Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Becoming an un-sham.

Sooo….66 is the magic number today. 66 days left in this year.

Finish out the year – healthy, strong, and at goal.

Oh I’m a funny girl, aren’t I? Lemme just throw this out there….I’m kind of a sham. Oh fine – not even kinda – I just am.

Wait - wait!  Before you get out the pitch forks and start stabbing because you feel so betrayed...know this - starting today - I will become an un-sham.  I know how.  And it's time.

My depression relapse sent me into a tailspin. That’s not an excuse…it’s a fact. When I’m feeling that way – I don’t eat. I physically cannot. The mere thought of food makes me want to run and hide. For me, during that time – my mind is too smart for food. My mind has shut down and wants to lean toward dying, not living. My mind knows food prolongs and sustains life….and that’s not my mind’s goal at the moment – so food feels, looks and sounds like poison to me. You can’t know what that’s like unless you’ve been there. It’s one of the very first signs of a relapse for me. Loss of appetite.

It sounds like a dieter’s paradise but make no mistake…it is a foreign feeling and it's terrible.

And now, let’s just say that symptom is gone. Now that I’m back in the land of the living….so is my stomach. I feel like someone who has been lost in the desert without food and water for days and has been rescued and is now eating and drinking themselves sick to make up for the days of having nothing.

It’s pretty much bullshit. I know better. But to come back from the brink of depression feels like a mini-celebration every day and we all know celebrations normally center around food right? Oy.

The thing is – I beat the relapse but I’m still treating my body like crap – instead of the temple it is. I’m not usually going over in calories but the fact is I’m eating literal junk. Toxins. Additives. Fake crap. Processed shit. My body would probably indeed be better if I ate nothing…rather than the stuff I’ve been shoveling in it.

Don’t believe me? Here you go….this is what I ate yesterday.

½ can of Mt. Dew
1 bag of Skittles (turns out they’re not just for bathing in)
1 Little Debbie
Fried potato crisps
Chicken breast w/ caeser dressing
4 mini pieces of candy
1 homemade crème puff
1 Pepsi

Dudes!!!! Do you all see the ONLY thing in that whole day that was good is the chicken breast? I did manage to drink some water too.  But Jesus, Mary and Joseph. That is ridick.

Holy shit a brick – do you have any idea how much sugar I ate yesterday? It’s enough to choke a giraffe and make an elephant dance a jig.

And it’s wrong. Seriously – today – I need a stern talking to. I don’t want any “everyone has those days” – “you’ll do better tomorrows” or “don’t beat yourself ups”. I am begging you, my friends and followers, to kick my ass. I can take it. I need it. I want it.

So yah, I’m out of depression. I’m going to make it. Hell, I think I might even go from surviving to thriving if given the chance BUT not on this diet. THIS is the diet of someone who doesn’t give a damn about their health. This is the diet of someone who is avoiding getting her blood tests done because she knows the results will be bad. This is the diet of someone who hasn’t worked their ass off the last 5 years to remain healthy.

This is horse doodoo. Lion kaka. Bear poopoo. Bull shit.

If I don’t go back to planning and journaling and doing all the things I know work – I’m going to end up unhappy, unhealthy and relapsing into a permanent depression. That was never part of my plan. Enough is enough.

I lived – and the only way to celebrate that is to treat my body like the temple it is. I need to be grateful I was given the chance to do so. I need to stop abusing myself. I wouldn’t let anyone else abuse me and I need to hold myself to those same standards. I am worth it. I am deserving.

So bring on the ass-kicking comments. And bring on the next 66 days. I’m so over dying.

And now it’s time to prove that. 

Grab some popcorn (air-popped, no butter)'s gonna be quite a show.


LauraLynne said...

No more sugar young lady!

Count yesterday's as a week's worth and go without for the next 6's that sound?

Ice Queen said...

Sorry. Not going to kick your ass.

You see, it is our bodies natural response to store energy when it hits lean times. In your case, your depression shut down your feeding instinct and you deprived your bod of much needed energy. When your depression calmed and your appetite returned, your bod went for the fastest and easiest energy source it could lay your hands on.


