Thursday, October 14, 2010

Getting naked for someone other than Rambo.

For those of you who thought I meant I was taking a break - meaning like longer than 24 hours - um, not so much.  Even when I was taking a break I blogged.  I just meant a break from the heavy stuff - the writing that takes all my energy and depletes me for a few days.  But I'm not leaving leaving - I'm addicted.  I love blogging like squirrels love nuts. 

I want to tell you all about my day yesterday.  It was fun.  (totally lying)

What did I do you ask?  Oh let me tell you in disgusting graphic details so that you don't want to eat for about 6 days.  Cuz that's how I feel.  And I want to share my pain.  It's just the kind of girl I am...always sharing.

Let's just get to it.  I had the gyno appointment yesterday.  Oh f*cking joy. 

I swear to God I was a mess all day thinking about it and counting the minutes until 3pm.  Now - I know no woman likes these things unless you have a massive crush on your doctor - and well then - have at it.  Crush away.

Imagine how one with social anxiety deals with going to the gyno.  It is your normal person's angst x 100 million - complete with ass hives, dry heaves, and sweaty nether regions.  It is terrible.

But I go - I put on my big girl panties and I go...err... I went.  This is how it all went down.

First - the universe states when you go for your annual you must wait at least one half an hour in your panicked state. The appointment simply cannot be on time.  It's just the way the world works.  Prolonging of the pooty process.  Done and done.  I waited 1/2 hour. 

During which time I promptly texted Jenny and told her I was about to get naked.  Her so very concerned reply was, "Do you feel a draft?"  Wow - she loves me so much huh?

Then I texted two of my other favorite bloggers so they would also know I was about to undergo the gyno experience.  This texting thing is da bomb...though I'm not sure any of those three women think so after I texted them about my vagina.  Blogging is teaching me to put it all out there - they should be proud - not vomiting right?

I am weighed.  I most politely tell the nurse she should subtract at least 5 pounds from the number due to my ridiculously heavy stiletto heels and clothing.  The witch had the nerve to roll her eyes.  Whatever.

I am put in a room.  She asks, "Did you have a pap last year cuz we can't find it?"  GREAT - you mean someone was all up in my junk with plastic tools and you have no recollection of it!?  Can we do it twice this time just to be sure because it's so much fun for us all?  JESUS.

Good thing I didn't strip naked when I got in there finaly - silly me - this isn't my room.  She tells me to wait - that she'll be putting me in another room - soon.  For those of you who don't know - soon - in doctor world means the closest thing to never.  I wait some more.  Shitballs - I've already texted everyone I know about my vagina.  Now what am I gonna do?

So the doctor comes in - with get this - I shit you not - an entire poster filled with pictures of her son.  AWKWARD.  I mean in a few minutes you're gonna know what my internal organs feel like via my vaginal opening.  Do we really have to do this?  She says, "I thought you'd like to see these while you were waiting." 

I wanted to say, "How about we stop waiting and get on with this feel-fest?"...but I looked and oohed and aahed and pretended to freaking care....

She leaves.  That was fun.  I wait more. 

I finally get to my room.  I promptly strip naked which is when I realize - because of the GIANT mirror in the room - (what the hell are the mirrors for in those rooms anyway??) that I have on my pearls.  Well how pretty am I?  Naked with pearls.  I might as well put my stilettos back on and I could be a full blown porn star.  All dressed up - minus the clothes.  Seriously - I look like an I planned it.  Ugh.

She comes in - and of course - she's not alone.  She has Mrs. 20 year still perky boobs with blonde hair size 1 student with her.  And would I mind if she watched?????

Listen - I get learning and all that bullshit but why now?  Why for this appointment?  I mean it's bad enough two of us in the room have to center an entire conversation around my vagina - but now it's a threesome.  Jesus Mary and just keeps getting better doesn't it?

And what am I supposed to say - NO WAY - get the hell out?  My vagina doesn't want an audience! 

I smile and say, "No, I'd love for her to learn about vaginas using mine.  It's a great example - what with it's zits that kids can ride dirt bikes over and it's smooth as a baby's butt sides.  Oh oh and get this?  Once you get in there you can show her what one looks like AFTER IT'S JUST HAD SEX."

