Monday, October 4, 2010

Cocky – what it is and what it ain’t.

Due to my past perverted history, I know many of you are expecting this to be a whole post about peckers. Not today, folks. Not today. Sorry to disappoint.

Cocky is a nasty word isn’t it? And it ain’t a good thing to be.

But for about a week or two it’s what I was. Sometimes when I live in Care Bear Land and my head fills up with thoughts of my $5000 flat stomach and my new found metabolism, I get cocky – downright arrogant – about diet and exercise and all that. I forget I even started this blog as a means to stay accountable and get to goal. I spend a few days off plan and the scale doesn’t go up and I think the Fat Fairy finally left me alone and moved and gave me permission to eat what I want and NOT gain weight. You know, like a guy…with a cock. Oh God – that was terrible wasn’t it?

I think I’m pissed lately. And while cocky has never looked good on me, pissed sure as hell does. Pissed gets me back on the treadmill. Pissed gets me back to eating less than 1200 calories a day. Pissed gets me chugging water. Pissed makes me pull out 4 years worth of exercise journals and pissed makes me want to add more to them. Pissed is good. Cocky? Not so much.

I’m angry at that stupid cliché….it has to be more than a diet, it has to be a lifestyle change. A way of life. Which by the way, the acronymn for a way of life is AWOL….I’m just pointing that out. I hate that cliché….mostly because people say it 50 effing times a day and totally because it’s true. I’ve known it for a long time….but sometimes I forget. Sometimes I play Russian roulette with my health. Sometimes I eat ice cream or Little Debbies and pretend it’s not the beginning of a downward spiral. For me it’s not about moderation – I can’t have them at all. For those of you that can eat a ½ cup of ice cream and be done and later not go back and eat 16 more ½ cups…I respect that. I respect it but realize I can’t do it. It’s all or none for me. It’s better if I just stay away. And lately I forgot to stay away. It just slipped my mind I guess. Or I got cocky.

Last night I was actually pissed at the longevity of the act of staying healthy. I think so many of us think of only getting to goal – and thinking the day that comes will be like a diet orgasm of sorts and – it’ll be over. Done. Goal met. Time to relax…at least a little right? I mean it can’t be as hard as getting to goal was right?

Wrong – for me anyway. I think in reality as I was losing weight I should have been telling myself that this was how it was going to be every day…this was life now. It shouldn’t have been about getting to a number, it should have been about staying on plan every single day knowing it’d be that way forever. I wasn’t on a journey to a destination….really the destination was the lifelong journey.

My body gains weight seriously by just looking at something I shouldn’t eat. I gain weight fast and the thinner and closer I get to goal – the slower it comes off. I have to literally fight for every pound and let me tell you, it’s exhausting. It takes forever. Gone are the days of a few pounds a week when you are only 5 lbs from goal. And no it’s not vanity…getting to goal is closure to the first part of the journey. It’s saying I did what I set out to do. And when you get thinner, 5 lbs matters. 5 lbs on me makes clothes fit different, makes my face puffier, makes me “feel” worse about my body image. It matters.

Being close to goal is difficult. I think more difficult than coming this far. Because it’s so hard to reach…and I second guess my efforts and I wonder if I really know what I’m doing. I wonder if the sacrifice and time has all been worth it if I’m never going to get there. I am more prone to relapses and self-sabotage. I wonder if I have the energy to fight this hard for the rest of my life – when I fooled myself into thinking at one point it would get easier.

The answer is yes. The journey is worth it and so am I. I guess I’m just trying to warn everyone….please don’t think goal or staying there is the end or even that it’ll get easier. For me, it’s like a meth addict’s or an alcoholic’s daily struggle to stay clean. Some days it’s that hard for me. But I can’t quit. That’d be like negating nearly 5 years of health, diet and exercise and thereby negating the person that journey made me.

While I hate the longevity of this, I need to accept the constancy of it. It is forever. This won’t get easier for me. I will have to think about it every day.

Being any kind of cocky….really just doesn’t help me at all. And it’s a nasty word remember? It just sounds bad. And in Care Bear Land – bad words are not allowed. I might fart gumdrops and take Skittle baths there….but I’m pretty sure at no time in history did any Care Bear use the word cocky.

Nope, not even Grumpy Bear.

So to recap....cocky IS a nasty word.  And it AIN'T a good thing to be.

(and yes, I know ain't ain't a just fits here don't you think?)


LauraLynne said...

