Wednesday, October 6, 2010

I can't be a tiger....not today anyway....

Man, life is funny isn’t it?

Let me explain.

I’m an every day blogger (minus weekends) because my soul craves writing. On the days when inspiration doesn’t come and words seem hard to come by – I get frustrated….because the truth is my heart doesn’t feel whole without having written down something that day. I have been a daily journal-er since I was little. I have diaries from way, way back…it’s something I’ve always done…and now I do it publicly (sort of) and the need to do it has never changed.

Most days words come easy – sometimes too easy – and I never shut up. Other days – it’s hard. I get writer’s block though I’m not technically a writer. I can dub myself that if I want to right? LOL

Anywhoozle…lately it’s been a bit of a struggle. The words won’t come – probably because I’m in denial. And then I see Mrs. Fatass’s blog and she credits me with giving her writing material today….when really? She gave me mine today. See how that karma thing works folks? One more reason I don’t believe in coincidences.

So I guess since MF was fessing up…it feels like I can too. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say “fessing up” is just as hard for MF as it is for me. We don’t admit often that we are human. Oh yah, we know we are but admitting it is a whole different story. We carry our Superwomen titles with pride. We swear we can do it all – and never falter….and we usually don’t.

Until the bottom drops out and we’re sitting at the kitchen table covered in hives after not sleeping all night with tears rolling down our cheeks with a panic attack right around the corner and the only words that will out of our mouths are “Oh shit”. It’s not a pretty sight. There ain’t enough makeup in this world to cover up the puffy eyes that ensue after our Come to Jesus moment of realization.

I knew my moment was coming. Last night I got a migraine for no reason. None. When I got home from work – even pre-migraine – I got out of my high heels and work clothes and climbed in bed. When I didn’t come out of the bedroom like a normal person does after changing clothes – Rambo came in and found me. I heard him take his glasses off and felt him crawl in beside me and wrap his arms around me. For a while, he never said a word. He seems to just know when the world is too much for me. When I’ve hit a breaking point. He finally said, “What’s the matter baby?”

My response. “F*ck a duck.”

Nope – not kidding – that’s how I answered his question. No more words for minutes. He knows I can’t explain. He knows how hard it is for me to admit defeat. I knew in a couple minutes the girls would be coming in because I could hear them screaming “MOM” at a fever pitch because they couldn’t find me. For a moment I contemplated hiding “under” the bed….

Rambo asked, “What are we going to feed the girls for supper?” I said, “Popcorn and candy for all I care.” He said, “Okay.”

Again, not kidding. We ate popcorn and I managed to cut up some salami and crackers. They were in heaven.

I left the bedroom and moved to the couch. I never moved from there all night. And the migraine came. The bottom dropped out. I fell down.

It’s almost like God reaches down and slaps me across the face and says, “Who the hell do you think you are? Check your ego at the door and realize I made you human. Stop acting like you have to do it all. Stop thinking if you aren’t Superwoman that no one will love you. Get over yourself and get back to basics.”

He’s right. (Well He should be right? He IS God after all.)

Between groups I’ve recently joined, 3 jobs, recommitting to weight loss/exercise, blogging, emails i'm behind on and being a mom and a wife and a constant worrier…I’ve left no time for basics. I practically invited the bottom to drop out. Yesterday my body physically gave out on me and the fatigue is extraordinary lately. Mentally – well – my brain left me a long time ago but today there aren’t even traces of it ever being there.

I want to stay in bed all day with Rambo wrapped around me and pretend the world doesn’t exist. The funny thing is that while I’m doing that, I’d like the world to stop turning and pause so I don’t miss anything. And hell….that just ain’t going to happen.

So there you go, I admit defeat. There – I said it. Though you all are well aware I’m not perfect and can’t do it all – I wasn’t aware of that fact. It’s an internal flaw…I think it’s a requirement for myself and not a choice. But by choosing said perfectionism, I choose impossible standards, and I choose getting bitch-slapped by God every once in a while. Don’t be mad at Him…it was well-deserved…and needed.

So let me just say…I am woman and I still roar. Today, I just roar a little softer. I don’t have the energy to be the biggest, loudest, bestest, greatest tiger in the bunch today. Some days I just want to be the kitten.

Today I just want to remember that pretending I can do it all is just that – a pretense. It’s a load of bullshit. And in case you weren’t aware, little kittens tend to drown in a tub of bullshit. They just can’t swim like the tigers can.