Yes, that's right kids.  I had dessert last night.  And before Rambo even had clothes back on I very not so subtle-y said - "SHIT - now the doctor is going to know I had sex."  Now why that matters because I'm sure my doctor indeed also has her own sex with her own husband....I have no idea - but it does.  It's just another bump in the road on this gyno appointment no one wants to deal with. 

So Doctor and Student then promptly take turns admiring my tummy tuck scar.  At one point I was sure the Doc was going to tell the Student  "Now this is what happens when you are bigger than a truck and pregnant - these are called stretch marks."  *sigh*

Then she sees my belly button ring after she'd seen my new half-back tattoo...and she says, "What's going on - you having a mid-life crisis?  New tattoo and belly button ring since I last saw you."

Damn.  Busted.  Shitballs.  Was it that obvious with the body mutilation overload?

Oh and then she asked, "Any changes in breast tissue?"  Shit - um no - can we call Rambo and ask.  I have no idea.  (PSA - do breast exams so you don't have to lie to your Doctor or call your husband)

And here folks - is where it finally gets good.  Turns out with my history I don't even have to have a freaking pap! 

Did you hear what I said!?  That gel shit over there on that counter can stay on the counter!  Little student girl is not going to see what a "I recently had sex" coochie look like. 

Today is my lucky day.

I ran out of the clinic before they could change their mind....and then I immediately texted Jenny and told her the good news. 

And then I bought a lottery ticket.  Only 365 days until I have to endure this again. 

There you go - just try and eat supper now.  I dare you.

Oh by the way - I went home and told Rambo the good news.  I told him the Dr. still checked my ovaries so I was still violated and felt up in a minor way.  His response?

"Did you like it?  And how come you have threesomes without me?"

I nearly ripped his pecker off.


Dazee Dreamer said...

good god. hilarious. I was kind of wishing you were texting me during the hilarity.

Amy W. said...

Oh now see, I thought I was special but it turns out NO? you were texting others about your woo woo as well? CHEATER! you poodles.

Xina said...

I am so proud of you for going! Good for you!

You reminded me that I haven't seen my doctor since my post-partum visit over 2 years ago.......
oh crap....Looks like I'm going to have to get felt up now. Fanfrickentastic.

Blossom said...

I hear ya, I have THAT appointment on Tuesday. After these yearly things, I'm not so nervous about it anymore, and I've been seeing my doctor forever. I AM more nervous about telling her about my surgery, because I just decided to do it on my own. I was tired of her not taking my weight seriously.

Lisa said...

LOL - sounds eventful. :)

MandaPanda said...

LOL! I never knew going to the gyno could be so entertaining. You crack me up!

Read said...

Soooo funny!!! This totally brought up all the "fun" memories from my last horror show, I mean appointment.. OMG and I have to have another one in December.

Scuttleboose said...

I was trying to think of one thing in my life that I could possibly tell and it would be *this* funny... hmm... embarrassing stories of teaching college-level Spanish? Not so much.

Gules said...

HAHAHA! I just had my physical and I had a my male doctor checking my nether regions, first time...that was fun. Aside from all the devices used to crank it open,poke here and there and of course the punching of the ovaries...all was good.

Mary H. said...

I hate going. I hate it mostly because my dr.'s office only has the tiniest little gowns and I have to sit there with my backside hanging out for 30+ minutes in a cold room until they finally get the show on the road! Hopefully by next March when I have to go again, I will fit into the gowns better...

Jess said...

OH MY FREAKING GAH! I AM LITERALLY ROLLING! I just went through this very thing like 2 weeks ago and I laughed my ass off when I read this cuz it's about deja vu of my experiences! hahahahahahaahaha

Ice Queen said...

I love Gyno stories. Especially now that I no longer have to go to one. (neener-neener!)

Oh, FYI, doctors really can't tell that you recently had sex. Unless it was so recent that you are sporting a creampie. (ew!) So, you needn't have worried. :D

I hate it when docs drag students in the exam room with them. I know that the student needs to learn but, shit! Do I have to be the frakking lesson? Blech!

Miss Vickie "The Queen Bee" said...

Too funny! My check up is next month. Not always pleasant, but necessary. Gee, do I sound like a mother now?