Monday, October 18, 2010

Bullets of bullsh*t......

Monday. Yah Monday. It’s almost like the number on the scale and how it determines my mood. The simple word Monday is like that number. That word makes me want to crawl in bed and never move. I nearly didn’t today. I can’t form a complete story today so it’s bullet bullshit time. Bear with me.  You have every reason and my permission not to read this.  For realz. 


• I had a wonderful weekend with my best friend Jenny and her family. We both knew we were crabby going into the weekend….in the history of bad weeks – well, we’d definitely had one and we contemplated cancelling our weekend and staying home, under the covers, mad at the world. But we didn’t. And it was good. Like Cold Stone Creamery ice cream good to be exact. I even got Jenny a 50 cent plastic bright green ring that said BFF on it – and she wore it – in public….because that’s just how we roll. THAT - my people - is the definition of a best friend.

• I am beginning a sugar detox with Dizzy. She is literally attending meetings to beat her sugar addiction and I’m living vicariously through her bravery. Today is day 1 for me. We have vowed to text each other in moments of weakness and get through this together…and we will.

• I am not really okay today. I am pretending to be but I can “feel” I am not. I’m winging it. I’m going through the motions. I’m one second away from a total meltdown. And it’s my birthday week…which normally makes for walking around on clouds. Today? Meh…not so much.

• I have to run a board meeting tonight. I’d rather poke forks in my own eyes. Enough said.

• Amey from Idaho at “Does this donut make my butt look big?” (God I love that title) sent me a gift. A precious gift….awaiting on my steps when I got back from Jenny’s. It was a glass lizard. A real life mascot – my Drazil. And a heartfelt card. And I cried. She is a fellow BOOB and I miss her and the sentiment touched my heart in ways I can’t put into words. More than anything – she is a friend….I love you Amey. Thank you. I’ll have to take a picture for you all of thee Drazil…

• Rambo has a furlough day this week. I’d like our dumbass governor to have to take furlough days that he imposes on state workers along with the additional 3% off the top of every check he takes “because of the deficit” he put this state into. Okay – I’m done – I know this is no place for political views….though I have many of them.

• Rambo will get his 58” TV this week, went to Hooters with Jenny’s husband AND is looking at Harleys. Um, whose birthday month is this anyway?

• I have a cold that makes me blow my nose like a whale like Martha Stewart, my co-worker, does. People 6 offices up can hear me and it’s all good – cuz they think it’s Martha Stewart – and I think that’s funny.

• There are 75 days left in this Godforsaken year. I will end it thinner, stronger, and healthier. I promise. How about you?

• I started a blog topic of childhood obesity and how our parents dealt with that and how it has affected us and so on and the blogs about it were so enlightening and so therapeutic for so many of us. Truly great. This week I have this blog topic spinning off of that about being overweight in relationships – like now or like in watching it in our parent’s relationship – and seeing that as a child….and dealing with a significant other who does or does not understand. I think we all have great views on this and I can’t wait to write about it – when Monday is over – cuz today I have nothing of merit in me.

• My brother knows I blog. Yup – it’s official – someone in my real life finally knows. Nearly a year out and the secret is no longer a secret. He wouldn’t stop asking how I met 50 women and went to Chicago with them. He knows that was something I’ve never done. He kept asking and I finally admitted I know you guys from blogging. One day later he asked for my blog name. I said no. I even shocked myself. I said I couldn’t give it to him because I’m anonymous and I want to stay that way and I begged him to tell no one.

Which brings me to the rash of emails I’ve gotten lately from fellow bloggers who are not happy that they are public. I think when we start blogs so many of us literally believe it will only be about weight loss or family updates or whatever topic we think we are starting the blog about. Then…we get blog friends and comments and we see others writing and we want to have input and it becomes a safe place and all of a sudden we want to tell more and want the blog to be more and we want it to be our confessional – but it can’t be…because someone in our life knows about it…and so we filter and the blog isn’t as real as it could be out of fear and judgement. We find that we can’t just write about that one topic we thought the entire blog would only be about – we want and need to write about more. But we can’t. And now the blog is owned by everyone but you.

When I began blogging and still today – I remember being VERY envious of those of you who are public and post progress pics and talk about real people in your lives and such. I felt my blog was completely less personal and just less than in general because no one knew my face and I felt I was holding back from people I loved. But now – well now – I thank God for the anonymity. I never fear what I write here. I never filter – it’s balls to the walls and vagina pimples and all. THIS has become my safe place. MY therapy without the $100 an hour price tag. And it wouldn’t be if a single person in my real life that I didn’t trust read it.

I love those of you like Amy W. who put it all out there for everyone and have family and friends reading your blogs. It is so extremely courageous to me. I want to be clear that the only reason I stay anon is because here for the first time in my life I complain and vent about my childhood or family members and my jobs and inlaws. I stopped shoving it down – and started writing it out. While I complain about this stuff and make jokes – I love them deeply and reading any of that – would break their hearts. But I need to get it out to move past it and process it though I wish them no hurt. Reading it would hurt. And that is not the point of my blog. So I will stay anon…and everybody wins.