The idea that it's LIFELONG hit me about 2 months ago. I mean, I'm not stupid - none of us are. But I still carried this image of an "all you can eat and never get fat again" buffet waiting for me at my goal weight.
That's not happening. There's the same food, the same working out, the same fretting about numbers on the scale - day in and day out for the rest of my life. Period. If I WANT this - and I *DO* - then I keep that in mind.
I'm like you - all or nothing. I tried moderation. And it works for a little while. And if the buffet were waiting for me, I could probably keep it up a little longer.
But the cold hard reality is that I have to eliminate some food groups out of my diet completely. For now - for ever. Candy is out. Chips/salty snacks out. And as of 4 days ago, refined sugar treats. Out out OUT.
Because I don't *need* them. And I know where eating them leads.

Jennifer said...

Great post!
But...shit...does this mean I can't feed you chocolate chip cookies for breakfast anymore?

Justawallflower said...

Believe me, I KNOW what you mean. I am the same way. My goal will not be met until I am on my death bed and have LIVED a healthy life. That is my goal, after all, to live a healthy life. This is also something I have talked to death with my psychologist. How unfair it is that I will FOREVER have to work out and watch what I eat! I am the same as you, merely looking at a piece of cake makes me gain weight! It really is unfair when you see a girl in her size two pants scarfing down what ever she feels like eating, but you can take satisfaction in knowing that, even though I will never be a size two, I am healthier than her because I take care of myself (okay, okay, I know this doesn't really make you feel better, but you can pretend it does!). I am also the same as you in that it is all or nothing for me. One little bite will lead to a downward spiral that can potentially last weeks, til someone or something slaps me back into reality, in which case I have to spend months undoing the damage done!

Miss Vickie "The Queen Bee" said...

Hmmm, I guess I realized this was a life long life style when I had Lap Band surgery. Yes, it does suck, but I hope to live a much longer life and enjoy my husband and family to the fullest extent. I too will have to exercise and watch what I eat forever. But, you know what? It's okay. I was blessed to have the Lap Band and I will continue to work at this everyday. Thankfully, I can stop at 1/2c of ice cream. I have no idea why!

Pamela E. Williams said...

I hate that cliche' as well. For me food represented fun, good times, feeling good after that huge last filling overstuffed, fall out on the floor asleep bite of something creamy or wonderfully tasting. AWOL feels like a life time of boredom, but I'm learning that it doesn't have to be.

You are definitely worth the long journey. So no quiting is not allowed.

Ice Queen said...

Very well said. Sometimes I look at AWOL and think, "Shit, how can I do this for always?" then I remember, I have already lives this way since February and... Time passes, whether you are living healthy or not. Might as well. :D

I prefer the word complacent. So much nicer than "cocky". And it it has more syllables, makes me sound smarter. ;) :P lol

Read said...

Cocky is totally it - It's the thing I become that starts the downward spiral - this is easy - I don't have to worry so much. I'm good....

I too can stop at 1/2 C of ice cream - unless it seeps into my poor pathethic little brain that that's what I'm supposed to do and then I work hard to screw that up and go back for the next 15 1/2 Cups - but I digress..

what I really wanted to say was that a friend of mine passed on something that her weight watchers leader had said that has always really stuck with me.

It's hard to be fat, it's hard to lose weight, and it's hard to maintain your lost weight and healthy lifestyle. You just need to pick your hard.

I think that's so totally true and we're all choosing the third kind of hard.

Liz - Lizzle - Libby Lou said...

I'm so glad you spoke on this today! Very great post! I HAVE imagined it would get "easier" in some sense, but it is a reality I do not know yet. I am 35 lbs from goal and I have sat here for 1-2 mths with minimal improvements (my own fault). And my sister has been 5-7 lbs from goal for months and I have seen her struggle. I do agree with what you said that it's a daily battle. I don't like battles and therefore, I have only given it my best like every other day. Hence, my lack of improvement lately. But sometimes I just feel like I don't have the mental stamina to stay on point with food or even track my food b/c the whole process is so consuming and some days...I'd just rather think about care bears and gum drop farts...not losing weight. :-/

CathyB said...

thanks for bustin' my bubble, drazil. i was SOOO looking forward to that diet orgasm. ....sigh.... seriously, though, great post, and something we all have to realize. sucks, though.

To Miss Vickie Queen Bee... that is the beauty of the lap band! You MUST stop after small amounts of food. Even though my 9-week experience with the band was pretty much a horror story, I held on to that baby as long as I could, because I LOVED not being hungry!!! Now that it has been removed, the hunger monsters are screaming at me constantly. :-(

I often liken this experience to that of an addict. Sucky thing is, they don't HAVE to have meth or alcohol, so it's an all or nothing thing for them. We HAVE to have food, therefore our addictions are fed every day. It's just a matter of feeding them with healthy choices.

Makes me seriously hate skinny people. ha. j/k. maybe?

Ginger aka Gidget said...