Some day soon I plan to reclaim my self-proclaimed tiger status.  Just not today.  In the meantime, I hope you can hang around during this kitten stage...cuz I need you now more than ever. 

I need someone to lick my fur.  And I'm not too proud to admit that.


Read said...

Oh Sweetie (I hope that's not too familiar), I can feel every word of that. Life can be just too much sometimes. Too much drama, too many responsibilities, too many people, too many places, too many needs.

My wish for you is to take it all down as many notches as you can. Lay wrapped up with Rambo as often as possible. Do the small things - the very small things - take a walk, exercise more (that always helps), take time for you, lay on the couch and watch a movie with the girls. Say no to people... "Oh man Susie, I'm sorry but Rambo or Watermellon or Banana has a cold and I need to stay close to home tonight" I don't know about you, but sometimes the well placed little white lie is a beautiful thing. You get the space you need and no one's feelings are hurt and no one knows your business. A few energy zapping conversations later and hopefully you can have a little more down time where you can focus on recharging your batteries.

I'm sending any extra - oomph I have your way!

MrsFatass said...

Slurp . . . slurp. . .

Yes. That's me licking your fur.

And the thing is? That's not even going to be the strangest thing we say to each other, is it?

Lynda with a Y said...

Good for you! That's all I will say. Good for you. It's OK to lay low for a while.

Justawallflower said...

I'm here....for you....

tessierose said...

Girl, being a super hero isn't all it's cracked up to be, I mean seriously they all have some serious realtionship issues, it's okay to take off the cape! Big hug, feel better soon!

Pamela E. Williams said...

It is most certainly ok to be a kitten today and any day you want love. I don't think there is a woman or mother for that fact that doesn't want the things you want (being Superwoman and then realizing that today you just want to be Supergirl and let the others handle things, but you want to be in on all the calls). It happens to the best of us. We do a great job taking it all on but when do we realize that our knees are buckling and we can no longer hold up all that weight. It's okay Draz to set some of that down. And while you do Rambo, Watermelon, Banana and all your BIG supporters in blog land will happily eat popcorn and candy for breakfast, lunch and dinner if you want.

Angela said...

I admire you in so many ways. I admire the fact that you can be so honest and it inspires me to attempt to be honest with myself.

Thank you for being you. Thank you for being there for me too.

I am here for you and wish I could hold you in my arms while rocking and humming to you so that you would know that at least for one second, you are not alone.

The Ninja said...

Every super woman gets tangled in her cape sometimes. Being down and needing some time to just let everything fall apart doen't make you less of a superwoman, it makes all admire you more, because you are like us after all, human. Everyone in my house is sick this week so last night we ate cheese sticks and veggies chips for dinner, no lie.

Liz - Lizzle - Libby Lou said...

Wow! Wow! YOu have me goosebumps! This was my fav "It’s almost like God reaches down and slaps me across the face and says, “Who the hell do you think you are? Check your ego at the door and realize I made you human. Stop acting like you have to do it all. Stop thinking if you aren’t Superwoman that no one will love you. Get over yourself and get back to basics.”

Such a reality and I am the same way! Why not work full time, write part time, go to school part time, and be a single mom to 2 kids? Oh and time for dating! Oh and time for hiking! Oh and squeezing in thinking about diet and exercise, art, creative expression. I do the same thing, the bottom must fall out at some time. But I personally believe our approach "doing it all" is much better than Lazy Women...but in order to be ok with our ridiculous, perfectionist methods, we must accept that we do fall from time to time. And I reckon Rambo snoozling you in bed, is always pleasant as well! *Love*

Liz - Lizzle - Libby Lou said...

Can I get your permission to quote you on my blog?? I want to put this on my blog...

"It’s almost like God reaches down and slaps me across the face and says, “Who the hell do you think you are? Check your ego at the door and realize I made you human. Stop acting like you have to do it all. Stop thinking if you aren’t Superwoman that no one will love you. Get over yourself and get back to basics.”"

on my sidebar as a quote from you! It really hit me very hard and I'd like to easily see it frequently. Cool? Email me :D

Lucas said...

Brave, brave girl. Lioness, kitten or otherwise, I'm here for all the stages.

Jess said...

Every post you write is like a reading a page from a self-awareness book.

I will pet you lil kitty! Yes I will.
Back to the basics!

Bonnie said...

:( Sometimes it's just admitting you can't do it all that can relieve some of the pressure. Hope you are back to your fierce self tomorrow.

Cindylew said...

Meow...for you I'd risk getting a hair ball.
Hope tomorrow is way better my little furry cupcake.