Anywhoozle – those of you thinking about going anon to try to take back a blog that is all your own and you want my opinion on it – I say go for it. Writing is a proven therapeutic endeavor and journaling without filtering can change your life. Let the old blog stay open – as a history – and just don’t update it. People who know about it will just assume you stopped writing. Start fresh. A new background. A new title. A new you who now writes about everything including the one topic you initially started the blog for. Because you now realize you are so much more than that one topic. You always have been. It just took blogging to realize it.

That being said – to my followers – if you see me doing shout-outs asking you to follow someone new….keep in mind – they may not be new at all. They may be someone you already know and love publicly. They are just starting over, new and fresh…and they need your love privately now. So thank you for being willing to follow someone new from a shout out.

* Okay – I’m finally done. If any of you really read all that – you deserve a medal or a cookie or something. Sorry. Seriously – it’s Monday’s fault. Not mine. I take no responsibility – until Tuesday.

30 comments:

Dazee Dreamer said...

Amy from Idaho is awesome. I'm going to meet her someday.

I love the blogging world. My family reads my blog, but I'm just old enough and mean enough that if they don't like what I say on my blog, too bad so sad for them. It's My Blog.

I love reading your blog, and everytime you have made a suggestion to follow someone, I usually do. Keep giving the shoutouts.

Carmen said...

love you to pieces

Camille said...

I have a cold too! Total boo. I hope you feel better and have a great birthday week!!!

Jen said...

I get a cookie!!!!

Amanda said...

Yeah, I have to filter somewhat because my mother, god love her, reads my blog and occasionally comments to me about what I'm writing.

Being anonymous would have its perks.

Blossom said...

Even though you don't post pics/information, I think you're more open than some people! I haven't told anyone in my "real" life that I have 3 blogs....and probably won't. My family wouldn't know how to find it, but my friends...I think I need to reserve my oddities for strangers!

tessierose said...

I love your blog, whether you're in or out...you rock!

Xina said...

Yeah I have one "family and friends" blog that I don't share much on. I originally wanted to have an open forum, but then found that once family, particularly my in-laws, began to read it I censored myself way too much. When I decided to start blogging to help me lose weight, I kept it quiet and didn't really advertise it to my family or friends, and as far as I know no one has tried to find it. And the really big ones wouldn't know how to go about it. I'm quietly going to start a third even more private blog I think, no faces, no real names. I need the outlet where no one in real life, not even the husband, knows I'm writing.

MrsFatass said...

I love your advice for how to take back your anonymity. Start something new. Totally.

I think all the time about how much freer I could be on some things if my mom didn't read me every day. There are all kinds of eyes, actually. I know they're there, either overreacting to something outright, or looking for hidden messages and subtext.

But, I write for me. Read at your own risk I suppose.

And Draz? It's okay to not be totally okay. You do know that, right?

Nella said...

Love love love the title!
You are doing so well!
Have a blessed day...

Read said...

First of all, I want my cookie. Second of all - sometimes you just have to wing it and go through the motions until you're really there. I hope you find your happy in the next half hour or so and then you can find the empty clouds that have been waiting for you since it's your birthday week. (BTW - Happy Birthdy, I hope it's a wonderful one).
Third of all - I completely agree about the anonymity of a blog. I have a real life family blog and I imagine I will post some stories on both that blog and this blog. I am less cautious than you in that I will post pictures and use some real names if they are fairly common names - but no one in my real life knows I have this blog except my BFF who I only know online from a whole other sort of secret online society (LOL). She knows all, but I know all of hers too. I couldn't be honest if my mom or sister read this blog. I would try, but would ultimately fail at being as honest if my husband knew about it. So you stay hold on tightly to your anonymity and I am grateful it gives you the things it does!

Amy W. said...

Well, I will say...now that my real life people read it as well...it is tougher. You know me, I am an open book, but like someone else said...you do really put it all out there.

People like honesty and truth. And you give us that even without your "real" name or lots of pitures.

I am sugar detoxing too BTW! And I just finished lunch and now I want a snickers chaser...

Heather said...

I hate furlough days! They suck. My husband has to take 4 right in the holidays. Top that with no raise this year... I do have to say that I will take the furlough days as opposed to our friend who was told they other day that his company is cutting salaries 25% effective immediately. WTF!!!!

I commend your anonymity. I guess that I am too mean and all out there to care. If someone reads something that they don't like, too bad, shouldn't have been snooping. Oh and my mother in law doesn't have internet or know how to use it! LOL

Lucas said...

Where's my cookie, Cookie? ;)

I'm private and I hate it. I'd rather be blogging just the way I like, with photos and stories and ugly and pretty and all of it AND have it all blowing out in the breeze for all to see. Because I'm a filthy whore like that. But I'm private for other people in my family, not for me. Different problem, same frustration.

