people think that is me – then I can see me. If you can see that me….if you can get past all this “stuff” that the world deems so important that really isn’t…..well, underneath all that is me. Spectacular, Fantastic Draz.

Skittle loving, gumdrop farting, living in Care Bear Land - ME.

Who are you?

17 comments:

Pamela E. Williams said...

I am not my breast,
I am not my hair,
I am not failure,
I am not what I don't know
I am not what I hope to know,

I am just Pam the one with the quirky crooked smile and the bright eyes. The one who is always there no matter what. The one who loves unconditionally and love whole heartly. Just me!!

Barbara said...

I love this thread.. but you know what Draz, I love the way you engage life and strip away the noise and get to the real point.

Life is short, don't waste it on nonsense.. easy to say, hard to do!

Stephanie said...

I am woman, hear me roar!

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

You are more than the sum of all these things. You are of inestimable worth.

MrsFatass said...

I'm the friend that's just a teeny bit in girlcrush with you because YOU have BALLS.

I'm not my symptoms. I am who I am DESPITE my symptoms.

Beth said...

I am not the 95 pounds I have lost
I am not my flat chest and huge butt
I am not my long list of degrees and my GPA

The truth is I dont know who I am yet. I am afraid that I have never allowed myself to figure out who I am, I have always been too busy trying to lose weight, get good grades, make money at work. I barely allow myself time for friends and family and boys even less time.

As I am staring at the finish line in several huge parts of my life (I am graduating in December and I have 30 lbs to goal) I realize that all the time and effort I have put into these things that I greatly value will now not be used. And I feel more free than I have EVER, it is time I learned who I am - and I am very excited to begin that journey :)

As always thanks for your wonderful thought provoking post

Angela Pea said...

Ah...perfect, wonderful you!

Lucas said...

Wonderful post Draz. Way to strip it all away. You are brave and raw and so very beautiful. Knocked this one out of the park!

Gules said...

Wow, I feel like I need to make my own " I am list" though I'm not brave enough to post, but it sounds sooooo cathartic. You Rock! I am the reader that will keep reading no matter what :)

ajourneyof262milesbeginswithablog said...

I'm working on having an answer to that question. But I do know I am greater than the sum of my parts.

DB said...

I am your friend.

Jess said...

I am not my fear of death.
I am not my fear of aging.
I am not my fear of of the unknown.
I am not my sadness.
I am not my heartache.
I am not my overwhelming pride.

I am none of those things. I am Jessica. Nothing more, nothing less.

tasha said...

Very beautiful post - I have yet to meet anyone who sees the me behind the who I am not's and love the same...except the hubby *sigh* Thanks for sharing.

Mary H. said...

Great post. Through-out my life, I've NEVER let my weight define who I was, and because of that, I feel like I am much stronger person. Because of that, I have a list of "I AM's" that I can be proud of!

Jennifer said...

You are my rock.

Cindylew said...

I am the luckiest gal on this planet to be meeting 50 new friends this weekend.

Carmen said...

i love this post..i read it the first time on my lunch break today and collapsed in a blubbering pile of tears....why? because i don't know who i am

love you poopy head