What I hate is the notion that there are people out there that can eat whatever they want and yet still maintain this thin body. I don't know where I was when that metabolism was being handed out but I sure do wish I could have got in on that action. But, like you - I have to accept it's AWOL. Sucks. :(

DiZneDiVa said...

Depressing... but it shouldn't be, by now I should see how much better I feel when I am able to move around more and struggle with less pain. I feel like crap when I eat a bunch of junk food and am inactive but I still find myself eating sugary snacks and the rest of the carb coma creators. I want to cut out the sugar eventually because I know I won't be able to maintain this amount of weight loss if I don't cut back or out completely. I struggle with moderation as well. *Maria*-blogger from "This one time at BAND Camp..."

amandakiska said...

The reality is that NOBODY can eat whatever they want in whatever quantity they want, except maybe 15 year old boys. We all have to watch what we eat and exercise. Is it fun? Not usually, but it is worth it to feel better and have more energy and better health.

But I can't imagine living without sweets! I don't have an issue stopping with a serving because I've come to recognize that I am very sensitive to changes in my blood sugar. When I've had something sweet I will start having cravings about 20 minutes after I'm done. When I have them now, I just remind myself it is a drop in my blood sugar and a totally natural physiological reaction.

Bonnie said...

Geez - couldn't you wait until we were all close to goal to drop this bomb? Just kidding. I totally get it, but since I'm so far from goal it's hard to imagine what being close will feel like.

Angela Pea said...

*sigh* So true, so true...but despite all the angst, the battle is so WORTH it! Worth being able to keep diabetes under control. Worth wearing size 10 jeans. Worth the lower blood pressure, worth the normal cholesterol levels, worth the absence of aches and pains and joint damage caused by carrying around so much weight.

Ice Cream is overrated.

Jenny said...

No matter what the road, its a hard one. I love that you own it good or bad. Just don't forget how far you've come!

Nikki said...

I could think of something brilliant and witty to put here...but lately I have had a total one track mind...and well...

Ain't IS in fact a's in the dictionary is bling and other such words...

Yeaaaah...this comment was semi-pointless

Cindylew said...

I agree with everything you're saying but I also feel this is where we bandsters have a major advantage. This tool (once green zone restriction is achieved, mind you) is what makes the journey not nearly as difficult or uncomfortable as it is for those without the band...I'm not guessing at that...I lived 47 years without it and I know what the struggle feels like in both scenarios. What I needed to do (exercise-wise) and how little I allowed myself to eat in order to stay a size 6 was criminal. But with the band I know it's more of a waiting game of simply doing what I'm doing for another 6 months and I should be to goal. But here's the thing...what I'm doing now is moderate exercising (walking only) and eating reasonably but allowing treats every week and where the weight loss is slow, it also seems effortless most of the time. So once I get to goal, unless I have the band ripped out of me (which I would never do), I don't see myself having to change anything and since my routine at least feels so non-restrictive, I don't get stressed about having to endure a diet lifestyle for the rest of my life.

Just Me said...

LOL....AWOL - never thought of that. You are worth it, Draz...just to keep us entertained. But seriously, you are worth it - every hour, every minute, every second...hey, want to meet and find that Fat Fairy and F her (no, it must be a him) up.

Liz said...

Its good to hear from someone whos so close to goal, that has a relaistic point of view. You have such a hard ass attitude about yourself - you take such accountability for everything and you take such a good hard look at yourself. It sort of inspires me to maybe do the same and think....that stupid cliche may just be right. This is supposed to be AWOL....Once I'm at goal it won't just stop, it will be a constant struggle to stay there. Those 5 pounds will matter.
Thanks for the honesty.

Daniella said...

Thank you for this post- I'm on the verge of tears.


5 pounds? I can't even THINK 5 pounds. For me it's 3. 3 pounds on...and suddenly I'm obese. 3 pounds off- and suddenly I'm the hottest chick in the room and EVERYONE is asking what i did to lose weight. I HATE IT.

And yet- like you said, we can't stop. Even if I wanted to (and I've tried), I let myself go for 3 measely pounds and all hell breaks loose. Once you've been there- you can never go back. Or at least you can never go back and be happy with it. You'll always be unsatisfied...even if it's a 10 pound gain- and you originally lost 40. It's just the truth.

ILYGTD (I love your guts to death!)


Daniella said...

It pisses me off too- btw. AND- this is Diz- I just realized I'm logged into the wrong account. OOPS.

Miss S. said...

Uh-oh. I was just cocky a minute ago.

Rachel said...

You put that into words so well. I am a recovering foodaholioc and really thought I had it together but then the self sabotage begins. It's almost like when the "have you lost weight" comments stop coming I relax too much and 'treat' myself too much. I am a fitness trainer for crying out loud! What, I can't take my own advice?? I know not many people may notice when I gain 3-5 lbs but we all know what we feel like when it happens.