Your feeding frenzy on sweet junk was natural and normal. Not ideal but completely understandable. You just gave you body what it demanded; fast, easy, much needed energy.

You know what to do and you will do it. But while you are getting yourself back on your track, remember to be kind to yourself. Depression isn't your fault. And berating and beating yourself up for it and for your body's response to it isn't healthy and will only make matters worse, in the long run.

Darlin1 said...

Hey Bitch----At least you can see where your at!


DB said...

WTF are you doing??? Sugar brings on your MIGRAINES darling!!! Now be good & throw it all away - hide your change - dump the soda pop & reflect on how healthy you are. Your body is your temple girlfriend - let's keep it that way - UMKAY?

Read said...

You've pushed depression aside. WOO HOO, YAY, MAJOR CELEBRATION, YIPPEE, ZIPITY DOO DA, MAJOR PARTY. Okay, that's over now. Get your ass in gear. Sending much love and ass kicking vibes your way.

MandaPanda said... asked for it. Get rid of every piece of junk left in your house! Who cares if Watermelon likes it? Who cares if Banana or Rambo like it? Get rid of it!! They can probably stand a few days without the sugar too. You earned your all-out sugar party by coming out of your depression. Now that party is over and it's time to kick out all the hung over drunks who are sleeping on your floor and get back on track!

How was that?

Jess said...

Bad, bad girl!!!! I hope you learned your lesson after yesterday's catastrophe! Well did you????

Now get your ass back on that horse and ride into the sunset of weight loss. Now!!!

How was that? haha smooches xoxox

Dizzy Girl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sooze said...

Alright now - here I am on the brink of thinking I can finally give up sugar because "Draz did it, she survived and didn't eat her way out of a ball pit full of skittles, I should be able to too." Don't let me down now!


Nikki said...

I will be more than happy to send you my address so you may remove all said contraband (ie- creme puffs) from your home. I am here to help! =)

(I have been craving creme puffs, cannolis, and things of said sugary pastry-ness)

In all seriousness though, I know you can kick did it once before...but know your triggers and yet you caved..does it happen? yes...does that make it okay? HELL NO.

I am not above making a pit-stop in carebear land and kicking ass in December...just sayin'...get ur butt in gear! You know how hormonal and crazy us preggie ladies can be! ;)

Ms. M said...

I will kick your ass if you kick mine... which you'll want to when you read what I'm about to write. And really, only 66 days? Is there any chance you've counted wrong here cuz I need more time? LOL

Gen said...

Sugar and carbs produce serotonin! Prozac in food form. Of course you went for that junk. So what. You know what to do next. (But IMHO, be careful with Atkins - can be bad for the serotonin-challenged among us! Our bodies and especially minds NEED the good stuff carbs bring!)

So glad you are better.

amandakiska said...

You recognize how important it is to take care of yourself and part of that is eating right and chosing carbs in moderation. Part of beating this relapse back is getting back on the horse, food and exercise-wise too.

Bonnie said...

Personally, the harder I was on myself the more I ate, so you gotta let the past eating go. I know it sounds simple, but I find it very hard to do. Usually, I eat and then feel guilty. Now, I try to feel guilty before I eat it and then I don't eat it - most of the time.

Dizzy Girl said...

I wanted to re-write my comment- cuz I'm an idiot and don't always think.

Draz- out of everyone in blogland- YOU are the one that has shown us all that this can be done. I distinctly remember a blog post where everyone was having some melted, cheesy, dripping heaven- for some work lunch thing- and you were eating something healthy you brought from home- and you felt out of place. :) That post is still with me, as I battle my own food issues. You have worked so hard the past 5 years- give yourself a break for what happened yesterday- love yourself, and love yourself more to change what you have tomorrow. You can do this.

Anonymous said...

I feel like I'm always reading about you "getting on track" and never about you actually on track. That's tough love.. but it's true. This shit is hard.. do it up.