Now some comment bullets for you:
*Best of luck with the detox. So brave!
*Very cool gift, a glass lizard.
*Ok or not ok, you are still you and still worthwhile.

Tina said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tina said...

I hope you are back to your perky self soon.

I hear you on the anonymity. My aunt reads my blog (and leaves comments). If she knows it is very likely that all of my family (mom, sister etc.) might be stalking me without saying anything. I think about that every time I type.

I like bullets :)

Steph said...

I started out anonymous and decided to go public. In some ways I find it to be really freeing because I feel like the closest people in my life (parents, sister, best friend, husband) are learning more about me since I tend to be able to say things in writing that I can't say out loud, and I honestly feel that some of my relationships are improved because of my blog. BUT, I can see the flip side too, how I might be even more open if no one knew me in real life.

Cukiemunstr said...

I have started over so many times, I don't know how to end anything!

Good luck on the detox, you can do it. :)

Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

I will take one medal please, don't want a cookie. LOL. So proud of you for not telling your brother your blog name. :)

AmeyinIdaho said...

Exactly how do you do that? Read my mind? I have been thinking for a while now that I really wish I was anonymous. I worry that my in-laws will find my blog or co-workers or neighbors. I Google my name at least twice a week to see if anyone can find me. There are blogs I have written that sit in Draft mode because I don't want to hurt anyone or freak them out. I've thought many times that I wish I had done this or that or what I would do if I could do it over, but didn't have a clue how I would go about doing that. And now I can! Because you are totally awesome and you read my heart without even knowing it!

I am SO proud of you for saying no to your brother. You are blossoming in ways you never thought possible! I wish I could give you a hug!

I'm so glad you like the lizard!!

Good luck on your board meeting tonight...it will be done before you know it.

And thank you for always leaving the sweetest comments on my blog. I love you!!

Lisa said...

Ok, I read it all and I want to say give me the cookie, but I guess I will ahve to take the medal... :)

Maria said...

Only my hubby knows about my blog, but I'm always afraid someone will find me through my damn gmail address. Didn't think about that one when I started it! Oh well...

Hey, Happy Birthday Week!

Cindylew said...

Hey buttercup...hope your tomorrow is a bit brighter.

Dizzy Girl said...

OH...my favorite Drazil...YOU are amazing and wonderful- you know that? You know that. :) That's what I love. My own version of bullet points:
A) We can do this (cut sugar). It's bad for our bodies; we think it helps in stressful situations, but it really doesn't. We're paying the price now (by cutting it out and craving now) so we don't have to pay later (arthritis, bad eye sight, aged skin, etc), and that's good. It is SO tough- but I know you can do it. I'm going into day 5 right now and would literally kill someone for a bite of cake. Throw me in jail- that's fine. Instead I'm going to go running and try to push my body so my mind is forced to think about something else. Remember it's not your strength, but the strength given you by others that will help you make the right choices (this is what has helped me the most say no to sugar). We let ourselves down everyday- but others don't let us down. So we can say because of them.
B) Your brother is hot. But you've always known I think that. :) Too bad he's not closer.
C) I LOVE the bullet points post. And I can't wait for the new topic to be discussed.
D)ILYGTD

Ms. Chunky Chick said...

Ah Draz, everyone gotta find what works for them. I am public, but I don't tell people about it. But I love it non the less. Your amazing! And really alot of your posts bring alot of emotions and laughs.

Jen from Oregon said...

you know, I have been thinking a lot about starting over. I can't be open at all on my blog and the things I really really want and need support with I have had to filter out for fear of family, mainly hubby & kids seeing.

Hope you feel better soon.

Nikki said...

Furlough days BLOW! Last year they affected our schools here in Hawaii...my kiddo was out for 23...yes TWENTY-THREE additional days...making the school year the shortest in the country...I think she had a total of like, 140 school days...which is complete crappola I tell you!

Maybe we should lock our governors up together?? Who knows...mine may "lei" yours...make the world a happier place and take away the furloughs?!


My blog is public...well...I have it so you can't google search me...but yeah...ppl know its me...I have like 2 friends in the real world that read it...my family knows about it, but no one has asked to read it...even if they did...I dunno if I would let them...as some of them are still childish and would start crap over what is said...smh.

<3 Hope you feel better...

Loves ya bunches and bunches!

Justawallflower said...

Okay, first question: If you are going off the sugar, should you really be handing out cookies? That just seems like your setting yourself up for failure!

Now on a more serious note:

I also feel a little envious of those posting progress pics. I did post some, and added my own lil art to my face. Not that that would keep anyone that knows me from knowing it is me, but it gives me the satisfaction of posting a pic and feeling like I'm pulling one over? I'm not real sure what that means.....

MizFit said...

when I was a momblogger my own mother read my blog like it was her job.
and I knew that.
SUDDENLY AFTER ALMOST FOUR YEARS shes reading mizfit.

I dont likey :)

Bonnie said...

Mondays do suck. Especially after an awesome weekend.